Christmas present for hard to please MIL

[Anonymous]

Tell me if I'm understanding this: OP is trying to find the perfect gift for her MIL. Her MIL abused OP's DH when he was growing up. MIL cherishes the relationship she has with her DDs and their families. OP's ILs have deliberating snubbed their brother/son's family. MIL has never cared for OP's kids and 'recycles' gifts the kids have made for her. MIL has told OP she doesn't need any gifts and has made it clear she doesn't like anything OP has given her. OP pushes her DH to have a relationship with his family even though they have indicated they really don't want one. OP feels she must get a gift for her MIL because.....? I couldn't find that anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This may sound strange, but some people HATE gifts. I do. Yeah, weird, I know. But here is the gift: expensive, they went to a lot of trouble, they want me to like it, love it thank them, find a place for it in my home, reciprocate, praise them, use it, talk about it, write a thank you note, buy them a gift, do all the same things they just did for me. No, thanks!! Can we just skip this part??

+2. Sometimes the gifts are more about the giver than the recipient.

[Anonymous]

I don't stress when I get gifts for my MIL, to be honest. Even if I know for a fact she didn't like what she got. I have better things to worry about. It's the thought that counts, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This may sound strange, but some people HATE gifts. I do. Yeah, weird, I know. But here is the gift: expensive, they went to a lot of trouble, they want me to like it, love it thank them, find a place for it in my home, reciprocate, praise them, use it, talk about it, write a thank you note, buy them a gift, do all the same things they just did for me. No, thanks!! Can we just skip this part??

+2. Sometimes the gifts are more about the giver than the recipient.

OP here. I need to get over that she gushes about her daughter's (they are an "extension" of her, in her self centered mind) gifts, but we are only good if she needs something. She's never going to gush about us, period. Anything to show "disapproval" - real or imagined. Thanks to those who have been through it, too.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I forgot to add - if it was up to DH, NO ONE (including me) would get ANYTHING, seriously. He is much like his dad in that way.

[Anonymous]

a photobook, some fancy bottles of wine, a fancy white or pale blue robe. done. don't stress over this..don't expect her gratitude she clearly has issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell me if I'm understanding this: OP is trying to find the perfect gift for her MIL. Her MIL abused OP's DH when he was growing up. MIL cherishes the relationship she has with her DDs and their families. OP's ILs have deliberating snubbed their brother/son's family. MIL has never cared for OP's kids and 'recycles' gifts the kids have made for her. MIL has told OP she doesn't need any gifts and has made it clear she doesn't like anything OP has given her. OP pushes her DH to have a relationship with his family even though they have indicated they really don't want one. OP feels she must get a gift for her MIL because.....? I couldn't find that anywhere.

This. Your MIL is never going to show you any appreciation or kindness. Nothing you do or give her is going to add to her happiness, and trying to find something is wearing you down.

STOP. Stop buying her stuff. If you really need to give her something, donate to Heifer (present for someone who will appreciate it!) and then give her a Christmas ornament of the animal you got. She can either hang it on her tree and make snotty comments for years to come, or she can donate it/throw it away, and you won't care as much because it's only $5 wasted.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand someone, who is close as immediate family as you can get, actually rejecting their blood and his family. What kind of cold blooded, mean spirited, selfish, self centered person acts this way? Its all about her (MIL)? Is this an acceptable way for grown adults to act?

I would rather be dead, than to be so miserable and unaccepting to my own blood and the family he created.

Saying you "accept/support (whatever that means)" family - is VERY different than *showing* you accept family. I could understand if they were total strangers off the street, but his woman shows total strangers more reverence. Disgusting.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry but from what I read I wouldn't spend a single more dollar on that woman. If she is that openly ungrateful and different to you than her daughters...stop it. Stop begging for her love. It's pretty sad. Have your kids make something for her and you can give her something small as nothing ill make a difference either.

And quite honestly: the only way to ever break this cycle is to meet up with her and talk about it. How inconvenient and stressful, I know. I've had my share of difficult in laws. But open communication is the ONLY thing that ever makes a true difference. So. Either you really want to change the relationship, then talk to her about it. Or you just want an easy way out of the gift problem, then just call her up and ask "Hey MIL, since our gifts never seem to hit the right nerve with ya, anything on your mind for this year that would make you really happy?" Best thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please don't stress over this. Life is too short.

Seriously. Let it go. Get her nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but from what I read I wouldn't spend a single more dollar on that woman. If she is that openly ungrateful and different to you than her daughters...stop it. Stop begging for her love. It's pretty sad. Have your kids make something for her and you can give her something small as nothing ill make a difference either.

And quite honestly: the only way to ever break this cycle is to meet up with her and talk about it. How inconvenient and stressful, I know. I've had my share of difficult in laws. But open communication is the ONLY thing that ever makes a true difference. So. Either you really want to change the relationship, then talk to her about it. Or you just want an easy way out of the gift problem, then just call her up and ask "Hey MIL, since our gifts never seem to hit the right nerve with ya, anything on your mind for this year that would make you really happy?" Best thing to do.

+1

will also add if you don't want to have the conversation with her. Do as a PP mentioned purchase a shutterfly calendar, the run about $20 and call it a day. IF she's ungrateful for everything, don't waste your energy or your money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand someone, who is close as immediate family as you can get, actually rejecting their blood and his family. What kind of cold blooded, mean spirited, selfish, self centered person acts this way? Its all about her (MIL)? Is this an acceptable way for grown adults to act?

I would rather be dead, than to be so miserable and unaccepting to my own blood and the family he created.

Saying you "accept/support (whatever that means)" family - is VERY different than *showing* you accept family. I could understand if they were total strangers off the street, but his woman shows total strangers more reverence. Disgusting.

+1

MIL has got to hate herself, for being such a terrible person.

[Anonymous]

Op, I think you need to let her go. Stop owning the effort. Your DH can make the effort. You can support him, but don't own this.
I like the idea of flowers. Better yet, send them via mail for delivery when you are NOT there. She can react any way she wants, you don't have to watch it.
Also like the idea of a Giant gift card or Amazon gift card.

[Anonymous]

PS, maybe there is something you don't know and can't understand about your MIL and DH. Maybe he reminds her of a hated relative (her dad for example). Maybe it was an unwanted pregnancy. Maybe her husband doted on him so she compensated by doting on the girls. Whatever. What I'm saying is he should not own her rejection of him. She may have motives he can never understand - maybe she will never understand them herself!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PS, maybe there is something you don't know and can't understand about your MIL and DH. Maybe he reminds her of a hated relative (her dad for example). Maybe it was an unwanted pregnancy. Maybe her husband doted on him so she compensated by doting on the girls. Whatever. What I'm saying is he should not own her rejection of him. She may have motives he can never understand - maybe she will never understand them herself!

She needs professional help, especially if she had more children than she could handle. Her problems are hers to own, no one else's. It is up to her to be a grown up and handle her own "matters", or at the very least, NOT take it out on her children. It is not her sons's fault. It certainly is not the new DIL's fault.

The MIL needs to grow up. Isn't she supposed to be the older and wiser one? She's doing a horrible job. Perhaps she is hoping no one notices, if only one of her sons is married (one DIL), or something like that? She is not very smart.