Am I overreacting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She knew about the surgery since I scheduled it in October. I even scheduled her to clean the house the day of the surgery so id come to a clean home. She knew for a long time I would be off this week.

So she should stay and cater to you, unpaid??? Very entitled. You may be a pill for her to live with...

NP. The girl gets free rent. She shouldn't be paid for occasional childcare. At least I wasn't when I lived rent free with a family after college in exchange for occasional babysitting.

Then those expectations need to be made clear as part of the agreement. Free rent in exchange for babysitting for X number of hours a week. Advanced notice is needed by both parties to change the arrangement, formally. Then, the OP would have needed to spell out that extra hours were needed this weekend. The babysitter/cousin would have needed to formally ask for the weekend off if that were during her expected hours.

The poor girl can't be expected to read minds.

It's not about reading minds. You live rent free in a home, you know the mom in the home is having surgery and you leave without even asking if she needs help?
I call it selfishness.

I call it KARMA. Have you read OP's posts? It's clear the rent-free-distant-cousin hates OP. And from the little I have seen of OP here today, I tend to agree with the distant cousin.

[Anonymous]

Op - I would've stayed and helped and in fact I'd insist to do so voluntarily if I were her. But I'm not American so I'd be disappointed but chalk it up as cultural difference.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, why are you still letting her live with you rent free? that sounds ridiculous, since you still pay her for child care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given the level of entitlement shown by the OP, I suspect this "occasional" babysitting is more like 20+ hours per week.

It's actually 4 hours one Saturday per month. I work opposite shifts to dh's so we rarely need help with the kids.

So why are you giving her free rent since you pay her for babysitting?

[Anonymous]

I'm actually of the opinion that the cousin-student is getting a good deal and should have helped. The main question to ask is whether OP would have hired an unrelated adult for the same role. The answer is probably not. Unfortunately, this happens when you try to mix family with business/babysitting.

I do think that OP should have had better planed for this time. It was probably clear that the cousin would not be helping -- there were probably many other occasions when a relative would have helped (but not employee), and she did not help.

I think the cousin showed her colors, that she treats this relationship more like a business one and not family. so, OP, you can behave the same towards her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given the level of entitlement shown by the OP, I suspect this "occasional" babysitting is more like 20+ hours per week.

It's actually 4 hours one Saturday per month. I work opposite shifts to dh's so we rarely need help with the kids.

So why are you giving her free rent since you pay her for babysitting?

Because I know she can't afford rent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm actually of the opinion that the cousin-student is getting a good deal and should have helped. The main question to ask is whether OP would have hired an unrelated adult for the same role. The answer is probably not. Unfortunately, this happens when you try to mix family with business/babysitting.

I do think that OP should have had better planed for this time. It was probably clear that the cousin would not be helping -- there were probably many other occasions when a relative would have helped (but not employee), and she did not help.

I think the cousin showed her colors, that she treats this relationship more like a business one and not family. so, OP, you can behave the same towards her.

That's exactly how DH feels. And it's his cousin.

[Anonymous]

Nanny here- When my Boss lost baby #2 and needed to do a D&C (it was so awful, poor thing), I stayed and watched the kids for free and refused to let her add it to my pay. She did it anyways, but j was not expecting it and told her 100 times I would have helped for free. This boss is kind and caring and wonderful to work for. When she is rushing in the morning and can't make her bed, I always make it for her so she can come home and be relaxed. I always help out and she is always so very thankful. The family I worked for before this lovely woman was vile. Never said thank you and never appreciated anything, and always demanded and expected more and more beyond my job description. That family? I wouldn't have even washed their tea cup if I saw it in the sink. I think you really need to look at yourself and see why this roman purposely planned to leave this weekend after your surgery. This is about you, not her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny here- When my Boss lost baby #2 and needed to do a D&C (it was so awful, poor thing), I stayed and watched the kids for free and refused to let her add it to my pay. She did it anyways, but j was not expecting it and told her 100 times I would have helped for free. This boss is kind and caring and wonderful to work for. When she is rushing in the morning and can't make her bed, I always make it for her so she can come home and be relaxed. I always help out and she is always so very thankful. The family I worked for before this lovely woman was vile. Never said thank you and never appreciated anything, and always demanded and expected more and more beyond my job description. That family? I wouldn't have even washed their tea cup if I saw it in the sink. I think you really need to look at yourself and see why this roman purposely planned to leave this weekend after your surgery. This is about you, not her.

OP has not had surgery. She scheduled Surgery in OCTOBER for December. It should have been planned well in advance. The needed help.

Did you actually read any of the posts here??

[Anonymous]

Ummmm can you not read PP??? Nanny knew since October vile OP was having surgery so she purposely planned to leave. If my boss was vile (like you, since we all know this is op sock puppeting) I wouldnt have offered to work one extra minute. Go team nanny!! You are horrible and deserve nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ummmm can you not read PP??? Nanny knew since October vile OP was having surgery so she purposely planned to leave. If my boss was vile (like you, since we all know this is op sock puppeting) I wouldnt have offered to work one extra minute. Go team nanny!! You are horrible and deserve nothing.

Why am I vile?
We sponsored her student visa, she lives here rent free, we pay for her food and outings with our family, we pay her to clean and to watch te kids, we help her with homework.
Again, why am I vile?

[Anonymous]

NP here. I don't think you're vile, OP, but I do think you and the distant cousin have mismatched expectations of your living arrangement.

It sounds like you think you are very generous with her, providing free room and board and extras in return for...well, nothing if you pay her extra to clean or babysit. Personally, I think that is where you went wrong. Why are you paying extra for those things? That should be the exchange part. But you didn't do that, for whatever reason. Maybe because she is family, I don't know. Anyway. You do seem to think that due to your generosity, she should be thoughtful and offer to help during your recovery.

This isn't particularly unreasonable, but it clearly isn't in line with cousin's expectations. She has a sweet situation, free room and board and additional payment for anything else she does. The only motivation she would have to offer to help you for free is if she felt some strong familial bond with you. Or if she recognized what a sweet deal she has with you and knows it would be the kind and moral thing to do to help out when she has been given much in exchange for nothing.

But that's not your situation. You all have set up a non-exchange system and you can't expect her to read your mind or offer free help when you have all been operating under a different arrangement.

If this is a long term arrangement, you all should probably have a clearer conversation about what you expect. GL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I don't think you're vile, OP, but I do think you and the distant cousin have mismatched expectations of your living arrangement.

It sounds like you think you are very generous with her, providing free room and board and extras in return for...well, nothing if you pay her extra to clean or babysit. Personally, I think that is where you went wrong. Why are you paying extra for those things? That should be the exchange part. But you didn't do that, for whatever reason. Maybe because she is family, I don't know. Anyway. You do seem to think that due to your generosity, she should be thoughtful and offer to help during your recovery.

This isn't particularly unreasonable, but it clearly isn't in line with cousin's expectations. She has a sweet situation, free room and board and additional payment for anything else she does. The only motivation she would have to offer to help you for free is if she felt some strong familial bond with you. Or if she recognized what a sweet deal she has with you and knows it would be the kind and moral thing to do to help out when she has been given much in exchange for nothing.

But that's not your situation. You all have set up a non-exchange system and you can't expect her to read your mind or offer free help when you have all been operating under a different arrangement.

If this is a long term arrangement, you all should probably have a clearer conversation about what you expect. GL

Thanks PP. That's exactly where DH stands. We will talk as soon as she gets back from her trip. We added a line to our family plan so she could have a phone and it's time to start listing the benefits and ask what she expects, what her plans are for the new year, etc. I hope the conversation goes well.

[Anonymous]

If you treat her like family, as you say here, then of course, you are in your right to be upset. However, if you see yourself as her DB and MB (as you implied on the nanny forum), then as her employer, you needed to discuss her availability for this date prior to your surgery. Wishing you a speedy recovery.

[Anonymous]

Could it be that because your surgery was a hysterectomy, she thought you might need extra privacy? Maybe planned the trip away to give you time for yourself?