Punishment doesn't seem to phase this kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am just curious. What do you do during the day? If you work outside the home, what is your profession? I assume you are hugely successful. From what colleges did you graduate? GPA? Honors graduate? Top of your class, right? You see where I'm going with this, OP? You must be flawless. Well, the world is not filled with perfect beings like you. Some of, God forbid, may have issues or learning disabilities. But, guess what? We may still be successful in life. You need to do a reality check and focus on what is good about your DD. She needs you to believe in her. It is not too late. In fact, middle school is a critical time for you help her build the confidence she will need later in life. I am a busy working professional but my 11 year old DD comes first. And, guess what? DD is ADHD and struggles with her reading and writing but she is good at so many things and has confidence a mile long. She is doing well in school with the right combination of accommodations. I do whatever is necessary to help her feel good about herself. She has been in Girl Scouts since she was 5. I can see her getting her Gold Award because she loves scouting and is dedicated to it. She is a wonderful competitive swimmer and basketball player. She loves sports and will try just about any sport. DD is very active and OP, I let her eat chips and other junk along with healthy foods. It's not the end of the world. She is a beautiful girl and I am not going to count every chip she eats. You need to get your priorities straight and ease up on DD. These years are critical. If you continue on the path you are on, you will lose her and she will resent her later in life.

We have signed her up for countless actives, trying to find something for her to excel at. It has not come yet. We will encourage her to meet her goals even if they are not the goals we had for ourselves. I have no fear she will eventually make a contribution to society which is ultimately what we teach our children what is most important. If that is by being an honest and skilled ditch digger than that is something we will have to learn to love! If it is being a honest and caring nurse or school teacher we will be fine. I went to school in the same community where we now live but spent more than 40 years living all around the country. I might be projecting my own difficulties on this child because I was not the sharpest pencil in the box in the same high school system and I felt so "less than". And I took my value from attention of boys. We always want to help our kids avoid the same struggles we had as youngsters. I was a late bloomer going back to school at age 27 to finish my degree and get my MBA. I dropped out of college at barely 19.

You are setting her up to seek value from boys because of how you treat her. You and you alone.

[Anonymous]

That poor child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So she did the household chore poorly. Should I have said good job?

No - you can clarify how you want it done, and THEN when she does it correctly, you tell her good job. Are you being deliberately obtuse?

Punishment doesn't phase the kid because it isn't a punishment - it's just the natural state of her life. Give her something she can work TOWARD, OP. Don't just take stuff away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes we do put a great deal of emphasis on academics-right or wrong. We live In a neighborhood with PhDs around every corner ( including my son, her older brother). One time while in a conference with her teacher I said "God forbid anybody be average in Bethesda" It got a big laugh or groan from all the other academics at the conference table.

When I floundered in school my father used to put me down with "Well we better get ready to send you to hair twisting school" meaning working in a beauty salon was what my future held and believe me that was not a compliment. He was dead by the time I got my MBA but it was something I was and am extremely proud of even if I was 28 when I got it. He was a grade A snob about class and education even though he certainly didn't come from anything other than blue collar stock. He was Army Colonel and I remember riding around on base and him pointing out certain women with remarks like "must be the wife of an enlisted man". See what I mean?

DH came from blue collar family and he was the first to go to college. He is Mensa member with two degrees obtained after the age of 35. Self made man if there ever was one so he too appreciate academics very much.

So in the context of our family background, our community and the standards we have set this dd's academic challenges are a shortcoming. I cringe to think how she will handle high school. If she doesn't at least do average work in high school the other kids will make her life miserable. Our high school has a rate of almost 99% going to college. The ironic thing is we moved here from the south for more diversity and opportunity in this community. If we had stayed in our Georgia community her academic struggles would have been right on par with everybody else and she wouldn't stand out as particularly challenged at all but then the other dd wouldn't get the enrichment opportunities she gets here. Oh well- it is what it is.

Girls have been home for awhile now. DD is outside playing with her friends (her best neighborhood GF is 6 which is another thread all together) while other DD is on the computer looking up Mesopotamia. Wow.

Now I'm sure this is a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes we do put a great deal of emphasis on academics-right or wrong. We live In a neighborhood with PhDs around every corner ( including my son, her older brother). One time while in a conference with her teacher I said "God forbid anybody be average in Bethesda" It got a big laugh or groan from all the other academics at the conference table.

When I floundered in school my father used to put me down with "Well we better get ready to send you to hair twisting school" meaning working in a beauty salon was what my future held and believe me that was not a compliment. He was dead by the time I got my MBA but it was something I was and am extremely proud of even if I was 28 when I got it. He was a grade A snob about class and education even though he certainly didn't come from anything other than blue collar stock. He was Army Colonel and I remember riding around on base and him pointing out certain women with remarks like "must be the wife of an enlisted man". See what I mean?

DH came from blue collar family and he was the first to go to college. He is Mensa member with two degrees obtained after the age of 35. Self made man if there ever was one so he too appreciate academics very much.

So in the context of our family background, our community and the standards we have set this dd's academic challenges are a shortcoming. I cringe to think how she will handle high school. If she doesn't at least do average work in high school the other kids will make her life miserable. Our high school has a rate of almost 99% going to college. The ironic thing is we moved here from the south for more diversity and opportunity in this community. If we had stayed in our Georgia community her academic struggles would have been right on par with everybody else and she wouldn't stand out as particularly challenged at all but then the other dd wouldn't get the enrichment opportunities she gets here. Oh well- it is what it is.

Girls have been home for awhile now. DD is outside playing with her friends (her best neighborhood GF is 6 which is another thread all together) while other DD is on the computer looking up Mesopotamia. Wow.

Now I'm sure this is a troll.

Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes we do put a great deal of emphasis on academics-right or wrong. We live In a neighborhood with PhDs around every corner ( including my son, her older brother). One time while in a conference with her teacher I said "God forbid anybody be average in Bethesda" It got a big laugh or groan from all the other academics at the conference table.

When I floundered in school my father used to put me down with "Well we better get ready to send you to hair twisting school" meaning working in a beauty salon was what my future held and believe me that was not a compliment. He was dead by the time I got my MBA but it was something I was and am extremely proud of even if I was 28 when I got it. He was a grade A snob about class and education even though he certainly didn't come from anything other than blue collar stock. He was Army Colonel and I remember riding around on base and him pointing out certain women with remarks like "must be the wife of an enlisted man". See what I mean?

DH came from blue collar family and he was the first to go to college. He is Mensa member with two degrees obtained after the age of 35. Self made man if there ever was one so he too appreciate academics very much.

So in the context of our family background, our community and the standards we have set this dd's academic challenges are a shortcoming. I cringe to think how she will handle high school. If she doesn't at least do average work in high school the other kids will make her life miserable. Our high school has a rate of almost 99% going to college. The ironic thing is we moved here from the south for more diversity and opportunity in this community. If we had stayed in our Georgia community her academic struggles would have been right on par with everybody else and she wouldn't stand out as particularly challenged at all but then the other dd wouldn't get the enrichment opportunities she gets here. Oh well- it is what it is.

Girls have been home for awhile now. DD is outside playing with her friends (her best neighborhood GF is 6 which is another thread all together) while other DD is on the computer looking up Mesopotamia. Wow.

Now I'm sure this is a troll.

Why?

Because after pages and pages of people explaining the troublesome nature of op's approach to her daughter, particularly given her special needs, she is now groaning about how her daughter doesn't measure up to her peers or family members academically. She is outside playing instead of researching (gasp! what will the phd neighbors think?). It doesn't seem to come from a place of compassion for her daughter either, but more like frustration that her daughter won't live up to mom's projections or the joneses. Then there is the story about how hard it was for OP to live up to her own judgmental dad's expectations, with no apparent insight into how she is passing on these negative parenting methods. I have to believe that a real poster would be showing some insight given the many very thoughtful and instructive posts.

I came from a family with high academic expectations and an extremely strong emphasis on higher education. When I discovered that my daughter had learning disabilities, I had to work very hard to adjust my expectations and snobbery in order to be able to love and celebrate her where she is at, and to learn how to bring out the best in her for her own sake. I had to stop caring what anyone else thought or measuring against inapplicable standards. I had to become her biggest fan just the way that she is and recognize that my previous way of thinking didn't take into account the variety of qualities, other than book smarts, that matter. Your kids challenge your preconceived notions about everything. It's how you respond to the challenge that shows who you are.

[Anonymous]

She's a child. How do children have "shortcomings"? Its not a word I'm used to hearing used with children. Some kids have certain talents and many kids struggle with certain things but to see it referred to as "shortcomings" sounds like you are writing her off. She's a kid. You shouldn't be measuring her.

I think the reason someone is accusing you of being a trol lis that you keep digging in. Your delight in your other DD's looking up Mesopatamia reenforces what all of us have been saying about how you prefer her. So what? Kids look up all sorts of things. If you are crowing about your little genius because of what she googles you could be doing real damage to her as well. Its actually a burden to be the golden one and it sounds like you are scrutinizing her too closely as well, its just that you like what you see there. And by the way, kids whoa re constantly praised and told how smart they are end up less successful then the kids who are not told its all going to come naturally to them. I'm betting on "this child" to be the successful one. She may not still be talking to you, but she could go far.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are a dolt. That is all.

[Anonymous]

Playing with a much younger child as a best friend is another potential sign of FASD (which, again, she's at risk for).

[Anonymous]

To the OP. I have read this entire thread. It is obvious that you love your daughter and want to be the best parent you can be to her. Maybe there are things you aren't doing perfectly, but no parent is perfect. I'm sure your daughter knows you want the best for her and how much you love her. You are not going to "ruin" her if you are willing to work with professionals and are open to learning how to adapt your parenting skills. Best of luck to you and your family. Happy Thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Playing with a much younger child as a best friend is another potential sign of FASD (which, again, she's at risk for).

She was adopted from Vietnam. We are fairly certain FAS is not affecting her.

Thank you for your comment.