What are some things people do unknowingly that make them seem elitist?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Yes, my husband and I are both highly educated. And yes my parents love O'Reilly and Fox & Friends, and this newer network OAN?

I have told my husband - I didn't want to but he really is my best friend and I just couldn't see keeping something like this from him. He has been really supportive - saying he will try harder during future encounters - although we both agree we have already been trying and we are really at a loss for what is left that we CAN say that would be acceptable to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Writing in Moleskine notebooks?

Does it make it better that I feel guilty about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Writing in Moleskine notebooks?

Does it make it better that I feel guilty about it?

OP here. This PP is not me. And have no clue what a Moleskin notebook is. I'm really NOT an elitist, I swear! I shop at Walmart and eat Chickfila - really I do! (Not that it should matter to my mom either way - which is sort of my point.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my husband did not grow up wealthy, but his family had more money than we did and his parents are retired quite comfortably.

We have a nice house by DC standards, but its a pretty regular house by normal standards. Other than the fact that we like to travel and we rented out our previous house instead of selling it, I feel like we are pretty normal.

My mom said that my husband places too much value on financial security. What does THAT mean?

Your mom thinks he is saving too much money and not spending enough on you and the kids. She might also think he works too many hours.

Maybe that he is not spending money on things she thinks are normal, like getting the biggest cable package or having a zillion toys. I make DD's birthday cakes and my in-laws think I'm cheap for not buying a Harris Teeter cake. But it's just a cultural difference-- my mom always made homemade cakes for me and I think it's a nice tradition.

Are your inlaws from a low SES?

They are nouveau middle class-- thrilled to be able to afford the finer things in life such as five enormous TVs. And I am happy for them, really-- they are good people and have worked hard for their secure retirement. They're very active in volunteering, as well as contributing to college funds for their many grandkids. We have two kids in daycare, and law school loans, so we have much less to spend, and what we do have, we spend differently. I am more like my parents-- piano lessons, camping trips, not so much with the video games, having fewer toys and possessions generally.

My in-laws sound exactly like yours and my family and I are exactly like you and your family. Lee's be friends!

It's not bad really-- they are fine as in-laws and absolutely stellar grandparents. I wish I could show you the Halloween extravaganza my MIL put on for the grandkids. I don't like all the princess crap they buy DD, but the are completely sincere about it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you need to concentrate less on your DH pleasing your parents, and more on accepting that that's not possible. You need to learn how to be ok with your mother NOT being ok. It's really her problem to deal with. Be loving, kind and as open as you can be without getting rebuked. After that, if your mother has complaints, that's on HER. It's not on you, or your DH and doesn't mean you need to do things differently to please her.

The next time your mother brings up how much she doesn't like your DH, don't listen to it. "Mom, he's my husband, I won't allow you to talk about him like that.". If she continues "Mom, can we talk about something else?" and if not "Mom, we can talk when you're feeling less upset, bye now".

You don't need to prove to your mother that you and your DH are not elitist. You need to be ok with not having her approval.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I can't get anything done all day.. I drop the kids at school at 9 and pick up at 3, by the time I go to the gym, shower and go to Whole Foods, it is 3:00 and I can't get anything done in the house"

"It is so annoying how people can't volunteer in their own kids classroom. I mean how hard it is it to get 3 hours a few times a month, why even have children."

"Our Lexus is really the same cost as a Camry after you figure everything out... total cost of ownership, etc"

"I had the hardest day, first of all I didn't have time to work out and I was volunteering, but I could not find bright pink cardboard paper, I literally went to 7 different stores, in the end I got light pink and fushia but I know Larla is going to throw a fit."

"We only belong to the country club for business reasons, his boss requires we have a membership."

Thanks for giving me a heads up that I am elitist because I've said almost everything on this list many times. Crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People can be funny with what they think is elitist.

My DH and I are a lot less into conspicuous consumption than my in-laws (who live in a less expensive part of the country) and they think it is elitist that we don't buy a lot of stuff: plastic toys and gee gaws for the kids, and this type of thing.

I also like to send the .99 cent cards from Hallmark, and my MIL likes to send the huge ones that cost about $4.99. She thinks I am being elitist by putting $ and practicality over family and sentiment.

I said we don't need any more sets of bed sheets, thanks anyway, b/c we have a small linen closet and limited storage in our townhouse and she thought that was elitist to try to live simply and keep things pared down.

YES! My parents are the same way. They live in a less expensive part of the country. They mock me all the time for not having a cable subscription, listening to NPR instead of their subscription satellite radio, and limit the amount of toys we give the children. Plus, we have no problems buying things secondhand, especially since I'm a lawyer turned SAHM by choice.

I am too lazy to drive to the suburbs to get Hallmark cards though as personalized photo cards are around $1.50 and they mail them for you.

I guess this makes me an asshole. Oh well, at least I'm happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you need to concentrate less on your DH pleasing your parents, and more on accepting that that's not possible. You need to learn how to be ok with your mother NOT being ok. It's really her problem to deal with. Be loving, kind and as open as you can be without getting rebuked. After that, if your mother has complaints, that's on HER. It's not on you, or your DH and doesn't mean you need to do things differently to please her.

The next time your mother brings up how much she doesn't like your DH, don't listen to it. "Mom, he's my husband, I won't allow you to talk about him like that.". If she continues "Mom, can we talk about something else?" and if not "Mom, we can talk when you're feeling less upset, bye now".

You don't need to prove to your mother that you and your DH are not elitist. You need to be ok with not having her approval.

OP here. I agree with this. I just have no clue how to go about this.

[Anonymous]

Op we have the same problem. My parents hate my husband for being elitist. I see where they are coming from as neither of them was college educated and this is a major source of embarrassment for them. My Husband and I met at a top law school and they can see how much I've changed. I just have learned to not care. It sucks but that's the only way I've been able to handle it. Sometimes my husband feels bad about their relationship, but we can't control the feelings of other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op we have the same problem. My parents hate my husband for being elitist. I see where they are coming from as neither of them was college educated and this is a major source of embarrassment for them. My Husband and I met at a top law school and they can see how much I've changed. I just have learned to not care. It sucks but that's the only way I've been able to handle it. Sometimes my husband feels bad about their relationship, but we can't control the feelings of other people.

+1

One would think our parents, grandparents, etc would be thrilled to see the next generation doing better than the previous-- not everyone staying in the same place education/success-wise. If I were just like my grandparents, let's say, I would never have gone to college, never have left their rundown polluted neighborhood, never have owned property on my own, never earned a good salary. It would be embarrassing if rather than be proud of me and my cousins, they were scornful and used our education and success against us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op we have the same problem. My parents hate my husband for being elitist. I see where they are coming from as neither of them was college educated and this is a major source of embarrassment for them. My Husband and I met at a top law school and they can see how much I've changed. I just have learned to not care. It sucks but that's the only way I've been able to handle it. Sometimes my husband feels bad about their relationship, but we can't control the feelings of other people.

+1

One would think our parents, grandparents, etc would be thrilled to see the next generation doing better than the previous-- not everyone staying in the same place education/success-wise. If I were just like my grandparents, let's say, I would never have gone to college, never have left their rundown polluted neighborhood, never have owned property on my own, never earned a good salary. It would be embarrassing if rather than be proud of me and my cousins, they were scornful and used our education and success against us.

One would think that those who raised you, those who gave you the values and opportunities that enabled your success wouldn't be subject to the obvious scorn, disapproval and embarrassment that is shown to them.

[Anonymous]

Pony clubbing and fox hunting.... thanks to the nuts on that old thread about elitist in laws, I learned that pony clubbing is not clubbing an innocent pony but being indoctrinated at age 4 to secret equestrian language and skillz

[Anonymous]

When I told them iceberg lettuce has no nutritional value I was outed as an elitist. Or maybe it was the time I asked them to eat sushi with me. Or maybe when I asked her not to smoke in my car while driving my children.
Hard to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you need to concentrate less on your DH pleasing your parents, and more on accepting that that's not possible. You need to learn how to be ok with your mother NOT being ok. It's really her problem to deal with. Be loving, kind and as open as you can be without getting rebuked. After that, if your mother has complaints, that's on HER. It's not on you, or your DH and doesn't mean you need to do things differently to please her.

The next time your mother brings up how much she doesn't like your DH, don't listen to it. "Mom, he's my husband, I won't allow you to talk about him like that.". If she continues "Mom, can we talk about something else?" and if not "Mom, we can talk when you're feeling less upset, bye now".

You don't need to prove to your mother that you and your DH are not elitist. You need to be ok with not having her approval.

OP here. I agree with this. I just have no clue how to go about this.

Baby steps. Or if it's really affecting you - therapy.
Reminds me of my ILs family - after a few years I figured MIL just disapproves whomever her children marry. In general. Whoever that happens to be. More money/education, same, or less. She has 4 children, doesn't like any of their spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you need to concentrate less on your DH pleasing your parents, and more on accepting that that's not possible. You need to learn how to be ok with your mother NOT being ok. It's really her problem to deal with. Be loving, kind and as open as you can be without getting rebuked. After that, if your mother has complaints, that's on HER. It's not on you, or your DH and doesn't mean you need to do things differently to please her.

The next time your mother brings up how much she doesn't like your DH, don't listen to it. "Mom, he's my husband, I won't allow you to talk about him like that.". If she continues "Mom, can we talk about something else?" and if not "Mom, we can talk when you're feeling less upset, bye now".

You don't need to prove to your mother that you and your DH are not elitist. You need to be ok with not having her approval.

OP here. I agree with this. I just have no clue how to go about this.

Baby steps. Or if it's really affecting you - therapy.
Reminds me of my ILs family - after a few years I figured MIL just disapproves whomever her children marry. In general. Whoever that happens to be. More money/education, same, or less. She has 4 children, doesn't like any of their spouses.

THIS. PP, I would imagine it is even "more difficult" for MIL to "like" any *women* who married into the family. Which is so much more telling about MIL than it is about the woman, KWIM? My MIL is very similar. She prides herself on telling anyone who will listen that she "just doesn't like me". As if 1.) I ever did anything to her, but be perfectly civil and kind and 2.) I like her (She is anything *but* kind, so I don't like her - but I also don't go around telling people so, thank you very much).

Some women (including MILs) just don't like other women.