Punishment doesn't seem to phase this kid

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you need some family therapy, someone to look at the relationships and family dynamic. Teachers and the pediatrician aren't able to see the whole picture. You have gotten lots of suggestions but just don't seem to get it. It makes me so so sad to listen to the why you write about her, especially compared to her perfect siblings.

You are setting the poor girl up for failure. Why are you so strict? She can't have potato chips because you have a weight problem? So your response is she can have them exactly twice a week. Why so rigid? What if she wants them three times a week? And the comic book thing is terrible. Please seek help if you want to have a loving relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

You are a very sad parent,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IOne of the things that gives me pause when I think about adopting is that I'm not sure how well I'd be able to handle a child who struggles academically. I grew up in a family of high achievers that valued education above all else. I'm no genius, but academics were always so easy for me, that even with my own daughter who is bright and not SN I sometimes find myself getting exasperated and yelling when she fails to grasp something that seems obvious.

Oh wow, just wow. I don't know how old your DC is but this is an incredibly unhealthy dynamic. You have essentially admitted that what matters to you most is academic achievement, to the point that you wouldn't even want a child who couldn't achieve. So I'm sure your DD is getting this message that you will only value her as long as she gets the grades. You yell at her when she doesn't seem as bright as you expect. One day your DD is going to fail a class or get so overwhelmed and depressed and/or anxious that she doesn't even want to go to class or maybe she will get a B and believe it is the end of the world or perhaps she will be perfect and get straight As and know deep in her heart of hearts that she has to keep it up or she will be failure in her your eyes.

Its OK for kids to screw up and have trouble and struggle to understand something and if they don't learn that in childhood it means a world of pain for them as adults.

I'm just feeling bad for your DD. And pretty glad you didn't adopt with that attitude. At least if she screws up you won;t blame it on your superior genes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one is questioning your love for your daughter but if you read all the posts here you've got to be picking up on the unusual (for DCUM) agreement that your approach isn't going to work. You already know this which is why you posted in the first place, yet you are backpedaling and being defensive. Go back and read these posts with a more open mind. Many of us have struggled with our children and have learned a few things in the process.

Lets start with academics. Your DD has a learning disability. My sense is that it hasn't been fully diagnosed (again, have you had her screened for ADHD?). This idea that if you change your approach you "will let her fail" is just wrong. She fails because the school isn't meeting her needs. Let me say that again: the school isn't meeting her needs. This idea that you are responsible for her grades is just wrong and destructive. And you are actually undermining her education because you are shielding her teachers from her struggles. They can't address her needs if you are haphazardly trying, and failing, to address them at home.

You need to take all that energy and become her advocate. Get a proper and thorough evaluation so you can better address her needs. And then seek the appropriate supports at school. If you don't do these things, get her the supports that will allow her to thrive, then, yes, you are letting her fail. And if you've done this and she's still struggling you need to advocate even more. I suggest you post in the SN section for more specific advice.

Finally, why did you turn her love of comics into a bad thing by telling her to make her own? She had this one thing that she enjoyed (and I agree with her teachers -- as long as she is reading, it shouldn't matter what. In fact, comics have become quite sophisticated.) and you made it a burden. What I see is that she has high achieving siblings and while you say you've changed your expectations, you really haven't completely. She likes to read comics? OK, we'll turn her into a comic book creator!

This kid needs some space in which to breath and relax. I read your posts and i want to come over to your house with a stack of comic books and a giant bag of potato chips. Please lay down your defensiveness and read what we've written here.

OP, I was a high school teacher and I think the above is good advice. I think that you're so stuck in a pattern (summer school, the dysfunctional way homework is done, etc) that you are not realizing how untenable is your daughter's academic situation.

[Anonymous]

The way you refer to her as "this kid" makes it sound like you dissociate her from your other children.

Anyway, I think you do need to ease up and let her not feel as rigid and stressed about everything

[Anonymous]

I think your being controlling. And it's stressing her out,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP there have been many suggestions given to you on here. I'd suggest a parenting session or something. Just the way you talk about her is so sad. I'm sure she can tell this is how you feel about her.

We do not yell in our home. We do not hit. We are a loving family, and I have read many books, attended many parenting classes and watched many TED talks. I've found little info or help with pediatrician and quite frankly didn't expect much. We see the special education teacher, speech therapist, math tutor all her teachers for educational help. I've been advocating for this child at every turn since we adopted her, so to suggest I "don't like her" is absurd.

I have two adopted children with ADHD who sound similar to your daughter. My kids are getting As and Bs because I have spent countless hours working with the pediatrician to ensure they have the right medication and dose to enable them to focus. I am in constant contact with the subject matter teachers to confirm assignments and make sure they are getting their work done. They get homework done in an after school program so they can relax at home after a long day. The pediatrician, teachers and I work as a cohesive team. It is tiring but I know if I don't advocate for my children, no one will. You sound like you have given up on your DD. And, you seem to treat her differently because she is adopted and you better believe she feels it. You seem disgusted rather than devoted to DD. Your tone is very negative. I can just imagine how DD feels. Poor baby. You could benefit from some therapy, OP. My life is by no means perfect but I thank God every day for bringing my children and I together. They are a joy and blessing. Please get some help so you can help DD. you sound really bitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP there have been many suggestions given to you on here. I'd suggest a parenting session or something. Just the way you talk about her is so sad. I'm sure she can tell this is how you feel about her.

We do not yell in our home. We do not hit. We are a loving family, and I have read many books, attended many parenting classes and watched many TED talks. I've found little info or help with pediatrician and quite frankly didn't expect much. We see the special education teacher, speech therapist, math tutor all her teachers for educational help. I've been advocating for this child at every turn since we adopted her, so to suggest I "don't like her" is absurd.

I have two adopted children with ADHD who sound similar to your daughter. My kids are getting As and Bs because I have spent countless hours working with the pediatrician to ensure they have the right medication and dose to enable them to focus. I am in constant contact with the subject matter teachers to confirm assignments and make sure they are getting their work done. They get homework done in an after school program so they can relax at home after a long day. The pediatrician, teachers and I work as a cohesive team. It is tiring but I know if I don't advocate for my children, no one will. You sound like you have given up on your DD. And, you seem to treat her differently because she is adopted and you better believe she feels it. You seem disgusted rather than devoted to DD. Your tone is very negative. I can just imagine how DD feels. Poor baby. You could benefit from some therapy, OP. My life is by no means perfect but I thank God every day for bringing my children and I together. They are a joy and blessing. Please get some help so you can help DD. you sound really bitter.

Her sister (4 months older) is also adopted, as are two of her other five siblings. If I had given up on my DD, why would I be posting here? Why would I be trying to discipline her and get to the root of the problem if I had given up? I love this child so much and I DON'T want her to feel like a failure. That's why I'm asking for advice. If I had given up on her, I'd simply let her fail.

[Anonymous]

Because you keep referring to her as "this child". It sounds cold and distant. And, disciplining her is not the answer. You may need to work with a psychologist or another professional to help you because you are not trained to figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because you keep referring to her as "this child". It sounds cold and distant. And, disciplining her is not the answer. You may need to work with a psychologist or another professional to help you because you are not trained to figure it out.

"This child" as opposed to her other siblings.

[Anonymous]

I give up. OP, people have given you good advice on here but all you do is ignore it or combat it. I've posted before how I see myself in your daughter but your dismissal of everyone is part of the problem. I don't think I've ever been so annoyed at a poster on here before.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because you keep referring to her as "this child". It sounds cold and distant. And, disciplining her is not the answer. You may need to work with a psychologist or another professional to help you because you are not trained to figure it out.

"This child" as opposed to her other siblings.

Out of 7 kids she is the only one with learning disabilities- in fact the only one not in gifted. I don't know how to deal with an average kid with learning disabilities. We have read books, talked to professionals and tried different ways of helping her. Old habits die hard. She has probably the sweetest disposition kids out of the 7 too. All her teachers consistently say they have never seen a kid try as hard as she does so it's not like we are dealing with a lazy or defiant kid. Our problem is simply how do we deal with the repeated disobedience and organization issues.

The consensus seems that we are too heavy with punishment- but this comes after many warnings. What do you all do when your children disobey? Or is everyone "free range" and don't have rules per say?

[Anonymous]

She does enjoy praise, though. I am trying to find a good balance of discipline and praise. Just this morning the 4 of us did a deep kitchen cleaning. Her task was to move all the things off the counters and clean the kitchen counters. She announced she was through and when I looked she had not done a good job. So I thought a minute and decided I could do it myself but she wouldn't learn anything. No. So I called her in (she was watching a show on the computer when her sister-an earned privilege --reward). I told her I appreciated how she had a positive attitude and I knew it was a pain to unplug the mixer and toaster and other things to remove them from the counter and how the surface in front of the appliances was very clean. Then I had her wipe her finger where the toaster oven had been and especially where the waffle maker was and she was surprised to see how sticky those surfaces were. (I spray the waffle iron and didn't realize how much residue had accumulated). I told her that crumbs and dust stick to the counter if not washed and this could eventually get in our food and since we have 4 pets there is alot of "yuck" in the air) She got the cloth under hot water again and scrubbed till it wasn't sticky anymore. I then told her "Great- I have been a good teacher and you have been a great student".

She and her sister get lots of personal and together attention. DH is semi retired and spends more time with his children than the average working father. Walks, shopping, library trips, reading, game playing, errands, chores--we all do them together. And forget about movies. This is a child who cannot stand the sensory overload of a movie. Suspense puts her in a panic. She covers her ears in public toilets and at the beach. I think the child would go into a coma if she were to see a 3D movie. She won't even watch movies with us at home. She excuses herself. Only thing movie wise she will watch is Shawn the Sheep but only after we asked her to try and she could leave if it was too uncomfortable.

I think her main problems stem from her learning disabilities and we will need to learn further on how to deal with that.
Perhaps I will post in the special needs section.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because you keep referring to her as "this child". It sounds cold and distant. And, disciplining her is not the answer. You may need to work with a psychologist or another professional to help you because you are not trained to figure it out.

"This child" as opposed to her other siblings.

Out of 7 kids she is the only one with learning disabilities- in fact the only one not in gifted. I don't know how to deal with an average kid with learning disabilities. We have read books, talked to professionals and tried different ways of helping her. Old habits die hard. She has probably the sweetest disposition kids out of the 7 too. All her teachers consistently say they have never seen a kid try as hard as she does so it's not like we are dealing with a lazy or defiant kid. Our problem is simply how do we deal with the repeated disobedience and organization issues.

The consensus seems that we are too heavy with punishment- but this comes after many warnings. What do you all do when your children disobey? Or is everyone "free range" and don't have rules per say?

You need to watch Rick Lavoie's FAT City: How Difficult Can This Be? He's a special education expert, and his workshop that was taped is incredibly eye-opening. Most of it is on YouTube, but I got a copy at my library.

All indications is, she is doing the best she can. But you are setting her up for failure. You cannot punish a child out of a learning disability.