Am I overreacting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So this 34 yr old distant cousin lives with you for free. You pay for her food, outings/entertainment with your family, cell phone, and help her with her college homework and you get back nothing in return but pay her for occasional babysitting and house cleaning?!?

Why such an arrangement? She or her family treated a member of your husband's immediate family the same way? Your arrangement is so one sided that we have problems understanding it. You expect nothing from this person so it's not surprising she did not help you after you had major surgery.

She's family. In our culture we help family. She needed help, wants a better future so we gave her a hand. Obviously she's not being appreciative.

Honestly my hope was to be able to have her help me with childcare so I could go back to work FT but her schedule won't fit my work schedule.

OP, did she know that your goal was to have her help with childcare so so you could go back to work? If not, it's not fair for your to resent her when it didn't work out due to the schedule.

It also sounds like there was a lack of communication about expectations. You mentioned she watches your children for one weekend per month? That is not very much at all so she may not see herself in the care-giver support role that you do.

Regarding the original question of the post, I would have assumed you wanted privacy and left you alone because that is what I would want personally. Yes, she could have asked you to confirm but that may not be her style. If I were in your boat, about half of my family and friends would ask, and half would not and I would not resent them if they didn't ask.

It sounds like there are underlying issues though which are causing you to resent your relative. It sounds like you both have different sets of expectations for your current arrangement which need to be discussed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So this 34 yr old distant cousin lives with you for free. You pay for her food, outings/entertainment with your family, cell phone, and help her with her college homework and you get back nothing in return but pay her for occasional babysitting and house cleaning?!?

Why such an arrangement? She or her family treated a member of your husband's immediate family the same way? Your arrangement is so one sided that we have problems understanding it. You expect nothing from this person so it's not surprising she did not help you after you had major surgery.

She's family. In our culture we help family. She needed help, wants a better future so we gave her a hand. Obviously she's not being appreciative.

So you are giving to her expecting something in return.

When you give and don't expect anything back that's love. But if you give and expect a return it's an investment.

She may see this arrangement as helping family is out of love, but you clearly view it as an investment since you are expecting a return. Sounds like there are mismatched expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no need for name calling especially when hiding behind a computer. Just be civil ladies!!

It's the nannies. They are crazy and cannot stop proving it.
They really hate OP and love the moocher extended houseguest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man, I would never hire a nanny off dcum, they all sound like nut jobs. Hadn't checked out the from til now, given this tread came from there. Crazy.

1) OP got ripped a new one in both forums, because it is she who is being crazy.
2) This is not a nanny issue. OP doesn't have a nanny.
3) Not every DCUM nanny posted to that thread
4) Everyone here is self identified. There is no way to tell who is actually a nanny and who is a troll.

There you go again, nanny troll! Any more split personalities to post today?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So this 34 yr old distant cousin lives with you for free. You pay for her food, outings/entertainment with your family, cell phone, and help her with her college homework and you get back nothing in return but pay her for occasional babysitting and house cleaning?!?

Why such an arrangement? She or her family treated a member of your husband's immediate family the same way? Your arrangement is so one sided that we have problems understanding it. You expect nothing from this person so it's not surprising she did not help you after you had major surgery.

She's family. In our culture we help family. She needed help, wants a better future so we gave her a hand. Obviously she's not being appreciative.

Honestly my hope was to be able to have her help me with childcare so I could go back to work FT but her schedule won't fit my work schedule.

OP, did she know that your goal was to have her help with childcare so so you could go back to work? If not, it's not fair for your to resent her when it didn't work out due to the schedule.

It also sounds like there was a lack of communication about expectations. You mentioned she watches your children for one weekend per month? That is not very much at all so she may not see herself in the care-giver support role that you do.

Regarding the original question of the post, I would have assumed you wanted privacy and left you alone because that is what I would want personally. Yes, she could have asked you to confirm but that may not be her style. If I were in your boat, about half of my family and friends would ask, and half would not and I would not resent them if they didn't ask.

It sounds like there are underlying issues though which are causing you to resent your relative. It sounds like you both have different sets of expectations for your current arrangement which need to be discussed.

The deal from the beginning was to have live with us, we'd give her the phone, food, rent, and pay her very little money for 30 hours of childcare a week. She'd take classes on her time off and we'd pay for her tuition.
Turns out the school has a very specific schedule for her classes, she has no flexibility so I can't go back to work. Since we gave her our word we kept it. She got her part of the deal and we didn't get ours.
I guess you're right. The fact that she didn't offer to help is just one aspect of it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So this 34 yr old distant cousin lives with you for free. You pay for her food, outings/entertainment with your family, cell phone, and help her with her college homework and you get back nothing in return but pay her for occasional babysitting and house cleaning?!?

Why such an arrangement? She or her family treated a member of your husband's immediate family the same way? Your arrangement is so one sided that we have problems understanding it. You expect nothing from this person so it's not surprising she did not help you after you had major surgery.

She's family. In our culture we help family. She needed help, wants a better future so we gave her a hand. Obviously she's not being appreciative.

Honestly my hope was to be able to have her help me with childcare so I could go back to work FT but her schedule won't fit my work schedule.

OP, did she know that your goal was to have her help with childcare so so you could go back to work? If not, it's not fair for your to resent her when it didn't work out due to the schedule.

It also sounds like there was a lack of communication about expectations. You mentioned she watches your children for one weekend per month? That is not very much at all so she may not see herself in the care-giver support role that you do.

Regarding the original question of the post, I would have assumed you wanted privacy and left you alone because that is what I would want personally. Yes, she could have asked you to confirm but that may not be her style. If I were in your boat, about half of my family and friends would ask, and half would not and I would not resent them if they didn't ask.

It sounds like there are underlying issues though which are causing you to resent your relative. It sounds like you both have different sets of expectations for your current arrangement which need to be discussed.

The deal from the beginning was to have live with us, we'd give her the phone, food, rent, and pay her very little money for 30 hours of childcare a week. She'd take classes on her time off and we'd pay for her tuition.
Turns out the school has a very specific schedule for her classes, she has no flexibility so I can't go back to work. Since we gave her our word we kept it. She got her part of the deal and we didn't get ours.
I guess you're right. The fact that she didn't offer to help is just one aspect of it all.

You said you pay her $22/hour. Do you consider that to be very little money? I sure don't! Did something change from your original agreement about how much you would pay?

[Anonymous]

The $22/h is for occasional sitting. If she were to watch them on a regular basis we would pay around $9/hour since we already paid her tuition for the year.

[Anonymous]

And you pay her tuition!??!

You and your husband are wacko nuts. Good grief. Learn to draw the line and raise your own family, go back to work and stop fostering grown @ss distant relatives who are milking you dry.