Discipline pet peeve: "give him a hug!"

[Anonymous]

I can't imagine that it isn't already there, but this thread needs to be on the most laughable things ever on DCUM thread. Some of you (on both sides) have gone completely bonkers.

[Anonymous]

No, in your scenario you are teaching the offending child that if they hit/bite someone, they get lots of special attention. Let's go together to get an ice pack! Let's carry this special item over to the other kid. Let's make a really big deal about you!! This is one of the biggest mistakes people can make when trying to correct biting behavior. They make a HUGE deal out of it and put TONS of attention on the biter - which is really just unintentionally reinforcing the negative behavior. It would be more appropriate for the mother to crouch down, tell the child "No hitting! We need to apologize to this other child." Then turn the child to face the injured child and say "We are sorry. Would you like a hug?" Then there is an oppotunity for a yes or no answer. Problem solved.

Man, you people make mountains out of molehills.


Please let us know where you live so we can avoid you and your hug-loving-brat at all costs. You are mental.

Actually, there ae posters on here who have a problem with asking a child if they'd like a hug.

Probably the same posters who assume all men are pedophiles.

[Anonymous]

I am one of the anti-huggers, and I don't believe anyone, myself included, has a problem with ASKING if someone wants a hug. It's DIRECTING your kid who just hit, bit, whatever is in need of discipline, to hug it out. There's a huge difference, and it matters. It's confusing to the kid who hit, and probably unwanted by the kid who was hit. The only one who feels better is the hitter's parent. That's the problem with it.

[Anonymous]

Heck....anyone can change the facts to make it ok.

The OP did not mention permission to give a hug....she talked about a forced apology hug. That leads me to believe that there was no asking. Of course, asking is ok because it gives the victim a chance to say no. Directing your child to hug without permission is just as bad as the intitial hit in my book.

And to the OP who urges us to encourage our DCs to refuse the directed hug and not be passive aggressive. I do not mean to offend... but if that is what you adhere to, then you are totally stacking the deck in favor of your own DC. First, your DC has imposed upon the other child through unwanted physical contact. You are then putting the burden on the "victim" child to refuse the apology method that YOU feel the victim should accept. That's a total cop-out on the discipline front IMO. Putting the burden on the victim.

[Anonymous]

Remember when going to the playground was fun?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
As usual, folks on DCUM take something out of context.

Nobody is saying that a hug in itself is a bad thing!

What folks are saying is that a hug may not be an appropriate follow-up to a physical incident and that the victimized child's feelings and/or discomfort should be taken into account.

Is it that hard to comprehend?

Yes, the dim-wits on here are in fact having a hard time comprehending that, or they've backed themselves into a corner and have to continue to defend what ultimately is a parenting practice because they can't handle the thought that what they've been doing is dim-witted.

And the passive aggressive parents on here have a hard time comprehending that
1. If your child is too young to negotiate these situations themselves, you should probably be near enough by to say "No thanks" to the offer of a hug. Situation resolved.
2. If your child IS old enough to deal with this on his own, he or she can say "No thank you." Situation resolved.

What is bizarre is your insistance that most people should know your precious snowflake's personal preference. Dude, have a voice. Speak up.




Really? So if you, a total stranger to me, tried to hug me on the street, or some marginal work acquaintance tries to hug me after a confrontation in the office, it's really a "personal preference" that I not want to be hugged??? You are the one who is totally bizarre. The BASELINE is that there is no physical contact. Why do you think children are any different, especially by someone who just did something to them in need of discipline? You whack job huggers are just out of line.

I think if someone says to you " do you want a hug" you should have the verbal and social skills to respond appropriately.

I think you should have the social skills to know that hugging is not always appropriate. But you don't. You might want to work on that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OK so bottom line: Matt bit Chris so Chris' mom jumps in between screaming NO! Say sorry you future predator and ask if Matt wants a hug. Then Matt's mom comes and says "no thanks" and tries to redirect the little victim.


Pretty much, yeah. I don't see a problem with this scenario.

What I do see a problem with are the crazy parents who are so floored that some adult might dare to offer their child a hug. Agree it is rude to force it. But to say to the injured child "Would you like a hug now?" is no major offense. It is more nutso to assume people know you have this phobia. At my child's preschool, when they have disagreements, they all have to stand together and hold hands while they talk it out. I see no problem.


I don't think you get it. Nobody is suggesting that your approach as outlined above is problematic. Clearly there was a "would you like a hug," which I think everyone has agreed is just fine. Gives the injured party a chance to back off or say no. But what OP was discussing (at least by my read) is when a child hits another child, and the mom of the hitter swoops down and says "now say sorry" or "we don't hit, now give little Joey a hug" and then her little kid hugs the other child, who has already been hit and may be upset or angry, etc. If a child just naturally wants to hug another child as an apology, okay, we'll deal with it (though it would be best if mom helped run interference here and if the other kid is upset / crying, have the good sense to get your kid to back off) but we're tlaking about the forced apology hug. Neither kid wants to do it, but it's totally unfair to the child whose been hit to make him endure a hug from someone who just punched / kicked / bit him. Plus some PP said her child is non-verbal, so we're talking about really young kids here, who can't exactly get a "backbone" or say "no thanks" when the hugger / biter is approaching. I don't understand why the huggies crowd can't just say "I never thought about it that way, it's probably best to rethink this move" and move on? Why so insistent that it's okay to make other kids uncomfortable as your own disciplinary tactic? That's what "floors" me.

I'm one of the pro-huggers on here. My youngest kid is a real hugger. He hugs everything . . . books, dolls, blankets, you name it. We actually have to stop him from going up to random children on the playground and hugging them. He's only 23 months old, so he's learning. He has delayed speech, and is in therapy for that. Saying "I'm sorry" is not something he can do yet. He's only up to about 50 single words. When he and his older brother fight, I do have them make up with hugs. It is really the only way the 23 month old can demonstrate to his older brother that he's sorry and ready to move past whatever it was that was going on.

On the playground, if he does something to hurt or scare another child, I always correct him, tell him why he was wrong, and then ASK the other child if they would like a hug. 99% of the time they nod yes. Now, if your child nods yes but secretly you are seething inside, that isn't my problem. If your child is old enough to speak and does not want a hug, tell them to say no. If they are too young to speak, you should hopefully be nearby so you can say no for them.

This isn't something I'm going to stop doing. I see no harm in asking a question. I do get it that people don't want a FORCED hug. But I see nothing wrong with asking. So I will continue to be that mom at the playground.

Wait, I'm not sure I understand. Your son is speech delayed so he can't say "sorry" but he can say "would you like a hug?" And you expect another child child to be able to say yes or no or understand it? I actually have less of a problem with people who actually ask about the hug, but something tells me your child is not really asking. I like how you say your child is not a good communicator, so he has to use physical stuff to get his point across, but make no allowance for whether or not the other child may be in a similar situation. In that case, you really might have a toddler push or hit your child attempting to hug him. This is what my little one did a few times when this has happened. The kid had already hit him, then was coming in for a hug, and my son doesn't know how to differentiate between a hug and a hit when it's like 15 seconds later and just thinks he is going to be hit again, so he defended himself. So this leaves me in the position of not wanting to allow my son to hit someone, but needing to recognize this is my son defending himself, not just striking someone. He does not understand nuances yet, he's barely two. I never seethe when kids hit one another. It's this oddball hugging that bugs me. And someone like you, who now knows that it bothers people's CHILDREN, will stubbornly refuse to stop doing it because you are that sure you can never be wrong. Sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am one of the anti-huggers, and I don't believe anyone, myself included, has a problem with ASKING if someone wants a hug. It's DIRECTING your kid who just hit, bit, whatever is in need of discipline, to hug it out. There's a huge difference, and it matters. It's confusing to the kid who hit, and probably unwanted by the kid who was hit. The only one who feels better is the hitter's parent. That's the problem with it.

Yes, this. I think the issue is that the people who do this forced hug don't ever seem to get told people don't like it. I'm going to start speaking up and hope everyone else does. These people think it's just a few loonies on DCUM who are "anti-hug" or something, and keep making all sorts of qualifications (well, we ask first) etc. But I'm quite sure that's BS. I hope that means they are rethinking the "now give him a hug" approach and just pretending they were asking all along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remember when going to the playground was fun?

Yes, but then you had kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remember when going to the playground was fun?

The sad thing is that kids, left to their own devices, can work almost anything out. But when you get a bunch of parents involved, things never get resolved. LOL!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
In that case, you really might have a toddler push or hit your child attempting to hug him. This is what my little one did a few times when this has happened. The kid had already hit him, then was coming in for a hug, and my son doesn't know how to differentiate between a hug and a hit when it's like 15 seconds later and just thinks he is going to be hit again, so he defended himself. So this leaves me in the position of not wanting to allow my son to hit someone, but needing to recognize this is my son defending himself, not just striking someone. He does not understand nuances yet, he's barely two.

This. Kids this age, both the hugger and the huggee, are too young to understand the nuances AND the whole concept of intent. That is why my rule is black and white with my DS. Keep your hands to yourself...period!!! He understands that one. Just last week, a kid hit him at daycare. DS starts crying. Teacher sees this and heads over to deal with it. Unprompted, Hitter sees teacher heading over and attempts to hug DS to get him to shut up and make amends. DS sees Hitter making a sudden motion towards him and pops Hitter across the cheek. BOTH kids got time-out! I was slighty annoyed, but not outaged until mother of Hitter makes a comment about my son hitting because someone wanted to hug him. I tersely explained that my DS is uncomfrtable being hugged by folks outside the family and that her son made it a physical issue....not mine.

[Anonymous]

I'm one of the pro-huggers on here. My youngest kid is a real hugger. He hugs everything . . . books, dolls, blankets, you name it. We actually have to stop him from going up to random children on the playground and hugging them. He's only 23 months old, so he's learning. He has delayed speech, and is in therapy for that. Saying "I'm sorry" is not something he can do yet. He's only up to about 50 single words. When he and his older brother fight, I do have them make up with hugs. It is really the only way the 23 month old can demonstrate to his older brother that he's sorry and ready to move past whatever it was that was going on.

On the playground, if he does something to hurt or scare another child, I always correct him, tell him why he was wrong, and then ASK the other child if they would like a hug. 99% of the time they nod yes. Now, if your child nods yes but secretly you are seething inside, that isn't my problem. If your child is old enough to speak and does not want a hug, tell them to say no. If they are too young to speak, you should hopefully be nearby so you can say no for them.

This isn't something I'm going to stop doing. I see no harm in asking a question. I do get it that people don't want a FORCED hug. But I see nothing wrong with asking. So I will continue to be that mom at the playground.


Wait, I'm not sure I understand. Your son is speech delayed so he can't say "sorry" but he can say "would you like a hug?" And you expect another child child to be able to say yes or no or understand it? I actually have less of a problem with people who actually ask about the hug, but something tells me your child is not really asking. I like how you say your child is not a good communicator, so he has to use physical stuff to get his point across, but make no allowance for whether or not the other child may be in a similar situation. In that case, you really might have a toddler push or hit your child attempting to hug him. This is what my little one did a few times when this has happened. The kid had already hit him, then was coming in for a hug, and my son doesn't know how to differentiate between a hug and a hit when it's like 15 seconds later and just thinks he is going to be hit again, so he defended himself. So this leaves me in the position of not wanting to allow my son to hit someone, but needing to recognize this is my son defending himself, not just striking someone. He does not understand nuances yet, he's barely two. I never seethe when kids hit one another. It's this oddball hugging that bugs me. And someone like you, who now knows that it bothers people's CHILDREN, will stubbornly refuse to stop doing it because you are that sure you can never be wrong. Sad.

Calm down and read. He's quite young still so I keep a close eye on him on the playground. I said I correct his behavior with him, and I ask the other child if he or she would like a hug. I'm sorry your child's first reaction to all contact is to hit other children. That is something you might want to work on. At the playground we frequent, the parents are great and all the neighborhood know each other by name. There aren't really "strangers" playing there. If I asked your toddler if he wanted a hug and he didn't respond at all, or said no, case closed- we'd move on. If you aren't around to deal with your child who is likely to physically attack anyone who touches him - again, that is something you probably need to work on.

[Anonymous]

This. Kids this age, both the hugger and the huggee, are too young to understand the nuances AND the whole concept of intent. That is why my rule is black and white with my DS. Keep your hands to yourself...period!!! He understands that one. Just last week, a kid hit him at daycare. DS starts crying. Teacher sees this and heads over to deal with it. Unprompted, Hitter sees teacher heading over and attempts to hug DS to get him to shut up and make amends. DS sees Hitter making a sudden motion towards him and pops Hitter across the cheek. BOTH kids got time-out! I was slighty annoyed, but not outaged until mother of Hitter makes a comment about my son hitting because someone wanted to hug him. I tersely explained that my DS is uncomfrtable being hugged by folks outside the family and that her son made it a physical issue....not mine.

OMG! Your child hit another child in the face! For the two mothers to get involved in the "who started it" debate is so immature that I can't believe it even happened. I hope you are making this up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This. Kids this age, both the hugger and the huggee, are too young to understand the nuances AND the whole concept of intent. That is why my rule is black and white with my DS. Keep your hands to yourself...period!!! He understands that one. Just last week, a kid hit him at daycare. DS starts crying. Teacher sees this and heads over to deal with it. Unprompted, Hitter sees teacher heading over and attempts to hug DS to get him to shut up and make amends. DS sees Hitter making a sudden motion towards him and pops Hitter across the cheek. BOTH kids got time-out! I was slighty annoyed, but not outaged until mother of Hitter makes a comment about my son hitting because someone wanted to hug him. I tersely explained that my DS is uncomfrtable being hugged by folks outside the family and that her son made it a physical issue....not mine.

OMG! Your child hit another child in the face! For the two mothers to get involved in the "who started it" debate is so immature that I can't believe it even happened. I hope you are making this up.

Not making it up. My DC after having been hit in the face with a toy by the Hitter responded by hitting the Hitter in the face when the Hitter came at him suddenly for a hug. They are both 2.5. My DS was punished for hitting by the teacher and I was ok with the punishment. Actually, it was not a "who started it" debate at all. We all agreed that her son started it. Hey, I agree that my reaction to her comment was not my best moment...but her kid is known as a Hitter at daycare....and her self righteous comment pissed me off. I am human. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This. Kids this age, both the hugger and the huggee, are too young to understand the nuances AND the whole concept of intent. That is why my rule is black and white with my DS. Keep your hands to yourself...period!!! He understands that one. Just last week, a kid hit him at daycare. DS starts crying. Teacher sees this and heads over to deal with it. Unprompted, Hitter sees teacher heading over and attempts to hug DS to get him to shut up and make amends. DS sees Hitter making a sudden motion towards him and pops Hitter across the cheek. BOTH kids got time-out! I was slighty annoyed, but not outaged until mother of Hitter makes a comment about my son hitting because someone wanted to hug him. I tersely explained that my DS is uncomfrtable being hugged by folks outside the family and that her son made it a physical issue....not mine.

OMG! Your child hit another child in the face! For the two mothers to get involved in the "who started it" debate is so immature that I can't believe it even happened. I hope you are making this up.


Not making it up. My DC after having been hit in the face with a toy by the Hitter responded by hitting the Hitter in the face when the Hitter came at him suddenly for a hug. They are both 2.5. My DS was punished for hitting by the teacher and I was ok with the punishment. Actually, it was not a "who started it" debate at all. We all agreed that her son started it. Hey, I agree that my reaction to her comment was not my best moment...but her kid is known as a Hitter at daycare....and her self righteous comment pissed me off. I am human. Sorry.

So dehumanizing, it is like you are seeing the other child as an object. And how could you possibly know the other 2.5 year old child's intentions?