Anyone find it hard to give up the DINK lifestyle to have kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It gets boring. Every year it loses a little bit of the novelty. You have traveled there, eaten at that restaurant, your friends have kids, you become the older people in the room. Something is missing. It did not hit me till my late 30's.

OP here. I do feel that something is missing, and I've been feeling that way for a few years now. But at the same time, the DINK lifestyle has definitely not lost its novelty. In fact, I find myself wanting DH and I to re-create some of the activities of our twenty-something days, such as going out clubbing, going to lots of social group events and hanging out with friends a lot of the time. I like having our weekends jam packed with get togethers and events, dinners out and activities in the city.

OP, based on this post, I don't think you are ready to have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're in your mid-30s and have been married 7 years, you didn't get married all that early! I was married in my early 20s, and we did talk about our plans to have kids even then. We had Kid 1 before we turned 30, and Kid 2 just after. I'd guess that the reason the issue never arose has less to do with your age at marriage than with the fact that kids weren't a priority for you, at least at that time.

I'm going to guess you are at least 38 or older. This is obviously a singular perspective, and I am not espousing a global norm, but in my experience there is a HUGE canyon between women born before and after about 1975, and the perspectives/norms that shaped their 20's. Those born before about '75 placed an earlier time frame on next step life goals. To a very large degree, the women I know in this age group had a preconceived concept of reaching marriage and starting families in their 30's. They all seemed to get their 20's out of their system in their 20's. Those younger than that cutoff raised the bar by about 10 years, and set mental goals of marriage and family for their 40's. It's not scientific by any stretch, and it's a very microscopic context, but I know several women separated in age by only 2 or 3 years that have drastically different perspectives on age/milestone expectations. And in all cases the younger women gave themselves MUCH more time to live the 20's lifestyle and achieve personal ambitions. Point being, the needle of attitude change was moved exponentially with women about that age. Interestingly, they also all seem to share a similar divide on their attitudes of waxing. It's almost as if denuding ourselves was the GenY version of bra burning.

New poster here. Your assessment may or may not be true. You have not provided any good evidence. It sounds like you are making lots of noise based on you bias. Bigger picture is that women have biological clocks to remind them that they are supposed to have children. Luckily, there is enough people on board with this or else we would have become extinct.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you have any physical issues or disabilities or disorders, because this is very important. Motherhood is all consuming and will change your life dramatically, some people are not able to handle this physically. Don’t worry so much about DINK lifestyle. This is not what is important. Make sure you are ready for motherhood and can handle its demands physically, this is most important. You can always resume some of your travel and going out later when kids are older, life does not end when you have kids. If you have anxiety disorder, heart problems, other issues that require that you have sufficient sleep, rest or relaxation, then think carefully before having kids. Make sure to arrange to live near family and or have enough money to afford weekend nannies, or a live-in help, etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I find it hard to believe that this topic never came up during courtship. The way I see it, either you have a kid that you will definitely not enjoy or not have a kid and you risk losing your marriage. Children are a deal breaker for most people so you will have to do some serious soul searching.
Did you marry for money?

It never came up during courtship because DH and I were 23 when we met, and having kids was not something that we could relate to at all. The concept of having kids never even entered my mind until I turned 30. DH certainly never brought it up before marriage or until our early 30's. I think I had a vague idea that maybe I wanted kids someday, but I never thought about it more than that because I really don't like kids very much. I have never felt a maternal desire for kids and I don't enjoy being around other people's kids. I always assumed I'd be an older mom, having my first kid in my late 30's.

I've changed my mind after reading this post. Between your attitude and your DH's long work hours, definitely do not have kids. You are not interested enough.

Why? Because she is being open and honest about her ambivalence?

I didn't like kids, either. I very seriously considered having my tubes tied in my early 20s. I never thought I would like kids. Then I met a kid -only one - I did like. He was my nephew, my older sister's first (and only) child.

For awhile, after I had mine (2), I would smile at other people's kids and at other babies and so on. Now that my youngest is 6, guess what? I still don't really like anybody else's random kid. I like some of my kids' friends and I still coo over close friends' kids, but in general I do not like kids. I would, however, lay down my life for mine - anytime, any place, and for any reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It gets boring. Every year it loses a little bit of the novelty. You have traveled there, eaten at that restaurant, your friends have kids, you become the older peopleo in the room. Something is missing. It did not hit me till my late 30's.

OP here. I do feel that something is missing, and I've been feeling that way for a few years now. But at the same time, the DINK lifestyle has definitely not lost its novelty. In fact, I find myself wanting DH and I to re-create some of the activities of our twenty-something days, such as going out clubbing, going to lots of social group events and hanging out with friends a lot of the time. I like having our weekends jam packed with get togethers and events, dinners out and activities in the city.

OP, based on this post, I don't think you are ready to have kids.

This is why the us sucks. There is no reason to believe that having kids means the end of fun and socializing! You just have to figure out how to fit a kid into it. The Europeans understand this.

[Anonymous]

OP does not want kids, period. She claimed that kids were never discussed before marriage. She's just trying to figure out a way to persuade her husband to wait some more. Sooner or later she will be able to blame this on fertility issues and not be the bad guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We were DINKS for 7 years before kids. I met DH at 25. We married at 28. We traveled abroad, lived abroad, moved around, partied like mad and skyrocketed in our careers. I started to feel a void...I had run marathons, been just about everywhere, the party scene was no longer appealing...I did start to feel like something was missing. For me taht was kids---but I was scared sh*tless to do it. Finally, one day...wth we decided. I got pregnant first shot so there was no time to think about it. I had my first at 35 and second at 38. We are in are early 40s and happy as can be. I don't feel like I missed out on anything. Waiting let me be in a flexible place in my career..I now WAH. I really can't imagine never having experienced this amount of joy and love. DH and I wouldn't turn back time and have no second thoughts. We got two good ones.

I agree completely and could have written this myself (though we married a bit later in our mid-30s). Life is so good!

I do look forward to travelling again (with and without the kiddos), but I am comfortable waiting for them to be a few years older. Many of my friends travel with small kids, but we know ourselves well enough to know it wouldn't be fun for us. I'd rather wait until the youngest is 3 or 4. YMMV.

Two things that help make this work for me: (1) I love my job. It's satisfying and stimulating but also flexible. It keeps me balanced and sane but never interferes with my family life; and (2) My DH feels the same way I do. He's so happy to have the kids and be at this stage in his life. It's certainly not always easy, but we're 100% in it together, and having kids has made our marriage and our lives richer than we ever expected.