joint custody for my infant son

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:18:21 Perhaps you are disgruntled grandmother with issues of your own about custody. Seriously, if your husband left you tomorrow, would you be begging for 50-50?

Uh, yes, I think I am a big enough person, and care enough about my daughter's emotional and mental health to not only accept it but facilitate it. It's one thing if the father is an unsafe parent but if its just anger or revenge on the mothers behalf then that's when mom gets a therapist to vent her spleen to and tries to keep it together in front of the kids.

And seriously, I was left by my first husband when my son was four, he chose to be mostly out of his life for the next few years, visiting when I would guilt him into it or for birthdays. I watched my son suffer not understanding why daddy who had always been there suddenly wasn't. I got him therapy, me therapy and tried not to bad mouth dad within his earshot. Still, when he was 15 after a particularly stressful family situation he ended up crying about his dad and I learned that in his heart he still believed no matter what I said that his dad just didn't like him(???) and didn't want to be around him. He was still hurting and it broke my heart. He was old enough then to hear that his father had issues of his own that had nothing to do with him and everything to do with his own dad and screwed up family.

I wish his dad had been there like that guy wants to be and I refuse to watch my grandson suffer with not knowing his father loves him and chooses to be with him. My grandson's mother can be somewhat excused because she's an 18 year old kid, and teens are pretty selfish creatures but adult women have far fewer excuses for not putting their children first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That doesn't change the fact that the child's father has every right to be an equal co-parent.
my
ACCORDING TO?
AT EVERY AGE?
IF DAD WORKS LATE FOUR NIGHTS A WEEK?
OR TRAVELS ALL THE TIME FOR WORK?

In all these and any other instances the point is not who gets more time but what is best for the child. It's not healthy for the baby to be alone in dads house while he works late four nights a week, but a 3 month old bottle fed infant can spend the night at dads house and not be entirely undone by missing mom

[Anonymous]

Both parents can sit down with a lawyer or mediator and hash out a joint custody agreement and file it with the court. Or he can petition for joint custody which is less friendly but neccessary if she is unreasonable. If a parent refuses to allow access to the child of the non custodial parent its called parental alienation.

[Anonymous]

00:22 Right, and I watched my son go through separation anxiety for FIVE YEARS because he had to go to dad's more than he wanted to and at dad's insistence. It was HELL. It was not what was best for him. So how is it that you are calling the likes of me DISGRUNTLED because we are informed by our experience, but somehow you are not? Really, that was a low blow. I tried everything, tried to get my ex to come over and put our son to bed, but he wanted a separate world. Again, it was HELL. Even the child psychiatrist said we should amend our schedule. But my ex refused. So, we've got two extremes. The dads who exit, and the ones who want equal time no matter what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:18:21 Perhaps you are disgruntled grandmother with issues of your own about custody. Seriously, if your husband left you tomorrow, would you be begging for 50-50?

Uh, yes, I think I am a big enough person, and care enough about my daughter's emotional and mental health to not only accept it but facilitate it. It's one thing if the father is an unsafe parent but if its just anger or revenge on the mothers behalf then that's when mom gets a therapist to vent her spleen to and tries to keep it together in front of the kids.

And seriously, I was left by my first husband when my son was four, he chose to be mostly out of his life for the next few years, visiting when I would guilt him into it or for birthdays. I watched my son suffer not understanding why daddy who had always been there suddenly wasn't. I got him therapy, me therapy and tried not to bad mouth dad within his earshot. Still, when he was 15 after a particularly stressful family situation he ended up crying about his dad and I learned that in his heart he still believed no matter what I said that his dad just didn't like him(???) and didn't want to be around him. He was still hurting and it broke my heart. He was old enough then to hear that his father had issues of his own that had nothing to do with him and everything to do with his own dad and screwed up family.

I wish his dad had been there like that guy wants to be and I refuse to watch my grandson suffer with not knowing his father loves him and chooses to be with him. My grandson's mother can be somewhat excused because she's an 18 year old kid, and teens are pretty selfish creatures but adult women have far fewer excuses for not putting their children first.

Your son's father obviously was not father material and hurt your son badly by abandoning him. But don't compare that experience with some fantasy that if he had stuck around it would have been great for you child. It would probably have been worse. And OP sounds like a horrible person TO ME for wanting to sue his baby's mother for 50-50 custody. He does not sound like a warm, understanding person -- he sounds like a monster. He is hearing from all these "disgruntled" moms about how hard it has been on everyone, especially the children, to have parents have an adversarial relationship but that doesn't matter to him as much as getting "his share" as if his son were a piece of property. He can't wait, he can't be patient, he can't do what's best for everyone. He doesn't care about the foundation he's laying for his baby's childhood. He only cares about himself.

[Anonymous]

As a woman and mother it makes me so sad to see so many women on here expressing such negative attitudes towards men as fathers. My heart goes out to all the dads who desperately want to spend time with their kids and who are being treated like second class parents just because they are male. People referring to the OP as a monster for wanting to be a parent as mom is a parent - unbelievable.
To the OP - I really hope you are able to get time with your son and not just at the whim and command of the mother. I would encourage you to go to court and get a custody schedule set now so you don't spend the next years fighting to see your child.

[Anonymous]

Do you have direct experience with this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a woman and mother it makes me so sad to see so many women on here expressing such negative attitudes towards men as fathers. My heart goes out to all the dads who desperately want to spend time with their kids and who are being treated like second class parents just because they are male. People referring to the OP as a monster for wanting to be a parent as mom is a parent - unbelievable.
To the OP - I really hope you are able to get time with your son and not just at the whim and command of the mother. I would encourage you to go to court and get a custody schedule set now so you don't spend the next years fighting to see your child.

yes, this is great fantasy of the father as hero/victim, fighting to spend time with his baby. I'm sure that's how OP sees himself, too. Oh brother. He is seeing his baby all the time and in a way that's fine for his baby but not fine for him. The real hero would do what was right for his baby, even if that meant giving the situation time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a woman and mother it makes me so sad to see so many women on here expressing such negative attitudes towards men as fathers. My heart goes out to all the dads who desperately want to spend time with their kids and who are being treated like second class parents just because they are male. People referring to the OP as a monster for wanting to be a parent as mom is a parent - unbelievable.
To the OP - I really hope you are able to get time with your son and not just at the whim and command of the mother. I would encourage you to go to court and get a custody schedule set now so you don't spend the next years fighting to see your child.

yes, this is great fantasy of the father as hero/victim, fighting to spend time with his baby. I'm sure that's how OP sees himself, too. Oh brother. He is seeing his baby all the time and in a way that's fine for his baby but not fine for him. The real hero would do what was right for his baby, even if that meant giving the situation time.

I'm 15:28 and no not at all a fantasy but a reality that many fathers have to fight to spend time with their children. I just am appalled at the attitudes that a baby is the mother's child and she dictates what is right and what the father's role will / won't be. These are the same moms who complain later that dad isn't involved when they do everything they can to make it known they are THE parent and that dad should feel lucky she even lets him see the baby/child. Why can dad only see the baby under supervision at her house? Mom takes baby out of the house, why can't dad? How is that not in the baby's best interest? Mom lets strangers at daycare care for the baby all week without her there but won't let dad leave the house with the baby - how is that in the baby's best interest? OP is asking for some weekend time - if they both work all work, why can't they share the weekend - why the attitude that mom wants that time with HER baby, assuming dad works all week, why shouldn't dad also get to share that time with HIS baby. Throwing out 'what's right for the baby' or in baby's best interest only when its something that suits the mother just is an empty argument. How is spending time alone with dad not right for the baby - why is that so damaging and wrong for the baby? If OP felt completely involved in a baby's life and that mom valued/respected him as a parent in the same way she values / respects herself as a parent then he wouldn't be on here worried.

[Anonymous]

15:28/23:54 Read this sentence from OP:

MY struggle is knowing that this is a critical time for him when he is beginning to understand his surroundings and bonding with us as his parents, and I know that the sooner he is introduced to the knowledge that he has two homes, the easier it will be for him in the long run.

This is the biggest CROCK! OP is clueless about cognitive development in the first year of life. The baby already goes to daycare, can't he have a home base he's a little older? Why does the baby have to go to dad's house right now? It's all for dad, not for the baby.

[Anonymous]

The first post indicated dad was worried because mom was restricting time and not letting dad take baby out of the house. Once a pattern is established then it can be hard to break. And mom will get tired of having her ex in the house all the time and slowly restrict his time more and more...as he says this has already started. How do you know that sometimes when she is restricting it isn't because she is tired, sick or having company or etc... reasons that are all about her and not the baby.

A lot of first time parent's are pretty clueless about cognitive development and are doing what they think is right for the baby. They then do things differently the second time around. And the argument down the road when baby/child is older and mom still refuses to let dad take baby to his house will be - this is his routine, he is used to this now - changing the routine isn't what is right for the baby/child that's just all for dad. No matter what dad asks for that same old right for the baby / all about dad will be trotted out to make sure mom gets things her way. Do you really think that daycare is what is 'right' for a 3 month old...to spend 40-50 hours a week with strangers in a congregate care center away from home with people paid to look after him? Wouldn't it be better for him to be at home being nurtured by a parent who loves him? ...The reality of this child's life however is that mom has to work as she is a single parent so he goes to daycare, it may not be what is best for the baby but it is what it is. Same thing with the reality of co-parenting. Ideally mom and dad would be together but the reality of this child's life is that they aren't so different decisions have to be made.

Do I think the baby needs to spend equal time at both houses at this point - of course not. Do I think the attitude expressed across the board that dad is a selfish, horrible person for wanting to have his son in his life and for getting frustrated that his role as a parent is dictated by the whim of mom is ridiculous - yes.

That is why I think that having something set by the court/mediator is better so it isn't a constant battle between two parents who both think they are doing what is best for the child.

[Anonymous]

15:28/23:54/11:51 wrote: Once a pattern is established then it can be hard to break.

False. What's isn't right for an infant can work for a toddler or older child. The professionals who deal with this really push parents to agree to allow the child to spend time at both homes but factor in the child's age and the parent's availability, among other things.

15:28/23:54/11:51 also wrote: No matter what dad asks for that same old right for the baby / all about dad will be trotted out to make sure mom gets things her way.

False. The "system" doesn't really allow either parent to do that, at least not here in D.C., so please drop the dads are victims trope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see a lot of moms posting here about infant/toddler custody issues, and wondering if there are any dads out there with similar issues. From what I can tell (and my attoreny tells me) DC is fairly progressive in terms of dads' rights, but wondering what kind of experiences other dads have had. My boy is about 3-mos old now, and is doing great! His mom and I were never married, and I am actively interested in being my son's father, and for the most part, she has been reasonable about this. I was present at birth and spend time with him at least every other day, sometimes more - feeding, changing, bathing, playing, everything.

Recently his mom has been trying to restrict my time and not let me take him away from her home, though she let's me spend almost as much time as I want with him there. Of course I think it's unreasonable to not have more equity and have time with him at my home, but she has proven inflexible on this so far. I'm trying to decide when to draw the line and ask for the court to intervene. This time is very important and I think our son deserves to be a part of both of our lives. We only live about 20 minutes from each other (in good traffic), so it is relatively easy to share time. She also has not had much success with breastfeeding from the start and our son has been in daycare for two weeks already now, so it seems unreasonable to think he should not spend more time with me in my world. Any thoughts or experiences to share? (I am talking with my attorney, but I am naturally skeptical of his advice, since litigation is how he makes his healthy living!)

But obviously not important enough for you to marry her or make the relationship permanent before you started procreating. Sorry, but I have no sympathy for you.

[Anonymous]

My DC's father loves to play the hero/victim role, too. People love it because it is such a romantic idea -- the man fighting to be in his children's lives. He loevs the image, too. They don't know. My DC's father has used my DC to hurt me many times over -- that is not parenting. It is sick. He has made many other decisions that had nothing to do with me that were also not the best for his children or were actually bad for them but were all about him. He has threatened me with court more times than I can count -- it is numbing. He tries as hard as he can to not pay child support. That is the side of him no one sees when they just see a man "fighting to be treated like an equal parent." He is doing it to be aggressive. I recognize this in OP's post -- OP is itching to assert his rights and pretends he HAS to, for his baby. No he doesn't. A mature person would know that poisoning the relationship with his baby's mother would be very bad for his baby and would not want that. It's not about rights, it's about how to raise these kids so they have a fighting chance of growing up happy and healthy, knowing how to love and be loved, not used as ammo. Thanks to my DC's father, I cannot wait for them to grow up so I can be free of his constant emotional abuse. And yet he is the victim....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DC's father loves to play the hero/victim role, too. People love it because it is such a romantic idea -- the man fighting to be in his children's lives. He loevs the image, too. They don't know. My DC's father has used my DC to hurt me many times over -- that is not parenting. It is sick. He has made many other decisions that had nothing to do with me that were also not the best for his children or were actually bad for them but were all about him. He has threatened me with court more times than I can count -- it is numbing. He tries as hard as he can to not pay child support. That is the side of him no one sees when they just see a man "fighting to be treated like an equal parent." He is doing it to be aggressive. I recognize this in OP's post -- OP is itching to assert his rights and pretends he HAS to, for his baby. No he doesn't. A mature person would know that poisoning the relationship with his baby's mother would be very bad for his baby and would not want that. It's not about rights, it's about how to raise these kids so they have a fighting chance of growing up happy and healthy, knowing how to love and be loved, not used as ammo. Thanks to my DC's father, I cannot wait for them to grow up so I can be free of his constant emotional abuse. And yet he is the victim....

Some people believe that allowing fathers into a child's life is part of what helps kids to grow up as healthy, happy productive beings, and that its a shame that men have to be 'allowed' in rather than that being a given. Not all men are bad fathers. Some are. Many are not. Just because your kids' dad is doesn't mean that all dads are are that dads shouldn't be allowed to spend time with their kids. Projecting your situation onto this OP is unfair.