Neighbor kids conned my kid out of piggy bank $- WWYD?

[Anonymous]

It is so depressing how many responses in this thread are saying "don't tell Grandma- it will bother her!", "don't tell Grandma because it's not your business - focus only on your own kids," "don't tell Grandma and just ban the kid from your house forever," "this is totally normal behavior - ignore it!" Paternalism, apathy, cruelty, selfishness. Makes me fear for the future of humanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, let's play this out...

1) you tell the grandma
2) grandma gets upset with i) your accusation; and ii) her grand-daughter if it's true
3) so, grandma asks her grand-daughter
4) (most likely) grand-daughter tells her it's not true and makes up some story which, most likely, grandma will believe
5) grandma gets pissed at OP and OP's kids
6) OP just lost her neighbor; and
7) OP's kids lost their friend

Or:

1) You tell grandma
2) Grandma says, "Thanks for letting me know. I'll talk to grandkid about it."
3) Grandma talks to grandkid and either believes her or doesn't believer her, and says, "Ok, but you know it's WRONG to make a younger kid pay to play with own toy, right"?
4) Grandkid hopefully gets it and does not repeat the behavior. Moral character shaped for the better.

Yes! This is the "it takes a village" mentality. When we grew up and were all over the neighborhood if we got caught doing something wrong by another mom, they were on their rotary phone in no time.

It amazes me how many people just want to blow this off. The girl has some scars and issues. This could turn into something worse the next time if she thinks this is okay. It isn't just about the OP's kids. Let the Grandmom know. Let her decide what to do.

Actually, in this child's case, the village failed her and she was bounced around and probably doesn't have strong attachments and worries day to day where she will be. Grandma needs to know to address it with her and help her through as part of building their relationship but the reasons why are different from a typical kid.

But telling the Grandmom is being her village because she doesn't have a big one right now. Being her advocate. Of course it is a little awkward but you are helping this girl in the long run.

These moms here think of it as a threat, as something to be annoyed with, or embarrassed about. Parents used to be able to take other parents, teachers, coaches, telling them "Suzy is not doing abc but is doing xyz" and the parents would thank them for notifying them and PARENT their kid about xyz. Then the kid would have to go apologize in person for xyz. Now parents get annoyed, have excuse, and try and turn it around on the person saying the issue. This has to change. We have to be able to help and want to receive help. This isn't a contest. It is raising good kind human beings all around you.

[Anonymous]

I would talk to my kids. The oldest needs to stick up for the youngest and the youngest needs to learn that what happened is not ok. He needs permission from mom/dad before giving piggy bank money away. How much was in the piggy bank? $5 or $500? If it was a lot of money, go straight to the grandma, explain the situation and ask for it back. If it was a small amount, next time the little girl comes, I would talk to her about it in a nice way. Tell her it was not ok to take someone's piggy bank money without a parent permission. At 9 she'll be embarrassed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is so depressing how many responses in this thread are saying "don't tell Grandma- it will bother her!", "don't tell Grandma because it's not your business - focus only on your own kids," "don't tell Grandma and just ban the kid from your house forever," "this is totally normal behavior - ignore it!" Paternalism, apathy, cruelty, selfishness. Makes me fear for the future of humanity.

I feel exactly the same way. It's sad that people fear the grandmother's reaction so much they wont tell her what went on in their house. I would definitely want the heads up. And even if you don't get the reaction you are expecting from the grandmother, you shouldn't be basing your actions all the time on what you think you know (think you know!!!) will happen next and screw you over. Ugh...
Have a convo with your kids to help them not veer in this direction again, have brief convo with neighbor, move on. It shouldn't be this hard for people to just communicate with one another while we raise kids next to one another. good grief.

[Anonymous]

My first reaction was to talk to the grandma, but after reflection this is what I'd do:
The next time Larla comes over to play, I'd say:
"Larla, it's nice to see you. I'm so glad that you could come over to play with Jimmy and Janie today. The last time you were here, Jimmy said that you asked him for money so that he could play with his walkie-talkie. In our house, we share playthings and we don't charge people for playing, so please don't do that again. Would you guys like a snack before playing?"
Larla will be stunned to be called out, and will not pull that kind of stunt again. I agree with a PP that if Grandma is brought in, Larla will likely deny (that's what kids that age do) and Grandma will be in a tough position of whether to tell grand-daughter that she is taking the neighbor's word over hers.
I've done similar things with smaller transgressions, like "Larla -- thanks for coming over to play! Last time you were here, you made kind of a big mess in Susie's room. We try to clean up as we go here, so please make sure you put away toys when you are done with them, okay? [kid nods okay]. Thanks! Have fun!" I think it's effective, particularly if you can do it in a matter of fact, nice way. Like -- we still like you as a person and want you as a friend, but that kind of behavior is not okay.

Also, I do think the background is probably a little relevant. The way that people who grew up in famine conditions tend to hoard food compulsively. I think it's not unusual for kids that grew up in very deprived circumstances to try to hoard things, get more than their share, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP here again with an update. I decided to tell Grandma after thinking about her parenting style and, because if it was my kid, I'd want to know. She was awesome about the whole thing. She profusely thanked me for letting her know and said "That explains the folded up dollar bills that she had that I asked her about." She was emphatic that she wanted to know because that's the only way she can nip poor behavior in the bud. I agreed and noted that I'd want her to feel free to tell me if my daughter ever stepped out of line at their house.

She had the Granddaughter bring back over the money and apologize. The girl was sheepish and uncomfortable, but there is no question that she got the message. I thanked her for coming and praised her for being brave because this was a tough thing to do.

After she left I reiterated the messages I had told my kids before - you don't pay people to be your friend, you don't pay people for a toy that belongs to our family and you never ask friends to pay you for something like this either. I also reemphasized to my daughter to stand up when she knows a friend is doing something wrong.

As Grandma said in a text to me later "This child rearing thing doesn't get any easier!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again with an update. I decided to tell Grandma after thinking about her parenting style and, because if it was my kid, I'd want to know. She was awesome about the whole thing. She profusely thanked me for letting her know and said "That explains the folded up dollar bills that she had that I asked her about." She was emphatic that she wanted to know because that's the only way she can nip poor behavior in the bud. I agreed and noted that I'd want her to feel free to tell me if my daughter ever stepped out of line at their house.

She had the Granddaughter bring back over the money and apologize. The girl was sheepish and uncomfortable, but there is no question that she got the message. I thanked her for coming and praised her for being brave because this was a tough thing to do.

After she left I reiterated the messages I had told my kids before - you don't pay people to be your friend, you don't pay people for a toy that belongs to our family and you never ask friends to pay you for something like this either. I also reemphasized to my daughter to stand up when she knows a friend is doing something wrong.

As Grandma said in a text to me later "This child rearing thing doesn't get any easier!"

Glad it worked out--you have a good neighbor there! And thanks for the update!

[Anonymous]

My kid is 9 yrs old and has no clue where his piggy bank is, for this very reason. He'd probably do something really stupid with all the money in it.