Young daughter pregnant

[Anonymous]

What an opportunity God has given you to reach out and have the relationship with your daughter that would have allowed her to 1) have you meet this important man in her life and 2) share with you the exciting plan to start a family.

Congrats, grandpa! Rejoice.

[Anonymous]

She purposely made a baby with a man she wasn't married to who has a conservative Indian family and doesn't want them to know about the baby? What was HE planning while she was planning to get pregnant cause it doesn't sound like they are on the same page.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She purposely made a baby with a man she wasn't married to who has a conservative Indian family and doesn't want them to know about the baby? What was HE planning while she was planning to get pregnant cause it doesn't sound like they are on the same page.

Op made it clear he wants to marry and then tell his parents.

[Anonymous]

OP - I had read a great deal of this thread, but must have missed the listing that said your daughter's BF is Indian and does not want to tell his family. I will say I have heard that Indian families can be very strict about who a son or daughter marry and had the experience of a good friend -NEVER being accepted by the family who remained allt the way over in India. Even when he died unexpectedly, the family went after his estate countering his wife who had been married to him for over 20 years. Come to think of it a lovely, professional friend of my daughter's who is in her late 30s is being strung along by an Indian fellow who again feels the pressure to marry within his ethnic group and she is foreign national herself originally so not a white American.

Given this background, your daughter may need your love and emotional support even more. I think I would encourage her to take her time as far as jumping into a marriage with BF. It would be baseline for me to hear that he has told his parents about the relationship with news of an engagement and the expected baby FIRST. THEN see how he reacts to their reaction. To be dumped when single and pregnant is one thing, but then to have to go through the emotional upheaval of a divorce, too. I would get advice on what to say to her as far as ensuring that the legal rights of the child for future support are protected.

Again as posters note, your daughter is not a child, has a solid education behind her and a job offer which she needs to follow through and accept. Encourage her to follow through on her relationship with BF, but also to take her time in making any permanent decisions. BF is the one who seems to be as immature and secretive for whatever reasons as your daughter so both of them together or alone need to figure out their extended family relationship as it may impact on their relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm meeting her boyfriend to talk about things this weekend. This has all been a shock because I didn't even know she had a boyfriend. She's been keeping everything a secret. Apparently she's 4 months along already. I'm worried because she has dated abusive men in past relationships. This entire time she's been saying she's single. She didn't expose all of this until I mentioned I was thinking about visiting her in Chicago.

It seems to me that all I can really do is let her know how worried I am about her. There's a lot of question marks right now as I don't even know her boyfriend

Why on earth are you meeting with her boyfriend about anything? This is none of your business, OP. Your daughter has told you as much by choosing to keep her life a secret from you, which, by the way, is entirely within her rights as she is an adult and doesn't need your approval about any of her choices.

If you want to have a meaningful role in her life, you will need to mind your business and *ask* her if she needs any support from you and if she says yes, find out what support and decide for yourself if you are able to provide it.

WOW!!! seriously? you think that it is non of his business?? It is not uncommon or unreasonable for the boyfriend to meet his girlfriends parents. Keep in mind all of you that get SOOOO upset with MIL and FIL on this forum. Also keep in mind all of you that get SOOO upset because you didn't consider the impact that mismatched family backgrounds have had on your own marriages. The OP has correctly identified that there is a cultural mismatch between his daughter and her boyfriend. The daughter could very well be making a big mistake. Most couples who are not ashamed in some way of their relationship WANT to introduce their partner to their families and friends. When they have underlying reservations about the situation they tend to hide things. All you people need to get off your high-horses.

Work on that reading comprehension, PP. Yes, I said it is none of OP's business what his daughter is choosing to do. She is an adult and has chosen to keep aspects of her life from her father, which should clue him in her decisions are not his business. Therefore, his meeting with the boyfriend to discuss anything outside of anything specifically requested by his DD is out of bounds. He doesn't own her. She is an adult.

This doesn't mean they can't meet. Yes, it is common to meet the parents. But when he meets the boyfriend, he should not be meeting to discuss anything on his agenda. He should get to know the person his daughter chose and support them on their future adult plans. The cultural mismatch is all in OPs head and his opinion on her making mistakes means nothing if she has not asked him for help. According to him, she hasn't. SO clearly, he is making something his business that isn't.

As for your other nonsense about MIL/FIL issues here, you are merely proving my point. These issues, nine times out of ten (read the threads) have to do with some MIL/FIL not minding their business and respecting their adult children's choices and families.

If you think there is no baseline mismatch between American culture and Indian culture you are delusional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be a good Christian. Be a strong man. Offer unconditional love to your daughter. Show her strength of character. I know you can do it, and your relationship with her will be stronger for it.

Loving unconditionally doesn't mean supporting bad decisions. They way these children have gone about things has all the earmarks of bad decision making.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be a good Christian. Be a strong man. Offer unconditional love to your daughter. Show her strength of character. I know you can do it, and your relationship with her will be stronger for it.

Loving unconditionally doesn't mean supporting bad decisions. They way these children have gone about things has all the earmarks of bad decision making.

+1 exactly! you can love a family member that is an alcoholic but that doesn't mean enabling them to continue the behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm meeting her boyfriend to talk about things this weekend. This has all been a shock because I didn't even know she had a boyfriend. She's been keeping everything a secret. Apparently she's 4 months along already. I'm worried because she has dated abusive men in past relationships. This entire time she's been saying she's single. She didn't expose all of this until I mentioned I was thinking about visiting her in Chicago.

It seems to me that all I can really do is let her know how worried I am about her. There's a lot of question marks right now as I don't even know her boyfriend

Why on earth are you meeting with her boyfriend about anything? This is none of your business, OP. Your daughter has told you as much by choosing to keep her life a secret from you, which, by the way, is entirely within her rights as she is an adult and doesn't need your approval about any of her choices.

If you want to have a meaningful role in her life, you will need to mind your business and *ask* her if she needs any support from you and if she says yes, find out what support and decide for yourself if you are able to provide it.

WOW!!! seriously? you think that it is non of his business?? It is not uncommon or unreasonable for the boyfriend to meet his girlfriends parents. Keep in mind all of you that get SOOOO upset with MIL and FIL on this forum. Also keep in mind all of you that get SOOO upset because you didn't consider the impact that mismatched family backgrounds have had on your own marriages. The OP has correctly identified that there is a cultural mismatch between his daughter and her boyfriend. The daughter could very well be making a big mistake. Most couples who are not ashamed in some way of their relationship WANT to introduce their partner to their families and friends. When they have underlying reservations about the situation they tend to hide things. All you people need to get off your high-horses.

Work on that reading comprehension, PP. Yes, I said it is none of OP's business what his daughter is choosing to do. She is an adult and has chosen to keep aspects of her life from her father, which should clue him in her decisions are not his business. Therefore, his meeting with the boyfriend to discuss anything outside of anything specifically requested by his DD is out of bounds. He doesn't own her. She is an adult.

This doesn't mean they can't meet. Yes, it is common to meet the parents. But when he meets the boyfriend, he should not be meeting to discuss anything on his agenda. He should get to know the person his daughter chose and support them on their future adult plans. The cultural mismatch is all in OPs head and his opinion on her making mistakes means nothing if she has not asked him for help. According to him, she hasn't. SO clearly, he is making something his business that isn't.

As for your other nonsense about MIL/FIL issues here, you are merely proving my point. These issues, nine times out of ten (read the threads) have to do with some MIL/FIL not minding their business and respecting their adult children's choices and families.

If you think there is no baseline mismatch between American culture and Indian culture you are delusional.

This mismatch of which you speak is immaterial here. OP's adult daughter is still an adult and can make her own choices. Her choices are still not OP's business unless she makes them his business. She has not. She didn't even share with OP that she had a boyfriend and was pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be a good Christian. Be a strong man. Offer unconditional love to your daughter. Show her strength of character. I know you can do it, and your relationship with her will be stronger for it.

Loving unconditionally doesn't mean supporting bad decisions. They way these children have gone about things has all the earmarks of bad decision making.

+1 exactly! you can love a family member that is an alcoholic but that doesn't mean enabling them to continue the behavior.

Where did I say anything about supporting bad decisions or enabling her? I said offer unconditional love. Don't withhold love out of judgment of her actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am crushed and ashamed that my 23 y/o daughter is pregnant. My young, unmarried, "from a Christian home" daughter is pregnant. This is just the worst thing that could have happened. Her mother died when she was young, and I feel like this is all my fault. She's been with her foreign boyfriend for a year and I've met him zero times. My daughter just finished grad school and was supposed to start teaching this fall. Her boyfriend has a nice career. They want to marry. I'm shocked my daughter admitted to planning to have the baby.

Good Lord, I thought she was 13 by the title of your post. I have a 24 yo DD too, and while her and her BF (of 3 years) came to us and said she was pregnant, I wouldn't LOVE it, but both of our DD's are adults and make their own decisions. And guess what? It's NOT the worst thing that could have happened, you'd better man up fast Pops

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you upset that he is foreign and the baby might be dark?

I'm upset that the guy maybe using her for citizenship.

They don't need a baby for that, moron

[Anonymous]

I haven't read the entire thread, but has anyone mentioned that OP's posting sounds made up? I find it very hard to believe that anyone who reads this board would post this. I am certain there are people who would feel the way this guy does. However, those people aren't on this board or they know enough not to post something like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She purposely made a baby with a man she wasn't married to who has a conservative Indian family and doesn't want them to know about the baby? What was HE planning while she was planning to get pregnant cause it doesn't sound like they are on the same page.

Op made it clear he wants to marry and then tell his parents.

Sounded like he wanted to get married and then tell the parents BECAUSE she got pregnant. Sounded like SHE planned it but the OP didn't explicitly indicate that this was also his initial plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm meeting her boyfriend to talk about things this weekend. This has all been a shock because I didn't even know she had a boyfriend. She's been keeping everything a secret. Apparently she's 4 months along already. I'm worried because she has dated abusive men in past relationships. This entire time she's been saying she's single. She didn't expose all of this until I mentioned I was thinking about visiting her in Chicago.

It seems to me that all I can really do is let her know how worried I am about her. There's a lot of question marks right now as I don't even know her boyfriend

Why on earth are you meeting with her boyfriend about anything? This is none of your business, OP. Your daughter has told you as much by choosing to keep her life a secret from you, which, by the way, is entirely within her rights as she is an adult and doesn't need your approval about any of her choices.

If you want to have a meaningful role in her life, you will need to mind your business and *ask* her if she needs any support from you and if she says yes, find out what support and decide for yourself if you are able to provide it.

WOW!!! seriously? you think that it is non of his business?? It is not uncommon or unreasonable for the boyfriend to meet his girlfriends parents. Keep in mind all of you that get SOOOO upset with MIL and FIL on this forum. Also keep in mind all of you that get SOOO upset because you didn't consider the impact that mismatched family backgrounds have had on your own marriages. The OP has correctly identified that there is a cultural mismatch between his daughter and her boyfriend. The daughter could very well be making a big mistake. Most couples who are not ashamed in some way of their relationship WANT to introduce their partner to their families and friends. When they have underlying reservations about the situation they tend to hide things. All you people need to get off your high-horses.

Work on that reading comprehension, PP. Yes, I said it is none of OP's business what his daughter is choosing to do. She is an adult and has chosen to keep aspects of her life from her father, which should clue him in her decisions are not his business. Therefore, his meeting with the boyfriend to discuss anything outside of anything specifically requested by his DD is out of bounds. He doesn't own her. She is an adult.

This doesn't mean they can't meet. Yes, it is common to meet the parents. But when he meets the boyfriend, he should not be meeting to discuss anything on his agenda. He should get to know the person his daughter chose and support them on their future adult plans. The cultural mismatch is all in OPs head and his opinion on her making mistakes means nothing if she has not asked him for help. According to him, she hasn't. SO clearly, he is making something his business that isn't.

As for your other nonsense about MIL/FIL issues here, you are merely proving my point. These issues, nine times out of ten (read the threads) have to do with some MIL/FIL not minding their business and respecting their adult children's choices and families.

If you think there is no baseline mismatch between American culture and Indian culture you are delusional.

This mismatch of which you speak is immaterial here. OP's adult daughter is still an adult and can make her own choices. Her choices are still not OP's business unless she makes them his business. She has not. She didn't even share with OP that she had a boyfriend and was pregnant.

Are you suggesting that parents simply stop being worried about their children once they turn the magic age of 18?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm meeting her boyfriend to talk about things this weekend. This has all been a shock because I didn't even know she had a boyfriend. She's been keeping everything a secret. Apparently she's 4 months along already. I'm worried because she has dated abusive men in past relationships. This entire time she's been saying she's single. She didn't expose all of this until I mentioned I was thinking about visiting her in Chicago.

It seems to me that all I can really do is let her know how worried I am about her. There's a lot of question marks right now as I don't even know her boyfriend

Why on earth are you meeting with her boyfriend about anything? This is none of your business, OP. Your daughter has told you as much by choosing to keep her life a secret from you, which, by the way, is entirely within her rights as she is an adult and doesn't need your approval about any of her choices.

If you want to have a meaningful role in her life, you will need to mind your business and *ask* her if she needs any support from you and if she says yes, find out what support and decide for yourself if you are able to provide it.

WOW!!! seriously? you think that it is non of his business?? It is not uncommon or unreasonable for the boyfriend to meet his girlfriends parents. Keep in mind all of you that get SOOOO upset with MIL and FIL on this forum. Also keep in mind all of you that get SOOO upset because you didn't consider the impact that mismatched family backgrounds have had on your own marriages. The OP has correctly identified that there is a cultural mismatch between his daughter and her boyfriend. The daughter could very well be making a big mistake. Most couples who are not ashamed in some way of their relationship WANT to introduce their partner to their families and friends. When they have underlying reservations about the situation they tend to hide things. All you people need to get off your high-horses.

Work on that reading comprehension, PP. Yes, I said it is none of OP's business what his daughter is choosing to do. She is an adult and has chosen to keep aspects of her life from her father, which should clue him in her decisions are not his business. Therefore, his meeting with the boyfriend to discuss anything outside of anything specifically requested by his DD is out of bounds. He doesn't own her. She is an adult.

This doesn't mean they can't meet. Yes, it is common to meet the parents. But when he meets the boyfriend, he should not be meeting to discuss anything on his agenda. He should get to know the person his daughter chose and support them on their future adult plans. The cultural mismatch is all in OPs head and his opinion on her making mistakes means nothing if she has not asked him for help. According to him, she hasn't. SO clearly, he is making something his business that isn't.

As for your other nonsense about MIL/FIL issues here, you are merely proving my point. These issues, nine times out of ten (read the threads) have to do with some MIL/FIL not minding their business and respecting their adult children's choices and families.

If you think there is no baseline mismatch between American culture and Indian culture you are delusional.

This mismatch of which you speak is immaterial here. OP's adult daughter is still an adult and can make her own choices. Her choices are still not OP's business unless she makes them his business. She has not. She didn't even share with OP that she had a boyfriend and was pregnant.

Are you suggesting that parents simply stop being worried about their children once they turn the magic age of 18?

Not PP, but I sort of agree with PP. Once your kids are legal adults, you need to worry more quietly. Keep most of your opinions to yourself. Give advice sparingly. Support them in their relationships and their child-raising. Be generous and patient and forgiving. You're not running the show anymore. You are supporting cast in someone else's story.