Why did he lie about something stupid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you see the conversation with the husband playing out?

"I know you didn't go to Jimmy Johns. Where did you go?"
"I went to the Home Depot, I just didn't want to tell you."
"Why did you lie about who the conference call was with?"
"Because all of us were on the conference call together."

Pathological liars tell infinite lies. OP will never get a straight story out of this guy.

The things OP has laid out here aren't necessarily even lies, so it's a bit of a leap to call the guy a pathological liar. I mean, she's seriously going to sit him down and say "I'm divorcing you because 8 weeks ago you said you got Jimmy John's but I think maybe you didn't"?

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Maybe I jumped the gun with divorce. I'll stay put for now.

Question: right now I am only going on evidence that literally falls into my lap, and that makes me controlling and anxious. How do I go looking for more incriminating evidence without being controlling and anxious? Should I go looking for more incriminating evidence?

If I ask him about the Jimmy johns and the conference call (and the handful of other strange occurrences over the past several weeks), do I just accept his answer and drop it? Even if it makes zero sense (like going to a restaurant that doesn't exist because I would freak out over him spending money which I have never done?).

[Anonymous]

You should not make an important decision on the basis of feedback from DCUM. The specific lies you are aware of over the past 8 weeks might sound small to the folks reading here because you are not able to convey adequately the feeling in your gut. I am assuming that your gut is sending you powerful messages ... mistrust doesn't just come from no where.

Second guessing yourself is all part of the "should I leave a cheater" experience. When you finally talk to him about all of this, it will get much worse because he will tell you all the things you long to hear and explain all the "misunderstandings" and probably blameshift so that the problem becomes your "paranoia" instead of his lies. Ask me how I know. One way to counteract this lovely experience is to possibly be more sure. I am not suggesting (like other posters here) that you don't know enough. If you no longer trust the person you are with to tell you the truth ... that is enough, in my book. You might consider hiring a PI to keep tabs on him for a few weeks, particularly during lunch time and those nights out with the guys. If you have the money for a therapist, then perhaps you have the money for PI. Knowing "for sure" is really helpful in trusting your decision to leave. It is also helpful in getting a fair divorce settlement. Just remember, not finding a smoking gun doesn't necessarily mean there isn't one.

It is a really unhappy time for you and I am sorry. I recommend you go to chumplady.com to read, learn, and compare notes with folks who have been cheated on and will give you more empathy and good advice than you can get here. Your situation is about a lot more than an expired discount at a sub shop. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

It seems obvious to me he's having an affair.

Sex often gets better when someone is having an affair. They are in a higher state of arousal all the time.

[Anonymous]

I usually say trust your gut, but in this case MY gut is telling that the problem is you, OP.

I got uncomfortable just reading about the level of detail you have on your husband's life. You know the names of consultants he talks to for his job? You go to the same doctor seeking the same procedure? You track what time he goes to lunch, where he goes, and what time he returns? That's just unnatural.

Worse, you jump to thinking about divorce before you actually talk to him? Find a therapist first.

[Anonymous]

OP I divorced a cheater. I spent five miserable years playing Sherlock Homes. I don't recommend it.

Nonetheless you owe it to your children to be SURE before you divorce their dad. Hire a PI and figure out exactly what is going on. It's cheaper than a divorce.

Maybe he's a secret cross dresser and he's spending the time playing dress up. Maybe he's secretly in therapy.

Please get to the bottom of it before you make up your mind. DO NOT CONFRONT him until you have all the facts. Or he will just get better at hiding the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I usually say trust your gut, but in this case MY gut is telling that the problem is you, OP.

I got uncomfortable just reading about the level of detail you have on your husband's life. You know the names of consultants he talks to for his job? You go to the same doctor seeking the same procedure? You track what time he goes to lunch, where he goes, and what time he returns? That's just unnatural.

Worse, you jump to thinking about divorce before you actually talk to him? Find a therapist first.

I agree, and I say this because I am also a control freak and I've seen how it turns me into a pain in the ass to be around. H and I actually used to do the same thing - Gchat most of the day at work. It became exhausting after a while to announce every time I went to lunch or Starbucks. NO ONE needs to check in with each other that often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I usually say trust your gut, but in this case MY gut is telling that the problem is you, OP.

I got uncomfortable just reading about the level of detail you have on your husband's life. You know the names of consultants he talks to for his job? You go to the same doctor seeking the same procedure? You track what time he goes to lunch, where he goes, and what time he returns? That's just unnatural.

Worse, you jump to thinking about divorce before you actually talk to him? Find a therapist first.

"Do you want to go to lunch today? I can't go until one because I have to talk to my local counsel about that case I have in California at noon our time?"

Then when he texted me an hour after we were supposed to have lunch, I asked playfully (as was suggested after the JJs incident) "who kept you on the phone so long?" and he said "Bob Smith from [local DC firm]."

I don't track when he goes to lunch. He told me he was going to JJs. He asked me to go to lunch with him on Friday. So two days out of what, 40, I knew his lunch plans.

The medical procedure is a pilar cyst removal. He had his done first, and when I saw it wasn't a horrific recovery, I decided to have mine done too, so I went to the same doctor he went to. No different than asking DCUM for the recommendation of an OB or endocrinologist, which comes up every day.

I really do not think I am overly controlling here.

[Anonymous]

OP, you do not need to defend yourself to people on DCUM. Only you know the full story and how these incidents are making you feel. And those feelings are telling you something isn't right. As someone who ignored those feelings for decades before finally facing up to the unpleasant truth (he was cheating the whole time), I urge you to pay attention to them. Hire a PI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I usually say trust your gut, but in this case MY gut is telling that the problem is you, OP.

I got uncomfortable just reading about the level of detail you have on your husband's life. You know the names of consultants he talks to for his job? You go to the same doctor seeking the same procedure? You track what time he goes to lunch, where he goes, and what time he returns? That's just unnatural.

Worse, you jump to thinking about divorce before you actually talk to him? Find a therapist first.

"Do you want to go to lunch today? I can't go until one because I have to talk to my local counsel about that case I have in California at noon our time?"

Then when he texted me an hour after we were supposed to have lunch, I asked playfully (as was suggested after the JJs incident) "who kept you on the phone so long?" and he said "Bob Smith from [local DC firm]."

I don't track when he goes to lunch. He told me he was going to JJs. He asked me to go to lunch with him on Friday. So two days out of what, 40, I knew his lunch plans.

The medical procedure is a pilar cyst removal. He had his done first, and when I saw it wasn't a horrific recovery, I decided to have mine done too, so I went to the same doctor he went to. No different than asking DCUM for the recommendation of an OB or endocrinologist, which comes up every day.

I really do not think I am overly controlling here.

Trust your gut, of course, but again none of that sounds overly suspicious to me.

You are two different people, so who's to say his procedure couldn't be different or more complex than yours. Also, with the lunch...things come up at work. It's annoying but if it doesn't happen often I don't know why you are assuming it's a lie. Maybe he had one phone call after another.

If he were having an affair or doing something shady, why would HE ask YOU to go to lunch? Seems honest.

[Anonymous]

Maybe local firm did keep him on the phone. I've had many a conference call with one client, only to have to take another call shortly after because I was unavailable while I was on the first call.

Cyst to cyst can also be different - his could have been deeper, had other issues like infiltration under a wide area, etc. You're not the same people with the same bodies, so it actually is possible that recovery time could be different. Or, he asked differently "would it be a bad idea to take a day or two off for recovery?" And doc said " extra recovery time shouldn't be necessary, but is never a bad idea".

I think you're sleuthing is more you trying to connect dots that aren't there. Talk to him right out if you have questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I usually say trust your gut, but in this case MY gut is telling that the problem is you, OP.

I got uncomfortable just reading about the level of detail you have on your husband's life. You know the names of consultants he talks to for his job? You go to the same doctor seeking the same procedure? You track what time he goes to lunch, where he goes, and what time he returns? That's just unnatural.

Worse, you jump to thinking about divorce before you actually talk to him? Find a therapist first.

"Do you want to go to lunch today? I can't go until one because I have to talk to my local counsel about that case I have in California at noon our time?"

Then when he texted me an hour after we were supposed to have lunch, I asked playfully (as was suggested after the JJs incident) "who kept you on the phone so long?" and he said "Bob Smith from [local DC firm]."

I don't track when he goes to lunch. He told me he was going to JJs. He asked me to go to lunch with him on Friday. So two days out of what, 40, I knew his lunch plans.

The medical procedure is a pilar cyst removal. He had his done first, and when I saw it wasn't a horrific recovery, I decided to have mine done too, so I went to the same doctor he went to. No different than asking DCUM for the recommendation of an OB or endocrinologist, which comes up every day.

I really do not think I am overly controlling here.

Not PP, and I don't think you sound controlling. But I do think your husband doesn't necessarily sound like he's hiding something...it seems like he's fairly forthcoming with all of this stuff. The call that was to CA probably happened as scheduled, and he was then held up talking to this other guy in DC. You asked who held him up so long, and he answered truthfully. The doctor's visit thing where he took leave to "recover"...is that even a lie if he just wants to take a couple of days off? I'm not saying he couldn't be cheating, I just don't think that these things alone indicate that. I don't think this is the same thing as when women come on here asking about finding a dating app on their husband's phone, or condoms in his gym bag or whatever, and people twist themselves into knots trying to give innocent reasons for those things. The things you've described here, in my opinion, could actually have innocent explanations.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP, my gut does not lead to cheating.

He invites you out to lunch, he's not annoyed when you ask him things but answers (he probably did get switched over to Bob Smith during the call - the perfect time for you to say, I thought you were speaking with Steve Jones? And then he can explain why he spoke to both), chats with you at work all the time...I don't think there's anything terribly off here but I'm not living it. But OP you have to be smarter. Like saying you thought the call was with someone else. Like not making assumptions about what the doctor told HIM - recovery time for my surgery was supposed to be 24 hours but it was a solid 3 weeks before I could walk and operate a car. People are different.

[Anonymous]

what kind of sandwich did he order from JJ?

[Anonymous]

this post could quite possibly go down as one of the best ever ... divorcing your husband, breaking up your family with kids, over a sandwich at Jimmy Johns.