Discipline pet peeve: "give him a hug!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
As usual, folks on DCUM take something out of context.

Nobody is saying that a hug in itself is a bad thing!

What folks are saying is that a hug may not be an appropriate follow-up to a physical incident and that the victimized child's feelings and/or discomfort should be taken into account.

Is it that hard to comprehend?

Yes, the dim-wits on here are in fact having a hard time comprehending that, or they've backed themselves into a corner and have to continue to defend what ultimately is a parenting practice because they can't handle the thought that what they've been doing is dim-witted.

And the passive aggressive parents on here have a hard time comprehending that
1. If your child is too young to negotiate these situations themselves, you should probably be near enough by to say "No thanks" to the offer of a hug. Situation resolved.
2. If your child IS old enough to deal with this on his own, he or she can say "No thank you." Situation resolved.

What is bizarre is your insistance that most people should know your precious snowflake's personal preference. Dude, have a voice. Speak up.

[Anonymous]

Do not teach your toddler at the expense of my kid. If your toddler bites or hits my kid, I can ASSURE you that she does not want to be intruded upon physically yet again with a hug. Teach them to use words; if they don't talk yet, then you apologize on their behalf and give them a punishment that does not involve further discomfort for my child. It's pretty basic common sense.

THIS!!! Really people! Are you accustomed to just hugging it out with people you meet on the street? It goes like this: biter is scolded however parent sees fit then parent and biter go to bitten child and either parent MODELS "I am sorry. Are you ok?" for nonverbal child or verbal child says sorry and asks if bitten child is ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
As usual, folks on DCUM take something out of context.

Nobody is saying that a hug in itself is a bad thing!

What folks are saying is that a hug may not be an appropriate follow-up to a physical incident and that the victimized child's feelings and/or discomfort should be taken into account.

Is it that hard to comprehend?

Yes, the dim-wits on here are in fact having a hard time comprehending that, or they've backed themselves into a corner and have to continue to defend what ultimately is a parenting practice because they can't handle the thought that what they've been doing is dim-witted.

And the passive aggressive parents on here have a hard time comprehending that
1. If your child is too young to negotiate these situations themselves, you should probably be near enough by to say "No thanks" to the offer of a hug. Situation resolved.
2. If your child IS old enough to deal with this on his own, he or she can say "No thank you." Situation resolved.

What is bizarre is your insistance that most people should know your precious snowflake's personal preference. Dude, have a voice. Speak up.

Really? So if you, a total stranger to me, tried to hug me on the street, or some marginal work acquaintance tries to hug me after a confrontation in the office, it's really a "personal preference" that I not want to be hugged??? You are the one who is totally bizarre. The BASELINE is that there is no physical contact. Why do you think children are any different, especially by someone who just did something to them in need of discipline? You whack job huggers are just out of line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
As usual, folks on DCUM take something out of context.

Nobody is saying that a hug in itself is a bad thing!

What folks are saying is that a hug may not be an appropriate follow-up to a physical incident and that the victimized child's feelings and/or discomfort should be taken into account.

Is it that hard to comprehend?

Yes, the dim-wits on here are in fact having a hard time comprehending that, or they've backed themselves into a corner and have to continue to defend what ultimately is a parenting practice because they can't handle the thought that what they've been doing is dim-witted.

And the passive aggressive parents on here have a hard time comprehending that
1. If your child is too young to negotiate these situations themselves, you should probably be near enough by to say "No thanks" to the offer of a hug. Situation resolved.
2. If your child IS old enough to deal with this on his own, he or she can say "No thank you." Situation resolved.

What is bizarre is your insistance that most people should know your precious snowflake's personal preference. Dude, have a voice. Speak up.

What's passive aggressive about not wanting to be hugged by someone who just hit you? I guess in that regard I'd rather be passive aggressive than just plain aggressive, which is probably what you're raising.

[Anonymous]

I'm ready for a group hug. Who is with me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
As usual, folks on DCUM take something out of context.

Nobody is saying that a hug in itself is a bad thing!

What folks are saying is that a hug may not be an appropriate follow-up to a physical incident and that the victimized child's feelings and/or discomfort should be taken into account.

Is it that hard to comprehend?

Yes, the dim-wits on here are in fact having a hard time comprehending that, or they've backed themselves into a corner and have to continue to defend what ultimately is a parenting practice because they can't handle the thought that what they've been doing is dim-witted.

And the passive aggressive parents on here have a hard time comprehending that
1. If your child is too young to negotiate these situations themselves, you should probably be near enough by to say "No thanks" to the offer of a hug. Situation resolved.
2. If your child IS old enough to deal with this on his own, he or she can say "No thank you." Situation resolved.

What is bizarre is your insistance that most people should know your precious snowflake's personal preference. Dude, have a voice. Speak up.




Really? So if you, a total stranger to me, tried to hug me on the street, or some marginal work acquaintance tries to hug me after a confrontation in the office, it's really a "personal preference" that I not want to be hugged??? You are the one who is totally bizarre. The BASELINE is that there is no physical contact. Why do you think children are any different, especially by someone who just did something to them in need of discipline? You whack job huggers are just out of line.

I think if someone says to you " do you want a hug" you should have the verbal and social skills to respond appropriately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
As usual, folks on DCUM take something out of context.

Nobody is saying that a hug in itself is a bad thing!

What folks are saying is that a hug may not be an appropriate follow-up to a physical incident and that the victimized child's feelings and/or discomfort should be taken into account.

Is it that hard to comprehend?

Yes, the dim-wits on here are in fact having a hard time comprehending that, or they've backed themselves into a corner and have to continue to defend what ultimately is a parenting practice because they can't handle the thought that what they've been doing is dim-witted.

And the passive aggressive parents on here have a hard time comprehending that
1. If your child is too young to negotiate these situations themselves, you should probably be near enough by to say "No thanks" to the offer of a hug. Situation resolved.
2. If your child IS old enough to deal with this on his own, he or she can say "No thank you." Situation resolved.

What is bizarre is your insistance that most people should know your precious snowflake's personal preference. Dude, have a voice. Speak up.

What's passive aggressive about not wanting to be hugged by someone who just hit you? I guess in that regard I'd rather be passive aggressive than just plain aggressive, which is probably what you're raising.

I think what PP meant is that voicing a complaint here and not telling her off in person is passive aggressive. Thing is, many of us are bemused the first or second time this happens (and thankfully, I really don't have any friends who are goofy enough to think a child who just got hit by another is likely to be receptive to a hug from the hitter) and don't always respond. Other times, it happens on a playground or whatever and we're being polite (not passive aggressive) in not saying anything. Honestly, I usually just chalk it up to novice parenting. But now that I see how people really stand by this bizarre practice, I'm going to start telling the mom this: "Why would you tell your child to touch mine again after he has just hit him?"

I simply cannot believe, though, how many people honestly, after folks have explained it well here, don't get this simple concept.

No, people aren't anti-hug. No, people aren't "afraid of any and all physical contact." They just don't want some bully to hit them and then hug them. Honestly, are people so thick? PLEASE, Jeff, tell me there is just one or two sock puppets on here defending the bully hug. What if your kid hit a dog. Would you encourage him to "hug" the frightened dog? Or would you think, gee, this is likely to just upset and scare the dog further? Or even feel like maybe the dog might feel cornered and "hit" back?

Unwelcome physical contact is unwelcome, whether it is a hit or a "hug" you encourage your child to force on mine after he or she has been hit. I repeat, it is NOT that I don't want your child to hug mine. It's just that after there has been a physical hit, the natural tendency of the hit child will be to either back away or defend himself. Until things cool down, HANDS OFF.

Don't worry about this mama being passive aggressive about the subject. Next time this happens to my kid, I'm going to make it clear the mom is out of line. Funny thing is, I have an acquaintance in real life who does this and I know for a fact she's on these boards. So don't be so sure your friends don't care about this. I do, I was just always too polite previously to say anything other than to try to gently intervene and say "he doesn't want a hug right now." Frankly, we actually try to avoid this family but they are in our same circle. I think I'm going to speak up next time! I hope others on this board will too. I'm tired of being polite to bad parents because they certainly aren't polite to my kids in this case.

I'm angry reading people defend this shit. It's so unreal to me.

[Anonymous]

OK so bottom line: Matt bit Chris so Chris' mom jumps in between screaming NO! Say sorry you future predator and ask if Matt wants a hug. Then Matt's mom comes and says "no thanks" and tries to redirect the little victim.

[Anonymous]

OK so bottom line: Matt bit Chris so Chris' mom jumps in between screaming NO! Say sorry you future predator and ask if Matt wants a hug. Then Matt's mom comes and says "no thanks" and tries to redirect the little victim.

Pretty much, yeah. I don't see a problem with this scenario.

What I do see a problem with are the crazy parents who are so floored that some adult might dare to offer their child a hug. Agree it is rude to force it. But to say to the injured child "Would you like a hug now?" is no major offense. It is more nutso to assume people know you have this phobia. At my child's preschool, when they have disagreements, they all have to stand together and hold hands while they talk it out. I see no problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OK so bottom line: Matt bit Chris so Chris' mom jumps in between screaming NO! Say sorry you future predator and ask if Matt wants a hug. Then Matt's mom comes and says "no thanks" and tries to redirect the little victim.

Pretty much, yeah. I don't see a problem with this scenario.

What I do see a problem with are the crazy parents who are so floored that some adult might dare to offer their child a hug. Agree it is rude to force it. But to say to the injured child "Would you like a hug now?" is no major offense. It is more nutso to assume people know you have this phobia. At my child's preschool, when they have disagreements, they all have to stand together and hold hands while they talk it out. I see no problem.

I don't think you get it. Nobody is suggesting that your approach as outlined above is problematic. Clearly there was a "would you like a hug," which I think everyone has agreed is just fine. Gives the injured party a chance to back off or say no. But what OP was discussing (at least by my read) is when a child hits another child, and the mom of the hitter swoops down and says "now say sorry" or "we don't hit, now give little Joey a hug" and then her little kid hugs the other child, who has already been hit and may be upset or angry, etc. If a child just naturally wants to hug another child as an apology, okay, we'll deal with it (though it would be best if mom helped run interference here and if the other kid is upset / crying, have the good sense to get your kid to back off) but we're tlaking about the forced apology hug. Neither kid wants to do it, but it's totally unfair to the child whose been hit to make him endure a hug from someone who just punched / kicked / bit him. Plus some PP said her child is non-verbal, so we're talking about really young kids here, who can't exactly get a "backbone" or say "no thanks" when the hugger / biter is approaching. I don't understand why the huggies crowd can't just say "I never thought about it that way, it's probably best to rethink this move" and move on? Why so insistent that it's okay to make other kids uncomfortable as your own disciplinary tactic? That's what "floors" me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please let us know where you live so we can avoid you and your hug-loving-brat at all costs. You are mental.

The next time I see you, PP, I'm going to give you a huge hug and maybe even a sloppy kiss. Mmmmmmwaaaaah.

I'll bite you in response.

At which point, you will then be forced to hug me back.

[Anonymous]

forced hugs are sexual harassment

[Anonymous]

It's weird and creepy when bad behavior is rewarded.

[Anonymous]

Hugs are not part of my culture.
I had never seen men hug the way they do here.
That was one of the first things I noticed when coming here. I would never instruct my child to hug someone

What is wrong with a handshake?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OK so bottom line: Matt bit Chris so Chris' mom jumps in between screaming NO! Say sorry you future predator and ask if Matt wants a hug. Then Matt's mom comes and says "no thanks" and tries to redirect the little victim.


Pretty much, yeah. I don't see a problem with this scenario.

What I do see a problem with are the crazy parents who are so floored that some adult might dare to offer their child a hug. Agree it is rude to force it. But to say to the injured child "Would you like a hug now?" is no major offense. It is more nutso to assume people know you have this phobia. At my child's preschool, when they have disagreements, they all have to stand together and hold hands while they talk it out. I see no problem.


I don't think you get it. Nobody is suggesting that your approach as outlined above is problematic. Clearly there was a "would you like a hug," which I think everyone has agreed is just fine. Gives the injured party a chance to back off or say no. But what OP was discussing (at least by my read) is when a child hits another child, and the mom of the hitter swoops down and says "now say sorry" or "we don't hit, now give little Joey a hug" and then her little kid hugs the other child, who has already been hit and may be upset or angry, etc. If a child just naturally wants to hug another child as an apology, okay, we'll deal with it (though it would be best if mom helped run interference here and if the other kid is upset / crying, have the good sense to get your kid to back off) but we're tlaking about the forced apology hug. Neither kid wants to do it, but it's totally unfair to the child whose been hit to make him endure a hug from someone who just punched / kicked / bit him. Plus some PP said her child is non-verbal, so we're talking about really young kids here, who can't exactly get a "backbone" or say "no thanks" when the hugger / biter is approaching. I don't understand why the huggies crowd can't just say "I never thought about it that way, it's probably best to rethink this move" and move on? Why so insistent that it's okay to make other kids uncomfortable as your own disciplinary tactic? That's what "floors" me.

I'm one of the pro-huggers on here. My youngest kid is a real hugger. He hugs everything . . . books, dolls, blankets, you name it. We actually have to stop him from going up to random children on the playground and hugging them. He's only 23 months old, so he's learning. He has delayed speech, and is in therapy for that. Saying "I'm sorry" is not something he can do yet. He's only up to about 50 single words. When he and his older brother fight, I do have them make up with hugs. It is really the only way the 23 month old can demonstrate to his older brother that he's sorry and ready to move past whatever it was that was going on.

On the playground, if he does something to hurt or scare another child, I always correct him, tell him why he was wrong, and then ASK the other child if they would like a hug. 99% of the time they nod yes. Now, if your child nods yes but secretly you are seething inside, that isn't my problem. If your child is old enough to speak and does not want a hug, tell them to say no. If they are too young to speak, you should hopefully be nearby so you can say no for them.

This isn't something I'm going to stop doing. I see no harm in asking a question. I do get it that people don't want a FORCED hug. But I see nothing wrong with asking. So I will continue to be that mom at the playground.