How would you feel if your spouse spent thousands on your birthday gift?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:honestly, I think therapy might be more helpful for the control issues OP has.

We don't all feel fine with thousands being spent on gifts, especially if not discussed beforehand.

You are really missing why people are recommending therapy.

Look, I don't feel fine with thousands being spent on gifts. But people aren't telling the OP that therapy will help her accept generous gifts. They are telling her that she should examine her underlying feelings about gifts in general, given her childhood experiences. Might make her more comfortable, might not. But certainly will help her have the vocabulary to explain all of it to her DH.

[Anonymous]

Since you asked how others would feel:

Op, it sounds like your financial situation is similar to ours. No debt except the mortgage (which is 5 yrs through a 15 yr plan), always trying to save up for something: a new car (hopefully later this year), retirement, college funds, etc.

My DH is at least as financially conservative as I am. So, if he did this, I would assume that he had been quietly squirreling money away for some time, without substantially affecting our saving goals. After all, there will ALWAYS be something more to save for - sometimes you just gotta take a break and live in the moment, just for a little while. I trust that he would not squander money that he/we couldn't afford (it would be different if there were significant debt or we were barely making ends meet, but that's not the case, and doesn't sound like it is for you either). In that light, I would be honored that he chose to spend the extra money on something special for me. Whether it's the exact item I would have chosen is irrelevant - that's the spirit of a gift.

[Anonymous]

And this is why my husband and I have one joint account and two individual accounts. We jointly decide our budget for the year that achieves all of our goals and the rest is our "allowance" that goes into our individual acct. I do what I want with my money and he does what he wants. No arguments...

[Anonymous]

A DH here. If you want to effectively communicate with your husband, you need to separate two parts of this issue. First, you need to acknowledge and appreciate the gift and sentiment for what he gave you. Second, you will need to address how you communicate, how you agree on things and how to compromise so that you both feel heard and understood. I say you need to separate them because while you are talking about the second one, he will be fuming about the first one and you will not effectively be communicating or at least won't be communicating about the same topic.

So, you first show appreciation for the gift and his thoughtfulness and let him understand that you feel that he treated you well (regarding the gift, not he spending of the money).

Then, give it a few days to settle in. Then when both of you are calm and have time, make time to talk to him about family finances. Explain that while you were flattered that he got you such an expensive gift that you thought you had discussed that any large purchase (and set a dollar limit on what constitutes large) should be discussed by you both since it affects the joint family budget. Although you understand the sentiment of doing something extremely nice, explain that you are worried about the family's long-term financial plans and that any changes in your spending habits need to be discussed so that you can also discuss how to factor a large expense into the plan.

Last, keep the jewelry for now. It's not worth the aggravation that returning it will cause, both for you on the time and effort to return it and on him for the angst caused by feeling that you don't appreciate the gift or sentiment from him. You don't need the money now and sometime down the road, you can get the item appraised and try to resell it for the cash, but don't do it now, wait a while and you'll spare his feelings and avoid adding extra stress on your relationship.

Just some suggestions to make this easier. Remember, he's your partner and while the adage is "Happy wife, happy life." the same sentiments work the other way too. You and your marriage will be happier in the long run if you don't tread all over his feelings.

[Anonymous]

Would love it.