Local family not helping when DH was deployed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not the BIL's responsibility to take care of your family. Period. You should not have expected him to.

Second of all, it's possible that he didn't come around a lot when his brother was away because he felt strange around you for some reason. My guess, especially if he is there a lot now, is that the issue is you.

eh, she feels strange around him and it's her house. Them the breaks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many here seem to be missing the point. No, it's not BIL's responsibility to help out. But if he doesn't want to or is not able to help, then he shouldn't be doing the, "oh, I will help out when you are deployed" and "oh, I can probably come over and help you" and then flake out. People who are all talk and no action are the worst.

Well, we don't know what help OP asked for. It's possible that he offered to help, but his idea of "help" was in an emergency or in a situation where OP was really in a bind. OP's idea of "help" might be free, unlimited babysitting.

It's very unclear what exactly OP was asking him to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP that sucks. You probably won't get much support here do to the dislike of the military on this board. Talk to your husband your feelings are valid. I would be annoyed by his constant presence. He sounds young not selfish but you need to communicate. When people offer to help give them specific tasks.

Uh, no. A lot of us are military or former military. Nobody likes a whiner.

Also: due to the dislike. Not do to.

Agree. We're retired military. I wish my ILs would have helped when they said they would when my husband was deployed for 15 months. I didn't expect them to clean the gutters or babysit - but there was one week I asked for their help and they said no. They had "offered" many times - anytime you need something, let us know... I had never asked for their help before and when I finally did after my husband had been gone a year the answer was no. I had to let it go.
Fwiw, OP, your BIL probably had no idea how to help, or what you needed, and was probably uncomfortable for whatever reason. Learn that many people offer but few actually help outside those that have been through deployments and understand.

But your expectation was that they were going to drop everything, change their plans and do whatever you needed, because you called and your gasp *husband was deployed*!

See that's were the entitlement comes in. Sometimes people simply can't be available at the drop of a hat at the moment you are asking. It doesn't mean they don't want to help ever.

And to be honest, in 15 months times, you should have been able to figure out how to hire a sitter or service for whatever you needed help with. It's what people do - deployed spouse or not. It's not that hard.

[Anonymous]

It's not fair for Op to punish this guy for not helping and I really don't think that it's fair for her to ban the guy from his house. But she can certainly ask her husband (to ask BIL) to cut down on the overnight visits and to stop dropping by w/o notice. Especially if this is disrupting and abnormal for their household (they do not have a revolving door for other friends/family).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP that sucks. You probably won't get much support here do to the dislike of the military on this board. Talk to your husband your feelings are valid. I would be annoyed by his constant presence. He sounds young not selfish but you need to communicate. When people offer to help give them specific tasks.

Uh, no. A lot of us are military or former military. Nobody likes a whiner.

Also: due to the dislike. Not do to.

Agree. We're retired military. I wish my ILs would have helped when they said they would when my husband was deployed for 15 months. I didn't expect them to clean the gutters or babysit - but there was one week I asked for their help and they said no. They had "offered" many times - anytime you need something, let us know... I had never asked for their help before and when I finally did after my husband had been gone a year the answer was no. I had to let it go.
Fwiw, OP, your BIL probably had no idea how to help, or what you needed, and was probably uncomfortable for whatever reason. Learn that many people offer but few actually help outside those that have been through deployments and understand.

But your expectation was that they were going to drop everything, change their plans and do whatever you needed, because you called and your gasp *husband was deployed*!

See that's were the entitlement comes in. Sometimes people simply can't be available at the drop of a hat at the moment you are asking. It doesn't mean they don't want to help ever.

And to be honest, in 15 months times, you should have been able to figure out how to hire a sitter or service for whatever you needed help with. It's what people do - deployed spouse or not. It's not that hard.

This guy should never have told Op that he would be ready and willing to help out. That wasn't right and it may have prevented her from arranging different back up care...at least the first time that she asked. After that, she should have found someone else to help out. Totally understandable that she would need help in those circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people are ridiculous. If BIL was truly busy with school then he wouldn't have time to come around now either.

If I understand OP correctly that is the issue. Why does he suddenly have free time to come over now.

BIL sounds young and selfish.

Unfortunately OP isn't clear on what she asked of BIL to do, but in the end I don't think it is s too much to think he might stop by and play with his nieces and/or nephews. Even if he didn't like OP as someone suggested, or maybe especially if he doesn't like OP, I would think BIL would stop by occasionally to see the kids, maybe even take them out to the park to get some time away from OP.

I feel for OP. After a year of absence, BIL is now constantly at your house and I assume he's eating your food and staying for dinner you likely cook. It would burn my butt too.

OP is DH husband aware that BIL was not around while he was away? If these brothers are close enough that BIL is over regularly I would think DH would want to know that his brother can't be counted on.

So OP, as long as you aren't looking for BIL to stand in for your husband while he's away, I think it is perfectly fine to expect to see him occasionally while DH is deployed.

OP here. When DH deployed, BIL said he would come help us as much as he could. Yes, my problem is that he couldn't find the time to come and help out when I asked but he is pretty much available every weekend now. He actually overstays his welcome and often spends the night. He will come unannounced and stay to eat. I feel everything about him bothers me now.

DH has told BIL his disappointment and BIL apologized to DH. I have never heard anything from BIL. He just continues to come over uninvited and overstays. I blew up at DH recently and said I don't want BIL at the house anymore.

OP, you need to talk with your BIL. Not yell at him, but talk with him. Model for him what an adult does. You're looking for some acknowledgement from him that he messed up and that he's sorry. That's it.

Why should Op talk to BIL? Op isn't the one that BIL is visiting...right?

Huh? OP has a problem with BIL, She needs to talk with him about it. He's visiting in HER home. He wasn't there for her when she needed it and he said he'd be there. She needs to talk it out with him. He'll apologize. She'll feel better. And then he can go on visiting his brother. Win-win for everyone when someone acts like an adult.

Huh? Back to you. BIL appears to basically ignore Op, he just hangs at her house and drops by whenever to eat her food. BIL is coming over (uninvited) to see Op's dh. Op's dh is the one that needs to talk to BIL.

OP here. I just had a long talk with DH about BIL. BIL is deeply sorry to DH. BIL is DH's only brother. BIL is in our will to be our children's guardian if anything happened to us.

Actually it was very clear what BIL said he would do while DH was deployed. BIL was supposed to step up for his brother while his brother was deployed. He said he would help me with picking up the kids when he did not have class. He said he would take the kids for a few hours on the weekends so that I could have a break. In hindsight, each incident was not a big deal. It just infuriates me now because I see how available BIL actually is.

[Anonymous]

Wow OP, BIL is not your husband-replacement. It sounded kinda inappropriate. If he was going to be acting like a partner to you, well, he might have thought it was a little weird. It's not like it was emergency stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many here seem to be missing the point. No, it's not BIL's responsibility to help out. But if he doesn't want to or is not able to help, then he shouldn't be doing the, "oh, I will help out when you are deployed" and "oh, I can probably come over and help you" and then flake out. People who are all talk and no action are the worst.

Well, we don't know what help OP asked for. It's possible that he offered to help, but his idea of "help" was in an emergency or in a situation where OP was really in a bind. OP's idea of "help" might be free, unlimited babysitting.

It's very unclear what exactly OP was asking him to do.

OP here. I had surgery last year. It would have been nice if BIL could just play with the kids for a few hours so I could just lay in bed in pain. Painkillers made me drowsy. There were a few times where one of the kids had a birthday party to attend where BIL said he could watch one kid. BIL said he would take the kids so I could attend my friend's birthday brunch. Each incident is not a big deal but it has left a bad taste in my mouth.

I have learned that paid help is better than unreliable family help. I am trying not to hold a grudge but it is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people are ridiculous. If BIL was truly busy with school then he wouldn't have time to come around now either.

If I understand OP correctly that is the issue. Why does he suddenly have free time to come over now.

BIL sounds young and selfish.

Unfortunately OP isn't clear on what she asked of BIL to do, but in the end I don't think it is s too much to think he might stop by and play with his nieces and/or nephews. Even if he didn't like OP as someone suggested, or maybe especially if he doesn't like OP, I would think BIL would stop by occasionally to see the kids, maybe even take them out to the park to get some time away from OP.

I feel for OP. After a year of absence, BIL is now constantly at your house and I assume he's eating your food and staying for dinner you likely cook. It would burn my butt too.

OP is DH husband aware that BIL was not around while he was away? If these brothers are close enough that BIL is over regularly I would think DH would want to know that his brother can't be counted on.

So OP, as long as you aren't looking for BIL to stand in for your husband while he's away, I think it is perfectly fine to expect to see him occasionally while DH is deployed.

OP here. When DH deployed, BIL said he would come help us as much as he could. Yes, my problem is that he couldn't find the time to come and help out when I asked but he is pretty much available every weekend now. He actually overstays his welcome and often spends the night. He will come unannounced and stay to eat. I feel everything about him bothers me now.

DH has told BIL his disappointment and BIL apologized to DH. I have never heard anything from BIL. He just continues to come over uninvited and overstays. I blew up at DH recently and said I don't want BIL at the house anymore.

OP, you need to talk with your BIL. Not yell at him, but talk with him. Model for him what an adult does. You're looking for some acknowledgement from him that he messed up and that he's sorry. That's it.

Why should Op talk to BIL? Op isn't the one that BIL is visiting...right?

Huh? OP has a problem with BIL, She needs to talk with him about it. He's visiting in HER home. He wasn't there for her when she needed it and he said he'd be there. She needs to talk it out with him. He'll apologize. She'll feel better. And then he can go on visiting his brother. Win-win for everyone when someone acts like an adult.

Huh? Back to you. BIL appears to basically ignore Op, he just hangs at her house and drops by whenever to eat her food. BIL is coming over (uninvited) to see Op's dh. Op's dh is the one that needs to talk to BIL.

OP here. I just had a long talk with DH about BIL. BIL is deeply sorry to DH. BIL is DH's only brother. BIL is in our will to be our children's guardian if anything happened to us.

Actually it was very clear what BIL said he would do while DH was deployed. BIL was supposed to step up for his brother while his brother was deployed. He said he would help me with picking up the kids when he did not have class. He said he would take the kids for a few hours on the weekends so that I could have a break. In hindsight, each incident was not a big deal. It just infuriates me now because I see how available BIL actually is.

Maybe your BIL is telling your husband what your husband needs to hear. Whatever the case, there is no follow through when it comes to you and the kids. Maybe time to reconsider that guardianship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP that sucks. You probably won't get much support here do to the dislike of the military on this board. Talk to your husband your feelings are valid. I would be annoyed by his constant presence. He sounds young not selfish but you need to communicate. When people offer to help give them specific tasks.

Uh, no. A lot of us are military or former military. Nobody likes a whiner.

Also: due to the dislike. Not do to.

Agree. We're retired military. I wish my ILs would have helped when they said they would when my husband was deployed for 15 months. I didn't expect them to clean the gutters or babysit - but there was one week I asked for their help and they said no. They had "offered" many times - anytime you need something, let us know... I had never asked for their help before and when I finally did after my husband had been gone a year the answer was no. I had to let it go.
Fwiw, OP, your BIL probably had no idea how to help, or what you needed, and was probably uncomfortable for whatever reason. Learn that many people offer but few actually help outside those that have been through deployments and understand.

But your expectation was that they were going to drop everything, change their plans and do whatever you needed, because you called and your gasp *husband was deployed*!

See that's were the entitlement comes in. Sometimes people simply can't be available at the drop of a hat at the moment you are asking. It doesn't mean they don't want to help ever.

And to be honest, in 15 months times, you should have been able to figure out how to hire a sitter or service for whatever you needed help with. It's what people do - deployed spouse or not. It's not that hard.

I did figure it out - and only asked for help once in 15 months. My infant was getting ear tubes and I need someone to watch the preschooler. I had to be at the hospital at 6 am, before any preschool is open. I asked weeks ahead of time if they could either spend the night or if he could spend the night with them. They said no. So I asked a friend, and he spent the night at her house.
The point is they offered several times that they would help. And they didn't. Don't offer if you don't mean it.
And it is *that* hard. Luckily I have friends that help each other out. If any of my friends or family was in the situation I was in, I would help. I've watched my friends kids overnight when they were having an additional child. It's what friends and family do for each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people are ridiculous. If BIL was truly busy with school then he wouldn't have time to come around now either.

If I understand OP correctly that is the issue. Why does he suddenly have free time to come over now.

BIL sounds young and selfish.

Unfortunately OP isn't clear on what she asked of BIL to do, but in the end I don't think it is s too much to think he might stop by and play with his nieces and/or nephews. Even if he didn't like OP as someone suggested, or maybe especially if he doesn't like OP, I would think BIL would stop by occasionally to see the kids, maybe even take them out to the park to get some time away from OP.

I feel for OP. After a year of absence, BIL is now constantly at your house and I assume he's eating your food and staying for dinner you likely cook. It would burn my butt too.

OP is DH husband aware that BIL was not around while he was away? If these brothers are close enough that BIL is over regularly I would think DH would want to know that his brother can't be counted on.

So OP, as long as you aren't looking for BIL to stand in for your husband while he's away, I think it is perfectly fine to expect to see him occasionally while DH is deployed.

OP here. When DH deployed, BIL said he would come help us as much as he could. Yes, my problem is that he couldn't find the time to come and help out when I asked but he is pretty much available every weekend now. He actually overstays his welcome and often spends the night. He will come unannounced and stay to eat. I feel everything about him bothers me now.

DH has told BIL his disappointment and BIL apologized to DH. I have never heard anything from BIL. He just continues to come over uninvited and overstays. I blew up at DH recently and said I don't want BIL at the house anymore.

OP, you need to talk with your BIL. Not yell at him, but talk with him. Model for him what an adult does. You're looking for some acknowledgement from him that he messed up and that he's sorry. That's it.

Why should Op talk to BIL? Op isn't the one that BIL is visiting...right?

Huh? OP has a problem with BIL, She needs to talk with him about it. He's visiting in HER home. He wasn't there for her when she needed it and he said he'd be there. She needs to talk it out with him. He'll apologize. She'll feel better. And then he can go on visiting his brother. Win-win for everyone when someone acts like an adult.

Huh? Back to you. BIL appears to basically ignore Op, he just hangs at her house and drops by whenever to eat her food. BIL is coming over (uninvited) to see Op's dh. Op's dh is the one that needs to talk to BIL.

OP here. I just had a long talk with DH about BIL. BIL is deeply sorry to DH. BIL is DH's only brother. BIL is in our will to be our children's guardian if anything happened to us.

Actually it was very clear what BIL said he would do while DH was deployed. BIL was supposed to step up for his brother while his brother was deployed. He said he would help me with picking up the kids when he did not have class. He said he would take the kids for a few hours on the weekends so that I could have a break. In hindsight, each incident was not a big deal. It just infuriates me now because I see how available BIL actually is.

Change your will. BIL should not be a guardian to your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP that sucks. You probably won't get much support here do to the dislike of the military on this board. Talk to your husband your feelings are valid. I would be annoyed by his constant presence. He sounds young not selfish but you need to communicate. When people offer to help give them specific tasks.

Uh, no. A lot of us are military or former military. Nobody likes a whiner.

Also: due to the dislike. Not do to.

Agree. We're retired military. I wish my ILs would have helped when they said they would when my husband was deployed for 15 months. I didn't expect them to clean the gutters or babysit - but there was one week I asked for their help and they said no. They had "offered" many times - anytime you need something, let us know... I had never asked for their help before and when I finally did after my husband had been gone a year the answer was no. I had to let it go.
Fwiw, OP, your BIL probably had no idea how to help, or what you needed, and was probably uncomfortable for whatever reason. Learn that many people offer but few actually help outside those that have been through deployments and understand.

But your expectation was that they were going to drop everything, change their plans and do whatever you needed, because you called and your gasp *husband was deployed*!

See that's were the entitlement comes in. Sometimes people simply can't be available at the drop of a hat at the moment you are asking. It doesn't mean they don't want to help ever.

And to be honest, in 15 months times, you should have been able to figure out how to hire a sitter or service for whatever you needed help with. It's what people do - deployed spouse or not. It's not that hard.

I did figure it out - and only asked for help once in 15 months. My infant was getting ear tubes and I need someone to watch the preschooler. I had to be at the hospital at 6 am, before any preschool is open. I asked weeks ahead of time if they could either spend the night or if he could spend the night with them. They said no. So I asked a friend, and he spent the night at her house.
The point is they offered several times that they would help. And they didn't. Don't offer if you don't mean it.
And it is *that* hard. Luckily I have friends that help each other out. If any of my friends or family was in the situation I was in, I would help. I've watched my friends kids overnight when they were having an additional child. It's what friends and family do for each other.

If you asked one time and they said no that one time maybe they had a genuine conflict and couldn't help you on that particular occasion? I'm confused because in other posts (assuming you are the Op) it sounds as though you asked BIL numerous times to help out and he said that he "probably" could but in the end did not come through...or maybe there is more than one poster here? I'm losing track.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP that sucks. You probably won't get much support here do to the dislike of the military on this board. Talk to your husband your feelings are valid. I would be annoyed by his constant presence. He sounds young not selfish but you need to communicate. When people offer to help give them specific tasks.

Uh, no. A lot of us are military or former military. Nobody likes a whiner.

Also: due to the dislike. Not do to.

Agree. We're retired military. I wish my ILs would have helped when they said they would when my husband was deployed for 15 months. I didn't expect them to clean the gutters or babysit - but there was one week I asked for their help and they said no. They had "offered" many times - anytime you need something, let us know... I had never asked for their help before and when I finally did after my husband had been gone a year the answer was no. I had to let it go.
Fwiw, OP, your BIL probably had no idea how to help, or what you needed, and was probably uncomfortable for whatever reason. Learn that many people offer but few actually help outside those that have been through deployments and understand.

But your expectation was that they were going to drop everything, change their plans and do whatever you needed, because you called and your gasp *husband was deployed*!

See that's were the entitlement comes in. Sometimes people simply can't be available at the drop of a hat at the moment you are asking. It doesn't mean they don't want to help ever.

And to be honest, in 15 months times, you should have been able to figure out how to hire a sitter or service for whatever you needed help with. It's what people do - deployed spouse or not. It's not that hard.

I did figure it out - and only asked for help once in 15 months. My infant was getting ear tubes and I need someone to watch the preschooler. I had to be at the hospital at 6 am, before any preschool is open. I asked weeks ahead of time if they could either spend the night or if he could spend the night with them. They said no. So I asked a friend, and he spent the night at her house.
The point is they offered several times that they would help. And they didn't. Don't offer if you don't mean it.
And it is *that* hard. Luckily I have friends that help each other out. If any of my friends or family was in the situation I was in, I would help. I've watched my friends kids overnight when they were having an additional child. It's what friends and family do for each other.

If you asked one time and they said no that one time maybe they had a genuine conflict and couldn't help you on that particular occasion? I'm confused because in other posts (assuming you are the Op) it sounds as though you asked BIL numerous times to help out and he said that he "probably" could but in the end did not come through...or maybe there is more than one poster here? I'm losing track.

Never mind. I see it was a different situation - sorry, got confused.

[Anonymous]

OP, why did you only tell part of the story originally? Typical DCUM.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can't believe all the hate on this post. I am not from a military family or background but I think you have every right to feel aggrieved that your BIL didn't help while your husband was deployed. And it would bug the heck out of me to find someone like that at my house all the time now. I don't know why people are accusing you of being entitled or wanting your BIL to raise your kids. Everyone needs an extra set of hands on occasion, and it is disappointing if a family members offers but then never comes through - even worse if you're dealing with a months' long absence from your spouse and your kids' dad while he is in harms way.

At the same time, as sympathetic as I am OP, I do think you need to find a way to get beyond it. Set some limits on BIL's time at your house; get him out of your will as the kids' guardians, whatever. But don't let it fester and make you crazy. I had a crazy sudden health condition last year. It was terrifying, since it involved my brain, and it kept me from doing a lot of normal things (like driving) for months. And it sort of amazed me that none of my friends - some of whom I'd known my whole life - bothered to do a thing for me, like offer a ride for my kids or drop off a meal. I'd done the same in lesser instances for all of them. It really truly bothered me for a long time. But I've had to just move beyond it. I won't forget that they were a little self-involved at my time of need, but they are still people I care about, and life has to go on too. I think sometimes when people see you managing through a crisis without too much drama, it's easy to opt out of making an extra effort. Your BIL may have just rationalized that you were doing fine. Or he may truly be an awful jerk. But either way, you'll have to be around him at least occasionally, and you don't want to waste your reunited family time by being angry.