Do STEM guys make good spouses and fathers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Love this thread - everyone thinks they are STEM.

I don't understand this comment. A PhD in quantum physics isn't STEM???

[Anonymous]

OP.

Can those of you married to STEM guys tell me what was wedding planning like for you?

Were you in charge of everything and just directed him to the store to pick out his suiting and groomsmen suits, and when/where to arrive for the big day? Or was he a big part of the process, involved and attentive even though it sounds like logically he probably doesn't care that much.

Aside from what's already been mentioned, what kind of tips or advice can you offer someone who is about to marry one of these guys? e.g, how to handle financial decisions, child rearing decisions, SAHM vs. WOHM, responsibilities of social standard (PTA meetings, church gatherings, family reunions, friends circle, etc.)

[Anonymous]

I agree with a lot of the observations here (DH is a software engineer, total geek, and super handy person). I've more than once played the "I'm the psychologist in the family" card in discussions about child-rearing. It helps that I actually am one, of course, but he often defers to my knowledge, thank goodness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP.

Can those of you married to STEM guys tell me what was wedding planning like for you?

Were you in charge of everything and just directed him to the store to pick out his suiting and groomsmen suits, and when/where to arrive for the big day? Or was he a big part of the process, involved and attentive even though it sounds like logically he probably doesn't care that much.

Aside from what's already been mentioned, what kind of tips or advice can you offer someone who is about to marry one of these guys? e.g, how to handle financial decisions, child rearing decisions, SAHM vs. WOHM, responsibilities of social standard (PTA meetings, church gatherings, family reunions, friends circle, etc.)

I 100% planned the wedding, but told him what I was doing as I went along. He was interested, but just mainly wanted me to be happy and I liked planning it. We are exactly 50/50 on finances, decisions and anything in our lives. We never, ever argue and I think a lot of it is because we're less emotional? We talk through a lot of things and make a lot of plans before we do anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is an engineer but he is TERRIBLE at loading the dishwasher. TERRIBLE!

I don't like how my husband does it either but I'd rather him do it than not.

[Anonymous]

My husband is a software engineer. He's a great dad and husband. I love a nerdy guy!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP.

Can those of you married to STEM guys tell me what was wedding planning like for you?

Were you in charge of everything and just directed him to the store to pick out his suiting and groomsmen suits, and when/where to arrive for the big day? Or was he a big part of the process, involved and attentive even though it sounds like logically he probably doesn't care that much.

Aside from what's already been mentioned, what kind of tips or advice can you offer someone who is about to marry one of these guys? e.g, how to handle financial decisions, child rearing decisions, SAHM vs. WOHM, responsibilities of social standard (PTA meetings, church gatherings, family reunions, friends circle, etc.)

My stem husband planned and did everything. I literally just showed up. But he is one of those rare STEM people with a strong artistic and organizing streak. Like other DH's if you ask him a question be prepared to lose 2 hours of your life - I keep saying - give me an executive summary please

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP.

Can those of you married to STEM guys tell me what was wedding planning like for you?

Were you in charge of everything and just directed him to the store to pick out his suiting and groomsmen suits, and when/where to arrive for the big day? Or was he a big part of the process, involved and attentive even though it sounds like logically he probably doesn't care that much.

Aside from what's already been mentioned, what kind of tips or advice can you offer someone who is about to marry one of these guys? e.g, how to handle financial decisions, child rearing decisions, SAHM vs. WOHM, responsibilities of social standard (PTA meetings, church gatherings, family reunions, friends circle, etc.)

I'm the PP who's married to the engineer with a low emotional IQ.

Wedding planning was actually not awful, I planned it all and he was fine with that. I was pretty laidback about almost everything, the opposite of a bridezilla. When I wanted his input, I just made sure it was organized (spreadsheets for everything, venue and vendor selection meetings, cake tasting, menu tasting, etc) Sounds bad like I spoon-fed him everything and I did but it was really helpful for me to stay organized and not get caught up and carried away. When things did get rough for me (mainly because of my mom) he was supportive and attentive because he was in-the-loop.

Finances, he does really well—no debt, plenty of savings, lots of investments, loaded 401k, already a homeowner in DC when we met. I've got a shit ton in student loans, a nonprofit career that pays okay, and an appreciation for the finer things lol. We balance each other well, he's taught me a lot about investment, retirement, etc and I've taught him that it's okay to splurge every once in a while.

No kids, so no insight on child rearing with a STEM guy. He and I have to come to consensus on some fundamentals. I love the way he is with his niece and nephews which is a nice indicator but still, we need a child rearing "roadmap." DH really values the opinions of experts (like if you don't have a terminal degree in whatever the topic is, don't even try to convince him of anything. So frustrating) so I love the PP who suggested books! We'll definitely look into that.

I can't imagine not working, so I'll be a WOHM. I also can't imagine being at the mercy of my DH's financial logic which is pretty strict lol. That sounds horrible I know, I do trust him to meet my needs but I love working and the freedom and semi-independence that comes along with making my own money. All of our finances are joint and he makes a lot more than I do but it just keeps things uncomplicated that I contribute actual dollars and not household/childcare efforts. Hope that doesn't offend.

Social standard. I can never really leave his side at a social gathering because he'd never go strike up a conversation with someone. This kind of sucks because I'm a very social person but the flip side is once I start talking to someone or a group, he can hold his own. He has a core group of friends from high school/college that are scattered around the world so we only get up with his people every so often. He's so different from my best friends' husbands (sales, law, & finance guys) that we haven't been able to get them to "click." So that just means a lot of him and me because our families aren't local. Which I don't mind for the most part. When we are around family, it's fine. He's very comfortable around his family of course and my family is so rowdy and fun they don't allow anyone to be shy around them and he seems to enjoy it or at least tolerate it.

Long winded but I hope it helps!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP.

Can those of you married to STEM guys tell me what was wedding planning like for you?

Were you in charge of everything and just directed him to the store to pick out his suiting and groomsmen suits, and when/where to arrive for the big day? Or was he a big part of the process, involved and attentive even though it sounds like logically he probably doesn't care that much.

Aside from what's already been mentioned, what kind of tips or advice can you offer someone who is about to marry one of these guys? e.g, how to handle financial decisions, child rearing decisions, SAHM vs. WOHM, responsibilities of social standard (PTA meetings, church gatherings, family reunions, friends circle, etc.)

I'm the PP who's married to the engineer with a low emotional IQ.

Wedding planning was actually not awful, I planned it all and he was fine with that. I was pretty laidback about almost everything, the opposite of a bridezilla. When I wanted his input, I just made sure it was organized (spreadsheets for everything, venue and vendor selection meetings, cake tasting, menu tasting, etc) Sounds bad like I spoon-fed him everything and I did but it was really helpful for me to stay organized and not get caught up and carried away. When things did get rough for me (mainly because of my mom) he was supportive and attentive because he was in-the-loop.

Finances, he does really well—no debt, plenty of savings, lots of investments, loaded 401k, already a homeowner in DC when we met. I've got a shit ton in student loans, a nonprofit career that pays okay, and an appreciation for the finer things lol. We balance each other well, he's taught me a lot about investment, retirement, etc and I've taught him that it's okay to splurge every once in a while.

No kids, so no insight on child rearing with a STEM guy. He and I have to come to consensus on some fundamentals. I love the way he is with his niece and nephews which is a nice indicator but still, we need a child rearing "roadmap." DH really values the opinions of experts (like if you don't have a terminal degree in whatever the topic is, don't even try to convince him of anything. So frustrating) so I love the PP who suggested books! We'll definitely look into that.

I can't imagine not working, so I'll be a WOHM. I also can't imagine being at the mercy of my DH's financial logic which is pretty strict lol. That sounds horrible I know, I do trust him to meet my needs but I love working and the freedom and semi-independence that comes along with making my own money. All of our finances are joint and he makes a lot more than I do but it just keeps things uncomplicated that I contribute actual dollars and not household/childcare efforts. Hope that doesn't offend.

Social standard. I can never really leave his side at a social gathering because he'd never go strike up a conversation with someone. This kind of sucks because I'm a very social person but the flip side is once I start talking to someone or a group, he can hold his own. He has a core group of friends from high school/college that are scattered around the world so we only get up with his people every so often. He's so different from my best friends' husbands (sales, law, & finance guys) that we haven't been able to get them to "click." So that just means a lot of him and me because our families aren't local. Which I don't mind for the most part. When we are around family, it's fine. He's very comfortable around his family of course and my family is so rowdy and fun they don't allow anyone to be shy around them and he seems to enjoy it or at least tolerate it.

Long winded but I hope it helps!

PP, if I could take you out to coffee I absolutely would!! Thank you for your insight and experience to my questions. You have literally described my BF to the T. We are 1.5 years into our relationship, minus the DC home ownership, you and I have almost parallel lives from your description. You covered everything from my work, his work, my student loans, his financial portfolio, my personality, his personality, and our friends/family circle.

I am the one who has the nephew, but he is great with him. Nephew is 18 months, and BF sits and plays build the blocks with the foam blocks with him. He buys him toys at birthday and Christmas that are Legos or Star Wars related since those are super popular right now, and he engages with my nephew as much as possible. Since the little guy has a short attention span, BF backs off and doesn't push it like the grandmothers do or mother (SIL) for that matter.

My hope is that as we launch into wedding planning months ahead he will want to be an active part of the process rather than relying on just me to make the decisions with my maid of honor.

[Anonymous]

q. How can you tell when you have an extroverted scientist/engineer?

a. He looks at your shoes when talking to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP.

Can those of you married to STEM guys tell me what was wedding planning like for you?

Were you in charge of everything and just directed him to the store to pick out his suiting and groomsmen suits, and when/where to arrive for the big day? Or was he a big part of the process, involved and attentive even though it sounds like logically he probably doesn't care that much.

Aside from what's already been mentioned, what kind of tips or advice can you offer someone who is about to marry one of these guys? e.g, how to handle financial decisions, child rearing decisions, SAHM vs. WOHM, responsibilities of social standard (PTA meetings, church gatherings, family reunions, friends circle, etc.)

My stem husband planned and did everything. I literally just showed up. But he is one of those rare STEM people with a strong artistic and organizing streak. Like other DH's if you ask him a question be prepared to lose 2 hours of your life - I keep saying - give me an executive summary please

Me too! Except I'm a reforming control freak, so I tried to stick my hand in things. I learned my lesson. He did an astoundingly fabulous job.

[Anonymous]

Do these guys tend to be more faithful since they're less likely to be like lawyers or businessmen where they have to schmooze with others?

[Anonymous]

I am nearly 20 years into a marriage with a STEM (computer science) guy and I can echo a lot of what's been said here.

I will say sometimes I long for more emotional connection / empathy. I feel like there's very little emotional insight into me. I can be overwhelmed by emotions, and I think emotional intensity is probably what DH found attractive in me in some ways, but it's hard for him to understand and deal with and sometimes he retreats when what I really need is more of a loving presence. We're both working on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP.

Can those of you married to STEM guys tell me what was wedding planning like for you?

Were you in charge of everything and just directed him to the store to pick out his suiting and groomsmen suits, and when/where to arrive for the big day? Or was he a big part of the process, involved and attentive even though it sounds like logically he probably doesn't care that much.

Aside from what's already been mentioned, what kind of tips or advice can you offer someone who is about to marry one of these guys? e.g, how to handle financial decisions, child rearing decisions, SAHM vs. WOHM, responsibilities of social standard (PTA meetings, church gatherings, family reunions, friends circle, etc.)

My stem husband planned and did everything. I literally just showed up. But he is one of those rare STEM people with a strong artistic and organizing streak. Like other DH's if you ask him a question be prepared to lose 2 hours of your life - I keep saying - give me an executive summary please

Ha! This is my electrical engineer DH

[Anonymous]

Married almost 20, but together for 25 years to my comp sci/systems engineer DH. I would have married him after our third date! I'm the romantic, liberal arts dreamer and he's ever-practical and cautious, hence the prolonged dating period. We were solidly a couple for a long, long time and I had to do some decidedly unromantic hint-dropping to prompt him to even think about proposing.

He said then and would say now that he simply was not ready.

Slow and steady. He anchors me!

My DH has always supported me in my dreams to be a SAHM. We bought our first house together soon after we were married and qualified for our mortgage on his salary only, in the hopes that we'd learn to survive on one/his salary only.

We have three DC and I'm still mostly as SAHM.

Still live modestly on his one salary.

DH employer paid 100% of p/t MS program. Slow and steady, again. Took him over four years, but resulted huge raise.

Wonderfully patient and calm, again to my quick-to-anger tendencies. Man of few words, yet outgoing and funny. I'm chatty and even funnier. Handsome. Collegiate athlete.