Do STEM guys make good spouses and fathers?

[Anonymous]

The catch is that many are socially awkward. You may end up not only being a spouse, but also acting as their mother in some ways. That's a turn off for some women.

STEM guys tend to be argumentative and have a hard time seeing others' points of view, especially if they deem that you're not acting in a "rational" manner. Appeals to emotion don't work with them, even though life sometimes calls for that. All they understand is rationality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is an engineer but he is TERRIBLE at loading the dishwasher. TERRIBLE!

Ah yes, the dishwasher conundrum. We had to have a discussion about the best placement of different dishes for optimal water coverage. I will say that the downside of having a STEM husband is that I have to have the best logic to win an argument and I can't win an argument with emotional reasons. The upside is that he recognizes when my logic is better than his.

LOL!!! I love this explanation. It's hilarious and so true. I do the same thing. I have to frame my arguments more logically than I would around other people. He also wants to "fix" whatever I complain about when most of the time I just want someone to listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is an engineer but he is TERRIBLE at loading the dishwasher. TERRIBLE!

Ah yes, the dishwasher conundrum. We had to have a discussion about the best placement of different dishes for optimal water coverage. I will say that the downside of having a STEM husband is that I have to have the best logic to win an argument and I can't win an argument with emotional reasons. The upside is that he recognizes when my logic is better than his.

LOL!!! I love this explanation. It's hilarious and so true. I do the same thing. I have to frame my arguments more logically than I would around other people. He also wants to "fix" whatever I complain about when most of the time I just want someone to listen.

Is this you?

[Anonymous]

STEM guys tend to be argumentative and have a hard time seeing others' points of view, especially if they deem that you're not acting in a "rational" manner. Appeals to emotion don't work with them, even though life sometimes calls for that. All they understand is rationality.

Yes, that drives me insane about DH. DS is also a STEM guy, but much better than DH at understanding the viewpoints of others. I like to think he got it from me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Literal thinkers. They will take what you say at face-value. Mean what you say. Say what you mean. Say it exactly. Don't expect attention to nuance, figurative language - ie don't expect poetry or attention to frivolous detail. If observing "special" dates is important - anniversary, etc - give them reminders.

Stem DH here. This for sure. The one that always frustrates me is when DW tells me I should be romantic. Be specific and I can do it. "Romantic" is too ambiguous for me to figure out.

I remember to observe special dates since that part's easy (remembering numbers and dates).. it's just hard to think outside of the routine in terms of what to do for it.

Also DW gets slightly annoyed that I always follow directions. If we get a piece of furniture from Ikea, I first set out all the screws and parts and do a full count to make sure we have it all, then go exactly step by step. Same with cooking -- I follow the recipe exactly and never improvise. It's respect for the process, since in engineering if you don't follow the process, things break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The catch is that many are socially awkward. You may end up not only being a spouse, but also acting as their mother in some ways. That's a turn off for some women.

STEM guys tend to be argumentative and have a hard time seeing others' points of view, especially if they deem that you're not acting in a "rational" manner. Appeals to emotion don't work with them, even though life sometimes calls for that. All they understand is rationality.

Compared to wives? Ha! I beg to differ.

[Anonymous]

STEM nerds are the best. I am married to a nerd (not stem but close enough). They are super handy and can do all the lift for kid science projects, math homework etc. Yep a lot are socially awkward and not around a lot of women, but that just means they are waaaaay more appreciative of their wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think some of you are thinking too stereotypically. DH is an engineer with 2 masters degrees in EE and physics. He is very logical, loves to figure out problems and is very smart. He reads math books (I actually don't even understand the titles!) at night before bed. Loves working on cars and small engines. He's even rewired our HVAC and he preprograms circuit boards in appliances and such when they stop working.

But... he's still extremely social. He's not nerdy at all or socially stunted. He loves to dance and go out. We love visiting museums together. I'm extremely creative and he does value that in me, just like I value how perfect everything is that he does and how he fixes everything.

He's a great husband. But he wouldn't make enough to support a family on his salary. He makes like 110k and is top of his field. I think in 20 years he will be at like 140k.

No, we're sharing our personal experiences, not stereotypes we saw in 80s movies.

[Anonymous]

DH is an engineer and I swear sometimes he's got some kind of social disorder. He's wicked smart but his emotional IQ is really low. Introverted with little tolerance/empathy for things he doesn't understand, which is basically anything that isn't concrete and proved fact-based lol

Overall he's a good husband, great provider. In the beginning, his social awkwardness was endearing because I could tell he was trying but now that he doesn't try so much, it can be off putting. Even still, he can be very sweet and for the most part he's willing to put forth effort to do the things that make me happy (listening to my stories, complimenting me every once in a while, and not correcting me all the time).

We don't have children (yet?). I'm a bit nervous but I think we might be a good balance as far as personalities go and not completely ruin a kid *fingers crossed*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The catch is that many are socially awkward. You may end up not only being a spouse, but also acting as their mother in some ways. That's a turn off for some women.

STEM guys tend to be argumentative and have a hard time seeing others' points of view, especially if they deem that you're not acting in a "rational" manner. Appeals to emotion don't work with them, even though life sometimes calls for that. All they understand is rationality.

Agree with this 100%. I previously dated nerdy STEM guys, married a non-nerdy but technically STEM guy and am so much happier. A lot of these guys like to think they are logical and rational but are often extremely hypocritical. Often times they feel the need to be right about everything since their self-worth is built on being smart, which results in every disagreement in the relationship being your fault (never theirs).

In my experience, many of them are very emotionally immature and I believe being a good parent requires emotional maturity.

[Anonymous]

Love this thread - everyone thinks they are STEM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is an engineer and I swear sometimes he's got some kind of social disorder. He's wicked smart but his emotional IQ is really low. Introverted with little tolerance/empathy for things he doesn't understand, which is basically anything that isn't concrete and proved fact-based lol

Overall he's a good husband, great provider. In the beginning, his social awkwardness was endearing because I could tell he was trying but now that he doesn't try so much, it can be off putting. Even still, he can be very sweet and for the most part he's willing to put forth effort to do the things that make me happy (listening to my stories, complimenting me every once in a while, and not correcting me all the time).

We don't have children (yet?). I'm a bit nervous but I think we might be a good balance as far as personalities go and not completely ruin a kid *fingers crossed*

This more or less is what it sounds like I am signing up for. With regard to emotional IQ, I feel like anything that requires feelings is like pulling teeth. It's just so hard to read his emotions because he doesn't display them outwardly.

He is a really sweet guy in that he treats me well and treats me right. We get along without many arguments, but when I need to explain something to him I really have to spell it all out. There's no hypotheticals, there's no reading in between the lines if I want a certain outcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband's an engineer, and he's pretty rad.

Mine is an engineer in a specialty field & he over analyzes everything, but otherwise he's great.

Same here. One question and the answer becomes a book.

Great husband, great father, excessive natural energy so he's fun. And funny.

+1 to all of the above. His curiosity in how things work has also made him great in bed.

[Anonymous]

Married to one. Typical INTP aka forgetful physics professor. He is literal, rational, against any societal rules, doesn't like authority, can never find his keys etc. He can live in a mess forever without even realizing it. But cares a lot about our kids, spends a lot quality time with them, overall a great father. Also, not just because of him of course, I think we have pretty smart off springs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is an engineer and I swear sometimes he's got some kind of social disorder. He's wicked smart but his emotional IQ is really low. Introverted with little tolerance/empathy for things he doesn't understand, which is basically anything that isn't concrete and proved fact-based lol

Overall he's a good husband, great provider. In the beginning, his social awkwardness was endearing because I could tell he was trying but now that he doesn't try so much, it can be off putting. Even still, he can be very sweet and for the most part he's willing to put forth effort to do the things that make me happy (listening to my stories, complimenting me every once in a while, and not correcting me all the time).

We don't have children (yet?). I'm a bit nervous but I think we might be a good balance as far as personalities go and not completely ruin a kid *fingers crossed*

Things were very difficult when we had our first child. Things that I would normally let slide I couldn't because there was another person involved for whom I was responsible. My husband is not as bad as some of the descriptions here (he is somewhat adventurous and he like going out with friends although it's a small circle), but we had huge disagreements about raising our first child.

The situation has gotten much better due to a few things:
- If we disagree about child rearing I would buy some books to read. He will generally follow the advice in a book written by a child psychologist or child expert
- We had a second child, so there's no time to fret about the small things. Once you're more in survival mode you tend to let things slide and with a second we both realized that nature (vs nurture) plays a huge role. I let him dress the children even though it's often a disaster and lets me spoil them once in a while.