How would you feel if your spouse spent thousands on your birthday gift?

[Anonymous]

If he was doing this sort of thing all the time and that was derailing your saving goals, then yes, there is an issue, but i see nothing wrong with buying your spouse a really nice gift every once in a while if you can afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for your husband...

Agreed. Can't win with some women, I guess.

[Anonymous]

I have been in a similar situation and felt the way you do. It was an expensive (for us) piece of jewelry, and I was frustrated that the opportunity cost for this item that was supposed to be a gift for me meant that there were other things I actually wanted that we now couldn't get.

That said, like your husband mine did it from a place of love, and I think it's important to recognize that. And I know his feelings were hurt when I didn't have the positive reaction to the piece at the time, and that he loves it when I wear that piece of jewelry.

So here's my advice:

1) Keep this piece of jewelry and file it away in your mind as a gift to your spouse, then pull it out and wear it for him down the road when you go out. My guess is he'll get happy seeing you wearing it.

2) At a totally separate time from this have a conversation with your husband about financial goals / not spending large non-returnable amounts without your input. The opportunity cost argument may help there as a point of view he can understand.

3) Develop a list of costly/expensive items that you DO want. My husband frequently complains that he WANTS to spend money on me / get me things, but doesn't know what I want. So I'm working to figure out specific items that he can get me that will make me happy (while working on him to accept that a new set of door knobs, while not sexy, is what I truly want.)

Basically, try to see and treat this as an act of love the way your DH intended it, while also acknowledging your legitimate frustration and preventing similar things from happening in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been in a similar situation and felt the way you do. It was an expensive (for us) piece of jewelry, and I was frustrated that the opportunity cost for this item that was supposed to be a gift for me meant that there were other things I actually wanted that we now couldn't get.

That said, like your husband mine did it from a place of love, and I think it's important to recognize that. And I know his feelings were hurt when I didn't have the positive reaction to the piece at the time, and that he loves it when I wear that piece of jewelry.

So here's my advice:

1) Keep this piece of jewelry and file it away in your mind as a gift to your spouse, then pull it out and wear it for him down the road when you go out. My guess is he'll get happy seeing you wearing it.

2) At a totally separate time from this have a conversation with your husband about financial goals / not spending large non-returnable amounts without your input. The opportunity cost argument may help there as a point of view he can understand.

3) Develop a list of costly/expensive items that you DO want. My husband frequently complains that he WANTS to spend money on me / get me things, but doesn't know what I want. So I'm working to figure out specific items that he can get me that will make me happy (while working on him to accept that a new set of door knobs, while not sexy, is what I truly want.)

Basically, try to see and treat this as an act of love the way your DH intended it, while also acknowledging your legitimate frustration and preventing similar things from happening in the future.

Absolutely. If you come down hard enough about this now, you will never again have to worry about receiving jewelry as a gift. Problem solved!

[Anonymous]

I don't really understand why he bought this particular gift for you in the first place?

Was it a frantic last minute internet grab when he realized it was your bday or ws there some significant thought behind it.

[Anonymous]

you could talk about future gifts and set a limit on what you're comfortable having one partner unilaterally decide on (this leaves the door open for bigger gifts, but they wouldn't be surprises)

[Anonymous]

Was this a $3,000 gift or a $30,000 gift? If it's the former, that amount of money dropped on a single purchase isn't going to hurt your family's future unless he makes a habit of doing this, which doesn't appear to be the case. If it isn't a sickening amount of money, just let it go and enjoy your gift and the fact that DH wanted to do something nice for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been in a similar situation and felt the way you do. It was an expensive (for us) piece of jewelry, and I was frustrated that the opportunity cost for this item that was supposed to be a gift for me meant that there were other things I actually wanted that we now couldn't get.

That said, like your husband mine did it from a place of love, and I think it's important to recognize that. And I know his feelings were hurt when I didn't have the positive reaction to the piece at the time, and that he loves it when I wear that piece of jewelry.

So here's my advice:

1) Keep this piece of jewelry and file it away in your mind as a gift to your spouse, then pull it out and wear it for him down the road when you go out. My guess is he'll get happy seeing you wearing it.

2) At a totally separate time from this have a conversation with your husband about financial goals / not spending large non-returnable amounts without your input. The opportunity cost argument may help there as a point of view he can understand.

3) Develop a list of costly/expensive items that you DO want. My husband frequently complains that he WANTS to spend money on me / get me things, but doesn't know what I want. So I'm working to figure out specific items that he can get me that will make me happy (while working on him to accept that a new set of door knobs, while not sexy, is what I truly want.)

Basically, try to see and treat this as an act of love the way your DH intended it, while also acknowledging your legitimate frustration and preventing similar things from happening in the future.

Absolutely. If you come down hard enough about this now, you will never again have to worry about receiving jewelry as a gift. Problem solved!

I'm the PP who wrote. I personally hate getting jewelry as gifts, so if that's the outcome, then score! But seriously - if my husband never buys me a >$300 gift without my input I'll be happy about that.

But more importantly, money doesn't grow on trees and we have joint accounts, so anything we spend on item A isn't available to be spent on item B. And personally I value having input into those decisions far more than receiving surprise gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you, OP. However, let me offer this up. I put the kibosh on flowers or really any frivolous gifts during the early years of our marriage, when we really needed to save up and invest. Now that it's a few years later, he still doesn't spend much money and I never get flowers. He learned that lesson too well I'd say enjoy it, but discuss with him your desire make mutual decisions about spending any money over x amount. For us, it's $300.

So funny - me too on the flowers. It's still a joke in our house. But 20+ years of no flowers does start to add up to real money so I don't mind at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was this a $3,000 gift or a $30,000 gift? If it's the former, that amount of money dropped on a single purchase isn't going to hurt your family's future unless he makes a habit of doing this, which doesn't appear to be the case. If it isn't a sickening amount of money, just let it go and enjoy your gift and the fact that DH wanted to do something nice for you.

It was the former, which I realize is not a ton of money to some but also equals the money in our dc's 529. Thanks for all your advice, I'm trying to get to a better place mentally about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you, OP. However, let me offer this up. I put the kibosh on flowers or really any frivolous gifts during the early years of our marriage, when we really needed to save up and invest. Now that it's a few years later, he still doesn't spend much money and I never get flowers. He learned that lesson too well I'd say enjoy it, but discuss with him your desire make mutual decisions about spending any money over x amount. For us, it's $300.

So funny - me too on the flowers. It's still a joke in our house. But 20+ years of no flowers does start to add up to real money so I don't mind at all.

Op here. We agreed on whole foods flowers a long time ago, I don't mind the compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was this a $3,000 gift or a $30,000 gift? If it's the former, that amount of money dropped on a single purchase isn't going to hurt your family's future unless he makes a habit of doing this, which doesn't appear to be the case. If it isn't a sickening amount of money, just let it go and enjoy your gift and the fact that DH wanted to do something nice for you.

It was the former, which I realize is not a ton of money to some but also equals the money in our dc's 529. Thanks for all your advice, I'm trying to get to a better place mentally about it.

Just tell DH to return it instead of holding it against him and being annoyed when he tried to do something nice. I think it will make his life a lot more pleasant.

[Anonymous]

wow, take a step back and APPRECIATE your DH for doing something sweet and nice.

stop being controlling and stop complaining.

this is just freakin' unbelievable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:wow, take a step back and APPRECIATE your DH for doing something sweet and nice.

stop being controlling and stop complaining.

this is just freakin' unbelievable

Agreed.

[Anonymous]

Say thank you and appreciate it. I agree with you but it is nice he thinks so much of you to splurge. A one time deal is ok...enjoy.