Christmas present for hard to please MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

We are very different. I was taught to accept and embrace differences in people; and do not understand people who are so set in their ways, that everyone would ever be expected to be just like them. Apparently with MIL, it is either her way, or the highway. That strikes me as the wrong approach - especially for a grown adult whose family is growing in size.

I like to embrace people's differences. But "miserable", to me, is not something I am able to embrace. Nor is "abusive", which everyone (who) knows MIL (and certain siblings with her disposition) was to DH.

If you were raised to embrace differences, why aren't you accepting her for who she chooses to be? It doesn't matter if you think it right or wrong. It's her choice and you need to respect. She has clearly communicated to you that she's not interested in your gifts, your DH, you or your kids. Why can't you let it go? Why do you keep pursing this? And, she abused your DH? Get your ass to therapy and figure out what the fuck is wrong with you!

It is slightly frustrating dealing with a family that refuses therapy. One person can not move mountains. Have you tried? Were you successful? Do tell!

Do you "force" your DH to reject them entirely? Or do you try to "play nice" the once per year that you communicate? Can you answer any of this?

[Anonymous]

Go for the photo calendar and have a theme each year. One year put pictures of her in it with the kids, one year old pictures (like throw back Thursday), one year, special interests of hers. Only the calendar - nothing else.

You won't be sorry and it will be fun to work on with the kids as they get older. My kids put pics aside now to put in the calendars all year. It's a great family project and who gives a damn if your MIL doesn't like it. You'll like it.

[Anonymous]

It is slightly frustrating dealing with a family that refuses therapy. One person can not move mountains. Have you tried? Were you successful? Do tell!

Do you "force" your DH to reject them entirely? Or do you try to "play nice" the once per year that you communicate? Can you answer any of this?

I haven't heard anything that indicates his family needs therapy. Therapy for what? Not having the relationship with you and your DH that you desire? That's not their problem, that's your problem. You need to accept your MIL doesn't want the relationship you desire and you need to stop pushing it on your DH. If the current relationship bothers him, he should go to therapy to help him come to terms with it. If he was abused as you claim, he definitely should go because he's probably very conflicted (I speak from experience having been abused and having years of therapy). If you can't let it go, you should go to therapy to figure out why you can't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It is slightly frustrating dealing with a family that refuses therapy. One person can not move mountains. Have you tried? Were you successful? Do tell!

Do you "force" your DH to reject them entirely? Or do you try to "play nice" the once per year that you communicate? Can you answer any of this?

I haven't heard anything that indicates his family needs therapy. Therapy for what? Not having the relationship with you and your DH that you desire? That's not their problem, that's your problem. You need to accept your MIL doesn't want the relationship you desire and you need to stop pushing it on your DH. If the current relationship bothers him, he should go to therapy to help him come to terms with it. If he was abused as you claim, he definitely should go because he's probably very conflicted (I speak from experience having been abused and having years of therapy). If you can't let it go, you should go to therapy to figure out why you can't.

Yeah, I have a problem with how my DH was treated by his family. Sue me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would totally not worry about it at all. When someone is impossible to please, I stop trying to please them because they don't WANT to be pleased. Don't spend a lot of time or money or agida on her. Buy her a nice light blue cashmere sweater from LL Bean or something, and think nothing more of it.

People like her don't get any space in my head.

Listen to this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would totally not worry about it at all. When someone is impossible to please, I stop trying to please them because they don't WANT to be pleased. Don't spend a lot of time or money or agida on her. Buy her a nice light blue cashmere sweater from LL Bean or something, and think nothing more of it.

People like her don't get any space in my head.

Listen to this.

OP here. I agree with this. I don't even think that FIL has ever once given her a gift of any kind. Not even a hand made card. Not one flower. Nothing. I know she does not feel valued, and likely wants us to feel the same. I want to feel bad for her, because her life sucks, but then she is such a nasty human being.

Chicken or the egg, I wonder. It is intriguing to me. I guess I have never met anyone with such a depressing life. Clearly I want to know more how to handle it, though I realize some posters are saying simply to NOT handle it, which I totally understand. Their reactions (aggression toward strangers - presumably MILs responding to DILs) are humorous, as I have not said anything to MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It is slightly frustrating dealing with a family that refuses therapy. One person can not move mountains. Have you tried? Were you successful? Do tell!

Do you "force" your DH to reject them entirely? Or do you try to "play nice" the once per year that you communicate? Can you answer any of this?

I haven't heard anything that indicates his family needs therapy. Therapy for what? Not having the relationship with you and your DH that you desire? That's not their problem, that's your problem. You need to accept your MIL doesn't want the relationship you desire and you need to stop pushing it on your DH. If the current relationship bothers him, he should go to therapy to help him come to terms with it. If he was abused as you claim, he definitely should go because he's probably very conflicted (I speak from experience having been abused and having years of therapy). If you can't let it go, you should go to therapy to figure out why you can't.

Yeah, I have a problem with how my DH was treated by his family. Sue me.

Therapy would help you. I know it's difficult to accept but the problem isn't your ILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It is slightly frustrating dealing with a family that refuses therapy. One person can not move mountains. Have you tried? Were you successful? Do tell!

Do you "force" your DH to reject them entirely? Or do you try to "play nice" the once per year that you communicate? Can you answer any of this?

I haven't heard anything that indicates his family needs therapy. Therapy for what? Not having the relationship with you and your DH that you desire? That's not their problem, that's your problem. You need to accept your MIL doesn't want the relationship you desire and you need to stop pushing it on your DH. If the current relationship bothers him, he should go to therapy to help him come to terms with it. If he was abused as you claim, he definitely should go because he's probably very conflicted (I speak from experience having been abused and having years of therapy). If you can't let it go, you should go to therapy to figure out why you can't.

Yeah, I have a problem with how my DH was treated by his family. Sue me.

Therapy would help you. I know it's difficult to accept but the problem isn't your ILs.

The deflecting MIL rears her ugly head!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would totally not worry about it at all. When someone is impossible to please, I stop trying to please them because they don't WANT to be pleased. Don't spend a lot of time or money or agida on her. Buy her a nice light blue cashmere sweater from LL Bean or something, and think nothing more of it.

People like her don't get any space in my head.

Listen to this.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

We are very different. I was taught to accept and embrace differences in people; and do not understand people who are so set in their ways, that everyone would ever be expected to be just like them. Apparently with MIL, it is either her way, or the highway. That strikes me as the wrong approach - especially for a grown adult whose family is growing in size.

I like to embrace people's differences. But "miserable", to me, is not something I am able to embrace. Nor is "abusive", [u]which everyone (who) knows MIL (and certain siblings with her disposition) was to DH.

If you were raised to embrace differences, why aren't you accepting her for who she chooses to be? It doesn't matter if you think it right or wrong. It's her choice and you need to respect. She has clearly communicated to you that she's not interested in your gifts, your DH, you or your kids. Why can't you let it go? Why do you keep pursing this? And, she abused your DH? Get your ass to therapy and figure out what the fuck is wrong with you!

Understandably.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sad for you. I know it hurts you not to be included by DH's family, especially his MIL.

I agree with everyone else here, that you should stop trying. Send her beautiful flowers with a card for Christmas and for holidays. Then back away and move on with your life by fillling it with people who enjoy your company and vice versa. You have nothing to win except the passive aggressive joy of this woman by continuing to play. Be classy, but completely and totally distant.

I'd go with flowers for Christmas and her birthday. Attend funerals and great her formally as needed. Go if you are invited, but never ask. I think you will find everyone will be happier. Please find some therapy for this and save your mental energy for battles that matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am sad for you. I know it hurts you not to be included by DH's family, especially his MIL.

I agree with everyone else here, that you should stop trying. Send her beautiful flowers with a card for Christmas and for holidays. Then back away and move on with your life by fillling it with people who enjoy your company and vice versa. You have nothing to win except the passive aggressive joy of this woman by continuing to play. Be classy, but completely and totally distant.

I'd go with flowers for Christmas and her birthday. Attend funerals and great her formally as needed. Go if you are invited, but never ask. I think you will find everyone will be happier. Please find some therapy for this and save your mental energy for battles that matter.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go for the photo calendar and have a theme each year. One year put pictures of her in it with the kids, one year old pictures (like throw back Thursday), one year, special interests of hers. Only the calendar - nothing else.

You won't be sorry and it will be fun to work on with the kids as they get older. My kids put pics aside now to put in the calendars all year. It's a great family project and who gives a damn if your MIL doesn't like it. You'll like it.

This is what we do and all we do. We could buy ILs the expensive clothing they like, but it would be a significant expense for us. Whereas they can and do just head into REI or Nordstrom to buy what they want, as much as they want, and to entertain themselves.

[Anonymous]

Once your kids move out you spend time paring down, getting rid of excess clutter. You don't have a family to cook/care for. You just want to keep things organized and simple.

With this in mind, I would suggest one of those single serving tea or coffee machines. Gift certificates to a favorite store. Theater tickets. Hotel gift cards. And nice, fluffy bath towels and soft, luxurious sheet sets.

[Anonymous]

The important thing is to do something that is fun for your family and pleases you. Something that you look forward to making/assembling. Then screw her if she doesn't like it.