Do STEM guys make good spouses and fathers?

[Anonymous]

I'm married to the head of an Internet company who's a programmer. I recognize a lot of his traits in others' posts. Late bloomer relationship-wise. Luckily he still thinks I'm the catch but the truth is HE is; he just picked the first halfway decent woman who was interested in him before his career took off. I wouldn't say he's super emotional but he is very attuned to how others feel and think. Great EQ, can sense how I'm feeling before I do. He's a fantastic father and a good dishwasher loader. The current demand for good programmers/tech managers also means that he can set his own terms at work so his hours are very reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Pp, how much does your systems engineer make with you as a sahm with 3 kids?

[Anonymous]

My dad is an engineer, and was the best dad. He showed up to everything, took sick days when my brothers or I were sick because his hours were pretty flexible.

My parents have been married for almost 40 years, and my dad is the hopeless romantic. My parents married after dating less than a year, and while I don't think my dad planned the wedding he is always planning great anniversary gifts.

The only downside is that for birthdays and Christmas gifts he is hopelessly practical, and had no idea why my mom was upset to receive a vacuum for her birthday one year. Now my mom just expects practical gifts and looks forward to their anniversary for more romantic gifts. Also, my dad is really good with money. He's never made a high salary, but is going to be able to retire in style. His budget is extremely detailed, and a little overwhelming.

He was really the best dad ever. I bought a house recently, and he's always willing to help me fix things, or give me instructions over the phone for how to fix things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp, how much does your systems engineer make with you as a sahm with 3 kids?

Their secret is married 20 years; they bought in the 90s, easy on one income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp, how much does your systems engineer make with you as a sahm with 3 kids?

Their secret is married 20 years; they bought in the 90s, easy on one income.

This. I am a different STEM husband, but with an emphasis on the Science.

My wife and I bought our house in 1999. We bought a smallish house in a good neighborhood. With that, we locked in monthly payment (loan only) that is about 1K/mo (was 1400, but we refinanced). This is for a 4 br house in a good neighborhood. Today, I might be able to afford the house, as my salary is 3x the 1999 salary, but it would be close.

The reason we bought the house (wife wanted to keep renting) was because I figured buying the house was a hedge against inflation: we were locking in the monthly payment at a number we could afford. Rents go up, but the mortgage is fixed (i.e., cash flow will improve with time).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp, how much does your systems engineer make with you as a sahm with 3 kids?

Might vary wildly depending on where you live and the size of the company. Plus "systems engineer" is a term that cover a pretty wide range.

But I'd say an experienced non-management computer systems engineer for a decent sized company probably makes 90K-120K.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp, how much does your systems engineer make with you as a sahm with 3 kids?

Might vary wildly depending on where you live and the size of the company. Plus "systems engineer" is a term that cover a pretty wide range.

But I'd say an experienced non-management computer systems engineer for a decent sized company probably makes 90K-120K.

That is low for a Systems Engineer in the DOD perspective. Systems engineer outside of DoD often means things like the person that figures out how the computer network should be laid out -- computer systems.

In DoD speak, it is talking about the internal and external component of "systems" from the the perspective of things. It could be a simple piece of code, or it could be the F35.

The systems engineer is the big picture person in a project. A DoD type SE can make upwards of 200K.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad is an engineer, and was the best dad. He showed up to everything, took sick days when my brothers or I were sick because his hours were pretty flexible.

My parents have been married for almost 40 years, and my dad is the hopeless romantic. My parents married after dating less than a year, and while I don't think my dad planned the wedding he is always planning great anniversary gifts.

The only downside is that for birthdays and Christmas gifts he is hopelessly practical, and had no idea why my mom was upset to receive a vacuum for her birthday one year. Now my mom just expects practical gifts and looks forward to their anniversary for more romantic gifts. Also, my dad is really good with money. He's never made a high salary, but is going to be able to retire in style. His budget is extremely detailed, and a little overwhelming.

He was really the best dad ever. I bought a house recently, and he's always willing to help me fix things, or give me instructions over the phone for how to fix things.

This is essentially what I hope for minus the practical gifts part. So far, BF has been outstanding with Christmas gifting, but I really don't care about the gifts so much as I care about the quality of time we have together. Since he is new out of his PHD program, his work is pretty intense right now as it is not direct government, but contracted with government work so often times he is coding even when he's not on the clock per se.

I just want to make sure that my decision is right to marry him and raise a family together even though I know there's no guarantee that things wouldn't change down the line, but I don't have many friends who are married to STEM guys so it's hard to relate.

I'm a full time working professional who will not be able to do the SAHM thing at least not full time because for my career to be on track, I need to put in face time with clients. BF's career allows him work flexibility so in the event of snow days, sick days, he will have to be able to handle that from home. He's already told me he thinks this won't be an issue for him, but I was just concerned that if his mind is too involved with work, what does that mean for the child(ren)'s safety, well being, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do these guys tend to be more faithful since they're less likely to be like lawyers or businessmen where they have to schmooze with others?

In my situation, my DH certainly seems to appreciate me a LOT as a wife and tells me all the time how lucky he feels. I was def more of the outgoing, joiner, drill team/sorority girl in High School and college. DH was band, mathlete etc. As my DH points out " we would have been pals in AP History class, but definitely hanging out at different parties on friday night." It took me until my mid 20s to appreciate the awesomeness nerd factor. They get the last laugh at the high school reunion too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do these guys tend to be more faithful since they're less likely to be like lawyers or businessmen where they have to schmooze with others?

In my situation, my DH certainly seems to appreciate me a LOT as a wife and tells me all the time how lucky he feels. I was def more of the outgoing, joiner, drill team/sorority girl in High School and college. DH was band, mathlete etc. As my DH points out " we would have been pals in AP History class, but definitely hanging out at different parties on friday night." It took me until my mid 20s to appreciate the awesomeness nerd factor. They get the last laugh at the high school reunion too.

OP. Yup. I'm what you described as you, and BF is much more like your DH, but add in sports to the mix. He played soccer and was a pretty good player since he managed to snag a sports scholarship for college.

I chuckled out loud at "they get the last laugh at the high school reunion too" because I can so see how that would play out.

I was the cheerleader, musical arts type in high school and college. I don't think I ever would have ended up with BF while I was in undergrad. We just wouldn't have ran in the same circle of friends, but now in my early 30s, I am totally of a different mindset and although I have never been in a relationship with a guy like BF, I actually feel really positive about being able to communicate and work things out together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad is an engineer, and was the best dad. He showed up to everything, took sick days when my brothers or I were sick because his hours were pretty flexible.

My parents have been married for almost 40 years, and my dad is the hopeless romantic. My parents married after dating less than a year, and while I don't think my dad planned the wedding he is always planning great anniversary gifts.

The only downside is that for birthdays and Christmas gifts he is hopelessly practical, and had no idea why my mom was upset to receive a vacuum for her birthday one year. Now my mom just expects practical gifts and looks forward to their anniversary for more romantic gifts. Also, my dad is really good with money. He's never made a high salary, but is going to be able to retire in style. His budget is extremely detailed, and a little overwhelming.

He was really the best dad ever. I bought a house recently, and he's always willing to help me fix things, or give me instructions over the phone for how to fix things.

This is essentially what I hope for minus the practical gifts part. So far, BF has been outstanding with Christmas gifting, but I really don't care about the gifts so much as I care about the quality of time we have together. Since he is new out of his PHD program, his work is pretty intense right now as it is not direct government, but contracted with government work so often times he is coding even when he's not on the clock per se.

I just want to make sure that my decision is right to marry him and raise a family together even though I know there's no guarantee that things wouldn't change down the line, but I don't have many friends who are married to STEM guys so it's hard to relate.

I'm a full time working professional who will not be able to do the SAHM thing at least not full time because for my career to be on track, I need to put in face time with clients. BF's career allows him work flexibility so in the event of snow days, sick days, he will have to be able to handle that from home. He's already told me he thinks this won't be an issue for him, but I was just concerned that if his mind is too involved with work, what does that mean for the child(ren)'s safety, well being, etc.

Each person is an individual. I don't think you should take what people are writing here and apply it to your decision to marry your boyfriend. If you are, are you going to ignore the posts where the husbands are messy, never finish projects and are generally scatter-brained?

[Anonymous]

My husband is STEM. Yes, he is a good dad and husband but not very good with expressing his emotions or being thoughtful or emotional or passionate. Very practical and logical. After 15 years it's just blah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I chuckled out loud at "they get the last laugh at the high school reunion too" because I can so see how that would play out.

I was the cheerleader, musical arts type in high school and college. I don't think I ever would have ended up with BF while I was in undergrad. We just wouldn't have ran in the same circle of friends, but now in my early 30s, I am totally of a different mindset and although I have never been in a relationship with a guy like BF, I actually feel really positive about being able to communicate and work things out together.

TRANSLATION: I would have never fucked BF when I was in HS or college because my status was so much higher than his, but now that we are in our 30s and my status has diminished significantly and I can't attract the guys I really want to fuck, I'll settle for BF.

What a catch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I chuckled out loud at "they get the last laugh at the high school reunion too" because I can so see how that would play out.

I was the cheerleader, musical arts type in high school and college. I don't think I ever would have ended up with BF while I was in undergrad. We just wouldn't have ran in the same circle of friends, but now in my early 30s, I am totally of a different mindset and although I have never been in a relationship with a guy like BF, I actually feel really positive about being able to communicate and work things out together.

TRANSLATION: I would have never fucked BF when I was in HS or college because my status was so much higher than his, but now that we are in our 30s and my status has diminished significantly and I can't attract the guys I really want to fuck, I'll settle for BF.

What a catch.

As a male scientist earning good money, I prefer to look at it as this: peoples priorities change. In the teens and 20's it is mostly about looks and hotness. Stability and smarts are either neutral or negative. Geekiness is not attractive.

By thirty, people have matured. They see the sexiness that is a geek with (relative stability). Safety becomes more important than adventure. Plus, the STEM guy making 100+ is much more attractive than the former jock who played there years of minor league baseball, gave up, and now is selling cars.

[Anonymous]

Don't you think people are a little more complicated than this?

A few examples --

My dad was an engineer with limited social skills, so not a great match for my extroverted mom. OTOH, my 2 sons are STEM guys (one studying engineering in college and the other now in med school) and they're extroverts with great social skills (they also know how to build and fix stuff, which is cool).

My DH is an excellent lawyer -- he's attentive to details, likes to debate -- but at home he's a good listener and really easygoing. My brother is also a lawyer -- he's a perfectionist who loves the sound of his own voice.