Discipline pet peeve: "give him a hug!"

[Anonymous]

So dehumanizing, it is like you are seeing the other child as an object. And how could you possibly know the other 2.5 year old child's intentions?

Yea, good to see that you picked up on the relevant parts of my post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm one of the pro-huggers on here. My youngest kid is a real hugger. He hugs everything . . . books, dolls, blankets, you name it. We actually have to stop him from going up to random children on the playground and hugging them. He's only 23 months old, so he's learning. He has delayed speech, and is in therapy for that. Saying "I'm sorry" is not something he can do yet. He's only up to about 50 single words. When he and his older brother fight, I do have them make up with hugs. It is really the only way the 23 month old can demonstrate to his older brother that he's sorry and ready to move past whatever it was that was going on.

On the playground, if he does something to hurt or scare another child, I always correct him, tell him why he was wrong, and then ASK the other child if they would like a hug. 99% of the time they nod yes. Now, if your child nods yes but secretly you are seething inside, that isn't my problem. If your child is old enough to speak and does not want a hug, tell them to say no. If they are too young to speak, you should hopefully be nearby so you can say no for them.

This isn't something I'm going to stop doing. I see no harm in asking a question. I do get it that people don't want a FORCED hug. But I see nothing wrong with asking. So I will continue to be that mom at the playground.


Wait, I'm not sure I understand. Your son is speech delayed so he can't say "sorry" but he can say "would you like a hug?" And you expect another child child to be able to say yes or no or understand it? I actually have less of a problem with people who actually ask about the hug, but something tells me your child is not really asking. I like how you say your child is not a good communicator, so he has to use physical stuff to get his point across, but make no allowance for whether or not the other child may be in a similar situation. In that case, you really might have a toddler push or hit your child attempting to hug him. This is what my little one did a few times when this has happened. The kid had already hit him, then was coming in for a hug, and my son doesn't know how to differentiate between a hug and a hit when it's like 15 seconds later and just thinks he is going to be hit again, so he defended himself. So this leaves me in the position of not wanting to allow my son to hit someone, but needing to recognize this is my son defending himself, not just striking someone. He does not understand nuances yet, he's barely two. I never seethe when kids hit one another. It's this oddball hugging that bugs me. And someone like you, who now knows that it bothers people's CHILDREN, will stubbornly refuse to stop doing it because you are that sure you can never be wrong. Sad.

Calm down and read. He's quite young still so I keep a close eye on him on the playground. I said I correct his behavior with him, and I ask the other child if he or she would like a hug. I'm sorry your child's first reaction to all contact is to hit other children. That is something you might want to work on. At the playground we frequent, the parents are great and all the neighborhood know each other by name. There aren't really "strangers" playing there. If I asked your toddler if he wanted a hug and he didn't respond at all, or said no, case closed- we'd move on. If you aren't around to deal with your child who is likely to physically attack anyone who touches him - again, that is something you probably need to work on.

Wow, you are odious. Let me make it easier for you. I mean, are you kidding with that? My child's "first reaction" to "all contact" is to hit other children? Holy crap, we're talking about a child's reaction to YOUR kid's hit, not the other way around. Sounds like you're telling me that it's worse for my child to defend himself than it is for your child to have hit him? Your kid obviously does since you have this hitting hug apology thing, which is weird. So you should go ahead and work on your kid hitting in the first place, which is actually something my child does not do - at least, not yet. He has actually never hit anyone. But if someone hits him, then comes at him again with his arms out, he is not likely to understand that *this* time, your child plans to hug him, not hit him. It is understandable that another child will perceive this as another incoming. Honestly, teach your kid to keep his hands to himself and this won't be a problem. There really should not be a second and third time for the hitting crap. If your kid is a hitter, work on it. And as a clue, the "hug" is obviously not working as a response for your kid either, if he keeps on hitting. The real "consequence" of hitting or hurting someone is that the other person may not want to play with him anymore. When my kid gets hit, he doesn't want to fucking play with your kid anymore. He backs away and looks for a non-hitter. If you can't see that, and you encourage your kid to just go ahead and hug, you're a huge idiot. I hate to stoop to name calling, but honestly, it's unbelievable that someone can be this dense. Are you just pulling my leg?

In any case, this is definitely not my issue to work out, it is yours. And honestly, if this is not just an isolated parenting quirk, you are going to notice that more and more children avoid yours. Don't do that to your kid. People have tried to be nice telling you that it's not a good reaction. Why can't you receive and respect what other people are saying?

It seems like you're just trying to be a jerk to me anyway. Obviously, none of the parents posting here have suggested that they are "not around" to intervene, you're just making that assumption in order to be rude because you are having a hard time defending your parenting. My child is two, lady; I'm never more than a couple of steps away. Likewise, my child is not "likely to physically attack anyone who touches him," as you so ridiculously claim. What a goofy exaggeration. There's a highway between that weird accusation and the situation we are discussing, where is a child hits my son then comes at him again. My two year old does not know that your child has decided not to hit him this time, but rather, to hug him. Are you SERIOUSLY unable to comprehend that?

Anyway, I do intervene but what people are saying is that it's ridiculous that we have to because this is a ridiculous and idiotic parenting move. People are telling you they don't like this, and you are insisting that you're still going to do it. That makes you kind of an asshole, lady. And I bet your "first name basis" playground parents would agree - they're just probably too polite to tell you off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I'm one of the pro-huggers on here. My youngest kid is a real hugger. He hugs everything . . . books, dolls, blankets, you name it. We actually have to stop him from going up to random children on the playground and hugging them. He's only 23 months old, so he's learning. He has delayed speech, and is in therapy for that. Saying "I'm sorry" is not something he can do yet. He's only up to about 50 single words. When he and his older brother fight, I do have them make up with hugs. It is really the only way the 23 month old can demonstrate to his older brother that he's sorry and ready to move past whatever it was that was going on.

On the playground, if he does something to hurt or scare another child, I always correct him, tell him why he was wrong, and then ASK the other child if they would like a hug. 99% of the time they nod yes. Now, if your child nods yes but secretly you are seething inside, that isn't my problem. If your child is old enough to speak and does not want a hug, tell them to say no. If they are too young to speak, you should hopefully be nearby so you can say no for them.

This isn't something I'm going to stop doing. I see no harm in asking a question. I do get it that people don't want a FORCED hug. But I see nothing wrong with asking. So I will continue to be that mom at the playground.


Wait, I'm not sure I understand. Your son is speech delayed so he can't say "sorry" but he can say "would you like a hug?" And you expect another child child to be able to say yes or no or understand it? I actually have less of a problem with people who actually ask about the hug, but something tells me your child is not really asking. I like how you say your child is not a good communicator, so he has to use physical stuff to get his point across, but make no allowance for whether or not the other child may be in a similar situation. In that case, you really might have a toddler push or hit your child attempting to hug him. This is what my little one did a few times when this has happened. The kid had already hit him, then was coming in for a hug, and my son doesn't know how to differentiate between a hug and a hit when it's like 15 seconds later and just thinks he is going to be hit again, so he defended himself. So this leaves me in the position of not wanting to allow my son to hit someone, but needing to recognize this is my son defending himself, not just striking someone. He does not understand nuances yet, he's barely two. I never seethe when kids hit one another. It's this oddball hugging that bugs me. And someone like you, who now knows that it bothers people's CHILDREN, will stubbornly refuse to stop doing it because you are that sure you can never be wrong. Sad.

Calm down and read. He's quite young still so I keep a close eye on him on the playground. I said I correct his behavior with him, and I ask the other child if he or she would like a hug. I'm sorry your child's first reaction to all contact is to hit other children. That is something you might want to work on. At the playground we frequent, the parents are great and all the neighborhood know each other by name. There aren't really "strangers" playing there. If I asked your toddler if he wanted a hug and he didn't respond at all, or said no, case closed- we'd move on. If you aren't around to deal with your child who is likely to physically attack anyone who touches him - again, that is something you probably need to work on.

Wow, you are odious. Let me make it easier for you. I mean, are you kidding with that? My child's "first reaction" to "all contact" is to hit other children? Holy crap, we're talking about a child's reaction to YOUR kid's hit, not the other way around. Sounds like you're telling me that it's worse for my child to defend himself than it is for your child to have hit him? Your kid obviously does since you have this hitting hug apology thing, which is weird. So you should go ahead and work on your kid hitting in the first place, which is actually something my child does not do - at least, not yet. He has actually never hit anyone. But if someone hits him, then comes at him again with his arms out, he is not likely to understand that *this* time, your child plans to hug him, not hit him. It is understandable that another child will perceive this as another incoming. Honestly, teach your kid to keep his hands to himself and this won't be a problem. There really should not be a second and third time for the hitting crap. If your kid is a hitter, work on it. And as a clue, the "hug" is obviously not working as a response for your kid either, if he keeps on hitting. The real "consequence" of hitting or hurting someone is that the other person may not want to play with him anymore. When my kid gets hit, he doesn't want to fucking play with your kid anymore. He backs away and looks for a non-hitter. If you can't see that, and you encourage your kid to just go ahead and hug, you're a huge idiot. I hate to stoop to name calling, but honestly, it's unbelievable that someone can be this dense. Are you just pulling my leg?

In any case, this is definitely not my issue to work out, it is yours. And honestly, if this is not just an isolated parenting quirk, you are going to notice that more and more children avoid yours. Don't do that to your kid. People have tried to be nice telling you that it's not a good reaction. Why can't you receive and respect what other people are saying?

It seems like you're just trying to be a jerk to me anyway. Obviously, none of the parents posting here have suggested that they are "not around" to intervene, you're just making that assumption in order to be rude because you are having a hard time defending your parenting. My child is two, lady; I'm never more than a couple of steps away. Likewise, my child is not "likely to physically attack anyone who touches him," as you so ridiculously claim. What a goofy exaggeration. There's a highway between that weird accusation and the situation we are discussing, where is a child hits my son then comes at him again. My two year old does not know that your child has decided not to hit him this time, but rather, to hug him. Are you SERIOUSLY unable to comprehend that?

Anyway, I do intervene but what people are saying is that it's ridiculous that we have to because this is a ridiculous and idiotic parenting move. People are telling you they don't like this, and you are insisting that you're still going to do it. That makes you kind of an asshole, lady. And I bet your "first name basis" playground parents would agree - they're just probably too polite to tell you off.

I really think I love you. Thank you for this post. Enough said on the subject. Nailed right here.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe the thread made it this far without anyone pointing out that 2-year olds are incapable of showing empathy. There's no point in forcing any apology or hug on them because it means nothing to them, it teaches them nothing other than that some ritual -- hugging, an apology -- seems to satisfy the parent. It may also be a way to get mom's attention when she's not paying attention. "Bad" attention is better than none.

The best way to teach them not to hit and to understand that it hurts others is to focus all of the attention on the victim, and isolate the hitter. This teaches them that (a) hitting doesn't get them attention, it gets the other person attention, and (b) hitting means they can't play with the other person (at least for the duration of the time out). Those are lessons a 2 year old can understand.

[Anonymous]

Wow, you are odious. Let me make it easier for you. I mean, are you kidding with that? My child's "first reaction" to "all contact" is to hit other children? Holy crap, we're talking about a child's reaction to YOUR kid's hit, not the other way around. Sounds like you're telling me that it's worse for my child to defend himself than it is for your child to have hit him? Your kid obviously does since you have this hitting hug apology thing, which is weird. So you should go ahead and work on your kid hitting in the first place, which is actually something my child does not do - at least, not yet. He has actually never hit anyone. But if someone hits him, then comes at him again with his arms out, he is not likely to understand that *this* time, your child plans to hug him, not hit him. It is understandable that another child will perceive this as another incoming. Honestly, teach your kid to keep his hands to himself and this won't be a problem. There really should not be a second and third time for the hitting crap. If your kid is a hitter, work on it. And as a clue, the "hug" is obviously not working as a response for your kid either, if he keeps on hitting. The real "consequence" of hitting or hurting someone is that the other person may not want to play with him anymore. When my kid gets hit, he doesn't want to fucking play with your kid anymore. He backs away and looks for a non-hitter. If you can't see that, and you encourage your kid to just go ahead and hug, you're a huge idiot. I hate to stoop to name calling, but honestly, it's unbelievable that someone can be this dense. Are you just pulling my leg?

In any case, this is definitely not my issue to work out, it is yours. And honestly, if this is not just an isolated parenting quirk, you are going to notice that more and more children avoid yours. Don't do that to your kid. People have tried to be nice telling you that it's not a good reaction. Why can't you receive and respect what other people are saying?

It seems like you're just trying to be a jerk to me anyway. Obviously, none of the parents posting here have suggested that they are "not around" to intervene, you're just making that assumption in order to be rude because you are having a hard time defending your parenting. My child is two, lady; I'm never more than a couple of steps away. Likewise, my child is not "likely to physically attack anyone who touches him," as you so ridiculously claim. What a goofy exaggeration. There's a highway between that weird accusation and the situation we are discussing, where is a child hits my son then comes at him again. My two year old does not know that your child has decided not to hit him this time, but rather, to hug him. Are you SERIOUSLY unable to comprehend that?

Anyway, I do intervene but what people are saying is that it's ridiculous that we have to because this is a ridiculous and idiotic parenting move. People are telling you they don't like this, and you are insisting that you're still going to do it. That makes you kind of an asshole, lady. And I bet your "first name basis" playground parents would agree - they're just probably too polite to tell you off.

Someone needs to take her prozac . . . .

Are you people for real? What started off as some hypothetical turns into personal attacks on strangers kids. My god people. OMFG. Wow. just. wow.

[Anonymous]

14:11, I'm the person you were talking to. I actually mentioned this thread to some of the neighborhood moms the other day, and they all thought it was crazy, too. I've thought about it some and I agree a hug from a perfect stranger could be odd, but the kids in our neighborhood have known each other all their lives and are practically siblings. They really don't care.

The fact remains that my son gives hugs to demonstrate remorse/make amends or whatever it is toddlers feel at that age. I always ask the other kid if they want a hug. Either they do or they don't. I don't see a problem with asking a child a question and respecting their answer.

I do have a problem with DC mommies having all these unwritten playground rules and then judge other parents based on their violation of these silly totally random rules. Fine if your kid doesn't want a hug. If he's old enough to say no, have him say no. It is a good skill to learn - all children who are able to speak should be encouraged to speak up when there is unwanted touching. If he's too young to respond for himself, you are right there and you can respond however you want. Go ahead, be snarky about it. It will define you, not me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:14:11, I'm the person you were talking to. I actually mentioned this thread to some of the neighborhood moms the other day, and they all thought it was crazy, too. I've thought about it some and I agree a hug from a perfect stranger could be odd, but the kids in our neighborhood have known each other all their lives and are practically siblings. They really don't care.

The fact remains that my son gives hugs to demonstrate remorse/make amends or whatever it is toddlers feel at that age. I always ask the other kid if they want a hug. Either they do or they don't. I don't see a problem with asking a child a question and respecting their answer.

I do have a problem with DC mommies having all these unwritten playground rules and then judge other parents based on their violation of these silly totally random rules. Fine if your kid doesn't want a hug. If he's old enough to say no, have him say no. It is a good skill to learn - all children who are able to speak should be encouraged to speak up when there is unwanted touching. If he's too young to respond for himself, you are right there and you can respond however you want. Go ahead, be snarky about it. It will define you, not me.

Do you SERIOUSLY not get that if a child is struck, and that same person (whether he knows that person or not!) comes right back at him, the child who was hit is going to be afraid or angry or just plain old likely to defend him / herself?

After someone hits YOU, (on purpose), do you want a hug from that person immediately after? Or do you want them to back off and keep their hands off of you? A child who has been hit needs some space to recover. He should not be hugged by the hitter. Ever. And you're making other parents defend their kids. You must hang out at a really wack playground. There are many "unwritten" rules of the playground, such as "don't set the place on fire." "Don't take a crap in somebody's lunchbox." "Realize that you and your child are not the only ones at the park and behave accordingly." Do you really need a written rule for this? When your kid hits someone, your first concern would be with making sure you don't make the situation worse. Allowing your child to express remorse or apologize or whatever else comes SECOND. And only in a way that doesn't make the other kid feel worse / more scared / more upset. Good god, you are a dumbass. And I don't believe you got real live people to agree that your approach is okay.

[Anonymous]

^^ Don't even try anymore. She doesn't have sufficient brain cells to comprehend what you're saying.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand what the issue is. It's very straightforward. If your child hits another child, your child gets a time out. No apologies or hugs needed.

My daughter is 22 months and she hits sometimes. I don't make it the other child's problem, or the other mother's. Instead, I separate my DC from the action by giving her a brief "time out" (the term is a stretch for this age, but the intent applies). On the way to the time out, I say, "No DC! That hurts!"

It's pretty straight forward and effective. When she's older I might try to layer in an apology. but for now I'm just teaching her that 1) hitting is not okay and it makes mommy mad, 2) hitting other people leads to her not getting to have fun for a while, and 3) hitting hurts people.

The hugging thing? Seems like it's a way for moms to try to preserve the peace by not giving their child a real consequence for their behaviour.

[Anonymous]

Do you SERIOUSLY not get that if a child is struck, and that same person (whether he knows that person or not!) comes right back at him, the child who was hit is going to be afraid or angry or just plain old likely to defend him / herself?

After someone hits YOU, (on purpose), do you want a hug from that person immediately after? Or do you want them to back off and keep their hands off of you? A child who has been hit needs some space to recover. He should not be hugged by the hitter. Ever. And you're making other parents defend their kids. You must hang out at a really wack playground. There are many "unwritten" rules of the playground, such as "don't set the place on fire." "Don't take a crap in somebody's lunchbox." "Realize that you and your child are not the only ones at the park and behave accordingly." Do you really need a written rule for this? When your kid hits someone, your first concern would be with making sure you don't make the situation worse. Allowing your child to express remorse or apologize or whatever else comes SECOND. And only in a way that doesn't make the other kid feel worse / more scared / more upset. Good god, you are a dumbass. And I don't believe you got real live people to agree that your approach is okay.

Either you aren't reading what I'm writing, or you are purposely altering the scenario to suit your case. When I do this, there is never a situation where one child strikes another and immediately goes back in for a hug. Does not happen. What I've tried several times to explain to you is that an adult steps in, corrects the offending child, verbally apologizes to the other child, and asks the other child (and that child's parent, if present) if they would like a hug. Maybe they do, maybe they don't. I've never seen the scenario you described actually played out in real life. I'm sure it has, but not with my kid.

The reason it works so well in our neighborhood playground is because all the kids know each other so well. They get along 99% of the time. Sometimes the little ones who are still testing limits or aren't verbal enough to express themselves to get grabby or pushy, and the parents are all pretty great about stepping in to resolve it. The kids are back playing happily within minutes, if not seconds.

I don't know . . . maybe this is a city vs a suburb thing. I can see not using this approach at a big playground like Clemyjontri, with lots of strangers and wackos about. But this is pretty much what we do in my neighborhood. Sorry that offends you, but I think we are going to have to agree to disagree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Do you SERIOUSLY not get that if a child is struck, and that same person (whether he knows that person or not!) comes right back at him, the child who was hit is going to be afraid or angry or just plain old likely to defend him / herself?

After someone hits YOU, (on purpose), do you want a hug from that person immediately after? Or do you want them to back off and keep their hands off of you? A child who has been hit needs some space to recover. He should not be hugged by the hitter. Ever. And you're making other parents defend their kids. You must hang out at a really wack playground. There are many "unwritten" rules of the playground, such as "don't set the place on fire." "Don't take a crap in somebody's lunchbox." "Realize that you and your child are not the only ones at the park and behave accordingly." Do you really need a written rule for this? When your kid hits someone, your first concern would be with making sure you don't make the situation worse. Allowing your child to express remorse or apologize or whatever else comes SECOND. And only in a way that doesn't make the other kid feel worse / more scared / more upset. Good god, you are a dumbass. And I don't believe you got real live people to agree that your approach is okay.

Either you aren't reading what I'm writing, or you are purposely altering the scenario to suit your case. When I do this, there is never a situation where one child strikes another and immediately goes back in for a hug. Does not happen. What I've tried several times to explain to you is that an adult steps in, corrects the offending child, verbally apologizes to the other child, and asks the other child (and that child's parent, if present) if they would like a hug. Maybe they do, maybe they don't. I've never seen the scenario you described actually played out in real life. I'm sure it has, but not with my kid.

The reason it works so well in our neighborhood playground is because all the kids know each other so well. They get along 99% of the time. Sometimes the little ones who are still testing limits or aren't verbal enough to express themselves to get grabby or pushy, and the parents are all pretty great about stepping in to resolve it. The kids are back playing happily within minutes, if not seconds.

I don't know . . . maybe this is a city vs a suburb thing. I can see not using this approach at a big playground like Clemyjontri, with lots of strangers and wackos about. But this is pretty much what we do in my neighborhood. Sorry that offends you, but I think we are going to have to agree to disagree.

Whatever. I don't know where Jumanji is or whatever, but I live in the city. On the Hill.

[Anonymous]

This thread is an excellent example of the complete idiocy that can happen on DCUM. People don't read carefully, they project their own shit on to other people, and they respond as though they are actually having a conversation with one other person, instead of grasping that this is an anonymous forum and these various responses probably come from a bunch of different people.

Some of you anti-huggers, even if I agree with the basic principle the OP was talking about, are off-the-rails batshit crazy. You really are.

[Anonymous]

Either you aren't reading what I'm writing, or you are purposely altering the scenario to suit your case. When I do this, there is never a situation where one child strikes another and immediately goes back in for a hug. Does not happen. What I've tried several times to explain to you is that an adult steps in, corrects the offending child, verbally apologizes to the other child, and asks the other child (and that child's parent, if present) if they would like a hug. Maybe they do, maybe they don't. I've never seen the scenario you described actually played out in real life. I'm sure it has, but not with my kid.

The reason it works so well in our neighborhood playground is because all the kids know each other so well. They get along 99% of the time. Sometimes the little ones who are still testing limits or aren't verbal enough to express themselves to get grabby or pushy, and the parents are all pretty great about stepping in to resolve it. The kids are back playing happily within minutes, if not seconds.

I don't know . . . maybe this is a city vs a suburb thing. I can see not using this approach at a big playground like Clemyjontri, with lots of strangers and wackos about. But this is pretty much what we do in my neighborhood. Sorry that offends you, but I think we are going to have to agree to disagree.


Whatever. I don't know where Jumanji is or whatever, but I live in the city. On the Hill.

This explains everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is an excellent example of the complete idiocy that can happen on DCUM. People don't read carefully, they project their own shit on to other people, and they respond as though they are actually having a conversation with one other person, instead of grasping that this is an anonymous forum and these various responses probably come from a bunch of different people.

Some of you anti-huggers, even if I agree with the basic principle the OP was talking about, are off-the-rails batshit crazy. You really are.

And we think "Always Hug it out!" advocates are batshit crazy for not even acknowledging that the child who has been hit may be uncomfortable being hugged. Or for not even acknowledging that apologizing/making amends should be about the vicitm - not a mechanism to make the aggressor (and his mom) feel better about themselves.

So...why don't we just agree to disagree!

[Anonymous]

And we think "Always Hug it out!" advocates are batshit crazy for not even acknowledging that the child who has been hit may be uncomfortable being hugged. Or for not even acknowledging that apologizing/making amends should be about the vicitm - not a mechanism to make the aggressor (and his mom) feel better about themselves.

So...why don't we just agree to disagree!

You don't think that the hugging advocates' implicitly acknowledged that some children may be uncomfortable being hugged by stating repeatedly that they ask persmission from the child or caregiver first? Or were you to hysterical to comprehend that part?