Discipline pet peeve: "give him a hug!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My 18 month old isn't talking yet, so a hug is really all he can do to demonstrate remorse. Sorry if that doesn't meet your standards.

Then you tell your child it isn't ok and you say "I'm sorry, we are working on it or xxx) but not everyone wants another kid hugging theirs especially if their kid is not a big hugger or affectionate with strangers. You can model what should be done so when they can talk they can say "I'm sorry" or better yet, spend the time working with your child not to hit.

In your scenario, I'm teaching my child that when they hit, mommy needs to apologize for them. In my scenario, they need to go and make ammends with the person they offended DIRECTLY. If the child on the other end of this doesn't want to be hugged, they should get a backbone and learn how to say "no thank you."

Actually, you are modeling his apology for him. The language sounds like this, "He is so sorry. What can he do to make it up to you?" And hugging or berbal apologiew are hardly the only options. How about takingbyou kid to the kitchen to get an ice pack and having him bring it to the injurer child.

Also, are you honestly saying that after your kid bites another 18 month old, he HAS to hug his victim because he's preverbal, and if that other toddler prefers some physical space from the kid who just bit them, you feel it's on them to "get a backbone and say 'no thank you?'" That's messed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My 18 month old isn't talking yet, so a hug is really all he can do to demonstrate remorse. Sorry if that doesn't meet your standards.

Then you tell your child it isn't ok and you say "I'm sorry, we are working on it or xxx) but not everyone wants another kid hugging theirs especially if their kid is not a big hugger or affectionate with strangers. You can model what should be done so when they can talk they can say "I'm sorry" or better yet, spend the time working with your child not to hit.

In your scenario, I'm teaching my child that when they hit, mommy needs to apologize for them. In my scenario, they need to go and make ammends with the person they offended DIRECTLY. If the child on the other end of this doesn't want to be hugged, they should get a backbone and learn how to say "no thank you."

Actually, you are modeling his apology for him. The language sounds like this, "He is so sorry. What can he do to make it up to you?" And hugging or berbal apologiew are hardly the only options. How about takingbyou kid to the kitchen to get an ice pack and having him bring it to the injurer child.

Also, are you honestly saying that after your kid bites another 18 month old, he HAS to hug his victim because he's preverbal, and if that other toddler prefers some physical space from the kid who just bit them, you feel it's on them to "get a backbone and say 'no thank you?'" That's messed up.

NP here and I was JUST going to say that. Are you kidding me? It's interesting because we've run into a few of these parents, my child is NOT a hugger and yeah, sorry, he doesn't have a "backbone" when he's being bullied. it is so inappropriate to instruct your child to "hug" or do anything physical that is not definitely desired after a physical incident. You absolutely need to stop doing this. Reading this has emboldened ME to get a backbone and the next time a mother does this, I'm going to get a backbone with her and say "now why would you think that is appropriate?"

Work on not biting with your son. How would you feel if your son hit mine, then you instructed your son to "hug" my son and my son shoved yours away? Because my son is not verbal either, but if he is continuously physically confronted by a kid, it's going to feel like bullying. Newsflash, a young toddler does NOT want to be embraced by someone who just hit him. Your method is really screwy. Stop doing it.

[Anonymous]

So what do you suggest for those situations? I'm a curious ftm and don't knoW much about kid politics.

I am 100% with OP and my kids are older now. When they were 1, 2 and 3, I actually DID hover and intervene in these stupid new-age parenting moments. I'd gently, yet physically sort of reach in between the 2 kids, actually stop the impending crushing squeeze, and say something like, "How about a high-five instead, Perpetrator?"

Then invariably the Perpetrator would put up her little flat hand in the air and that gave Victim Kid the option to slap that opened palm -- or not. Usually Victim Kid would slap the offered high-five hand and then walk away.

I do not subscribe at ALL to the "it's best to let them work it out alone" philosophy for 1 - 3 year olds. For older kids like mine, I do. But I had no problem stopping those misguided boa constrictor fakey "hugs" in their tracks for the first few years. My children loathed them.

Another point: It's a great idea to start early and let your kids know that no one has a right to touch them against their will all the time, except for a few described-in-advance situations (pediatrician, a parent, perhaps a teacher in a safety situation, etc).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My 18 month old isn't talking yet, so a hug is really all he can do to demonstrate remorse. Sorry if that doesn't meet your standards.

Then you tell your child it isn't ok and you say "I'm sorry, we are working on it or xxx) but not everyone wants another kid hugging theirs especially if their kid is not a big hugger or affectionate with strangers. You can model what should be done so when they can talk they can say "I'm sorry" or better yet, spend the time working with your child not to hit.

In your scenario, I'm teaching my child that when they hit, mommy needs to apologize for them. In my scenario, they need to go and make ammends with the person they offended DIRECTLY. If the child on the other end of this doesn't want to be hugged, they should get a backbone and learn how to say "no thank you."




Actually, you are modeling his apology for him. The language sounds like this, "He is so sorry. What can he do to make it up to you?" And hugging or berbal apologiew are hardly the only options. How about takingbyou kid to the kitchen to get an ice pack and having him bring it to the injurer child.

Also, are you honestly saying that after your kid bites another 18 month old, he HAS to hug his victim because he's preverbal, and if that other toddler prefers some physical space from the kid who just bit them, you feel it's on them to "get a backbone and say 'no thank you?'" That's messed up.

No, in your scenario you are teaching the offending child that if they hit/bite someone, they get lots of special attention. Let's go together to get an ice pack! Let's carry this special item over to the other kid. Let's make a really big deal about you!! This is one of the biggest mistakes people can make when trying to correct biting behavior. They make a HUGE deal out of it and put TONS of attention on the biter - which is really just unintentionally reinforcing the negative behavior. It would be more appropriate for the mother to crouch down, tell the child "No hitting! We need to apologize to this other child." Then turn the child to face the injured child and say "We are sorry. Would you like a hug?" Then there is an oppotunity for a yes or no answer.

Problem solved.

Man, you people make mountains out of molehills.

[Anonymous]

9:19, again, you have missed the point. It is not appropriate to instuct your child to do ANYTHING physical to a chipd they have just hit, kicked or bitten. I don't care how you choose to make up with the other child (the ice pack is a good, victim-focused suggestion, as is the high-five and the apology) provided your solution doesn't consist of once again violating that child's physical space. The fact that you are not comprehending the need for awareness of or consideration for the victim of your child's aggression doesn't bode well for your kid learning to interact considerately with others.

[Anonymous]

I agree, OP. I'm also not a fan of the idea that the Perp can immediately just "make it up" to the kid. Obviously it depends on how bad the aggression is but some kind of negative consequence (going to sit on the bench and not play for x minutes or actually just going home right away) is better (in addition to apologizing, if old enough). Just hugging or high fiving and that making it all ok actually encourages kids to keep misbehaving. They think they can just do x and all they have to do is then hug the victim or whatever and everything is "OK".

[Anonymous]

9:19, again, you have missed the point. It is not appropriate to instuct your child to do ANYTHING physical to a chipd they have just hit, kicked or bitten. I don't care how you choose to make up with the other child (the ice pack is a good, victim-focused suggestion, as is the high-five and the apology) provided your solution doesn't consist of once again violating that child's physical space. The fact that you are not comprehending the need for awareness of or consideration for the victim of your child's aggression doesn't bode well for your kid learning to interact considerately with others.

OMFG.

Are you people for real?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So what do you suggest for those situations? I'm a curious ftm and don't knoW much about kid politics.

I am 100% with OP and my kids are older now. When they were 1, 2 and 3, I actually DID hover and intervene in these stupid new-age parenting moments. I'd gently, yet physically sort of reach in between the 2 kids, actually stop the impending crushing squeeze, and say something like, "How about a high-five instead, Perpetrator?"

Then invariably the Perpetrator would put up her little flat hand in the air and that gave Victim Kid the option to slap that opened palm -- or not. Usually Victim Kid would slap the offered high-five hand and then walk away.

I do not subscribe at ALL to the "it's best to let them work it out alone" philosophy for 1 - 3 year olds. For older kids like mine, I do. But I had no problem stopping those misguided boa constrictor fakey "hugs" in their tracks for the first few years. My children loathed them.

Another point: It's a great idea to start early and let your kids know that no one has a right to touch them against their will all the time, except for a few described-in-advance situations (pediatrician, a parent, perhaps a teacher in a safety situation, etc).

Yes, this this this. I will use this approach from now on. I don't get the hug it out stuff either. If someone hits my child, my child doesn't want a hug from that person. Get over yourself, parents - if someone hits you, do you want a hug from them right after? It's not all about your kid - think about the kid he hit. The consequences of hitting are your responsibility to enforce, and please don't use my child as a prop. For that matter, I really don't care if your child gets "punished" or disciplined for the strike, that's your business. But keep your kids hands off mine, including "apology" hugs. Yuck.

[Anonymous]

Some snowflakes are too special to hug.

[Anonymous]

I think the broader issue here is to prepare your child for REAL WORLD behavior. In the real world, hopefully people won't be pushing or biting you in the first place, and if they do, hopefully they won't hug you in apology.

HOWEVER, all we can really do is control ourselves. We can't control what others do. So best thing to do is not passively aggressively wish others would abide by unwritten cultural rules - we should prepare our children to deal with the possibility that this might happen. If someone tries to hug, kiss, carry, or otherwise touch your child and it is unwanted, the child should say "No thank you." If the child is too young, the parent should say "No thank you."

Worry about yourselves. You can not control what others are going to do, no matter how many times you post on an anonymous forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My 18 month old isn't talking yet, so a hug is really all he can do to demonstrate remorse. Sorry if that doesn't meet your standards.

Then you tell your child it isn't ok and you say "I'm sorry, we are working on it or xxx) but not everyone wants another kid hugging theirs especially if their kid is not a big hugger or affectionate with strangers. You can model what should be done so when they can talk they can say "I'm sorry" or better yet, spend the time working with your child not to hit.

In your scenario, I'm teaching my child that when they hit, mommy needs to apologize for them. In my scenario, they need to go and make ammends with the person they offended DIRECTLY. If the child on the other end of this doesn't want to be hugged, they should get a backbone and learn how to say "no thank you."




Actually, you are modeling his apology for him. The language sounds like this, "He is so sorry. What can he do to make it up to you?" And hugging or berbal apologiew are hardly the only options. How about takingbyou kid to the kitchen to get an ice pack and having him bring it to the injurer child.

Also, are you honestly saying that after your kid bites another 18 month old, he HAS to hug his victim because he's preverbal, and if that other toddler prefers some physical space from the kid who just bit them, you feel it's on them to "get a backbone and say 'no thank you?'" That's messed up.

No, in your scenario you are teaching the offending child that if they hit/bite someone, they get lots of special attention. Let's go together to get an ice pack! Let's carry this special item over to the other kid. Let's make a really big deal about you!! This is one of the biggest mistakes people can make when trying to correct biting behavior. They make a HUGE deal out of it and put TONS of attention on the biter - which is really just unintentionally reinforcing the negative behavior. It would be more appropriate for the mother to crouch down, tell the child "No hitting! We need to apologize to this other child." Then turn the child to face the injured child and say "We are sorry. Would you like a hug?" Then there is an oppotunity for a yes or no answer.

Problem solved.

Man, you people make mountains out of molehills.

Please let us know where you live so we can avoid you and your hug-loving-brat at all costs. You are mental.

[Anonymous]

Oh my goodness, you guys are really uptight.

My kid whacks your kid in the head, by accident or intentionally. Whatever, he's 18 months. We do a little time out, take away the toy, whatever. Then we make him go give a kiss or a hug (which because he's nonverbal, talking is not an option).

It is not just about punishing him. It is about learning how your actions affect others. If we completely ignore the other child and focus only on disciplining my child, then how are they going to learn that they HURT someone????

I will still do it and you will still cringe. My kid is not a bully and hugging/kissing also teaches him to be gentle. I am not changing my parenting because you think your kid is uncomfortable with my child's hugs.

(And if the other child was really upset, then obviously I would keep it verbal. But that has never, NEVER been my experience in this age group. Usually they have forgotten all about it a minute later.)

When my kid becomes verbal, the apology becomes verbal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh my goodness, you guys are really uptight.

My kid whacks your kid in the head, by accident or intentionally. Whatever, he's 18 months. We do a little time out, take away the toy, whatever. Then we make him go give a kiss or a hug (which because he's nonverbal, talking is not an option).

It is not just about punishing him. It is about learning how your actions affect others. If we completely ignore the other child and focus only on disciplining my child, then how are they going to learn that they HURT someone????

I will still do it and you will still cringe. My kid is not a bully and hugging/kissing also teaches him to be gentle. I am not changing my parenting because you think your kid is uncomfortable with my child's hugs.

(And if the other child was really upset, then obviously I would keep it verbal. But that has never, NEVER been my experience in this age group. Usually they have forgotten all about it a minute later.)



When my kid becomes verbal, the apology becomes verbal.

Fine, you do that. Because obviously it's not important to teach your kid to respect others' boundaries, just important for you to feel self-righteous. Just don't be surprised when your playdates don't call you back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Oh my goodness, you guys are really uptight.

My kid whacks your kid in the head, by accident or intentionally. Whatever, he's 18 months. We do a little time out, take away the toy, whatever. Then we make him go give a kiss or a hug (which because he's nonverbal, talking is not an option).

It is not just about punishing him. It is about learning how your actions affect others. If we completely ignore the other child and focus only on disciplining my child, then how are they going to learn that they HURT someone????

I will still do it and you will still cringe. My kid is not a bully and hugging/kissing also teaches him to be gentle. I am not changing my parenting because you think your kid is uncomfortable with my child's hugs.

(And if the other child was really upset, then obviously I would keep it verbal. But that has never, NEVER been my experience in this age group. Usually they have forgotten all about it a minute later.)



When my kid becomes verbal, the apology becomes verbal.

Fine, you do that. Because obviously it's not important to teach your kid to respect others' boundaries, just important for you to feel self-righteous. Just don't be surprised when your playdates don't call you back.

Not PP, but that is probably for the best. I don't think it would be a good fit to have your child who is terrified of physical contact with other children anywhere near my bouncing boys.

[Anonymous]

No, in your scenario you are teaching the offending child that if they hit/bite someone, they get lots of special attention. Let's go together to get an ice pack! Let's carry this special item over to the other kid. Let's make a really big deal about you!! This is one of the biggest mistakes people can make when trying to correct biting behavior. They make a HUGE deal out of it and put TONS of attention on the biter - which is really just unintentionally reinforcing the negative behavior. It would be more appropriate for the mother to crouch down, tell the child "No hitting! We need to apologize to this other child." Then turn the child to face the injured child and say "We are sorry. Would you like a hug?" Then there is an oppotunity for a yes or no answer.

Problem solved.

Man, you people make mountains out of molehills.


Please let us know where you live so we can avoid you and your hug-loving-brat at all costs. You are mental.

I'm having difficulty seeing what in the above post is "mental." Is it the part where the parent corrects the child? Is it teh part where the parent tells her child to apologize to the other child? Is it the part where the parent asks the child whether or not he or she would like a hug?

I'd really like you to point it out, because I fear I may be headed for the loony bin if this behavior is really so "mental."