If you suspect that your spouse is on the cusp

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would dump her.

I have never ever heard of a relationship being fixed. All that gets fixed are appearances for family and maybe friends. Your spouse has a fundamental misconception of the nature and role of loyalty. As you are not children, there is no possibility to have any emotional learning, your brains are past that point, you are both way too old. Your spouse does not "get" loyalty and while she may overcome this temptation now, she won't overcome the next one or the one after. It's just a matter of time. Your spouse is keeping it out in the open because this is the best way to manipulate you so she can have her cake and eat it too.

You would be much better of if she had one off sex with a stranger while remaining loyal to you. Sex is trivial. Emotions are heavy stuff. They obviously like each other.

Also, don't get manipulated into seeing marriage counselors: they are a greedy bunch who know from their own experiences that the only fix is when one person swallows their pride and lives on in inner misery provided the other one accepts to put up with the ugliness. But they take your money and tell you BS. What they don't tell you is their success rate (practically zero, i.e worse than random).

You got one life, there will be no reruns showing. Be smart.

THIS insane advice. NOTHING has happened yet.

+1
It sounds like it was written by a batshit crazy person, but OP sounds smart and reasonable enough not to buy into it, hopefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean? An attraction? Flirty friendship? Texts and emails exchanged?

OP here: She's starting to talk about a coworker every day. I know him - he's a tall, built, good looking guy. I noticed that they have quite a few texts going back and forth with lots of jokes about work and have lunch together multiple times a week. We have lunch together about once every two weeks. The texts haven't crossed the line but lots of jokes and rainbows, unicorns, funny memes that I sent her, etc.

We have a good marriage if not always exciting.

Tell her you are uncomfortable now before you hold it all in and build a wall of tension.

This...and if she calls you out on jealousy...then she's hiding something. She should respect your decision.

Beyond that, not much you can do, she's going to do what she does. She has to make a decision what is more important, your marriage or her tingles.

If you communicate up front you don't like the tone of the conversations and you're firm and honest, she should respect that. If not - hit the gym and work on your game...

I would actually be really mad if my husband was upset with me having a male friend and accused me of being inappropriate. I would be careful on how to talk to her about it.

It would be best to use "I" statements instead of telling her how she's wrong. Say "I am feeling jealous/worried when you text and hang out with Bob all the time." This allows her the opportunity to apologize and try to make things right. Do Not say "You are flirting with Bob and it is wrong and you will ruin our marriage." This would immediately put her on the defensive ("It is not wrong to text my friends!") and make her less likely to address the problem.

You obviously didn't read what OP said or you have reading comprehension problems. He doesn't have an issue with his wife having a male friend and I think you meant emails for that matter but the issue is that she's constantly talking about him. If she's always bringing him up he's on her mind and that is bad. He is t stupid no the waters, to take a move I've pulled when I was single and didn't know her husband. It starts with the inside jokes, little flirting, always making an effort to see her and spend time with her. You take the husband out of the picture and as soon as she's thinking about you all the time, you move in and that's how it happens. I've done it, I've seen it done. It's a cold and calculating move but people are assholes generally. OP is right to be concerned when she's constantly talking about him and sees they text constantly. She should be spending that time away from work with her family and husband. He should say something the second he's concerned, and don't use "I" statements or try beat around the bush. Be direct, open and tell he frankly..look, you're talking about "Frank/Joe/Mike" all the time and you're constantly on the phone texting and talking to him even when we should be spending time together and I don't like it. I want you to stop, and if you value me and my opinion you'll take my request into consideration.

Having and affair or being the person who initiates the affair isn't a "mistake" or a weak moment, it's a series of very conscious and calculated decisions made by both parties to betray their partners..those are the facts.

[Anonymous]

I meant he's. It being stupid and he's making a calculated move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would dump her.

I have never ever heard of a relationship being fixed. All that gets fixed are appearances for family and maybe friends. Your spouse has a fundamental misconception of the nature and role of loyalty. As you are not children, there is no possibility to have any emotional learning, your brains are past that point, you are both way too old. Your spouse does not "get" loyalty and while she may overcome this temptation now, she won't overcome the next one or the one after. It's just a matter of time. Your spouse is keeping it out in the open because this is the best way to manipulate you so she can have her cake and eat it too.

You would be much better of if she had one off sex with a stranger while remaining loyal to you. Sex is trivial. Emotions are heavy stuff. They obviously like each other.

Also, don't get manipulated into seeing marriage counselors: they are a greedy bunch who know from their own experiences that the only fix is when one person swallows their pride and lives on in inner misery provided the other one accepts to put up with the ugliness. But they take your money and tell you BS. What they don't tell you is their success rate (practically zero, i.e worse than random).

You got one life, there will be no reruns showing. Be smart.

+1 I have to agree with this. If a person doesn't know loyalty, no amount of roses, gifts and sex can fix that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ramp it up in the bedroom.

I tried this along with: always cooking his favorite foods, paying all the bills, as well as being a friend and wife- takers are going to take. Nothing made a difference. I told him I knew. He wanted us both...taker.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to say it, but all that shit about ramping up your game is crap. The poster who wrote about loyalty is close. There's virtually nothing you can do but work on yourself. Try to get her to snap out of it. If she starts criticizing you like how you were or are a bad husband that's projection. You're toast at that point.

[Anonymous]

At this point they may already have been sexual. Been there. Cheaters are a rough bunch.

[Anonymous]

If some dude is willing to help absorb my maintenance contract, so much the better.

[Anonymous]

If she has lunch with this guy alone (not with a group of coworkers) that is a bad sign and inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

I would tease her about it. There was a cute guy at work who liked the same tv shows I did. I told DH about him. He knew I had a little crush on him. So he would tease me "So what did *crush* think about (tv episode)?" "Did you talk to *crush* today?"

Crush and I never texted so we never crossed any lines. But I liked that DH was cool with me having a harmless crush and that we could talk about it.

Ps-DH was never jealous because he knows and feels that I adore and love him.

[Anonymous]

OP - if your wife and this co-worker are texting and spending so much time together, don't you think that this guy's wife also wonders what's going on?

Why don't you suggest that the four of you get together, casual drinks or something. If all are just truly friends, then no big deal.

Your wife's reaction may be telling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - if your wife and this co-worker are texting and spending so much time together, don't you think that this guy's wife also wonders what's going on?

Why don't you suggest that the four of you get together, casual drinks or something. If all are just truly friends, then no big deal.

Your wife's reaction may be telling.

My first reaction was, OOOH, good one. But the second second was me thinking that I might try to get to know spouse of AP, just to get the inside track on things, were I to have an affair. And if she is just on the cusp, she might think she like's her friend's wife. Y'know?

[Anonymous]

I would tease her about it. There was a cute guy at work who liked the same tv shows I did. I told DH about him. He knew I had a little crush on him. So he would tease me "So what did *crush* think about (tv episode)?" "Did you talk to *crush* today?"

Crush and I never texted so we never crossed any lines. But I liked that DH was cool with me having a harmless crush and that we could talk about it.

Ps-DH was never jealous because he knows and feels that I adore and love him.

You really think the OP is an idiot? I'm sure his DW thinks the same. BTW there are a lot of reasons why your DH may not be jealous and which may have nothing to do with you.

To the OP: your DW's romantic feelings for others have no place whatsoever in your relationship and there should be no accommodation.

However, if you both discuss and agree that you want to live an open and polyamorous life, that's OK - but you need to be upfront about this before anything happens. It cannot be an adjustment after-the-fact because that means one of you will be making unfair compromises.

Unfortunately, it seems you are already headed in the wrong direction with DW pressuring you to respect her emotional exigencies and to be very cool and civilized about it (i.e. to be a sucker), 'cause we're adults hahaha its just a harmless flirty thingy...

[Anonymous]

Anyone else notice how the answers are always different is it's a DH vs a DW? Just look at the thread where a DH got drunk on a business trip, went to another woman's room where she got naked, and now he's continuing to talk to her and that's totally cool, DW is overreacting, DH had good intentions, men are just clueless, and their poor egos need the boost. When it's a DW texting a guy, she's insane and delusional and a cheater.

Maybe this DW has good intentions. Maybe she also likes the ego boost. Maybe she's also clueless about the guy's intentions and thinks they are just friends.

[Anonymous]

DW here. I also talk about a married co-worker at times with DH. And we text after work-hours. DH knows we went to lunch. DH sees maybe 1 text a week, but really it's daily. DH jokes about my co-worker. Sex with DH is 2-3 times a week and is great in terms of physical sensations but not emotional.

My co-worker has been my AP for months. DH is clueless.

Why do I need an AP? Because he makes me feel like a woman again. He gives me an ego boost. He notices little details about me that DH never noticed. I will never leave DH.