Reply to Cousin disrespected wishes, put my family in terrible position

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I am sympathetic with you and I believe your mother is awful and that you are doing the best you can in a bad situation.

That said, though, I think your demand of your cousin was unreasonable, given that you know your cousin is in touch with your mom and you know your mom is intrusive and unrelenting. You said you just didn't want your cousin to tell your mom you would be there, as if this is a simple or reasonable request. I am very sympathetic to you, but I don't think your request was either simple or reasonable. Imagine this scenario:

Cousin: me and the kids are going with X Y and Z cousins to Lewes beach next week!
Your mom: will my daughter and her family also be there?
Cousin: um......

Even if your cousin said nothing, your mom would know. Your cousin may very well be a jerk, but in family situations I think it is unwise to start asking other family members to keep secrets. It's sad but if you don't want a person to share something with someone else, you simply cannot share things with them. Given your family situation, it is sad, but I think going on a big family reunion and expecting that your mom would not know was not feasible, even if all cousins involved were acting in good faith.

I feel you are directing a ton of anger at your cousin, when in fact the anger should be aimed at the real problem--your mother. You don't seem to acknowledge at all that you put your one cousin in a very uncomfortable situations. You are deciding that certain cousins are "bad" and others are "good" in a very black/white all-or-nothing way (or at least it seems that way from your post). I know you are dealing with a tough situation but I think you want to be really careful about looking at the world in this way -- I say this as someone who grapples with this personally, because issues of control and black-and-white thinking go hand in hand with having experienced abuse. [/quote]

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