Punishment doesn't seem to phase this kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She does enjoy praise, though. I am trying to find a good balance of discipline and praise. Just this morning the 4 of us did a deep kitchen cleaning. Her task was to move all the things off the counters and clean the kitchen counters. She announced she was through and when I looked she had not done a good job. So I thought a minute and decided I could do it myself but she wouldn't learn anything. No. So I called her in (she was watching a show on the computer when her sister-an earned privilege --reward). I told her I appreciated how she had a positive attitude and I knew it was a pain to unplug the mixer and toaster and other things to remove them from the counter and how the surface in front of the appliances was very clean. Then I had her wipe her finger where the toaster oven had been and especially where the waffle maker was and she was surprised to see how sticky those surfaces were. (I spray the waffle iron and didn't realize how much residue had accumulated). I told her that crumbs and dust stick to the counter if not washed and this could eventually get in our food and since we have 4 pets there is alot of "yuck" in the air) She got the cloth under hot water again and scrubbed till it wasn't sticky anymore. I then told her "Great- I have been a good teacher and you have been a great student".

She and her sister get lots of personal and together attention. DH is semi retired and spends more time with his children than the average working father. Walks, shopping, library trips, reading, game playing, errands, chores--we all do them together. And forget about movies. This is a child who cannot stand the sensory overload of a movie. Suspense puts her in a panic. She covers her ears in public toilets and at the beach. I think the child would go into a coma if she were to see a 3D movie. She won't even watch movies with us at home. She excuses herself. Only thing movie wise she will watch is Shawn the Sheep but only after we asked her to try and she could leave if it was too uncomfortable.

I think her main problems stem from her learning disabilities and we will need to learn further on how to deal with that.
Perhaps I will post in the special needs section.

OH MY GOD. Do you HEAR yourself?? You should have just said, "Great job, thank you." It ISN'T ABOUT YOU. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU BEING A GOOD TEACHER. Why would you even say that to her?????

+1. You sound like a narcissist who thinks her children are a reflection of herself and so is anxious about anything less than perfection.

[Anonymous]

OP - let me guess. Deep down inside you're horrified that you adopted a child who has some issues. So you do everything you can to make yourself seem like the perfect parent so that you can say "well I tried everything, she's just damaged". Newsflash, you are failing as a parent big time. You are so resistant to anyone who doesn't say you are doing a great job, it is ridiculous. I suggest family counseling before you completely ruin this child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She does enjoy praise, though. I am trying to find a good balance of discipline and praise. Just this morning the 4 of us did a deep kitchen cleaning. Her task was to move all the things off the counters and clean the kitchen counters. She announced she was through and when I looked she had not done a good job. So I thought a minute and decided I could do it myself but she wouldn't learn anything. No. So I called her in (she was watching a show on the computer when her sister-an earned privilege --reward). I told her I appreciated how she had a positive attitude and I knew it was a pain to unplug the mixer and toaster and other things to remove them from the counter and how the surface in front of the appliances was very clean. Then I had her wipe her finger where the toaster oven had been and especially where the waffle maker was and she was surprised to see how sticky those surfaces were. (I spray the waffle iron and didn't realize how much residue had accumulated). I told her that crumbs and dust stick to the counter if not washed and this could eventually get in our food and since we have 4 pets there is alot of "yuck" in the air) She got the cloth under hot water again and scrubbed till it wasn't sticky anymore. I then told her "Great- I have been a good teacher and you have been a great student".

She and her sister get lots of personal and together attention. DH is semi retired and spends more time with his children than the average working father. Walks, shopping, library trips, reading, game playing, errands, chores--we all do them together. And forget about movies. This is a child who cannot stand the sensory overload of a movie. Suspense puts her in a panic. She covers her ears in public toilets and at the beach. I think the child would go into a coma if she were to see a 3D movie. She won't even watch movies with us at home. She excuses herself. Only thing movie wise she will watch is Shawn the Sheep but only after we asked her to try and she could leave if it was too uncomfortable.

I think her main problems stem from her learning disabilities and we will need to learn further on how to deal with that.
Perhaps I will post in the special needs section.

OH MY GOD. Do you HEAR yourself?? You should have just said, "Great job, thank you." It ISN'T ABOUT YOU. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU BEING A GOOD TEACHER. Why would you even say that to her?????

I missed that first time through. Holy crap OP!! That is insane! She is a kid, she probably didn't think to unplug and lift up the appliances. My husband does the same thing. You should have reminded her nicely and helped move the big things, and then give her a huge hug for Doug such a great job. You manage to treat her like hired help and then praise yourself for lecturing her? Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She does enjoy praise, though. I am trying to find a good balance of discipline and praise. Just this morning the 4 of us did a deep kitchen cleaning. Her task was to move all the things off the counters and clean the kitchen counters. She announced she was through and when I looked she had not done a good job. So I thought a minute and decided I could do it myself but she wouldn't learn anything. No. So I called her in (she was watching a show on the computer when her sister-an earned privilege --reward). I told her I appreciated how she had a positive attitude and I knew it was a pain to unplug the mixer and toaster and other things to remove them from the counter and how the surface in front of the appliances was very clean. Then I had her wipe her finger where the toaster oven had been and especially where the waffle maker was and she was surprised to see how sticky those surfaces were. (I spray the waffle iron and didn't realize how much residue had accumulated). I told her that crumbs and dust stick to the counter if not washed and this could eventually get in our food and since we have 4 pets there is alot of "yuck" in the air) She got the cloth under hot water again and scrubbed till it wasn't sticky anymore. I then told her "Great- I have been a good teacher and you have been a great student".

She and her sister get lots of personal and together attention. DH is semi retired and spends more time with his children than the average working father. Walks, shopping, library trips, reading, game playing, errands, chores--we all do them together. And forget about movies. This is a child who cannot stand the sensory overload of a movie. Suspense puts her in a panic. She covers her ears in public toilets and at the beach. I think the child would go into a coma if she were to see a 3D movie. She won't even watch movies with us at home. She excuses herself. Only thing movie wise she will watch is Shawn the Sheep but only after we asked her to try and she could leave if it was too uncomfortable.

I think her main problems stem from her learning disabilities and we will need to learn further on how to deal with that.
Perhaps I will post in the special needs section.

OH MY GOD. Do you HEAR yourself?? You should have just said, "Great job, thank you." It ISN'T ABOUT YOU. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU BEING A GOOD TEACHER. Why would you even say that to her?????

I have to agree. You've burdened a simple household chore with the idea that this is part of her EDUCATION in capitol letters. This time she was a good student, implying that other times she isn't. Its just a chore. Again, you need some perspective. Reading comic books does not mean it has to be a reason for her to create comic books. A simple lie about potato chips should not cause her to lose privilege for a week. And completing a simple household chore does not mean she has suddenly become a good student. Your perspective is all off.

[Anonymous]

So she did the household chore poorly. Should I have said good job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So she did the household chore poorly. Should I have said good job?

No. And you are right to tell her what you expect and to make sure she does it (if you want to go that far). I have to admit, when I did dishes as a teen I never wiped the counters. I know my mom wanted me to do it -- I guess I just wasn't thinking about it b/c I was so happy with myself for getting the dishes done. She might have sent me back to do it on occassion, but it wasn't something she had to "teach" me to do. I was capable of knowing how to do it without someone "teaching" me. I just didn't do it b/c my thoughts were elsewhere and I was careless... but that's what it's like being a teen.

I know someone else whose parents always said "chip off the old block!" whenever she got an honor or good grades or something positive. It was like the parents wanted to take credit for her work. Don't be so quick to find mistakes. Be more aware of letting your daughter take credit for her achievements or just anything that she has done well/satisfactorily. It's not about you. She is separate from you. It's a fine line between parenting a child and controlling a child. As parents we have to teach, correct and make decisions for our babies. But, be mindfull that you may be crossing the line: even when you think you're complimenting her..... you're really turning the spotlight back on yourself (i.e. "what a good parent I am!"). That really undermines your child's sense of worth --- she can't do the smallest thing right without it being your accomplishment as well. She gets the message that apparently you are the reason she does anything right and SHE is to blame for anything she does wrong. That's not a good message.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am just curious. What do you do during the day? If you work outside the home, what is your profession? I assume you are hugely successful. From what colleges did you graduate? GPA? Honors graduate? Top of your class, right? You see where I'm going with this, OP? You must be flawless. Well, the world is not filled with perfect beings like you. Some of, God forbid, may have issues or learning disabilities. But, guess what? We may still be successful in life. You need to do a reality check and focus on what is good about your DD. She needs you to believe in her. It is not too late. In fact, middle school is a critical time for you help her build the confidence she will need later in life. I am a busy working professional but my 11 year old DD comes first. And, guess what? DD is ADHD and struggles with her reading and writing but she is good at so many things and has confidence a mile long. She is doing well in school with the right combination of accommodations. I do whatever is necessary to help her feel good about herself. She has been in Girl Scouts since she was 5. I can see her getting her Gold Award because she loves scouting and is dedicated to it. She is a wonderful competitive swimmer and basketball player. She loves sports and will try just about any sport. DD is very active and OP, I let her eat chips and other junk along with healthy foods. It's not the end of the world. She is a beautiful girl and I am not going to count every chip she eats. You need to get your priorities straight and ease up on DD. These years are critical. If you continue on the path you are on, you will lose her and she will resent her later in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So she did the household chore poorly. Should I have said good job?

You are so dense it is ridiculous. Let's hope the worst thing that comes out of this is that you and your daughter have a bad relationship, because I can think of a lot of worse situations you are putting her in because of your horrible parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am just curious. What do you do during the day? If you work outside the home, what is your profession? I assume you are hugely successful. From what colleges did you graduate? GPA? Honors graduate? Top of your class, right? You see where I'm going with this, OP? You must be flawless. Well, the world is not filled with perfect beings like you. Some of, God forbid, may have issues or learning disabilities. But, guess what? We may still be successful in life. You need to do a reality check and focus on what is good about your DD. She needs you to believe in her. It is not too late. In fact, middle school is a critical time for you help her build the confidence she will need later in life. I am a busy working professional but my 11 year old DD comes first. And, guess what? DD is ADHD and struggles with her reading and writing but she is good at so many things and has confidence a mile long. She is doing well in school with the right combination of accommodations. I do whatever is necessary to help her feel good about herself. She has been in Girl Scouts since she was 5. I can see her getting her Gold Award because she loves scouting and is dedicated to it. She is a wonderful competitive swimmer and basketball player. She loves sports and will try just about any sport. DD is very active and OP, I let her eat chips and other junk along with healthy foods. It's not the end of the world. She is a beautiful girl and I am not going to count every chip she eats. You need to get your priorities straight and ease up on DD. These years are critical. If you continue on the path you are on, you will lose her and she will resent her later in life.

Now YOU sound like a great mom. Hopefully OP will actually take this advice instead of being dismissive.

[Anonymous]

Yes we do put a great deal of emphasis on academics-right or wrong. We live In a neighborhood with PhDs around every corner ( including my son, her older brother). One time while in a conference with her teacher I said "God forbid anybody be average in Bethesda" It got a big laugh or groan from all the other academics at the conference table.

When I floundered in school my father used to put me down with "Well we better get ready to send you to hair twisting school" meaning working in a beauty salon was what my future held and believe me that was not a compliment. He was dead by the time I got my MBA but it was something I was and am extremely proud of even if I was 28 when I got it. He was a grade A snob about class and education even though he certainly didn't come from anything other than blue collar stock. He was Army Colonel and I remember riding around on base and him pointing out certain women with remarks like "must be the wife of an enlisted man". See what I mean?

DH came from blue collar family and he was the first to go to college. He is Mensa member with two degrees obtained after the age of 35. Self made man if there ever was one so he too appreciate academics very much.

So in the context of our family background, our community and the standards we have set this dd's academic challenges are a shortcoming. I cringe to think how she will handle high school. If she doesn't at least do average work in high school the other kids will make her life miserable. Our high school has a rate of almost 99% going to college. The ironic thing is we moved here from the south for more diversity and opportunity in this community. If we had stayed in our Georgia community her academic struggles would have been right on par with everybody else and she wouldn't stand out as particularly challenged at all but then the other dd wouldn't get the enrichment opportunities she gets here. Oh well- it is what it is.

Girls have been home for awhile now. DD is outside playing with her friends (her best neighborhood GF is 6 which is another thread all together) while other DD is on the computer looking up Mesopotamia. Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So she did the household chore poorly. Should I have said good job?

It sounds like she did the chore well for a CHILD. Once you showed her your crazy exacting standards, she did even better. You are seriously ruining this poor kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes we do put a great deal of emphasis on academics-right or wrong. We live In a neighborhood with PhDs around every corner ( including my son, her older brother). One time while in a conference with her teacher I said "God forbid anybody be average in Bethesda" It got a big laugh or groan from all the other academics at the conference table.

When I floundered in school my father used to put me down with "Well we better get ready to send you to hair twisting school" meaning working in a beauty salon was what my future held and believe me that was not a compliment. He was dead by the time I got my MBA but it was something I was and am extremely proud of even if I was 28 when I got it. He was a grade A snob about class and education even though he certainly didn't come from anything other than blue collar stock. He was Army Colonel and I remember riding around on base and him pointing out certain women with remarks like "must be the wife of an enlisted man". See what I mean?

DH came from blue collar family and he was the first to go to college. He is Mensa member with two degrees obtained after the age of 35. Self made man if there ever was one so he too appreciate academics very much.

So in the context of our family background, our community and the standards we have set this dd's academic challenges are a shortcoming. I cringe to think how she will handle high school. If she doesn't at least do average work in high school the other kids will make her life miserable. Our high school has a rate of almost 99% going to college. The ironic thing is we moved here from the south for more diversity and opportunity in this community. If we had stayed in our Georgia community her academic struggles would have been right on par with everybody else and she wouldn't stand out as particularly challenged at all but then the other dd wouldn't get the enrichment opportunities she gets here. Oh well- it is what it is.

Girls have been home for awhile now. DD is outside playing with her friends (her best neighborhood GF is 6 which is another thread all together) while other DD is on the computer looking up Mesopotamia. Wow.

You are a horrible excuse for a mom. It is a shame this child was put in your care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am just curious. What do you do during the day? If you work outside the home, what is your profession? I assume you are hugely successful. From what colleges did you graduate? GPA? Honors graduate? Top of your class, right? You see where I'm going with this, OP? You must be flawless. Well, the world is not filled with perfect beings like you. Some of, God forbid, may have issues or learning disabilities. But, guess what? We may still be successful in life. You need to do a reality check and focus on what is good about your DD. She needs you to believe in her. It is not too late. In fact, middle school is a critical time for you help her build the confidence she will need later in life. I am a busy working professional but my 11 year old DD comes first. And, guess what? DD is ADHD and struggles with her reading and writing but she is good at so many things and has confidence a mile long. She is doing well in school with the right combination of accommodations. I do whatever is necessary to help her feel good about herself. She has been in Girl Scouts since she was 5. I can see her getting her Gold Award because she loves scouting and is dedicated to it. She is a wonderful competitive swimmer and basketball player. She loves sports and will try just about any sport. DD is very active and OP, I let her eat chips and other junk along with healthy foods. It's not the end of the world. She is a beautiful girl and I am not going to count every chip she eats. You need to get your priorities straight and ease up on DD. These years are critical. If you continue on the path you are on, you will lose her and she will resent her later in life.

Now YOU sound like a great mom. Hopefully OP will actually take this advice instead of being dismissive.

Thank you, PP. I am sure you are too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am just curious. What do you do during the day? If you work outside the home, what is your profession? I assume you are hugely successful. From what colleges did you graduate? GPA? Honors graduate? Top of your class, right? You see where I'm going with this, OP? You must be flawless. Well, the world is not filled with perfect beings like you. Some of, God forbid, may have issues or learning disabilities. But, guess what? We may still be successful in life. You need to do a reality check and focus on what is good about your DD. She needs you to believe in her. It is not too late. In fact, middle school is a critical time for you help her build the confidence she will need later in life. I am a busy working professional but my 11 year old DD comes first. And, guess what? DD is ADHD and struggles with her reading and writing but she is good at so many things and has confidence a mile long. She is doing well in school with the right combination of accommodations. I do whatever is necessary to help her feel good about herself. She has been in Girl Scouts since she was 5. I can see her getting her Gold Award because she loves scouting and is dedicated to it. She is a wonderful competitive swimmer and basketball player. She loves sports and will try just about any sport. DD is very active and OP, I let her eat chips and other junk along with healthy foods. It's not the end of the world. She is a beautiful girl and I am not going to count every chip she eats. You need to get your priorities straight and ease up on DD. These years are critical. If you continue on the path you are on, you will lose her and she will resent her later in life.

We have signed her up for countless actives, trying to find something for her to excel at. It has not come yet. We will encourage her to meet her goals even if they are not the goals we had for ourselves. I have no fear she will eventually make a contribution to society which is ultimately what we teach our children what is most important. If that is by being an honest and skilled ditch digger than that is something we will have to learn to love! If it is being a honest and caring nurse or school teacher we will be fine. I went to school in the same community where we now live but spent more than 40 years living all around the country. I might be projecting my own difficulties on this child because I was not the sharpest pencil in the box in the same high school system and I felt so "less than". And I took my value from attention of boys. We always want to help our kids avoid the same struggles we had as youngsters. I was a late bloomer going back to school at age 27 to finish my degree and get my MBA. I dropped out of college at barely 19.

[Anonymous]

Your other DD is a weirdo to be looking up Mesopotamia on the computer on her first night off school ahead of a 4 day weekend. Your DD who is a social butterfly sounds like she's doing a totally age-appropriate thing. And I would totally choose hanging out with a 6 year old than being in your house with the kind of derision you heap on the poor child!!!