S/o designations. What should my kids call my horrible step mother?

[Anonymous]

Please do not use the dignified title, 'Grandmother' to describe this wretch. This title is not for such a creature.

I insist that you introduce her as "Mrs. ____" .

Deepest empathy and love to you, dear OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious, what other things did your stepmom do over the years to create this issue? My stepkids didn't attend our wedding (it was destination with no kids) but I would hope that this wouldn't scar them. They only saw DH a couple of times a year at the time. Now that we have our own child it is a struggle to balance our everyday life and the times that they are with us - things to include them in, things that we can do on our own, etc. I am constantly looking at the calendar to figure out what dates work for visiting my family or things we can do while we're all together. Getting invited to events for our toddler during their weekends with us is also a problem as they're 10-11 years older and either aren't invited or wouldn't want to go. Struggling to include them as it can't always be done.

Well you sound like you are not an evil step mother, but you did sort of start off on the wrong foot by excluding them from their own father's wedding. Surely you could have picked some other venue that accommodated children. As for now, just simplify your life when they are with you. Your toddler does not need to go to "events" that would require excluding the older kid. Or you go with the toddler and let your DH have alone time with his kids.

Definitely don't want to be an evil step mother. By events I mean birthday parties of kids his age, etc. When he starts school he'll likely play soccer or other sports that will continue to require our time - or are things that DH will want to do with him and not me. I'm supportive of stepkids having alone time with dad, but it sucks to separate every other weekend with me chasing after toddler and taking him to activities or park, library, whatever (staying home all day with an active kid is not an option)and not behave as we normally do - go to swim class together and then have breakfast with other families in the class for example. Hard to find things we can all do together and I predict it will get harder as they become teenagers - though most teenagers don't want to spend time with their parents anyway.

Oh it sucks to have to change your schedule when your DH's kids are around? Cry me a river. Should have thought about that before marrying a man with children. Watch yourself carefully bc you have just the right amount of entitlement and thinly disguised resentment to be an evil stepmother in the making.

OP here.

1) I think we're going to go by her first name, as many PPs have suggested.

2) To the stepmom PP above - here's the thing to remember: Your step children came first. You didn't marry just a man, you married a man AND HIS CHILDREN. They deserve a room to sleep in in your house and to be as much a part of your family as your own child is. As you look at your own child, would you want that child to be shut out of his father's life because it was inconvenient? It really is your husband's job to fight for them (mine never did) but if he's not willing to put them first, then you should take up the mantel. The more inclusive you can be, the better your relationship will be and the happier everyone will be - including your DS who probably loves hanging with his siblings!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious, what other things did your stepmom do over the years to create this issue? My stepkids didn't attend our wedding (it was destination with no kids) but I would hope that this wouldn't scar them. They only saw DH a couple of times a year at the time. Now that we have our own child it is a struggle to balance our everyday life and the times that they are with us - things to include them in, things that we can do on our own, etc. I am constantly looking at the calendar to figure out what dates work for visiting my family or things we can do while we're all together. Getting invited to events for our toddler during their weekends with us is also a problem as they're 10-11 years older and either aren't invited or wouldn't want to go. Struggling to include them as it can't always be done.

Well you sound like you are not an evil step mother, but you did sort of start off on the wrong foot by excluding them from their own father's wedding. Surely you could have picked some other venue that accommodated children. As for now, just simplify your life when they are with you. Your toddler does not need to go to "events" that would require excluding the older kid. Or you go with the toddler and let your DH have alone time with his kids.

Definitely don't want to be an evil step mother. By events I mean birthday parties of kids his age, etc. When he starts school he'll likely play soccer or other sports that will continue to require our time - or are things that DH will want to do with him and not me. I'm supportive of stepkids having alone time with dad, but it sucks to separate every other weekend with me chasing after toddler and taking him to activities or park, library, whatever (staying home all day with an active kid is not an option)and not behave as we normally do - go to swim class together and then have breakfast with other families in the class for example. Hard to find things we can all do together and I predict it will get harder as they become teenagers - though most teenagers don't want to spend time with their parents anyway.

Oh it sucks to have to change your schedule when your DH's kids are around? Cry me a river. Should have thought about that before marrying a man with children. Watch yourself carefully bc you have just the right amount of entitlement and thinly disguised resentment to be an evil stepmother in the making.

Agree. Please think about how you would want your child to be treated by his/her father if you divorced him and take steps to make sure you and your spouse do the same for your spouse's other children. I can't believe someone with children would have a "no children" wedding, completely outrageous.

Many teens DO want to spend time with their parents, BTW, although it won't surprise me to hear that your step-kids don't.

[Anonymous]

To the stepmom poster-

You already sound like an evil stepmother not one in the making. I realize that to be a good stepmom you have to make big sacrifices and not everyone is willing/capable of handling that particularly if the dad is a dolt himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious, what other things did your stepmom do over the years to create this issue? My stepkids didn't attend our wedding (it was destination with no kids) but I would hope that this wouldn't scar them. They only saw DH a couple of times a year at the time. Now that we have our own child it is a struggle to balance our everyday life and the times that they are with us - things to include them in, things that we can do on our own, etc. I am constantly looking at the calendar to figure out what dates work for visiting my family or things we can do while we're all together. Getting invited to events for our toddler during their weekends with us is also a problem as they're 10-11 years older and either aren't invited or wouldn't want to go. Struggling to include them as it can't always be done.

Well you sound like you are not an evil step mother, but you did sort of start off on the wrong foot by excluding them from their own father's wedding. Surely you could have picked some other venue that accommodated children. As for now, just simplify your life when they are with you. Your toddler does not need to go to "events" that would require excluding the older kid. Or you go with the toddler and let your DH have alone time with his kids.

Definitely don't want to be an evil step mother. By events I mean birthday parties of kids his age, etc. When he starts school he'll likely play soccer or other sports that will continue to require our time - or are things that DH will want to do with him and not me. I'm supportive of stepkids having alone time with dad, but it sucks to separate every other weekend with me chasing after toddler and taking him to activities or park, library, whatever (staying home all day with an active kid is not an option)and not behave as we normally do - go to swim class together and then have breakfast with other families in the class for example. Hard to find things we can all do together and I predict it will get harder as they become teenagers - though most teenagers don't want to spend time with their parents anyway.

I'm a stepmom (my bonus is now an adult), but I'm not understanding what the issue is. If all the kids lived together all the time, what would you do? Why can't the other kids just come to swim class and breakfast. The point is to operate as a family, so you do what families do, which means not every event is geared to EVERY one.
And I must say...yea on the destination wedding...we had one... and no kids were allowed at the resort, but my bonus was 16 (the minimum age). Otherwise, we would have done something else.

I'm this pp and I want to say I was not trying to come down on you, just wanted to point out that you are over-thinking it. Honestly, that comes from being a new mom, your kid is a toddler and at this point it seems like everything is about the little one. At some point, you realize, 'meh, not so much'. In other words, everyone can go with the flow and no one will get hurt.

Thanks. I'm sure I am over thinking things. I've never been so close to a divorce and seeing how hard having two separate homes is on kids. Their experience is so much different than that of an intact home (especially since DH was only married to their mom for 2 years - 1 year after first kid was born and then divorced when second kid was born). I just don't want to make things worse for them but it is hard sometimes to run our family of 3 and then twice a month 5.

It is very easy to bash the stepmom, and sometimes stepmoms are to blame, but if the dad didn't care about the kids being at the wedding, kids never had a stable intact home experience, and the fact that he only sees them a few times a year, it doesn't sound like they were ever much of a family to begin with. Stepmoms can only work with what they've got. Sure, they can try to make things better and not add to the hurt, but the dad never had 50/50 custody doesn't seem to have fought for more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious, what other things did your stepmom do over the years to create this issue? My stepkids didn't attend our wedding (it was destination with no kids) but I would hope that this wouldn't scar them. They only saw DH a couple of times a year at the time. Now that we have our own child it is a struggle to balance our everyday life and the times that they are with us - things to include them in, things that we can do on our own, etc. I am constantly looking at the calendar to figure out what dates work for visiting my family or things we can do while we're all together. Getting invited to events for our toddler during their weekends with us is also a problem as they're 10-11 years older and either aren't invited or wouldn't want to go. Struggling to include them as it can't always be done.

Well you sound like you are not an evil step mother, but you did sort of start off on the wrong foot by excluding them from their own father's wedding. Surely you could have picked some other venue that accommodated children. As for now, just simplify your life when they are with you. Your toddler does not need to go to "events" that would require excluding the older kid. Or you go with the toddler and let your DH have alone time with his kids.

Definitely don't want to be an evil step mother. By events I mean birthday parties of kids his age, etc. When he starts school he'll likely play soccer or other sports that will continue to require our time - or are things that DH will want to do with him and not me. I'm supportive of stepkids having alone time with dad, but it sucks to separate every other weekend with me chasing after toddler and taking him to activities or park, library, whatever (staying home all day with an active kid is not an option)and not behave as we normally do - go to swim class together and then have breakfast with other families in the class for example. Hard to find things we can all do together and I predict it will get harder as they become teenagers - though most teenagers don't want to spend time with their parents anyway.

I'm a stepmom (my bonus is now an adult), but I'm not understanding what the issue is. If all the kids lived together all the time, what would you do? Why can't the other kids just come to swim class and breakfast. The point is to operate as a family, so you do what families do, which means not every event is geared to EVERY one.
And I must say...yea on the destination wedding...we had one... and no kids were allowed at the resort, but my bonus was 16 (the minimum age). Otherwise, we would have done something else.

I'm this pp and I want to say I was not trying to come down on you, just wanted to point out that you are over-thinking it. Honestly, that comes from being a new mom, your kid is a toddler and at this point it seems like everything is about the little one. At some point, you realize, 'meh, not so much'. In other words, everyone can go with the flow and no one will get hurt.

Thanks. I'm sure I am over thinking things. I've never been so close to a divorce and seeing how hard having two separate homes is on kids. Their experience is so much different than that of an intact home (especially since DH was only married to their mom for 2 years - 1 year after first kid was born and then divorced when second kid was born). I just don't want to make things worse for them but it is hard sometimes to run our family of 3 and then twice a month 5.

It is very easy to bash the stepmom, and sometimes stepmoms are to blame, but if the dad didn't care about the kids being at the wedding, kids never had a stable intact home experience, and the fact that he only sees them a few times a year, it doesn't sound like they were ever much of a family to begin with. Stepmoms can only work with what they've got. Sure, they can try to make things better and not add to the hurt, but the dad never had 50/50 custody doesn't seem to have fought for more.

Which leads us to one of life's great mysteries: why would a woman marry and have children with a man who doesn't seem to care about the children he already has?

[Anonymous]

PP- you raise a good point. Not OP but my dad is a dolt and so if I put myself in my stepmom's position, it would be hard to be generous towards a stepdaughter when the father treats his daughter poorly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP- you raise a good point. Not OP but my dad is a dolt and so if I put myself in my stepmom's position, it would be hard to be generous towards a stepdaughter when the father treats his daughter poorly.

(I'm the OP posing one of life's great questions about why women choose to procreate with men who have proven themselves to be bad fathers.)

Well, I dunno, don't give your stepmom too much credit. If she were a better person, she would actually have been *more* generous towards a child whose own father was treating her poorly. Of course, if she were a better person, she probably would have steered clear of an ass who treated his children poorly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP- you raise a good point. Not OP but my dad is a dolt and so if I put myself in my stepmom's position, it would be hard to be generous towards a stepdaughter when the father treats his daughter poorly.

(I'm the OP posing one of life's great questions about why women choose to procreate with men who have proven themselves to be bad fathers.)

Well, I dunno, don't give your stepmom too much credit. If she were a better person, she would actually have been *more* generous towards a child whose own father was treating her poorly. Of course, if she were a better person, she probably would have steered clear of an ass who treated his children poorly.

In my case, DH was 22, got girlfriend of 6 months pregnant. Tried to do the right thing by marrying her and it didn't work out. Sometimes doing the "right thing" isn't the "best thing". They divorced within a year. She is difficult, from a different culture, doesn't let him have a say in much of the child's affairs. She moved across country so he didn't get to see kid much. He went to college, worked on his career and tried to be a good person and a good of a dad as he could by at least providing for the child and seeing her when allowed. Now flash forward 12 years, we're in our 30s, make good salaries, he is a decent and responsible person but will always pay for his irresponsibility in the past. He loves his child, provides for her and tries to be there, but some bio moms make it difficult. And at the end of the day, they are very different. Different upbringing, different values. When stepchild is with us it is more like babysitting. This doesn't make DH a deadbeat dad or a bad person. He will always have to live with his poor choices and try to do right by the innocent child but also deserves to have a life and enjoy his success, wife, child that is in the home full time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP- you raise a good point. Not OP but my dad is a dolt and so if I put myself in my stepmom's position, it would be hard to be generous towards a stepdaughter when the father treats his daughter poorly.

(I'm the OP posing one of life's great questions about why women choose to procreate with men who have proven themselves to be bad fathers.)

Well, I dunno, don't give your stepmom too much credit. If she were a better person, she would actually have been *more* generous towards a child whose own father was treating her poorly. Of course, if she were a better person, she probably would have steered clear of an ass who treated his children poorly.

Who knows what stories he has told my stepmom? I'd like to say my dad is a pathological liar but I actually believe he really believes the stuff he makes up. My stepmom is no angel, because as you said if she had been one she would never have married my father and from what I can see she also has shallow emotions in other areas not just when it comes to me. Ugh!

[Anonymous]

OP- It's me with the dolt dad again. I just wanted to say that I think the silver lining for me is that I appreciate my relationship with my husband and kids so much because I have gone through so much hurt. I know what a parent can do to hurt a child and the impact that what they do/fail to do can have and I'll do anything to avoid that. I bet you feel the same way. Hopefully, our kids will say they have the BEST mom .

[Anonymous]

"Grandpa's wife, Mrs. Lastname." Or, if your kids are really young, just "Mrs. Lastname." And then whisk them away from her ASAP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just curious, what other things did your stepmom do over the years to create this issue? My stepkids didn't attend our wedding (it was destination with no kids) but I would hope that this wouldn't scar them. They only saw DH a couple of times a year at the time. Now that we have our own child it is a struggle to balance our everyday life and the times that they are with us - things to include them in, things that we can do on our own, etc. I am constantly looking at the calendar to figure out what dates work for visiting my family or things we can do while we're all together. Getting invited to events for our toddler during their weekends with us is also a problem as they're 10-11 years older and either aren't invited or wouldn't want to go. Struggling to include them as it can't always be done.

You do what other families with kids in a wide age range do. You find ways to make it work. Split up parenting duties, get a sitter, go to the toddler party for a shorter period of time. Call your friend and tell them it's a package deal. Can't be done? Looks like you have to do something... wait for it.... as a FAMILY that day.

Yes, I get it, it seriously limits your flexibility to do what YOU want to do because you have to find ways to accommodate your step kids. It is all about YOU Stepmom. Stepkids aren't invited? Oh how horrible to have to constantly look at your calendar!!! Oh, The Struggle!

Stepmom, I have news for you, you suck. Big time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP- you raise a good point. Not OP but my dad is a dolt and so if I put myself in my stepmom's position, it would be hard to be generous towards a stepdaughter when the father treats his daughter poorly.

(I'm the OP posing one of life's great questions about why women choose to procreate with men who have proven themselves to be bad fathers.)

Well, I dunno, don't give your stepmom too much credit. If she were a better person, she would actually have been *more* generous towards a child whose own father was treating her poorly. Of course, if she were a better person, she probably would have steered clear of an ass who treated his children poorly.

In my case, DH was 22, got girlfriend of 6 months pregnant. Tried to do the right thing by marrying her and it didn't work out. Sometimes doing the "right thing" isn't the "best thing". They divorced within a year. She is difficult, from a different culture, doesn't let him have a say in much of the child's affairs. She moved across country so he didn't get to see kid much. He went to college, worked on his career and tried to be a good person and a good of a dad as he could by at least providing for the child and seeing her when allowed. Now flash forward 12 years, we're in our 30s, make good salaries, he is a decent and responsible person but will always pay for his irresponsibility in the past. He loves his child, provides for her and tries to be there, but some bio moms make it difficult. And at the end of the day, they are very different. Different upbringing, different values. When stepchild is with us it is more like babysitting. This doesn't make DH a deadbeat dad or a bad person. He will always have to live with his poor choices and try to do right by the innocent child but also deserves to have a life and enjoy his success, wife, child that is in the home full time.

What do you mean by "deserves to enjoy his succes"? Why is that mutually exclusive with treating all his children fairly? What do you mean by "babysitting"? I think you have serious problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious, what other things did your stepmom do over the years to create this issue? My stepkids didn't attend our wedding (it was destination with no kids) but I would hope that this wouldn't scar them. They only saw DH a couple of times a year at the time. Now that we have our own child it is a struggle to balance our everyday life and the times that they are with us - things to include them in, things that we can do on our own, etc. I am constantly looking at the calendar to figure out what dates work for visiting my family or things we can do while we're all together. Getting invited to events for our toddler during their weekends with us is also a problem as they're 10-11 years older and either aren't invited or wouldn't want to go. Struggling to include them as it can't always be done.

You do what other families with kids in a wide age range do. You find ways to make it work. Split up parenting duties, get a sitter, go to the toddler party for a shorter period of time. Call your friend and tell them it's a package deal. Can't be done? Looks like you have to do something... wait for it.... as a FAMILY that day.

Yes, I get it, it seriously limits your flexibility to do what YOU want to do because you have to find ways to accommodate your step kids. It is all about YOU Stepmom. Stepkids aren't invited? Oh how horrible to have to constantly look at your calendar!!! Oh, The Struggle!

Stepmom, I have news for you, you suck. Big time.

You sound like a bitter stepkid. I'm sorry for you. Divorce is tough and kids feel the brunt of it. It is a struggle to live as a family of 3 for 26 days of the month and a family of 5 for 4. Stepmoms can make it all about stepkids on those weekends but I don't think it will ever make them feel whole. They will always feel like they are missing what the other child gets - an intact home.