Why did he lie about something stupid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update:

I didn't confront him that weekend, but I started paying closer attention, and noticed a lot of strange coincidences. They were all smallish things that on their own wouldn't be a big deal, but there were a lot of these little instances.

Stuff like he had to have a minor medical procedure done and told me he needed to take two days of PTO to recover. I went to the same doctor for a consultation on the same procedure and was told I could go back to work as soon as the procedure was done. We both have plenty of PTO, and I swear I would not care if he just wanted to take time off to sit on the couch and binge on House of Cards or whatever. So why lie about that?

On Friday, we were going to have a lunch date, but he had a call with a (named) west coast consults any at noon (EDT) so he couldn't go until 1. I didn't hear anything from him until 2, and he said at that point it was too late for lunch. I asked who his call had been with, and he gave me the name of a different consultant (who is local). In a vacuum, I would say maybe he got his calls mixed up, or maybe the second one came up during the first, but there's a pattern of these little mishaps.

So anyway, I am leaving. I have thought about it, and I have no interest in playing Sherlock Holmes and looking for real evidence of an affair or something. The lying is enough for me to call it quits. And I don't think this is something we can counsel away. I am not going to get to a play where I am OK with his lying, and I think counseling will just make him better at hiding it.

I am going to call for an appointment with an attorney and a therapist on Monday so that I can come up with a plan. I felt like crap on Friday afternoon, and I broke down crying in the shower yesterday, but other than that, I am holding it together pretty well. I think discovering this bit by bit over two months has gradually numbed me, and allowed me to distance myself a little emotionally.

Um, are you a troll? He lied about lunch and about needing an extra day off and you're divorcing him over this? Are you ill, OP?

[Anonymous]

OP you are crazy, did you even talk to him about it?

[Anonymous]

He has told lies to me consistently for eight weeks. It's not just a one-time thing.

And if I confront him about it, he will just lie because that's what liars do.

[Anonymous]

I agree but I would certainly get his side of the story. Talk to a lawyer, set yourself up to leave, then tell him you have already decided it's over, you don't trust him, and ask for the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree but I would certainly get his side of the story. Talk to a lawyer, set yourself up to leave, then tell him you have already decided it's over, you don't trust him, and ask for the truth.

Yes. This is how I want planning to do it. I want to meet with a therapist so that I can work through the best way to have this conversation.

[Anonymous]

Good luck. He does sound shady. I hope it works out for you and the kids.

[Anonymous]

You owe it to your young children and yourself to explore this further. There is a possibility he could come clean, and that it is repairable. Was your closeness about managing anxiety (constant contact and reporting about lunch), or true intimacy?

[Anonymous]

I call troll... but assuming you are not.... if you are planning to divorce of these sorts of things with no evidence he has actually done something divorce worthy then I see why he is choosing to lie to you. You are a control freak and apparently any little thing sets you off. I can see where he though jimmy johns had dollar sandwiches... but then folks from the Office get there and they don't so they chose to head somewhere else... and he spend 15 or 20 bucks on lunch... OH lets say Korean BBQ and he didn't want to deal with your cray "why didn't you tell me you changed your plans?" type 20 questions. Maybe he decided he didn't want to do lunch with you so he chose to have conference calls during lunch... or maybe he did the first call and then a second call came in and he spend two hours just dealing with that stuff... who knows... but YOU sound crazy for divorcing over what you think are lies... you haven't even asked him about any of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update:

I didn't confront him that weekend, but I started paying closer attention, and noticed a lot of strange coincidences. They were all smallish things that on their own wouldn't be a big deal, but there were a lot of these little instances.

Stuff like he had to have a minor medical procedure done and told me he needed to take two days of PTO to recover. I went to the same doctor for a consultation on the same procedure and was told I could go back to work as soon as the procedure was done. We both have plenty of PTO, and I swear I would not care if he just wanted to take time off to sit on the couch and binge on House of Cards or whatever. So why lie about that?

On Friday, we were going to have a lunch date, but he had a call with a (named) west coast consults any at noon (EDT) so he couldn't go until 1. I didn't hear anything from him until 2, and he said at that point it was too late for lunch. I asked who his call had been with, and he gave me the name of a different consultant (who is local). In a vacuum, I would say maybe he got his calls mixed up, or maybe the second one came up during the first, but there's a pattern of these little mishaps.

So anyway, I am leaving. I have thought about it, and I have no interest in playing Sherlock Holmes and looking for real evidence of an affair or something. The lying is enough for me to call it quits. And I don't think this is something we can counsel away. I am not going to get to a play where I am OK with his lying, and I think counseling will just make him better at hiding it.

I am going to call for an appointment with an attorney and a therapist on Monday so that I can come up with a plan. I felt like crap on Friday afternoon, and I broke down crying in the shower yesterday, but other than that, I am holding it together pretty well. I think discovering this bit by bit over two months has gradually numbed me, and allowed me to distance myself a little emotionally.

What exactly have you discovered OP? That he didn't get a Jimmy Johns sub on a day when he said he did (or he didn't get the discounted sub, I'm still not clear on this.) Or that he had a work call with someone different than he initially said? Who divorces over a sandwich?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You owe it to your young children and yourself to explore this further. There is a possibility he could come clean, and that it is repairable. Was your closeness about managing anxiety (constant contact and reporting about lunch), or true intimacy?

Yeah I'm thinking she has some sort of control issues and this guy just needs some space and is tired for reporting in to his handler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update:

I didn't confront him that weekend, but I started paying closer attention, and noticed a lot of strange coincidences. They were all smallish things that on their own wouldn't be a big deal, but there were a lot of these little instances.

Stuff like he had to have a minor medical procedure done and told me he needed to take two days of PTO to recover. I went to the same doctor for a consultation on the same procedure and was told I could go back to work as soon as the procedure was done. We both have plenty of PTO, and I swear I would not care if he just wanted to take time off to sit on the couch and binge on House of Cards or whatever. So why lie about that?

On Friday, we were going to have a lunch date, but he had a call with a (named) west coast consults any at noon (EDT) so he couldn't go until 1. I didn't hear anything from him until 2, and he said at that point it was too late for lunch. I asked who his call had been with, and he gave me the name of a different consultant (who is local). In a vacuum, I would say maybe he got his calls mixed up, or maybe the second one came up during the first, but there's a pattern of these little mishaps.

So anyway, I am leaving. I have thought about it, and I have no interest in playing Sherlock Holmes and looking for real evidence of an affair or something. The lying is enough for me to call it quits. And I don't think this is something we can counsel away. I am not going to get to a play where I am OK with his lying, and I think counseling will just make him better at hiding it.

I am going to call for an appointment with an attorney and a therapist on Monday so that I can come up with a plan. I felt like crap on Friday afternoon, and I broke down crying in the shower yesterday, but other than that, I am holding it together pretty well. I think discovering this bit by bit over two months has gradually numbed me, and allowed me to distance myself a little emotionally.

What exactly have you discovered OP? That he didn't get a Jimmy Johns sub on a day when he said he did (or he didn't get the discounted sub, I'm still not clear on this.) Or that he had a work call with someone different than he initially said? Who divorces over a sandwich?[/quote]

dcums people

[Anonymous]

Update us after you've seen the lawyer, therapist, and talked to your husband. Wondering what he'll say. Personally, I'd talk to my spouse long before I'd rush off to see a divorce lawyer. I'm not exactly a fast-action person, though. I gather info, I mull things over. When I was cheated on and lied to, I was surprised to find that I didn't automatically 100 percent want to leave. I still loved him and wanted to see what was behind the behaviors and whether we should try to salvage things. But then we have kids, so it was about more than my feelings.

[Anonymous]

WTF OP? You would divorce your DH over something you never even addressed with him? Because you're assuming it's fruitless to talk about it? And over something that has only been going on 8 weeks? It sounds like you just want an excuse to get out. Otherwise it's totally nuts.

[Anonymous]

I just can't wrap my head around you breaking up your family over an offhand remark about Jimmy John's or who a conference call was with. If he's lying to cover up an affair - okay, yes, that's obviously divorce-worthy. But to immediately jump to divorce without even asking him about what could just be white lies, or even him just misspeaking? That's nuts.

[Anonymous]

How do you see the conversation with the husband playing out?

"I know you didn't go to Jimmy Johns. Where did you go?"
"I went to the Home Depot, I just didn't want to tell you."
"Why did you lie about who the conference call was with?"
"Because all of us were on the conference call together."

Pathological liars tell infinite lies. OP will never get a straight story out of this guy.