Uninvited Guests on vacation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Your grandmother, mother etc., are not the blood relatives of your SIL. I am sure she would want to spend time with her parents instead of all her ILs.

From your SIL's perspective, she wants to spend time with both her parents and her ILs. This seems very healthy.

OP, are you a single mom? I think your brother is trying his best to spend time with both sides of the families.

Right but do it at another time. Doesn't that make more sense?

No, it does not. Not if the SIL does not want to spend time with just her ILs. Vacation time is precious. Maybe SIL feels that she needs some downtime and having her parents will ensure that her kids will be looked after if she needs a nap. You just do not know the dynamics of OPs family and her tone sounds very selfish.

If I was in the shoes of the SIL and had to spend my vacation with my DH's sister, sister's kid, DH's mother and DH's grandmother - I would shoot myself.

Furthermore, SILs parents are staying in a hotel. That means that they are there to spend time with their grandchild, son-in-law, and daughter -AND they are not piling on.

I am curious why the big need for OP to have only her family at the vacation. When kids are involved, I always feel that the more adults the better. It is not a honeymoon, it is a family vacation with multiple generation.

I find the OP to be passive-aggressive towards the SIL and also the brother.

I don't know the dynamics of her family - NOR DO YOU! Yet you can call her selfish?

No, I do not know her family dynamics but it does not seem that OP's mother and grandmother have a problem with SILs parents. It is only OP.

If OP was paying for everybody then she could dictate her will. She wants her brother to pick sides?

[Anonymous]

Wow -I'm surprised so many DCUMers are identifying with your SIL. I HATE when people decide they can invite anyone to a planned event. It totally changes the dynamic, and it sucks.

I get it, OP. I would be pissed. I've been there.

[Anonymous]

Don't worry. OP, 5 minutes with you and they will trip over themselves to get away from you and they'll have to fight off your other relatives who also would do anything to get away from you.

[Anonymous]

I see the meanies are out tonight. OP's gripe was not unreasonable. Just because she doesn't want non-family to show up on vacation does not make her a bitch. And, no. I'm not OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see the meanies are out tonight. OP's gripe was not unreasonable. Just because she doesn't want non-family to show up on vacation does not make her a bitch. And, no. I'm not OP.

Yes, OP's gripe is completely unreasonable. In her own words, "Well, a couple weeks ago, I was asked how I felt about my SIL's parents coming down for a couple of days to hang out with us on this vacation, while staying at a hotel..."

She was asked point blank weeks ago and didn't speak up. She has only herself to blame and is letting the small change to the vacation plan take complete focus. Turn the Hoover on high, OP and suck it up.

[Anonymous]

It's a very difficult request to say "no" to, especially when the person asking was expecting a "yes". It sounds like the person who asked also didn't want them there but knew that there was no way to turn them away. Chances are, the SIL is the only one who wants them there. The brother's in-laws should recognize that they are latching on to another family's vacation.

[Anonymous]

I'd be irritated if my SIL invited her parents to my family vacation. And I get how hard it is to speak up in this situation. It should never have even been asked in the first place.

No sorry... unless she's married to SIL, SIL's parents are NOT extended family for the OP. This isn't the freaking Brady Bunch. SIL's parents need to stay home and plan their own vacation. If SIL has a problem with that, she can stay her ass home too!

However, I'm an asshole. If I were in the OP's position, I'd invite MY in laws to balance things out. Vacations cost too much money to have to feel uncomfortable sharing time with strangers.

[Anonymous]

That sucks OP. Your SIL is being very rude. Is she an only child?

My SILs inlaws are great, but because her husband is an only child they always drop in for events that are supposed to be her parents originally.

My MIL gets very upset by this. I don't really blame her. She lives about an hour away and my BILs parents live in the same town. She is older and has mobility issues. His parents are young and more spry. When they are there, she comes off as crabby old grandma (she is) and his mom is young and fun grandma (also true)

It really sucks for my MIL because she drives all that way expecting and excited to be Grandma with a capital G, and she eventually ends up feeling left out as cool fun grandma who sees the grandkids all the time gets at least half if not more of the attention and love.

It sucks for her and I say this as an observer who is not exactly Team MIL.

My BILs family doesn't think anything of it as he is an only child so of course they are going to spend all that time with them, even if the other inlaws are there.

I totally understand where you are coming from. That is just rude.

[Anonymous]

Is there more background? Do the IL's see the family on a regular basis? Is it unusual for you guys to see the family? I personally don't think its a big deal, but I'm wondering is there a larger context I'm missing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see the meanies are out tonight. OP's gripe was not unreasonable. Just because she doesn't want non-family to show up on vacation does not make her a bitch. And, no. I'm not OP.

Yes, OP's gripe is completely unreasonable. In her own words, "Well, a couple weeks ago, I was asked how I felt about my SIL's parents coming down for a couple of days to hang out with us on this vacation, while staying at a hotel..."

She was asked point blank weeks ago and didn't speak up. She has only herself to blame and is letting the small change to the vacation plan take complete focus. Turn the Hoover on high, OP and suck it up.

You have a point. It did sound like she was put on the spot though - it didn't sound like so much like a conversation to feel her out as a bid for approval for plans that had already been made. I can understand being caught off guard with something like that, especially if the family MO is peacemaking at the expense of comfort.

And I also sympathize with people who are oblivious to why they don't belong on certain outings or get-togethers. My BILs parents are super irritating and came along on a family vacation where the only ones who wanted them along were my sister and her family. Incredibly forward and familiar with all of us even though they had only just met some of us and really poor social cues overall. My sister and her husband only had one vacation and wanted to spend it with everyone (even though we had originally planned it otherwise, they put us in the position of having to choose between time with all of them or else they would sit it out).

Sometimes you just want to get together with your most familiar people - it's so much easier to have a vacation if it's not around what feels like company who never leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm really surprised by some of the comments. In our family we trade off big holidays like Christmas - one side, and then the other. It's been like once we were engaged. Several years ago, however, my ILs decided that EVERY year was going to be their turn so if we didn't fly up to see them, they would come to DC (where my parents live). It's a total encroachment on our time with my side of the family and it's incredibly selfish.

That us totally different situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be irritated if my SIL invited her parents to my family vacation. And I get how hard it is to speak up in this situation. It should never have even been asked in the first place.

No sorry... unless she's married to SIL, SIL's parents are NOT extended family for the OP. This isn't the freaking Brady Bunch. SIL's parents need to stay home and plan their own vacation. If SIL has a problem with that, she can stay her ass home too!

However, I'm an asshole. If I were in the OP's position, I'd invite MY in laws to balance things out. Vacations cost too much money to have to feel uncomfortable sharing time with strangers.

Wow you need counseling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a very difficult request to say "no" to, especially when the person asking was expecting a "yes". It sounds like the person who asked also didn't want them there but knew that there was no way to turn them away. Chances are, the SIL is the only one who wants them there. The brother's in-laws should recognize that they are latching on to another family's vacation.

It may be difficult but not impossible. The OP was asked and had essentially two weeks to speak up.

She owes her brother an apology for being immature and passive aggressive.

[Anonymous]

Would people have the same reaction if it were OP's BIL's parents coming on a a vacation with OP's family instead of a SIL?

OP - I understand where you coming from. It's nice just to go on vacation with your family at times and not have the extra people.

But what is the situation? Is it a case of SIL's parents lacking boundaries? A case of SIL not getting enough vacation time and has to divide her precious vacation days this way? Or is it a case of your family drives her crazy and she wants her parents there for part of the time for her own sanity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would people have the same reaction if it were OP's BIL's parents coming on a a vacation with OP's family instead of a SIL?

OP - I understand where you coming from. It's nice just to go on vacation with your family at times and not have the extra people.

But what is the situation? Is it a case of SIL's parents lacking boundaries? A case of SIL not getting enough vacation time and has to divide her precious vacation days this way? Or is it a case of your family drives her crazy and she wants her parents there for part of the time for her own sanity?

There isn't a lack of boundaries. The situation is that the OP cannot act like an adult and say no when she is asked a question. Then passive aggressively bitches about it after the fact.