joint custody for my infant son

[Anonymous]

13:39 PP here - I don't think it's unreasonable to talk to a lawyer this early on. He/she might have good advice on things to discuss between parents. And he can help both parents figure out the likely support figure dad will be paying, and what custody/visitation arrangements are typical. Frankly, it's not the worst thing to have that stuff ironed out early in case, God forbid, something happens to one parent. (Note: this is also a good time to switch the beneficiary on your policies and assets to your child, just in case.)

But yeah, as other PP's are pointing it, this is not about you. This is about the kid. Yes, it's best for the kid to have an ongoing relationship with both parents. But no child in recorded history has ever said, "I feel a loss because my father wasn't allowed to take me overnight before my 6-month birthday." Don't assume that the way things are at 3 months is the way they'll be at 1 year - you'll see differences in your ex's level of trust in you.

and whatever you do, please don't let this degenerate into a control issue. I have a friend whose narcissistic ex has always insisted on exactly 50% custody of their (not even two-year-old) child; he has to control every aspect of the relationship and he spent $20K or so on lawyers to ensure exact equal treatment. He was completely unreasonable over totally innocuous things (like she wanted to keep her child one additional day over a vacation, for example.) It completely poisoned the relationship between the parents and when my friend finally settled her court case, the father did NOT get 50% custody. (which she would have given him, had he not been such an ahole.) She was also out about $10K that she did not have, and was pretty pissed. They are going to spend the next 16 years pissed at each other, which could have been avoided, and their daughter has a tooth-grinding problem the doctor thinks is stress-related.

[Anonymous]

13:28 It's not what the mother wants right now. It is more reasonable to wait than to rush this. I wish we could hear her side of this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a PP who asked the OP who he was thinking more about, him or the baby, I do not think I am being harsh. Re-read his posts. It's all about him and his role as a dad and his son's mother's attitude towards that. The fact that he's already starting spending money on a lawyer is very sad to me, because it is so early in the process.

As for what to do, just because one PP agreed to an overnight at six weeks doesn't mean that works for everyone. That's an example of what you can do, not what you should do. I never would have been comfortable with that. Please be patient! Please try to find a middle ground between what she, your son's mother wants, and what you want, now and forever!

You seem to believe that the OP should be a father only at the mother's sufferance. I think that's just what he's trying to avoid. The fact is, the child has two parents. Absent a compelling reason, such as breastfeeding or a medical condition, why shouldn't he spend equal time at his mother's and father's houses? When you say, "I would never have been comfortable with that," aren't you thinking more about yourself than the baby - just what you accuse the OP of doing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:17:59 Actually, OP is looking for advice from dads. No one said the mother's time is automatically more valuable than the father's, she's been letting him see the baby every other day. Tons of married mothers are reluctant to let their DH take the baby out alone, so this is a common transition to parenthood issue.

I think the win/win is to take it slow, continue visiting the baby at the mother's, and avoid using attorneys at all costs. For all we know the mother is in addition to hormonal surges is sleep deprived. This is no time to start negotiation. Give it time.

This is ridiculous. Let him see the baby every day? It's his son! When the baby is at his house, he's not babysitting, he's takign care of his child. Sheesh.

FWIW, married mothers who are reluctant to let their husbands take their kids out alone are equally, if not more, ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are clearly not interested in the intense responses you received from the mothers here. Why? Does it not matter to you that your actions will have that same effect times 100 on your child's mother -- the person he will love more than anyone else in the world? It's sad you can't say, 'wow, i didnt' realize that' instead of, 'wow, you're not seeing it my way.'

Why will the child love his mother more than anyone else in the world? Why not his father?

Perhaps because in these circumstances, the child spends the majority of his time with his mother? That's what the OP is trying to address!

OP, I hope you taking much of this "advice" with a grain of salt. I for one applaud your efforts to be an equal part of your son's life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13:28 It's not what the mother wants right now. It is more reasonable to wait than to rush this. I wish we could hear her side of this!

So it's OK for the mother's wishes to control the situation? But when the father makes his wishes known, he's not acting in the best interests of his child? What hypocrisy.

[Anonymous]

14:34 Thanks for posting that. That's precisely what I want OP to avoid -- a legal confrontation that spoils their relationship.

14:35 That's me you are addressing. No, I absolutely do not think OP should be a father at the mother's sufferance. I think he needs to be patient about overnights and try to work with his son's mother about her readiness to let their son go to his place alone with his dad. She sounds very accommodating, having him over as often as she does.

And no I would not have been ready to let my three-month-old go alone anywhere, because he was fussy and was only consoled by me at that age. So I was not thinking of just me when I wrote that.

As for equal access, even that term is about the parent. It's gotten out of control. I know a teenager who wanted to live more with her mother and her dad said no. As soon as she went to college, she refused to do overnights at her dad's when she came home for summer and school breaks. I also know a dad who lived in Europe, his daughter here, he saw her at Christmas and over the summer. Well now she's graduated college and she's spending weeks and weeks with him every year.

A parent's love is not predicated on equal access. It's predicated on flexibility and sensitivity to the child's needs. This infant does NOT need to spend time at his dad's right now.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, married mothers who are reluctant to let their husbands take their kids out alone are equally, if not more, ridiculous.

HA. You do not know my ex-husband.

[Anonymous]

So it's OK for the mother's wishes to control the situation? But when the father makes his wishes known, he's not acting in the best interests of his child? What hypocrisy.

Well, when two parents disagree, as they often do, the parent whose wishes seem more attune to the child's should prevail. Here, the mother's wishes seem more attuned to their son's needs than the father's, who is referencing needs that go beyond his son's cognitive abilities, like becoming familiar with his space. Age is the biggest issue here. If this were a toddler, I would post that the mother is being unreasonable and unaccommodating.

[Anonymous]

And no I would not have been ready to let my three-month-old go alone anywhere, because he was fussy and was only consoled by me at that age. So I was not thinking of just me when I wrote that.

Perhaps if the child spent more time with his father, he wouldn't be consopled only by his mother.

This thread really is unbelievable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So it's OK for the mother's wishes to control the situation? But when the father makes his wishes known, he's not acting in the best interests of his child? What hypocrisy.

Well, when two parents disagree, as they often do, the parent whose wishes seem more attune to the child's should prevail. Here, the mother's wishes seem more attuned to their son's needs than the father's, who is referencing needs that go beyond his son's cognitive abilities, like becoming familiar with his space. Age is the biggest issue here. If this were a toddler, I would post that the mother is being unreasonable and unaccommodating.

What needs is the mother attuned to? Of the childs - not her own.

Again, people, this is about having a baby who is not breastfeeding spend nights at his father's house. Assuming the OP has appropriate space, which is of course a precondition for the visits, how can this possibly be controversial? The mother's desire to spend more time with her baby, insecurity at having him be out of her sight, guilt ate sendign him to daycare, or whatever, are NOT good reasons to prevent this. Put another way, how would the baby be harmed by this? Answer - he wouldn't. So on what basis would you have an objection to a son staying overnight at his father's house?

[Anonymous]

So on what basis would you have an objection to a son staying overnight at his father's house?

The son is an infant. Why does an infant need to do this, except to appease the father? (I'm a PP who's advised OP to take it slow. I have never advised OP to forget overnights!)

The child's age should be a factor in determining visitation. Are you aware of primary caretaker attachment theory and separation anxiety stages? There are some scholars who do not believe children can attach to more than one primary caretaker until they are older.

http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_g2602/is_0000/ai_2602000064/?tag=content;col1

Do you have direct experience with this?

[Anonymous]

OP- Just wondering about your situation. Are you in a relationship now? If so, does your ex know about it? I did not want my DD to spend time with my ex when he was dating this woman I didn't trust. I trusted my ex with our DD but not this new girlfriend. He said he would be taking care of our DD but when I went to pick our DD up one day, he was at work and this woman I had never met was with our child. Not cool with this Momma. Is there anything in your life and living situation that might be objectionable to your ex?

[Anonymous]

Most parents don't know much about child development and theory. We do what feels right. Why are we asking this dad if he has experience and knowellege most of us didn't have going in? Also, if he was married, nobody would be saying "You know, there's a theory saying kids can only attach to one caretaker ata time, so why don't you go ona hunting and fishing trip for x amount of time". Why is this theory being wheeled out and applied to this dad? And, if Mom gets to tell dad how to live his life using the son as leverage, then Dad gets to do the same for mom. And single mothers wonder why they are single.

[Anonymous]

And single mothers wonder why they are single.

That's helpful.