What are some things people do unknowingly that make them seem elitist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my husband did not grow up wealthy, but his family had more money than we did and his parents are retired quite comfortably.

We have a nice house by DC standards, but its a pretty regular house by normal standards. Other than the fact that we like to travel and we rented out our previous house instead of selling it, I feel like we are pretty normal.

My mom said that my husband places too much value on financial security. What does THAT mean?

Your mom thinks he is saving too much money and not spending enough on you and the kids. She might also think he works too many hours.

Maybe that he is not spending money on things she thinks are normal, like getting the biggest cable package or having a zillion toys. I make DD's birthday cakes and my in-laws think I'm cheap for not buying a Harris Teeter cake. But it's just a cultural difference-- my mom always made homemade cakes for me and I think it's a nice tradition.

Are your inlaws from a low SES?

[Anonymous]

I am a DW here who and my inlaws may think this about me. The ironic thing is they have much more money than my family or origin.

In my case, it's because I am more nerdy/intellectual/well-traveld then they are. For example they all love visiting las vegas and cruising. I have been with them always say thank you many times and send thank you gift, but when I travel on I never choose cruising and I think they notice that. In conversations, I try to focus on them and what is going on in their life, but when I find myself talking about myself, it just seems like my interests and hobbies are not similar.

Having said that I love my in-laws but just don't 'click' with them on some levels.

[Anonymous]

buy a range rover and an escalade and then complain about how they have no money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing in particular that I think makes a person seem elitist is to talk down to or treat a service worker poorly. It could be a housekeeper, a waiter, or the guy who mows your lawn. I've seen some people show some really bad behavior towards someone who is working hard for them.

This! There was a Mom I really liked, hung out, etc., than I saw the way she treated staff in restaurants and having been a waitress myself (college days) lost a lot of respect for her. She was so nice and kind except on restaurants. Bizarre.

[Anonymous]

OP - do you correct their pronunciation? I once had (toxic, got rid of her) an annoying friend who always repeated back the word in the way SHE pronounced it (usually British with the accent on the first syllable) - not necessarily correct - just her way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Food allergies are definitely a thing. I have a shellfish allergy, which you wouldn't think would be a big issue in the Midwest but oyster stew is part of my in-laws' traditional Christmas dinner. My MIL didn't believe me the first time and slipped an oyster in my pasta. She was sorry when I projectile vomited all over her bathroom.

I would never eat in her house or trust her again. She's awful.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my husband did not grow up wealthy, but his family had more money than we did and his parents are retired quite comfortably.

We have a nice house by DC standards, but its a pretty regular house by normal standards. Other than the fact that we like to travel and we rented out our previous house instead of selling it, I feel like we are pretty normal.

My mom said that my husband places too much value on financial security. What does THAT mean?

Your mom thinks he is saving too much money and not spending enough on you and the kids. She might also think he works too many hours.

Maybe that he is not spending money on things she thinks are normal, like getting the biggest cable package or having a zillion toys. I make DD's birthday cakes and my in-laws think I'm cheap for not buying a Harris Teeter cake. But it's just a cultural difference-- my mom always made homemade cakes for me and I think it's a nice tradition.

Are your inlaws from a low SES?

They are nouveau middle class-- thrilled to be able to afford the finer things in life such as five enormous TVs. And I am happy for them, really-- they are good people and have worked hard for their secure retirement. They're very active in volunteering, as well as contributing to college funds for their many grandkids. We have two kids in daycare, and law school loans, so we have much less to spend, and what we do have, we spend differently. I am more like my parents-- piano lessons, camping trips, not so much with the video games, having fewer toys and possessions generally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family of origin has basically told me that they don't like my husband (of 10 years) because he is elitist and that I have changed too. We have grown more and more distant over the years. When I ask them for examples of how we are elitist, they can't seem to give any. SO, DCUM in your infinite wisdom, what am I probably doing that seems elitist to them, but isn't immediately obvious to me? FWIW, we are not wealthy by DCUM standards. I am well aware that I am far too politically liberal for my family's taste, but I am already aware of that and careful not to discuss it with them, even though they have no issue spouting their political views to me. What could be some non-political things we could be doing??

OK... well... you managed to be condescending to both DCUM and your family in this post so maybe your just an ass to them.

[Anonymous]

Our family was really offended that we sent our kids to private school. They took it personally that "we thought we were too good for public school." Our child actually had a learning disability that we weren't about to share with the, so instead we let them think that we were simply horrible snobs.

Now our kids go to private colleges which is also seen as a sign that we think we're too good for State U.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend that I call an elitist because she looks down on anyone that eats in a chain restaurant. So annoying!! Why am I trash because I like a particular restaurants biscuits??

OMG, if you are talking about Cracker Barrel? SO WITH YOU!

[Anonymous]

Looking down on women who want to have children in their 20's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our family was really offended that we sent our kids to private school. They took it personally that "we thought we were too good for public school." Our child actually had a learning disability that we weren't about to share with the, so instead we let them think that we were simply horrible snobs.

Now our kids go to private colleges which is also seen as a sign that we think we're too good for State U.

My family is like this too. I mean, "who do we think we are" sending our children to private school with the rich people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do think my family thinks we don't spend enough on ourselves (like making fun of my ikea curtains) yet they also think its normal to not be able to pay your CC balance each month. My mother will announce each year (usually in March or April) that she "finally paid off Christmas!!"

My poor husband I'm afraid is never going to win with them. He is not going to trade NPR for Fox News. I think he's really good about not bringing up politics. The issue is that they bring it up - and we just say nothing rather than vehemently agree.

Everything you've said included the bolded part above make me think it's because you don't live like they do, you've made different choices, you have accumulated more wealth than they have and they feel threatened by this and jealous. I don't know if there's an answer to this, other than showing an interest in their lives and asking questions rather than talking about yourselves, which is too bad because you should be able to be yourself around family!

OP here. This is what really bothers me. Also, most of my mom's most recent complaints were pretty cruel about my husband (but only spoken privately to me) basically saying that he acts like he is smarter than them and they don't like spending any time with him. I'm not saying my husband is perfect by any stretch, but he is inherently a good person and he is my best friend. My mom's words were extremely extremely hurtful to me. When I told her that, she basically said that she could "suffer silently" no longer and she had to tell me. So NOW what?

I think you do a few things, OP.

1) Go back to your Mom and tell her that you thought about what she said, and that the deal is is that you love your husband just the way he is, that as you said above "he is inherently a good person and he is my best friend" and that you're not going to listen to her complain about him any more. DH cares about them, is not trying to show off, does the best he can towards his ILs. She needs to find a way to deal if she wants to see you on a regular basis. If/when she tries to complain to you about DH again, end the conversation.

2) Depending on her reaction, back off on visits. "Mom, I'm not spending time with someone who complains about my husband. He's a great person, so until you get your act together, we are just not going to see you as much."

3) Visit without DH here and there. There's no need for him to waste valuable free time with people who complain about him.

What does your DH say, btw? How much have you told him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do think my family thinks we don't spend enough on ourselves (like making fun of my ikea curtains) yet they also think its normal to not be able to pay your CC balance each month. My mother will announce each year (usually in March or April) that she "finally paid off Christmas!!"

My poor husband I'm afraid is never going to win with them. He is not going to trade NPR for Fox News. I think he's really good about not bringing up politics. The issue is that they bring it up - and we just say nothing rather than vehemently agree.

Yes, you're never going to win. Just accept that it's their problem, not yours, and keep disengaging.

Are you and your husband highly educated? My elderly parents have become obsessed with FOX (O'Reilly is basically the second coming of Christ) and believe that anyone with a college education is brainwashed by communists (yes, of course schools tend to be more liberal but I don't recall any profs trying to jam a certain philosophy down my throat). If there is an educational difference, then as others have suggested, it's probably an insecurity issue. Easier to attack other people and admonish them for having what you don't have rather than look at yourself and question your own not-so-great choices. As I said, my parents bash colleges now but in the end, they need to own their choices rather than lash out at people who did well for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my husband did not grow up wealthy, but his family had more money than we did and his parents are retired quite comfortably.

We have a nice house by DC standards, but its a pretty regular house by normal standards. Other than the fact that we like to travel and we rented out our previous house instead of selling it, I feel like we are pretty normal.

My mom said that my husband places too much value on financial security. What does THAT mean?

Your mom thinks he is saving too much money and not spending enough on you and the kids. She might also think he works too many hours.

Maybe that he is not spending money on things she thinks are normal, like getting the biggest cable package or having a zillion toys. I make DD's birthday cakes and my in-laws think I'm cheap for not buying a Harris Teeter cake. But it's just a cultural difference-- my mom always made homemade cakes for me and I think it's a nice tradition.

Are your inlaws from a low SES?

They are nouveau middle class-- thrilled to be able to afford the finer things in life such as five enormous TVs. And I am happy for them, really-- they are good people and have worked hard for their secure retirement. They're very active in volunteering, as well as contributing to college funds for their many grandkids. We have two kids in daycare, and law school loans, so we have much less to spend, and what we do have, we spend differently. I am more like my parents-- piano lessons, camping trips, not so much with the video games, having fewer toys and possessions generally.

My in-laws sound exactly like yours and my family and I are exactly like you and your family. Lee's be friends!