S/o designations. What should my kids call my horrible step mother?

[Anonymous]

Why is it up to the stepmom to be more concerned about the stepkids than their actual father? While a stepparent should be, at a minimum, benign, it's really up to the actual parent to set the tone for the interactions with his children. If he can't be arsed, why is it her responsibility?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP- you raise a good point. Not OP but my dad is a dolt and so if I put myself in my stepmom's position, it would be hard to be generous towards a stepdaughter when the father treats his daughter poorly.

(I'm the OP posing one of life's great questions about why women choose to procreate with men who have proven themselves to be bad fathers.)

Well, I dunno, don't give your stepmom too much credit. If she were a better person, she would actually have been *more* generous towards a child whose own father was treating her poorly. Of course, if she were a better person, she probably would have steered clear of an ass who treated his children poorly.

In my case, DH was 22, got girlfriend of 6 months pregnant. Tried to do the right thing by marrying her and it didn't work out. Sometimes doing the "right thing" isn't the "best thing". They divorced within a year. She is difficult, from a different culture, doesn't let him have a say in much of the child's affairs. She moved across country so he didn't get to see kid much. He went to college, worked on his career and tried to be a good person and a good of a dad as he could by at least providing for the child and seeing her when allowed. Now flash forward 12 years, we're in our 30s, make good salaries, he is a decent and responsible person but will always pay for his irresponsibility in the past. He loves his child, provides for her and tries to be there, but some bio moms make it difficult. And at the end of the day, they are very different. Different upbringing, different values. When stepchild is with us it is more like babysitting. This doesn't make DH a deadbeat dad or a bad person. He will always have to live with his poor choices and try to do right by the innocent child but also deserves to have a life and enjoy his success, wife, child that is in the home full time.

What do you mean by "deserves to enjoy his succes"? Why is that mutually exclusive with treating all his children fairly? What do you mean by "babysitting"? I think you have serious problems.

Meaning he shouldn't be labeled a deadbeat dad. He provides for all children equally financially, but doesn't have access to stepchild as much as our child. And we are "babysitting" because we generally have no say in what the child wears, activities, whether mom allows certain things that we wouldn't allow, etc. He has given up fighting over these things and instead tries to spend time with child when she is with us, create memories, etc.

People were asking why would another woman want to marry someone who seems like a bad dad and my point is people make poor like choices sometimes, especially when they are younger, but that doesn't mean their lives cannot improve or that they can't make better decisions in the future. Not all kids are planned, not every child is conceived in a loving environment, not all parents get along. Mistakes are made. Children shouldn't suffer because of it but they often do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it up to the stepmom to be more concerned about the stepkids than their actual father? While a stepparent should be, at a minimum, benign, it's really up to the actual parent to set the tone for the interactions with his children. If he can't be arsed, why is it her responsibility?

I think stepmoms should be kind and inclusive but it isn't always realistic to act like a family. Sometimes, the stepkids are truly just visiting. Yes, have a room for them, make sure they have toys, clothes, etc. but you can't make it more than it is, especially in situations that aren't 50/50 physical custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious, what other things did your stepmom do over the years to create this issue? My stepkids didn't attend our wedding (it was destination with no kids) but I would hope that this wouldn't scar them. They only saw DH a couple of times a year at the time. Now that we have our own child it is a struggle to balance our everyday life and the times that they are with us - things to include them in, things that we can do on our own, etc. I am constantly looking at the calendar to figure out what dates work for visiting my family or things we can do while we're all together. Getting invited to events for our toddler during their weekends with us is also a problem as they're 10-11 years older and either aren't invited or wouldn't want to go. Struggling to include them as it can't always be done.

You do what other families with kids in a wide age range do. You find ways to make it work. Split up parenting duties, get a sitter, go to the toddler party for a shorter period of time. Call your friend and tell them it's a package deal. Can't be done? Looks like you have to do something... wait for it.... as a FAMILY that day.

Yes, I get it, it seriously limits your flexibility to do what YOU want to do because you have to find ways to accommodate your step kids. It is all about YOU Stepmom. Stepkids aren't invited? Oh how horrible to have to constantly look at your calendar!!! Oh, The Struggle!

Stepmom, I have news for you, you suck. Big time.

You sound like a bitter stepkid. I'm sorry for you. Divorce is tough and kids feel the brunt of it. It is a struggle to live as a family of 3 for 26 days of the month and a family of 5 for 4. Stepmoms can make it all about stepkids on those weekends but I don't think it will ever make them feel whole. They will always feel like they are missing what the other child gets - an intact home.

Nope, not a bitter step kid, and I think it sucks that you and she (same person?) are making excuses. You can't give them an "intact home", that doesn't get her off the hook for what she does give them - and how she thinks about them - when they are with her.

And no, this in NO WAY gets dad off the hook. He also needs to incorporate the kids into the family activities. But this thread is not about bio dads, it is about step moms.

What I don't want to hear is a grown person whining about how it's impossible to handle all the toddler birthday parties she wants to go to because she has a 12 year old step kid. "It's a STRUGGLE? Seriously? 1-800 WHAA!

Is it a "struggle" when guests come to visit you from out of town for a few days a month? When it's your family members? Sure, it causes inconvenience, but would you characterize it as a "struggle"??? Very telling indeed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:



Nope, not a bitter step kid, and I think it sucks that you and she (same person?) are making excuses. You can't give them an "intact home", that doesn't get her off the hook for what she does give them - and how she thinks about them - when they are with her.

Hmm, you clearly have some personal ax to grind.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you are correct, and I did and still do. He is absolutely to blame for a lot of it.

Still, this is the woman who wore my grandmother's jewelry to my wedding and then whispered to me that I would never get any of it.

This is unbelievable... If she ever says this to you again, smile sweetly and whisper back... " not if you die before daddy. Better take care of yourself. WINK"
Seriously, so sad for her to have been a grown woman and be jealous of a child.... Sounds like a fairy tale.... You must have been a beautiful, sweet child and your dad was clearly in love with you to make her so jealous. I would keep your distance from her, be pleasant but cool and make sure you and your family look great and have a blast with lots of love shown to your dad and sister at the wedding. Give us an update post wedding.

[Anonymous]

Cruella?