HS Party with Alcohol... Death

[Anonymous]

Just curious why the media hasn't reported the name of the family hosting the party in the news.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not only parties, though; if kids want to drink, they will do it whenever there's an opportunity -- at someone's house while the parents are at work, for example. Are you going to tell your 18 year old that they can't go over to a friend's house?

I'm wondering how many of you have had a teen who has been that age -- between h.s. graduation and the start of college. It's a fine line you walk, between trying to protect them from harm and yet giving them freedom to make good decisions; after all, in a few months, they will be away on their own without you looking over their shoulder (and if you think that there's no drinking at college, it may not be on campus, but there is still a lot of drinking off-campus). It is very stressful as a parent, and although you preach and teach about the dangers of drinking and driving or riding with someone who's impaired...teens are going to do foolish things, because they can't imagine that anything bad will happen to THEM. I'm just saying, it's not as cut and dry as some of you think it is.

I do think that having a mangled car on the school lawn presents a powerful visual and gives teens something to think about. These terrible incidents need to be turned into messages for the younger students and not be quickly forgotten.

What is absolutely inexcusable is that adults would allow teens to drink at their home. I knew of a family who would let kids drink at their home, but would make them spend the night -- still very, very wrong in my eyes. I hope the adults who let this party occur are charged to the fullest extent of the law, and I hope their names are made public.

Parent of an almost-18 yo. We told DD that we would pick her up, no questions asked, at anytime day or night. We told her that she would never get in trouble for this.

We also told her that if she was EVER found to be drinking / drugging and driving that we would personally arrange for the MVA to rescind her license until she was an adult (the MVA has a process for this). We bought a breathalyzer and did test her with it once, mostly just to prove that we would use it and she shouldn't think it was an empty threat.

She called us. Not terribly often, but enough that I noticed that she took us seriously. Would I prefer she didn't drink? Yes. Would I prefer that I didn't have to occasionally drag myself out of bed after sleeping to pick her up? Yes. But I took great care to reinforce that my number one value was no drinking and driving. I NEVER lectured her for having me pick her up. If it had become a weekly thing, perhaps I would revisit my approach, but it was infrequent enough that I never indicated I minded. I didn't want to create any disincentive to being called.
I used to spend the night at a friend's house as a teen and justified it to my parents that this was the preferable option to driving after drinking to meet a curfew. This is the reality of most teens - alcohol is very prevalent at parties. I was a good student, an athlete, somewhat responsible and wanted to maintain an honest relationship with my parents. Your kids will find a way to engage in these activities while either being honest with you or deceiving you to maintain their freedom. It was evident to me in college who had strict upbringings because those were the kids going nuts.

I have young kids now and am struggling with how to handle this when they reach this stage. I want them to be honest with me and I will focus on keeping them safe. An, but the details...

[Anonymous]

PP here -my text got lost in quote.

Here it is.

Parent of an almost-18 yo. We told DD that we would pick her up, no questions asked, at anytime day or night. We told her that she would never get in trouble for this.

We also told her that if she was EVER found to be drinking / drugging and driving that we would personally arrange for the MVA to rescind her license until she was an adult (the MVA has a process for this). We bought a breathalyzer and did test her with it once, mostly just to prove that we would use it and she shouldn't think it was an empty threat.

She called us. Not terribly often, but enough that I noticed that she took us seriously. Would I prefer she didn't drink? Yes. Would I prefer that I didn't have to occasionally drag myself out of bed after sleeping to pick her up? Yes. But I took great care to reinforce that my number one value was no drinking and driving. I NEVER lectured her for having me pick her up. If it had become a weekly thing, perhaps I would revisit my approach, but it was infrequent enough that I never indicated I minded. I didn't want to create any disincentive to being called

[Anonymous]

^^This is extremely important. Parents should not be so tough that your teen doesn't feel comfortable calling when s/he's in a situation s/he needs help getting out of. Punishments can follow but the point is the teen calls home when necessary. Our oldest has never needed to call while our second called a handful of times in high school. For college age kids, we tie Uber to our credit card and implore them to Uber anywhere rather than drive under any influence. Sure, we tell them not to drink and drive, but situations will arise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just curious why the media hasn't reported the name of the family hosting the party in the news.

Have they even been charged yet?
Maybe working on the plea deal...
like with Pena, 'special' considerations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here -my text got lost in quote.

Here it is.

Parent of an almost-18 yo. We told DD that we would pick her up, no questions asked, at anytime day or night. We told her that she would never get in trouble for this.

We also told her that if she was EVER found to be drinking / drugging and driving that we would personally arrange for the MVA to rescind her license until she was an adult (the MVA has a process for this). We bought a breathalyzer and did test her with it once, mostly just to prove that we would use it and she shouldn't think it was an empty threat.

She called us. Not terribly often, but enough that I noticed that she took us seriously. Would I prefer she didn't drink? Yes. Would I prefer that I didn't have to occasionally drag myself out of bed after sleeping to pick her up? Yes. But I took great care to reinforce that my number one value was no drinking and driving. I NEVER lectured her for having me pick her up. If it had become a weekly thing, perhaps I would revisit my approach, but it was infrequent enough that I never indicated I minded. I didn't want to create any disincentive to being called

I think every parent needs to do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can anyone think of something to do that will make this more "real" to the kids than a memorial by the side of the road? What can one possibly do to have this terrible accident serve as a deterrent to other kids? other parents who condone drinking? Is there anything?

Our HS put the mangled car on the front lawn of the school.

So did ours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here -my text got lost in quote.

Here it is.

Parent of an almost-18 yo. We told DD that we would pick her up, no questions asked, at anytime day or night. We told her that she would never get in trouble for this.

We also told her that if she was EVER found to be drinking / drugging and driving that we would personally arrange for the MVA to rescind her license until she was an adult (the MVA has a process for this). We bought a breathalyzer and did test her with it once, mostly just to prove that we would use it and she shouldn't think it was an empty threat.

She called us. Not terribly often, but enough that I noticed that she took us seriously. Would I prefer she didn't drink? Yes. Would I prefer that I didn't have to occasionally drag myself out of bed after sleeping to pick her up? Yes. But I took great care to reinforce that my number one value was no drinking and driving. I NEVER lectured her for having me pick her up. If it had become a weekly thing, perhaps I would revisit my approach, but it was infrequent enough that I never indicated I minded. I didn't want to create any disincentive to being called

I have young kids and think this is a good approach. Hope to do this with my kids and hope they call me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The driver had an alcohol citation in March and another in ocean city earlier this month. It makes me ill he still had access to a car.

Exactly.

Alcohol citation, or a drinking and driving citation?

Does it matter. He's underaged and drinking in public. Yet still allowed to drive a car.

George Huguely was charged with underage possession of alcohol and arrested for public drunkenness and resisting arrest. Although in his case, he beat someone to death and didn't use a car to kill his victim.

Being an alarmist is not going to add to the conversation.

Yes. It matters, there's is a huge difference between drinking and driving and drinking. There is a huge difference in drinking and resisting arrest.

You are completely out of touch if you think it is rare or a terrible child that get a drinking violation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can anyone think of something to do that will make this more "real" to the kids than a memorial by the side of the road? What can one possibly do to have this terrible accident serve as a deterrent to other kids? other parents who condone drinking? Is there anything?

Have them watch the clip in one of the previous links, that should make a huge impact.

Kids watch this stuff all the time. They see it in health class at school. It gets discussed often from 6th grade forward. But, no, it doesn't just sink in. Teenagers are impulsive and don't think clearly when they are with friends and it's even worse when they are impaired by alcohol or drugs.

Frontal lobe isn't fully mature until 25yrs old. Scientific fact. They need to avoid all alcohol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you think your teen has been to a party without alcohol, you've been duped.

Nope, I've been to several parties to pick her up, and she doesn't drink. She knows why I don't, she knows that we have several alcoholics in the family, and she watched a cousin become an alcoholic before killing herself (debatable whether it was accidental or suicide).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not only parties, though; if kids want to drink, they will do it whenever there's an opportunity -- at someone's house while the parents are at work, for example. Are you going to tell your 18 year old that they can't go over to a friend's house?

I'm wondering how many of you have had a teen who has been that age -- between h.s. graduation and the start of college. It's a fine line you walk, between trying to protect them from harm and yet giving them freedom to make good decisions; after all, in a few months, they will be away on their own without you looking over their shoulder (and if you think that there's no drinking at college, it may not be on campus, but there is still a lot of drinking off-campus). It is very stressful as a parent, and although you preach and teach about the dangers of drinking and driving or riding with someone who's impaired...teens are going to do foolish things, because they can't imagine that anything bad will happen to THEM. I'm just saying, it's not as cut and dry as some of you think it is.

I do think that having a mangled car on the school lawn presents a powerful visual and gives teens something to think about. These terrible incidents need to be turned into messages for the younger students and not be quickly forgotten.

What is absolutely inexcusable is that adults would allow teens to drink at their home. I knew of a family who would let kids drink at their home, but would make them spend the night -- still very, very wrong in my eyes. I hope the adults who let this party occur are charged to the fullest extent of the law, and I hope their names are made public.

So pick a college that has a decent reputation for drinking on campus, focus on single sex colleges and choose one with only academic sororities/fraternities. Issue solved. I went to Agnes Scott, and I guarantee that there was a whole lot less drinking on or off campus than most colleges. Those that wanted to drink went over to Emory or Georgia Tech to frat row. Those kids will do it anyway, wouldn't necessarily be at a party. Wait, picking you kids' colleges isn't ok, right? Hmmm...

Honestly, if you are so involved with your (adult) child's life that you think you can tell them what to do once they are 18, you have a surprise coming. I firmly believe that if a child is given the tools to evaluate a situation, is able to live with both the positive and negative consequences of choices, and starts doing these at a young age, there's less risk once they are teens, and it's minimal once they are adults. Wrap your kids in cotton wool, be very stingy with choices or wait until they are tweens and teens to start letting the reins go and you have a rebellion that doesn't stop when they turn 18. I would much rather my child get into trouble younger so that I can help and the negative impact is felt without being something that will follow through the years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you think your teen has been to a party without alcohol, you've been duped.

Nope, I've been to several parties to pick her up, and she doesn't drink. She knows why I don't, she knows that we have several alcoholics in the family, and she watched a cousin become an alcoholic before killing herself (debatable whether it was accidental or suicide).

Just because she doesn't drink does not mean there is no alcohol at the party, and pot.

Also, you can get an alcohol violation if you are at a drinking party but your BAC is 0.0, so the fact she does not drink doesn't matter in the eyes of the law.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The driver had an alcohol citation in March and another in ocean city earlier this month. It makes me ill he still had access to a car.

Exactly.

Alcohol citation, or a drinking and driving citation?

Does it matter?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you think your teen has been to a party without alcohol, you've been duped.

Nope, I've been to several parties to pick her up, and she doesn't drink. She knows why I don't, she knows that we have several alcoholics in the family, and she watched a cousin become an alcoholic before killing herself (debatable whether it was accidental or suicide).

Just because she doesn't drink does not mean there is no alcohol at the party, and pot.

Also, you can get an alcohol violation if you are at a drinking party but your BAC is 0.0, so the fact she does not drink doesn't matter in the eyes of the law.

What part of she refuses to be at a party with alcohol did you miss? She calls me, she calls the police anonymously from the bathroom or the car, and we're gone. The party is busted up, she's not the bad guy and neither am I.