Uninvited Guests on vacation

[Anonymous]

I'm sure OP stopped reading this thread pages ago. So many of the posts are just so mean and nasty. How is that helpful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure OP stopped reading this thread pages ago. So many of the posts are just so mean and nasty. How is that helpful?

Well truth hurts doesn't it? If you don't want to be called an asshole don't be an asshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family, including my mother, grandmother, brother, and his family are all going on a week long vacation together. This is the first time in several years my mom has been able to go on vacation and my grandmother is becoming more feeble every year, so we were all looking forward to spending a fun week together. Well, a couple weeks ago, I was asked how I felt about my SIL's parents coming down for a couple of days to hang out with us on this vacation, while staying at a hotel. What could I say, no they can't drive somewhere and do something. I said "they can do what they want to do, I can't tell them not to do something." So, now I hear back that they are coming down on Wednesday and staying until the end of our vacation. I'm upset for myself, my child, and my mother. They will be with us for meals and activities and will completely change the dynamic. My told my brother I'm not happy and it and he said "we asked you." I think he feels bummed about it, too, but doesn't want to hurt his wife's feelings. What say you, DCUM? Am I overreacting or should I just get over it?

They aren't exactly uninvited are they? Sounds like your SIL invited her family on a family vacation. They asked and you answered. If you wanted it to be just your blood you should have said something like "How about just us this time around, grandma is getting old and we should spend as much time with her as possible, we'll go to xyz with SILs family at another time." Instead you lied and now you are put out about it.

You are overreacting and should get over it. Since you caused the situation.

This. You might "think" that your brother is bummed out about it, but he hasn't said so. And he did run it by you, and while you were less than enthusiastic, you didn't raise any actual objection or explain why you wanted the vacation to be just your side of the family. And these people were invited, by your brother and sister-in-law. I understand why you're bummed, but I think you need to just get over it. They aren't staying with you, and they'll probably want to do stuff with their daughter, so I doubt they will be in your hair the whole time.

[Anonymous]

You are not overreacting. I would be pissed too. Maybe you just need to be honest. I do vacation with my in laws every year and I've invited people. One year I was told family only (meaning Dh's family) and I honestly had no problem with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure OP stopped reading this thread pages ago. So many of the posts are just so mean and nasty. How is that helpful?

Well truth hurts doesn't it? If you don't want to be called an asshole don't be an asshole.

Why are you still here? Nobody here did anything to warrant being called a bitch and an asshole. What is WRONG with you?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure OP stopped reading this thread pages ago. So many of the posts are just so mean and nasty. How is that helpful?

Well truth hurts doesn't it? If you don't want to be called an asshole don't be an asshole.

Why are you still here? Nobody here did anything to warrant being called a bitch and an asshole. What is WRONG with you?!

Thiat was my first post in this thread.. So what is wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you were asked you should have replied exactly as you said here - that you were looking forward to a week of cousin time and a chance to visit with four generations of your own family. You didn't voice your opinion so I'm afraid your brother is right, they did ask and you held your tongue. What's done is done.

This is all well and good but in reality if she had said no the SIL would have been furious. I can see why OP was put on the spot with this one.

How could you possibly know? And "furious" seems unlikely. The OP is just a big baby.

Because SIL seems entitled and the brother now knows that it is an issue and THEY ARE STILL COMING. OP is not being a baby. If the SIL wanted her family on the trip, she should have planned a trip. Her trip, her rules, her guests.

Yup. Plus OP's brother set her up. He could have squashed the whole thing with his wife but he deferred to OP. It's her chicken brother's fault.

[Anonymous]

need to be honest.

Most problems on DCUM would be solved

[Anonymous]

I get it, but if it was important to me I would have tried to express that instead of the non-answer you gave them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So here's a positive opportunity that could come from this: one of the days you could offer to take your brothers kids with your side of the family on an outing to give SIL a chance to have some alone grown up time with her parents. Then you would get a day with just your side of the family and SIL could have an opportunity to get quality time with her parents.

I know my folks come to visit a lot and while they *adore* my kids they also really like when I can arrange a sitter and they can have time with just me without my attention being split with my kids. So this could be a chance for a win-win.

But then OP should expect that they'd suggest reciprocating and I don't see her wanting to hand over DS to them even for a day.

PP here. I don't follow. Brother would have his own kids so there isn't really a thing to reciprocate, and don't know why SIL's parents would want time with OP's kids anyway. This plan just gives OP exactly the family dynamic she had been hoping for minus her SIL, and since what she'd wanted was time with her family of origin I doubt that would bother her.

[Anonymous]

Some people just love big groups and others don't. I do not find it relaxing to move a big group around on vacation. Some people love it. But it does not make those who don't bitches.

[Anonymous]

OP, this seems to keep happening with our gifted vacations from my parents. Your brother put you in an awkward position, most people would not have said 'no' even though it wasn't an ideal proposal.
My brother and SIL plus kids will show up at disney or whatever a few days before my family and my parents and do a bunch of stuff. Then we have 1-2 days of overlap and then the original vacation unfolds. It's odd and my mom feels like her extended family vacation got hijacked, but so far brother and SIL have made it a point to enjoy the quality time together, do the same stuff with us all, and not have it overlap so much as in your case.

Other than that, we have to alternate trips amongst visiting/being visited by my parents, DH's parents and our own 4 person family vacations. I will never give up the latter, and my husband agrees. We do not exhaust all our vacations just with extended family, we like our own traditions as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be irritated if my SIL invited her parents to my family vacation. And I get how hard it is to speak up in this situation. It should never have even been asked in the first place.

No sorry... unless she's married to SIL, SIL's parents are NOT extended family for the OP. This isn't the freaking Brady Bunch. SIL's parents need to stay home and plan their own vacation. If SIL has a problem with that, she can stay her ass home too!

However, I'm an asshole. If I were in the OP's position, I'd invite MY in laws to balance things out. Vacations cost too much money to have to feel uncomfortable sharing time with strangers.

Agree, just invite everyone you can think of. More the merrier. My inlaws, your inlaws, the divorced and remarried set of inlaws, single sibings, married siblings, more inlay inlaws, etc.

Too lazy to plan your own visits or vacations, just pony up to someone else's trip! More the merrier. Ho ho ho!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So here's a positive opportunity that could come from this: one of the days you could offer to take your brothers kids with your side of the family on an outing to give SIL a chance to have some alone grown up time with her parents. Then you would get a day with just your side of the family and SIL could have an opportunity to get quality time with her parents.

I know my folks come to visit a lot and while they *adore* my kids they also really like when I can arrange a sitter and they can have time with just me without my attention being split with my kids. So this could be a chance for a win-win.

But then OP should expect that they'd suggest reciprocating and I don't see her wanting to hand over DS to them even for a day.

PP here. I don't follow. Brother would have his own kids so there isn't really a thing to reciprocate, and don't know why SIL's parents would want time with OP's kids anyway. This plan just gives OP exactly the family dynamic she had been hoping for minus her SIL, and since what she'd wanted was time with her family of origin I doubt that would bother her.

OP is upset because SIL's family is intruding on her vacation. She had a specific vision of what she wanted, nothing wrong with that, but it seems to me that even having her brother's family along is just to benefit OP's mom and her DS. She even claimed disappointment based on her DS missing out on time with his cousin. SIL is just the necessary vehicle to get the cousins together. SIL's family does not benefit DS.

Of course OP would take the cousin so SIL could disappear with her family. But if OP's brother said, we'll take Jackson so you can have time with just mom and grandma I doubt OP would want that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So here's a positive opportunity that could come from this: one of the days you could offer to take your brothers kids with your side of the family on an outing to give SIL a chance to have some alone grown up time with her parents. Then you would get a day with just your side of the family and SIL could have an opportunity to get quality time with her parents.

I know my folks come to visit a lot and while they *adore* my kids they also really like when I can arrange a sitter and they can have time with just me without my attention being split with my kids. So this could be a chance for a win-win.

To this PP (13:19): I am not the OP, but thanks for contributing a positive post here! Your idea gives OP a chance to give her mom/grandmother more time with the grandkids and do a good thing for SIL to boot.

And OP, the fact that you are staying in the same place as your mom and grandmother, but SIL's parents are elsewhere, should help. (Ideally SIL, BIL and kid(s) would stay with SIL's parents and you'd all just rendezvous for specific times. But even if not, it does mean SIL's parents will at least go "home" to their own space for quite a while each night.)

Tell SIL and BIL up front and very nicely, "There'll be a couple of evenings when we and my mom and grandmother bow out in the late afternoon, since my grandmother tires easily, and we'll take our kids home and do our own thing for dinner and the evening. If you want to do something with just you, BIL and kids, with your parents, go for it!" Then DO it. "Tomorrow after the amusement park (or whatever activity) we're going to head back home on our own." If you do it in a friendly way it should be fine and might actually come as a relief to SIL and BIL to have a break from the whole group.

OP, we spend more than two weeks each year visiting my husband's family (long visits since they're overseas). We stay in our own apartment. My SIL comes to visit while we're there, with our niece, and they stay elsewhere too. My mother-in-law goes home to her own house at night and none of stays with her--she's elderly and doesn't need us disrupting her routines at home in the evenings and early mornings. It really keeps everyone sane, and reduces the "too much togetherness" syndrome, for everyone to say, "We'll do our own thing tomorrow morning and meet you for lunch and then do X together in the afternoon" and so on. Some dinners are together, some are on our own.

If you set expectations nicely at the start, and your SIL and family are open to the idea, you should be able to make "do our own thing" happen at times, even if you're mostly under the same roof.