Low earning husband who does not want to share any housework or parenting duties

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband isn't low-earning at all -- that's a perfectly respectable middle class salary in the DC area. The problems are, as you note, really about communication and respect.

+1 OP's post has a shrew-like quality to it.

[Anonymous]

How's the sex?

[Anonymous]

I'm kind of amazed that you can afford a townhouse in DC at less than 120k annually with 3 kids + biweekly housecleaning and counseling. As well as your husband buying lunch every day.

I call troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm kind of amazed that you can afford a townhouse in DC at less than 120k annually with 3 kids + biweekly housecleaning and counseling. As well as your husband buying lunch every day.

I call troll.

ha! op here. you make my point for me. we can't afford any of it, as I said, and are living paycheck to paycheck at 41.

you see why I find it irresponsible of both of us. but there is only so much change I can effect solo; we will go to counseling, and while I hope we can make substantial changes, at the very least, 18 months, when my youngest is in elementary, i will go back to work full time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Low earning WOHMs are the worst!

How is 40-600 low earning for part time qork? I think that is totally fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He definitely needs to help. But I'm confused. The AMOUNT he makes has nothing to do with it. He doesn't need to clean extra to make up for the fact that his income isn't to your satisfaction when he works full time. If he is doing nothing, that is a HUGE issue. But you work part time and he works full time. It makes more sense for you to be doing more of the housework because you are home to do it. Maybe I'm misunderstanding but it sounds like you want him to do extra because you're upset his income isn't super high. You don't say if it is what it is (which isn't that awful despite what DCUM will make you think) because he doesn't work hard or because of the field he is in.

OP here, I agree with this. I guess I was just saying I would maybe understand more if he made $$$$. I don't know, but I think that those people tend to never be home, so they can't really do much of anything anyway.

I am not asking for him to do 50%. 10%-30% when time allows would make me happy. I am worked to the bone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Low earning WOHMs are the worst!

How is 40-600 low earning for part time qork? I think that is totally fine.

Not in DC and not for OP. She wants a " DC middle class" SAHM life, but her " DC poor" WOHM life sucks for her. At least her husband is making more than her. I do not know why she thinks that he is low earning? Maybe she should work full time and her husband should SAHP. But I do not think that is an option for them either. No sympathies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:actually, my read is that OP would like to work full time, and/or save more money in other ways (moving, brown-bagging lunch, etc) but her husband is not on board with sharing any household or childcare duties at all, so she is stuck both with all the housework/childwork and her regular work, plus not making the money she is making. She is frustrated that he neither respects the work she does at home or will agree to financial goals that she sees are important. Sounds like he is just fine where he is.


Seems to me there are a couple things that would equalize:
they both work full time, they divide childcare in half, more or less, and put a bit more income toward cleaning and they agree on a budget

OR, she continues to work part time, and does proportionally more, but not all, of the home/child care work, and he agrees to cut back in other areas, so that they can meet shared financial goals.

In terms of working part time and having 3 kids,it seems that the fairest thing is that the number of hours spend on child care and housework is tallied up; the part time parent takes on the number of hours worked less than the spouse (10, for example, if s/he works 30 instead of partner's 40 hours), and the remaining hours is divided in half.

so let's say that on a given week, there are 6 hours/day per weekday devoted to child care, meal prep, bedtimes/baths, shopping, bills, etc. That's 30 hours per week. One parent works 10 hours less than the other, so the split would be 20 for the part time parent and 10 for the fulltime parent. So for the fulltime parent, that could be doing one hour every morning (all drop offs), and one hour every evening (all dishes, tidying and making lunches). Of course, the weekends can be a place where instead of dividing 50/50 one parent makes up for doing a lot less during the week by taking on a lot more.

op here, thanks for the response. a lot to think about here.

[Anonymous]

6 pages and I solved this way back in the beginning: you can't be broke and lazy too. Pick one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's killing me..... I feel like I married a guy from a developing country who basically expects the wife to be a servant. I have complained vocally for 2-3 yrs and am at a loss. Considering separation. But then I stop and think, is this better than being divorced? Socially, I suppose so. There seems to be a stigma there.... . But otherwise I just am so miserable working non stop. We tried having a housekeeper, he did even less, and with young kids, there was still tons of work for me. I didn't feel the help was worth what it was costing us on a monthly basis. we scaled back to a light cleanup biweekly. the money still feels really high to me, but I know that little bit of help keeps me sane.

I just don't know how long I can last. It's been 8 yrs. He makes 65k, which covers our mortgage and utilities and groceries. I earn under him, 45-60k but it's variable, and part time so i can pick up kids. My earnings are essentaly everything that go to our savings, our meager disposable income. I have argued for moving further out (we live in the city in a townhouse that is totally out of our budget), me working full time, renting out part of our house... But he refuses to consider any of that, even brown bagging his lunch that I make. We are 41 and have three kids. I feel like a huge fool. BC While there are financial angles to it, at the base it is a communication and respect issue. We tried counseling but our counselor had a suprise health problem early, three sessions in, and we haven't revisited it bc I am running around like a maniac between work, kids, and managing our lives and felt like we couldn't afford it.

I feel like my kids deserve an intact home, but at what cost to me personally? I feel so beat down. any advice if you have been there done that? To anyone who wants to attack or lecture, I don't have time... just wondering if there is any way out short of separation.

OP, your post is breaking my heart because you are me, down to the three kids. I will say, your husband earns way more than mine and I earn a lot more, but the story is still the same. I almost wish we could meet in person because nobody in my circle can relate to what I'm going through. I ponder the same thing: is an intact home for my kids worth the personal cost to me as a human? Sigh... I will post more later after I've had time to read the comments. I just had to send you a hug because I am living your life and I know how hard it is!! Somehow we have to stay strong!!

Wow, thank you for writing this. Just makes a difference, bc there are so many who are quick to judge and not understand. Thanks for the well wishes, and right back at you!!! I just want all of this work to be in service of something good, or even great, but it is so easy to get lost in the exhaustion and lack of appreciation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:6 pages and I solved this way back in the beginning: you can't be broke and lazy too. Pick one.

yes, and it is funny too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You expect to be able to run a separate household on $40k?

no. I would get a full time job and could expect to earn around 85k,possibly higher, but hours go through the roof. I guess I would hire someone to pick the kids up from school.

You don't work full time but expect the housework to be 50/50? You're a twat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Low earning WOHMs are the worst!

How is 40-600 low earning for part time qork? I think that is totally fine.

Not in DC and not for OP. She wants a " DC middle class" SAHM life, but her " DC poor" WOHM life sucks for her. At least her husband is making more than her. I do not know why she thinks that he is low earning? Maybe she should work full time and her husband should SAHP. But I do not think that is an option for them either. No sympathies.

sorry, no time for your bs. I don't want some SAHM life. I want us to have savings and be responsible, which would mean uncomfortable decisions for my husband, based on our combined income, and yes, while we are at it, he needs to do some stuff around the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You expect to be able to run a separate household on $40k?

no. I would get a full time job and could expect to earn around 85k,possibly higher, but hours go through the roof. I guess I would hire someone to pick the kids up from school.

You don't work full time but expect the housework to be 50/50? You're a twat.

nope. it's okay, illiteracy is prominent here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You expect to be able to run a separate household on $40k?

no. I would get a full time job and could expect to earn around 85k,possibly higher, but hours go through the roof. I guess I would hire someone to pick the kids up from school.

You don't work full time but expect the housework to be 50/50? You're a twat.

I work part time but can earn as much as he does. he has a very flexible job, works out during the day, eats lunches out, and comes home at different times depending on his social schedule.