What are some things people do unknowingly that make them seem elitist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Food allergies are definitely a thing. I have a shellfish allergy, which you wouldn't think would be a big issue in the Midwest but oyster stew is part of my in-laws' traditional Christmas dinner. My MIL didn't believe me the first time and slipped an oyster in my pasta. She was sorry when I projectile vomited all over her bathroom.

I'm sorry that people with real allergies are the victim of the many cheaters out there who claim allergies when they are dislikes. Those who claim an allergy when they don't have one create the impression that the majority or people claiming allergies are fakes and make it much more dangerous than those with actual allergies. There are many people who obnoxiously feel that it is their job to rout out the fakes and constantly test those who claim allergies. I am usually careful to explain which are dislikes and which are allergies for my family, but we've still had instances when someone has decided to test my wife with poor results.

There will also be bad karma coming back to bite those who falsely claim allergies when they don't have them.

[Anonymous]

My MIL sometimes accuses me and my DH of being "too good" for them. It all stems from insecurity. My DH's sister is dependent on them to live (she's 42) and we are 100% independent of them. That drives my MIL NUTS. She routinely gets annoyed that we don't make the same shitty financial choices she makes, and that she tells my SIL to make. In the same breath she will get all teary and want to cry because she's desperate to retire and can't.

The thing is, it's pretty hard to convince her otherwise. If she can't trust that we don't think we are better than them, that's on her. We are loving and kind and involved in the family. We are just not dependent on them to live our daily lives. To her, that is the real issue.

She's part jealous, part insecure and part immature.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I do think my family thinks we don't spend enough on ourselves (like making fun of my ikea curtains) yet they also think its normal to not be able to pay your CC balance each month. My mother will announce each year (usually in March or April) that she "finally paid off Christmas!!"

My poor husband I'm afraid is never going to win with them. He is not going to trade NPR for Fox News. I think he's really good about not bringing up politics. The issue is that they bring it up - and we just say nothing rather than vehemently agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do think my family thinks we don't spend enough on ourselves (like making fun of my ikea curtains) yet they also think its normal to not be able to pay your CC balance each month. My mother will announce each year (usually in March or April) that she "finally paid off Christmas!!"

My poor husband I'm afraid is never going to win with them. He is not going to trade NPR for Fox News. I think he's really good about not bringing up politics. The issue is that they bring it up - and we just say nothing rather than vehemently agree.

Yes, you're never going to win. Just accept that it's their problem, not yours, and keep disengaging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do think my family thinks we don't spend enough on ourselves (like making fun of my ikea curtains) yet they also think its normal to not be able to pay your CC balance each month. My mother will announce each year (usually in March or April) that she "finally paid off Christmas!!"

My poor husband I'm afraid is never going to win with them. He is not going to trade NPR for Fox News. I think he's really good about not bringing up politics. The issue is that they bring it up - and we just say nothing rather than vehemently agree.

Yup, that is my MIL too. But if we suggest we scale down Xmas and maybe not give so many gifts, she gets really annoyed. So we scale down what we give and try to encourage her to not spend so much on us.

What's funny is, my MIL and I agree on most politics. I still don't want to talk to her about it because she gets SO riled up and starts essentially yelling at the table. Hello! We are all democrats! Relax! It's really annoying. So I normally just say "uh huh" and change the subject. It wouldn't surprise me if she thinks I'm a republican since I don't jump in and get all pissed off. Why are you pissed?! No one is debating you...

[Anonymous]

Given your media choices, it sounds not worth trying to solve, honestly. They don't have a leg to stand on for their assessment of you and they know it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do think my family thinks we don't spend enough on ourselves (like making fun of my ikea curtains) yet they also think its normal to not be able to pay your CC balance each month. My mother will announce each year (usually in March or April) that she "finally paid off Christmas!!"

My poor husband I'm afraid is never going to win with them. He is not going to trade NPR for Fox News. I think he's really good about not bringing up politics. The issue is that they bring it up - and we just say nothing rather than vehemently agree.

Might want to try something different here. Like just say that you disagree but don't want to talk about it, instead of saying nothing, which can be read all kinds of wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend that I call an elitist because she looks down on anyone that eats in a chain restaurant. So annoying!! Why am I trash because I like a particular restaurants biscuits??

Mmmm Red Lobster cheddar biscuits...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend that I call an elitist because she looks down on anyone that eats in a chain restaurant. So annoying!! Why am I trash because I like a particular restaurants biscuits??

Mmmm Red Lobster cheddar biscuits...

+1. I love, love, love them. I also adore MIL's cheesy potato bake-- it's frozen hash browns, cream soup, and cheese in a casserole pan. I ate all of it and had more for breakfast the next day, and now they don't call me elitist they just call me greedy.

[Anonymous]

DW's sister thinks we're elitist because we have a nanny and people to clean our house. She's from Eastern Europe, and there mothers get 2 years paid maternity leave, then a free space in a government-run daycare. They spend their Saturdays cleaning the house, the entire family.

We don't wave that in their face, but they saw it when they visited since the nanny was here. I think they don't understand the value of time that well. It's common for people to meet up to hand over some small item like a signed paper or book, instead of using the postal service where it will arrive the next day anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend that I call an elitist because she looks down on anyone that eats in a chain restaurant. So annoying!! Why am I trash because I like a particular restaurants biscuits??

Mmmm Red Lobster cheddar biscuits...

PP here. EXACTLY..LOL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do think my family thinks we don't spend enough on ourselves (like making fun of my ikea curtains) yet they also think its normal to not be able to pay your CC balance each month. My mother will announce each year (usually in March or April) that she "finally paid off Christmas!!"

My poor husband I'm afraid is never going to win with them. He is not going to trade NPR for Fox News. I think he's really good about not bringing up politics. The issue is that they bring it up - and we just say nothing rather than vehemently agree.

Everything you've said included the bolded part above make me think it's because you don't live like they do, you've made different choices, you have accumulated more wealth than they have and they feel threatened by this and jealous. I don't know if there's an answer to this, other than showing an interest in their lives and asking questions rather than talking about yourselves, which is too bad because you should be able to be yourself around family!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do think my family thinks we don't spend enough on ourselves (like making fun of my ikea curtains) yet they also think its normal to not be able to pay your CC balance each month. My mother will announce each year (usually in March or April) that she "finally paid off Christmas!!"

My poor husband I'm afraid is never going to win with them. He is not going to trade NPR for Fox News. I think he's really good about not bringing up politics. The issue is that they bring it up - and we just say nothing rather than vehemently agree.

Everything you've said included the bolded part above make me think it's because you don't live like they do, you've made different choices, you have accumulated more wealth than they have and they feel threatened by this and jealous. I don't know if there's an answer to this, other than showing an interest in their lives and asking questions rather than talking about yourselves, which is too bad because you should be able to be yourself around family!

OP here. This is what really bothers me. Also, most of my mom's most recent complaints were pretty cruel about my husband (but only spoken privately to me) basically saying that he acts like he is smarter than them and they don't like spending any time with him. I'm not saying my husband is perfect by any stretch, but he is inherently a good person and he is my best friend. My mom's words were extremely extremely hurtful to me. When I told her that, she basically said that she could "suffer silently" no longer and she had to tell me. So NOW what?

[Anonymous]

Is he into a sport that requires either travel, lots of equipment or effort? Stuff like scuba, sailing, windserfing, tennis? Or even marathon running

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he into a sport that requires either travel, lots of equipment or effort? Stuff like scuba, sailing, windserfing, tennis? Or even marathon running

No, neither of us has hobbies like that. Our kids are young and we have a house and yard and our hands are full. We do have a house cleaner every few weeks but do all of our own yard work. Kids in public, no country club, etc.

It is really painful to me, even as an adult, to feel the sting of parental disapproval. You'd think it wouldn't hurt so much anymore. Makes me want different for my own kids.