How would you feel if your spouse spent thousands on your birthday gift?

[Anonymous]

I would feel the same as you do. We just don't have that much money to spend on jewelry, nor is it a priority for me so it would upset me that I now couldn't do something else. But the biggest thing that would bother me would be that I would feel like he really didn't know me or that he's been listening to what I do prioritize (new house, travel, 529s, etc).

[Anonymous]

I know where you're coming from OP. Did you happen to grow up poorer than your husband? The reason I ask is I did and it makes me a bit crazy when my DH used to buy me expensive things.

For Christmas, my just graduated college daughter bought me what I thought was a really expensive bath set (the ones you see in beauty salons). I didn't open it because I thought it was too nice. Well, we were just in NYC over the weekend, and I saw that the whole set was only $7.95 even though it looked like $100 set. So, now I can enjoy it.

It might have something to do with subconscious self-worth OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know where you're coming from OP. Did you happen to grow up poorer than your husband? The reason I ask is I did and it makes me a bit crazy when my DH used to buy me expensive things.

For Christmas, my just graduated college daughter bought me what I thought was a really expensive bath set (the ones you see in beauty salons). I didn't open it because I thought it was too nice. Well, we were just in NYC over the weekend, and I saw that the whole set was only $7.95 even though it looked like $100 set. So, now I can enjoy it.

It might have something to do with subconscious self-worth OP.

Op here. I grew up watching my shopaholic Sah stepmother squander a lot of my fathers money at the mall buying high end products none of us needed (or could really afford, though we all did fine). It was all just very wasteful. There were many many awful fights (and still are!) as a result of this. It ruined many gift giving occasions as they frequently became about what had been spent. None of the spending was on me but rather my half sister and herself. Occasionally my father, but she would buy him things he didn't need or want (cashmere Burberry sweater) with the money that he he worked for but was theirs.

I guess it's all deeper than it appears though I hadn't really thought about it until your post.

[Anonymous]

I would not be happy as well. I'm not a jewelry person and thousands for a gift is too much imo and frivolous. It has nothing to do with bring grateful to your husband as a few clueless pps have pointed out.

I think you two should put a number limit for future gifts.

[Anonymous]

Maybe step back for a minute and think about your DH's likely thought process on this.

Was this a frantic, last-minute, overspending purchase that he made when he remembered when it was your birthday?

Or was it something he put a lot of thought into and wanted to do as a loving gesture toward you?

If it's the latter, you have a dear husband and are fortunate, indeed.

[Anonymous]

My husband bought me a 45k ring for our 5 year anniversary. I was so upset. That's the price of a decent car. Guys don't get it, they want to make us happy. Having money in the bank makes me happy.

[Anonymous]

How much was the gift?

I personally would frown upon DH spending a large amount - large purchases require a joint decision.

I'd hate it if he surprised me with a car, for example., if we were budgeting for something else.

[Anonymous]

this thread is really interesting.

In my world, (and I would say a lot of people's outside of DCUM), $3k is a lot of money.

A birthday gift, especially something from a spouse, is supposed to be something the recipient would enjoy and be happy about. This has now changed into something that makes you feel guilty, because it's a joint use of your own money (frankly), spent on something you don't really want.

I agree it's worth a conversation with your husband at some point about what kind of gifts you do like and how it made you feel. You need to make sure the same misunderstanding doesn't happen again.

Gifts don't have to cost a lot, they just have to be significant (in a positive way!) to the receiver.

Do you have any sense of your husband's motivation or thinking here? I agree $3k is the start of a nice vacation or a good contribution to a 529 plan, if you're just starting out.

[Anonymous]

You need therapy. Your DH is not your stepmom and I think you're being really unfair and ungrateful.

[Anonymous]

Better than last year when he spent nothing on my Christmas and birthday presents. I got nothing last year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need therapy. Your DH is not your stepmom and I think you're being really unfair and ungrateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this thread is really interesting.

In my world, (and I would say a lot of people's outside of DCUM), $3k is a lot of money.

A birthday gift, especially something from a spouse, is supposed to be something the recipient would enjoy and be happy about. This has now changed into something that makes you feel guilty, because it's a joint use of your own money (frankly), spent on something you don't really want.

I agree it's worth a conversation with your husband at some point about what kind of gifts you do like and how it made you feel. You need to make sure the same misunderstanding doesn't happen again.

Gifts don't have to cost a lot, they just have to be significant (in a positive way!) to the receiver.

Do you have any sense of your husband's motivation or thinking here? I agree $3k is the start of a nice vacation or a good contribution to a 529 plan, if you're just starting out.

I agree.

[Anonymous]

DH here. He should not have spent so much on the gift unless it was completely inconsequential to your family finances, which it was not b/c you noticed it.

I assume he was at wits end and was desperate for a good gift, and substituted money for time.

I agree with PP, I suspect he is joneseying for something for himself that cost $$$, or even worse may have guilty conscience about something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know where you're coming from OP. Did you happen to grow up poorer than your husband? The reason I ask is I did and it makes me a bit crazy when my DH used to buy me expensive things.

For Christmas, my just graduated college daughter bought me what I thought was a really expensive bath set (the ones you see in beauty salons). I didn't open it because I thought it was too nice. Well, we were just in NYC over the weekend, and I saw that the whole set was only $7.95 even though it looked like $100 set. So, now I can enjoy it.

It might have something to do with subconscious self-worth OP.

Op here. I grew up watching my shopaholic Sah stepmother squander a lot of my fathers money at the mall buying high end products none of us needed (or could really afford, though we all did fine). It was all just very wasteful. There were many many awful fights (and still are!) as a result of this. It ruined many gift giving occasions as they frequently became about what had been spent. None of the spending was on me but rather my half sister and herself. Occasionally my father, but she would buy him things he didn't need or want (cashmere Burberry sweater) with the money that he he worked for but was theirs.

I guess it's all deeper than it appears though I hadn't really thought about it until your post.

Have you told this to your DH in the past?

I agree that you might benefit from therapy. Your husband spoiling you occasionally is an act of love. You associate spending lots of money with being selfish and wasteful, but that is unusual. And frankly, it seems you might not consider yourself worth extravagant gifts.

I get where you are coming from. Really. I am a SAHM. I buy what I consider thoughtful and expensive gifts for my husband. But he buys me outrageously pricey jewelry every Christmas and birthday. It hurts his feelings if my main concern is the price. He thinks that I should wear jewelry that reflects how valued and cherished I am by him. It is not how I was raised, but I have learned to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know where you're coming from OP. Did you happen to grow up poorer than your husband? The reason I ask is I did and it makes me a bit crazy when my DH used to buy me expensive things.

For Christmas, my just graduated college daughter bought me what I thought was a really expensive bath set (the ones you see in beauty salons). I didn't open it because I thought it was too nice. Well, we were just in NYC over the weekend, and I saw that the whole set was only $7.95 even though it looked like $100 set. So, now I can enjoy it.

It might have something to do with subconscious self-worth OP.

Op here. I grew up watching my shopaholic Sah stepmother squander a lot of my fathers money at the mall buying high end products none of us needed (or could really afford, though we all did fine). It was all just very wasteful. There were many many awful fights (and still are!) as a result of this. It ruined many gift giving occasions as they frequently became about what had been spent. None of the spending was on me but rather my half sister and herself. Occasionally my father, but she would buy him things he didn't need or want (cashmere Burberry sweater) with the money that he he worked for but was theirs.

I guess it's all deeper than it appears though I hadn't really thought about it until your post.

Have you told this to your DH in the past?

I agree that you might benefit from therapy. Your husband spoiling you occasionally is an act of love. You associate spending lots of money with being selfish and wasteful, but that is unusual. And frankly, it seems you might not consider yourself worth extravagant gifts.

I get where you are coming from. Really. I am a SAHM. I buy what I consider thoughtful and expensive gifts for my husband. But he buys me outrageously pricey jewelry every Christmas and birthday. It hurts his feelings if my main concern is the price. He thinks that I should wear jewelry that reflects how valued and cherished I am by him. It is not how I was raised, but I have learned to deal with it.

I don't think OP needs therapy, my goodness. I know most who post on here probably don't understand that thousands of dollars on a gift that wasn't wanted or needed is ott but try to have some perspective.