If you suspect that your spouse is on the cusp

[Anonymous]

Yes, in my experience, you can do everything possible to try to win them back while they're in an EA, and it won't stop it. Only removing them from the situation (which isn't necessarily doable if they work together) and totally breaking off contact will let it die out. It's like an intoxicating drug.

[Anonymous]

How do you break up an EA with a coworker short of making her quit her job? Which is probably a tough sell.

[Anonymous]

You change jobs and move to another city that's very far away, maybe in a different country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she has lunch with this guy alone (not with a group of coworkers) that is a bad sign and inappropriate.

This.

[Anonymous]

I've been in this situation. The best you can do is confront it, then prepared to be lied to and gaslighted "you're crazy". Then wait for the roller coaster ride. If you stick it out you may succeed but will be battle scarred.

[Anonymous]

Op. any update?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW here. I also talk about a married co-worker at times with DH. And we text after work-hours. DH knows we went to lunch. DH sees maybe 1 text a week, but really it's daily. DH jokes about my co-worker. Sex with DH is 2-3 times a week and is great in terms of physical sensations but not emotional.

My co-worker has been my AP for months. DH is clueless.

Why do I need an AP? Because he makes me feel like a woman again. He gives me an ego boost. He notices little details about me that DH never noticed. I will never leave DH.

This scares the shit out of me. It is exactly how I lost DW #1. The cheater holds all the cards in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she has lunch with this guy alone (not with a group of coworkers) that is a bad sign and inappropriate.

This.

I'm not sure about this one. I have a male coworker who I go out to lunch with alone now and then. We also have had drinks solo. But there is absolutely nothing going on between us. We are both married with kids, and I adore his wife. We just happen to work on the same things and get together to strategize and vent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, in my experience, you can do everything possible to try to win them back while they're in an EA, and it won't stop it. Only removing them from the situation (which isn't necessarily doable if they work together) and totally breaking off contact will let it die out. It's like an intoxicating drug.

This is true. If they don't see each other, the EA tends to fade. It's the contact that keeps these relationships going.

Plus these are unconsummated. The itch stays unscratched.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is why you don't get married boys. She is completely scamming her DH and might some day bring home a disease. Totally self centered.

You sound like an MRA douchebag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, in my experience, you can do everything possible to try to win them back while they're in an EA, and it won't stop it. Only removing them from the situation (which isn't necessarily doable if they work together) and totally breaking off contact will let it die out. It's like an intoxicating drug.

This is true. If they don't see each other, the EA tends to fade. It's the contact that keeps these relationships going.

Plus these are unconsummated. The itch stays unscratched.

DH here...I agree with both comments above. I am in love with a coworker who is hotter than DW (looks like a fitter, nympho version of Jennifer Love Hewitt). We've acknowledged the mutual attraction and that we'd love to sleep with each other, but it ain't happening because of our marriages. So the EA continues at the flirty, smolder level that exists exclusively within work hours. I try to minimize any mention of EAP's name at home, even though she's often on my mind. We never do lunch, and don't even have each other's cell numbers because we know that takes us down a path we've decided to avoid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, in my experience, you can do everything possible to try to win them back while they're in an EA, and it won't stop it. Only removing them from the situation (which isn't necessarily doable if they work together) and totally breaking off contact will let it die out. It's like an intoxicating drug.

This is true. If they don't see each other, the EA tends to fade. It's the contact that keeps these relationships going.

Plus these are unconsummated. The itch stays unscratched.

DH here...I agree with both comments above. I am in love with a coworker who is hotter than DW (looks like a fitter, nympho version of Jennifer Love Hewitt). We've acknowledged the mutual attraction and that we'd love to sleep with each other, but it ain't happening because of our marriages. So the EA continues at the flirty, smolder level that exists exclusively within work hours. I try to minimize any mention of EAP's name at home, even though she's often on my mind. We never do lunch, and don't even have each other's cell numbers because we know that takes us down a path we've decided to avoid.

+1 from a DW. I have a massive crush on a coworker that may be reciprocated (we haven't discussed) and just when I think it's over some more contact revives it. The contact is all work-related and proper and initiated by him, but not strictly necessary, some inside jokes. My marriage is in a really good place right now and that helps. It may sound shallow but DH and I both worked on our appearance and it has done wonders. I still think about the coworker all the time but never reach out to him or cross the line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, in my experience, you can do everything possible to try to win them back while they're in an EA, and it won't stop it. Only removing them from the situation (which isn't necessarily doable if they work together) and totally breaking off contact will let it die out. It's like an intoxicating drug.

This is true. If they don't see each other, the EA tends to fade. It's the contact that keeps these relationships going.

Plus these are unconsummated. The itch stays unscratched.

DH here...I agree with both comments above. I am in love with a coworker who is hotter than DW (looks like a fitter, nympho version of Jennifer Love Hewitt). We've acknowledged the mutual attraction and that we'd love to sleep with each other, but it ain't happening because of our marriages. So the EA continues at the flirty, smolder level that exists exclusively within work hours. I try to minimize any mention of EAP's name at home, even though she's often on my mind. We never do lunch, and don't even have each other's cell numbers because we know that takes us down a path we've decided to avoid.

In " love" with this nympho Love Hewitt?

Really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, in my experience, you can do everything possible to try to win them back while they're in an EA, and it won't stop it. Only removing them from the situation (which isn't necessarily doable if they work together) and totally breaking off contact will let it die out. It's like an intoxicating drug.

This is true. If they don't see each other, the EA tends to fade. It's the contact that keeps these relationships going.

Plus these are unconsummated. The itch stays unscratched.

DH here...I agree with both comments above. I am in love with a coworker who is hotter than DW (looks like a fitter, nympho version of Jennifer Love Hewitt). We've acknowledged the mutual attraction and that we'd love to sleep with each other, but it ain't happening because of our marriages. So the EA continues at the flirty, smolder level that exists exclusively within work hours. I try to minimize any mention of EAP's name at home, even though she's often on my mind. We never do lunch, and don't even have each other's cell numbers because we know that takes us down a path we've decided to avoid.

In " love" with this nympho Love Hewitt?

Really?

+1. Wonder if that love would stick around if that fitness and nymphomania went away after marriage and a couple kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, in my experience, you can do everything possible to try to win them back while they're in an EA, and it won't stop it. Only removing them from the situation (which isn't necessarily doable if they work together) and totally breaking off contact will let it die out. It's like an intoxicating drug.

This is true. If they don't see each other, the EA tends to fade. It's the contact that keeps these relationships going.

Plus these are unconsummated. The itch stays unscratched.

DH here...I agree with both comments above. I am in love with a coworker who is hotter than DW (looks like a fitter, nympho version of Jennifer Love Hewitt). We've acknowledged the mutual attraction and that we'd love to sleep with each other, but it ain't happening because of our marriages. So the EA continues at the flirty, smolder level that exists exclusively within work hours. I try to minimize any mention of EAP's name at home, even though she's often on my mind. We never do lunch, and don't even have each other's cell numbers because we know that takes us down a path we've decided to avoid.

Yeah, the thing is that you have decided NOW that you're not going to go down that path. You have already justified the flirting and smoldering to yourselves. You have already discussed having sex and acknowledged your attraction. The way this works is that you'll continue as you are until something happens with your wife that justifies, in your mind, an escalation. It might be a real thing, it might be something you've amped up in your head, but you'll tell yourself that whatever the thing is, it's a good enough reason to scale back your boundaries. Go to lunch with your "friend" or exchange cell numbers just in case.

I had an affair that started like this. I ended my marriage when I realized we were crossing lines. I don't feel great about what I did, but I will say that I was living under the same delusion you're living under right now. You think that you can keep it in a box, but you can't.