Why did he lie about something stupid?

[Anonymous]

what kind of sandwich did he order from JJ?"

I believe it was lightly fried tuna.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I divorced a cheater. I spent five miserable years playing Sherlock Homes. I don't recommend it.

Nonetheless you owe it to your children to be SURE before you divorce their dad. Hire a PI and figure out exactly what is going on. It's cheaper than a divorce.

Maybe he's a secret cross dresser and he's spending the time playing dress up. Maybe he's secretly in therapy.

Please get to the bottom of it before you make up your mind. DO NOT CONFRONT him until you have all the facts. Or he will just get better at hiding the truth.

I've learned that when people lie about small things, then they are lying about big things as well.

I agree with this. I also think that he's hiding something big, and it's probably cheating.. but that said - you should talk to him and figure out what is going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I usually say trust your gut, but in this case MY gut is telling that the problem is you, OP.

I got uncomfortable just reading about the level of detail you have on your husband's life. You know the names of consultants he talks to for his job? You go to the same doctor seeking the same procedure? You track what time he goes to lunch, where he goes, and what time he returns? That's just unnatural.

Worse, you jump to thinking about divorce before you actually talk to him? Find a therapist first.

"Do you want to go to lunch today? I can't go until one because I have to talk to my local counsel about that case I have in California at noon our time?"

Then when he texted me an hour after we were supposed to have lunch, I asked playfully (as was suggested after the JJs incident) "who kept you on the phone so long?" and he said "Bob Smith from [local DC firm]."

I don't track when he goes to lunch. He told me he was going to JJs. He asked me to go to lunch with him on Friday. So two days out of what, 40, I knew his lunch plans.

The medical procedure is a pilar cyst removal. He had his done first, and when I saw it wasn't a horrific recovery, I decided to have mine done too, so I went to the same doctor he went to. No different than asking DCUM for the recommendation of an OB or endocrinologist, which comes up every day.

I really do not think I am overly controlling here.

You go from suspicion to thinking about divorce in a mere six weeks without even having a discussion. At a minimum, your mrriage is not well.

I could not withstand all day checking inand a tick-tock on my day.. And I know because my own husband did that kind of constant monitoring in the first year of our relationship and accused me of lying if I failed to relay the correct information. It's annoying and exhausting and a form of abuse.

There is, quite literally, nothing he can do to make you feel better about it, so you might as well confront him with your suspicion. You'll just make yourself crazy on the hunt for lies, which will push him away even further. Maybe he's cheating, maybe not, but bottom line is that the trust is gone and he should at least be made aware of that.

[Anonymous]

Definitely put a tracker in his car, plus recorder. You should have more info soon that way.

[Anonymous]

Guy here....

Just a thought OP, but maybe your husband's perception of you--especially when you say things like "I've never freaked out about spending/Netflix watching/etc...--is different than your own perception of yourself. You may think you're being easy going, but he may sense some underlying disappointment or displeasure even if you claim not to care.

An example from my life: my wife is a vegan and I'm a meat eater. Just from her presence and for health reasons, I've basically adopted a vegan diet Monday-Thursday. While I'm thankful for the health benefits I've seen from my half vegan diet (lower BP, cholesterol, weight loss), sometimes by the time Thursday rolls around I can barely slog through another spinach salad with veggies and hummus on top. There's been an instance or two when I didn't bring lunch and DW conversationally asked my "what'd you get for lunch today?" and I've quickly defaulted to the healthy salad place, instead of saying I got the tacos with sour cream at the Mexican place. My DW is really cool and would never have cared about the Mexican, but it was instinctively almost a "I don't want to disappoint her" feeling that spurred the white lie.

My point is I think it's entirely plausible that these little white lies may be innocuous. Maybe he was burnt out at work and just wanted to use the surgery thing to take a couple of days off. He probably told his co-workers that the doc recommended a day or two, and just went with that. You'll probably say "Why didn't he just tell me that? I wouldn't have cared." That's a valid Q, but maybe he didn't want you to see him vulnerable, or didn't feel like getting into his work burnout. Maybe he felt a little guilty that he wanted to loaf at home and binge watch House of Cards, and thought you'd use those days off against him when he couldn't take that extra day off around the holidays. You do seem to have a very intricate involvement with his schedule, whereabouts, etc...this level of depth may be exhausting for him--possibly to the point where he almost has to scramble just to get the truth right. Almost the same premise of getting nervous talking to a police officer, even if you have nothing to hide. I may be a model citizen but I feel a little uneasy trying to make sure I'm answering the officer's questions correctly etc.

Just some thoughts...good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guy here....

Just a thought OP, but maybe your husband's perception of you--especially when you say things like "I've never freaked out about spending/Netflix watching/etc...--is different than your own perception of yourself. You may think you're being easy going, but he may sense some underlying disappointment or displeasure even if you claim not to care.

An example from my life: my wife is a vegan and I'm a meat eater. Just from her presence and for health reasons, I've basically adopted a vegan diet Monday-Thursday. While I'm thankful for the health benefits I've seen from my half vegan diet (lower BP, cholesterol, weight loss), sometimes by the time Thursday rolls around I can barely slog through another spinach salad with veggies and hummus on top. There's been an instance or two when I didn't bring lunch and DW conversationally asked my "what'd you get for lunch today?" and I've quickly defaulted to the healthy salad place, instead of saying I got the tacos with sour cream at the Mexican place. My DW is really cool and would never have cared about the Mexican, but it was instinctively almost a "I don't want to disappoint her" feeling that spurred the white lie.

My point is I think it's entirely plausible that these little white lies may be innocuous. Maybe he was burnt out at work and just wanted to use the surgery thing to take a couple of days off. He probably told his co-workers that the doc recommended a day or two, and just went with that. You'll probably say "Why didn't he just tell me that? I wouldn't have cared." That's a valid Q, but maybe he didn't want you to see him vulnerable, or didn't feel like getting into his work burnout. Maybe he felt a little guilty that he wanted to loaf at home and binge watch House of Cards, and thought you'd use those days off against him when he couldn't take that extra day off around the holidays. You do seem to have a very intricate involvement with his schedule, whereabouts, etc...this level of depth may be exhausting for him--possibly to the point where he almost has to scramble just to get the truth right. Almost the same premise of getting nervous talking to a police officer, even if you have nothing to hide. I may be a model citizen but I feel a little uneasy trying to make sure I'm answering the officer's questions correctly etc.

Just some thoughts...good luck.

Wife here, and this is spot on. I lie about little things because I just don't want to get into why I did what I did, which doesn't impact my husband or our children in any way. I definitely take time off work that I don't mention to him; in our case, it's because he would be hurt if he knew I took half a day off just be alone and not have to be constantly doing things for him and the house. I get desperate for a break, including from him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Maybe I jumped the gun with divorce. I'll stay put for now.

Question: right now I am only going on evidence that literally falls into my lap, and that makes me controlling and anxious. How do I go looking for more incriminating evidence without being controlling and anxious? Should I go looking for more incriminating evidence?

If I ask him about the Jimmy johns and the conference call (and the handful of other strange occurrences over the past several weeks), do I just accept his answer and drop it? Even if it makes zero sense (like going to a restaurant that doesn't exist because I would freak out over him spending money which I have never done?).

Just talk to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I divorced a cheater. I spent five miserable years playing Sherlock Homes. I don't recommend it.

Nonetheless you owe it to your children to be SURE before you divorce their dad. Hire a PI and figure out exactly what is going on. It's cheaper than a divorce.

Maybe he's a secret cross dresser and he's spending the time playing dress up. Maybe he's secretly in therapy.

Please get to the bottom of it before you make up your mind. DO NOT CONFRONT him until you have all the facts. Or he will just get better at hiding the truth.

Or maybe he just needs space.

[Anonymous]

I think even those little lies -- e.g. not telling your wife about the meat eating because it will disappoint her -- shouldn't happen.

Not to say I'm perfect. I have lied. But is it worth it to lie about your lunch?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think even those little lies -- e.g. not telling your wife about the meat eating because it will disappoint her -- shouldn't happen.

Not to say I'm perfect. I have lied. But is it worth it to lie about your lunch?

I lie about lunch, coffee, credit card use (for, say, garage parking or a drink -- NOT large purchases) etc because otherwise DH gives me unmitigated shit. I don't want to hear it. But then he catches me all the time and we fight more. Bad cycle that would be a non-issue if he didn't go apeshit about the $5-10 I spend twice a week. Translation: I lie because he's a nag.

[Anonymous]

^^and to add: is it worth it? Nope. Yet it continues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think even those little lies -- e.g. not telling your wife about the meat eating because it will disappoint her -- shouldn't happen.

Not to say I'm perfect. I have lied. But is it worth it to lie about your lunch?

I don't think it's healthy to have to report every single detail of your life to someone like they're your parole officer. If PP feels like saying he had a salad instead of a meatball sub, it's his right. It doesn't affect his wife in any way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think even those little lies -- e.g. not telling your wife about the meat eating because it will disappoint her -- shouldn't happen.

Not to say I'm perfect. I have lied. But is it worth it to lie about your lunch?

I lie about lunch, coffee, credit card use (for, say, garage parking or a drink -- NOT large purchases) etc because otherwise DH gives me unmitigated shit. I don't want to hear it. But then he catches me all the time and we fight more. Bad cycle that would be a non-issue if he didn't go apeshit about the $5-10 I spend twice a week. Translation: I lie because he's a nag.

Another wife here, and I agree. Not that my husband is a nag, he can be a nosey control freak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think even those little lies -- e.g. not telling your wife about the meat eating because it will disappoint her -- shouldn't happen.

Not to say I'm perfect. I have lied. But is it worth it to lie about your lunch?

PP who was the meat eater/Vegan poster....

To each their own I guess....every couple has to do what works best within their relationship ecosystem.

At the end of the day, DW and I don't really sweat the small stuff like that, as long as the important stuff (mutual respect, love, support, physical attraction etc.) is plentiful. It's the same reason why I don't prod (nor care) when I ask DW what she did today and she lists off her work and chores, but then I turn on Netflix and see that she's progressed ahead a few episodes in her favorite show ( a detail she left out). Maybe I'll tease her on it, maybe I'll ignore it, but its too inconsequential for me to care about in the grand scheme of our relationship.

I understand this may not work for everyone (particularly relationships with past issues of infidelity, hiding substance abuse, etc.), but I think there are plenty of healthy relationships out there that operate just fine with an inconsequential lie here or there.

[Anonymous]

PP, you're right. When I ask my H about his day and offer comments, I would really like to find out that I and the children are more central to his life than we really are.