Reply to Was your mother a "yeller," how did it affect you?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
I went in the opposite direction. I chose to never degrade myself in the same way that my parents did when they threw loud fits.

It disgusts me so I refuse to model the same for my kids.

[/quote]

OK, but HOW? NP here, and I'm a yeller too. My mom never yelled, but my dad was awful and I remember how it affected me - we have a strained relationship to this day. I am working really hard to change because I see myself turning into him and I hate it! I just finished 7 weeks worth of anger management classes, and found them only moderately helpful. When I lose it, I lose it big time. I hate what it's doing to my kids and my relationship with them, but try as I might, I am having a very hard time. About 80% of the time I can find it in myself to walk away, or count, breathe, whatever. But the rest of the time I just can't help myself. Not sure what's next. I could really use some practical tips. [/quote]

I'm a yeller- I hate it. My DS has ADHD and I feel like I have to repeat myself constantly, he moves slowly, always off task, and does impulsive destructive things... it drives me nuts. He has a medical reason for behaving this way, and it still drives me nuts. Unfortunately, yelling and being argumentative teaches my son to do the same.

One of the best things for our family is a routine. I have a whiteboard describing required and fun activities each day. It helps because I can better anticipate trouble times and mentally prepare. My son knows what to expect and it helps (doesn't cure) some behavior problems.

I realize that we're peas in a pod- our anger (mine and my DS's) stems from anxiety and perfectionism. A written routine (general, not crazy structured) helps our anxiety and perfectionism *a lot* because we feel like we're making progress and know what to expect. [/quote]

pp here- I'll say something else too. Recently, I became angry and yelled at my DS- he said "why do you have to ruin everything?" I thought "my gosh, he's right." I'm a "good" mom and mostly do the right things- but my kid needs me to be predictable and empathetic more than anything else. Being a person he can emotionally depend upon is more important than a nutritious breakfast or driving to a bunch of activities or checking homework.

I know this because my own mom was a yeller and completely unpredictable. It was hell to never know what to expect. To this day, I can barely stand the sight of her because of the yelling and additional emotional abuse she inflicted.

I am working very hard to manage my emotions- my son and I are very close now, but too much yelling and as an adult he will look at me the way I look at my own mother. I would seriously die inside of my son learned to not love me or respect me- especially of I did enough to deserve it. [/quote]

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