marriage crumbling, I'm just so sad tonight, need to vent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I haven't been able to get you out of my mind the past few days--I really hope the messages in this thread have steeled your resolve to at the very least stand up for yourself and to see that your husband's demands are way out of line. I wouldn't want to tell you what to do about the marriage (though if I did, I'd say get the heck out of there!), but one way or the other, I'm hoping that this thread did some good. From your follow-up, it sounds like it, but you should come back and re-read any time you feel your resolve flagging.

Yes, this thread has been very helpful. I have come back to read it a few times. I appreciate all the I insight I was given.

[Anonymous]

OP, NP here. I'm hoping for the best for you! You deserve to feel loved and valued. I suspect you'll find both once he is no longer in your daily life.

[Anonymous]

OP, how are you? I have been thinking about you and hoping you are ok.

[Anonymous]

Maybe your family should take a vacation together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have sex 4-6x a week and he's upset that your drive is low? I'm confused.

Me too - I don't get it. You have sex or give BJ's almost every freaking day and he's "not satisfied?" WTF?! Is he a sex addict? It sounds like he is. It sounds like you couldn't satisfy him if you f-d him 5 times a day. Either he's a sex addict, or he's wishing he was single, not because of you, but because he's a self-centered jerk off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do have times of anger, and yes I do think my husband has terribly high expectations. Of course there are issues I didn't get into, I'm not claiming I'm a perfect wife in any way, he does have some legitimate complaints, but this is my thread to complain and vent, not his.

Yes, we really have sex 4-6x a week, possibly more at times. I don't think his complaint is that's not enough as much as my work interferes with him being able to have sex every day. I don't know, sometimes I don't even get it and I've heard his spiel many times. And God forbid I get my period, he takes that as a personal insult. My BJs are good, I don't finish him every time but it's not just "kissing the tip". But in general his desires are for an "anything goes" kind of woman, one who doesn't object to whatever he comes up, anal, sex outside, threesome, etc. I don't have that in me...yes we've tried it all but I didn't say yes quick enough to these suggestions or often enough for my "yesses" to matter. He just remembers I said no at first and forgets he got what he wanted in the end. Me saying no at first takes the fun out of it.

I know counseling and therapy would be helpful. He will not go. I haven't gotten my courage up for individual counseling. I know that sounds dumb and weak. I know I sound pretty pathetic in my posts. There is a lot of mutual resentments between us. I firmly believe we could get past it and work things out. I have zero desire to start over, attempt to coparent, etc. He wants the opportunity to have the sex life I've described above.

Oh boy - I just read this and yes, he is a sex addict. I would ask him to get treatment or end the marriage. Im so sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

And now my DH is wondering - when your DH brings a 3rd person to your threesomes, is it a man or a woman? He's very serious.

[Anonymous]

OP your husband sounds so incredibly immature and spoiled. You do know in the average marriage people have sex 1-2x per week (or something like that). You're contributing 50/50 financially and he's not doing any housework? Tell him to wash his own clothes and do the dinner dishes at least. FYI antidepressants, especially SSRIs, can kill your sex drive. That'll make meeting his requirements even more difficult. Maybe if you could convince him that he's depressed and needs an SSRI this would get his sex drive in check. Seems to me you need a *therapist*, not a drug, who can help you assert yourself and figure out your own needs and how to have them met. You will find happiness OP. He won't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Sorry, but I'm just not buying what you're selling. No way you give that many bj's and sex a week. If so, he'd be plenty happy.

BTW, what do you consider a BJ ...... just softly kissing the dick head for a minute ? If so, a BJ isn't a BJ if he doesn't get to cum in your mouth half the time.
What's the real sex issues ? You're not being honest here.

You are a jerk and crude to boot.

I don't know. Her statement of lots of BJs and sex multiple times a week sounds thrown in to make it all sound like she's being the good wife ("see? I say I do multiple BJs...")

Purely addressing what your husband says as low libido, like the last guy said who got slammed, it's not the quantity of see but the quality. Men can tell when a woman is having sex for the sake of having sex rather than really wanting it (with him).

That said, sounds like there's much more going on than just sex.

[Anonymous]

where are you op??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do have times of anger, and yes I do think my husband has terribly high expectations. Of course there are issues I didn't get into, I'm not claiming I'm a perfect wife in any way, he does have some legitimate complaints, but this is my thread to complain and vent, not his.

Yes, we really have sex 4-6x a week, possibly more at times. I don't think his complaint is that's not enough as much as my work interferes with him being able to have sex every day. I don't know, sometimes I don't even get it and I've heard his spiel many times. And God forbid I get my period, he takes that as a personal insult. My BJs are good, I don't finish him every time but it's not just "kissing the tip". But in general his desires are for an "anything goes" kind of woman, one who doesn't object to whatever he comes up, anal, sex outside, threesome, etc. I don't have that in me...yes we've tried it all but I didn't say yes quick enough to these suggestions or often enough for my "yesses" to matter. He just remembers I said no at first and forgets he got what he wanted in the end. Me saying no at first takes the fun out of it.

I know counseling and therapy would be helpful. He will not go. I haven't gotten my courage up for individual counseling. I know that sounds dumb and weak. I know I sound pretty pathetic in my posts. There is a lot of mutual resentments between us. I firmly believe we could get past it and work things out. I have zero desire to start over, attempt to coparent, etc. He wants the opportunity to have the sex life I've described above.

I've been thinking about this the last few days. Internet porn, strip clubs, etc, have become so mainstream that men actually feel we're supposed to entertain them in the bedroom. I'd literally have to be an entertainer, I mean really put on a show -- make the booty clap, masturbate in front of a guy, BJs, anal sex, threesomes, etc, to be in a relationship. As a single mom it's too much for me, and I wouldn't have wanted to do all that before I became a mom.

I have to exercise and stay ripped, wear heels and lingerie everyday, keep my hair done, rip the hair from my body's most sensitive areas, work a full time job, cook great meals, clean the house, be a great mom, be interested in whatever my man/partner is interested in, PLUS be down to put on a show and have sex 5-6X a week whenever my boyfriend is ready for that?? Really? It's impossible, something has to give somewhere.

Society places highly unrealistic expectations on women in relationships and almost none on men. We're responsible for every element of happiness in the relationship, if something isn't right or the guys strays it's because of something we did or didn't do, no agency for the man whatsoever.

It's really disheartening and sad, and it's everywhere. I'd bet you anything even Beyoncé made that nasty-up CD 'cause JZ made some comment that she wasn't sexy enough for him after becoming a mom, and she felt like she had something to prove. Just sad.

I know none of this particularly helps the OP, but I don't think she's alone, by any stretch. I think her situation is becoming the norm.

[Anonymous]

I think that OP's DH is some kind of sadist. Nothing she ever does will be enough. She'll realize it the moment she's not with a lunatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have sex 4-6x a week and he's upset that your drive is low? I'm confused.

Me too - I don't get it. You have sex or give BJ's almost every freaking day and he's "not satisfied?" WTF?! Is he a sex addict? It sounds like he is. It sounds like you couldn't satisfy him if you f-d him 5 times a day. Either he's a sex addict, or he's wishing he was single, not because of you, but because he's a self-centered jerk off.

Wow he does sound like a self-centered jerk if he is not satisfied -- 4-6x a week!!

[Anonymous]

I also felt like something in my wife changed after we had children. I regret not being more patient and understanding because it destroyed our relationship. Looking back on it, I don't think that me realize the difficulties that women face in terms of putting careers second in order to take time off, the new challenges of managing life (which men have to, but not in the same way). I hope for your sake that your husband realizes this before it is too late.