Young daughter pregnant

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am crushed and ashamed that my 23 y/o daughter is pregnant. My young, unmarried, "from a Christian home" daughter is pregnant. This is just the worst thing that could have happened. Her mother died when she was young, and I feel like this is all my fault. She's been with her foreign boyfriend for a year and I've met him zero times. My daughter just finished grad school and was supposed to start teaching this fall. Her boyfriend has a nice career. They want to marry. I'm shocked my daughter admitted to planning to have the baby.

This doesn't sound like a tragic scenario. If they both have careers and are committed to each other and the baby, what's the issue?

Unmarried, pregnant, Christian family, I suppose...

And don't forget "foreign" boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

I married older and had a child at 38, so 23 seems crazy young to me --- buuuuuut I was fully expecting this to be about a pregnant 13 year old. Not an adult woman who has finished undergrad and grad school and is in a committed relationship.

I'm missing the tragedy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you upset that he is foreign and the baby might be dark?

No. Her mother was foreign. I'm not racist.

Did her mother use you for citizenship?

No I already had my citizenship. Her boyfriends job seems unstable since he works on short contacts. Apparently he doesn't want to tell his family about the baby. He's Indian and from a very conservative background.

[Anonymous]

If this is the worst thing imaginable, you have lived a very sheltered and charmed life.

[Anonymous]

This is a disaster, OP. I'm so sorry. Sending you hugs.

[Anonymous]

OP,

My parents were unmarried when they had me. They were both stressed at the idea of breaking the news to their conservative parents! They came from opposite sides of the globe and when they met had no common language, let alone culture or traditions. My mother also had a chronic, progressive illness.

I was flower girl at their wedding. They doted over me and gave me many advantages in life. I had a stable, intellectual childhood.

I too chose someone completely different. We got married before having kids, but that's not what love and parenting is all about, really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married older and had a child at 38, so 23 seems crazy young to me --- buuuuuut I was fully expecting this to be about a pregnant 13 year old. Not an adult woman who has finished undergrad and grad school and is in a committed relationship.

I'm missing the tragedy.

Yeah, I'm not seeing the tragedy. 23 might be young to have a baby these days, but it's hardly "young." She's an adult. If the worst thing my daughter does is get pregnant after finishing her education, I will count myself lucky. There are other Christian values besides "don't have premarital sex," and I rank them much higher--kindness, compassion, honesty, integrity, courage, generosity, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you upset that he is foreign and the baby might be dark?

No. Her mother was foreign. I'm not racist.

Did her mother use you for citizenship?

No I already had my citizenship. Her boyfriends job seems unstable since he works on short contacts. Apparently he doesn't want to tell his family about the baby. He's Indian and from a very conservative background.

That will be a huge problem, then. His family will never accept her with an out of wedlock baby. I would support her as best I could and definitely NOT push marriage. My guess is that they will break up, unfortunately. The child will be kept a secret.

[Anonymous]

So look I'm going to ignore the obvious issues with what you wrote, since others have addressed that. Let's focus on what's up with you OP. You're upset because your daughter has gotten pregnant with her boyfriend on purpose and before she's started working. Is that right? I think part of the work you need to do here is to deal with your own feelings of disappointment out of view of your daughter, her boyfriend and the child. Those are on you. If you have an open and loving relationship, I think it's ok to say, ONCE that you wished they'd gotten married and a bit more settled before having a child. After that though, all you do is show support. That means: acting loving and welcoming to the boyfriend, NOT mentioning you think he's using her for a green card, acting excited and loving about the child, opening your home to them for visits, offering emotional support without judgement and helping your daughter learn how to become a parent.

If your worst fears are true, your daughter will need you. And she'll need you to show her how to be an excellent parent even when your child doesn't turn out to be your Perfect Image of a child. Love her through your actions. Not through your judgement.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Hey, OP, my sister got pregnant at 23, had the baby and then married the father a few months later. That was 20+ years ago! They've had a wonderful life together, 4 kids, both parents have professional careers, etc. So, it can work out.

I think you need to focus on your DD now. Put aside your religious views and focus on empathy and logic. Tell her it's okay not to marry immediately. It is fine to get married after the baby is here (or never if she doesn't want to). That gives you time to work out how things are with the boyfriend. Be there for your DD now. Sounds like she's been through a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you upset that he is foreign and the baby might be dark?

No. Her mother was foreign. I'm not racist.

Did her mother use you for citizenship?

No I already had my citizenship. Her boyfriends job seems unstable since he works on short contacts. Apparently he doesn't want to tell his family about the baby. He's Indian and from a very conservative background.

That will be a huge problem, then. His family will never accept her with an out of wedlock baby. I would support her as best I could and definitely NOT push marriage. My guess is that they will break up, unfortunately. The child will be kept a secret.

Boyfriend wants to marry fast and then tell his parents after about marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would it be better if she aborted... coming from a nice Christian home? she's 23. She finished grad school. He's got a job.

Personally, I wouldn't like it if my DD got pregnant at 23, married or not, but it's better than her being 16 and pregnant.

She can still teach. It will just take longer for her to get a job.

On the plus side, they will be young parents, you will be a young grandparent. My DH and I are older parents, and while financially very stable, physically, it's more exhausting, body parts are failing, and my kids are still in ES. Oh vay!

This. And probably not much longer- probably 1 year at most. Employers are literally just as likely to hire a 24 year old entry level teacher with a master's as they are a a 23 year old entry level teacher with a masters. They won't blink.

I think the problem is this isn't your vision for what YOU want for her. But its her life. She might not even have wanted this exact scenario but she's going to make choices that make her happy with her life, not being a martyr to your vision. You need to support that or risk being pushed further and further from your child and grandchild's life.

[Anonymous]

23 is an adult. From the title, I was thinking you're daughter was a teenager. It's her life. Let her live it.

[Anonymous]

23 years old with a graduate degree (!) and a committed partner is a perfectly reasonable situation for starting a family. The problem is yours, entirely, OP. I suggest you do some navel gazing and change your attitude, stat.

[Anonymous]

You should offer to babysit.