joint custody for my infant son

[Anonymous]

I see a lot of moms posting here about infant/toddler custody issues, and wondering if there are any dads out there with similar issues. From what I can tell (and my attoreny tells me) DC is fairly progressive in terms of dads' rights, but wondering what kind of experiences other dads have had. My boy is about 3-mos old now, and is doing great! His mom and I were never married, and I am actively interested in being my son's father, and for the most part, she has been reasonable about this. I was present at birth and spend time with him at least every other day, sometimes more - feeding, changing, bathing, playing, everything.

Recently his mom has been trying to restrict my time and not let me take him away from her home, though she let's me spend almost as much time as I want with him there. Of course I think it's unreasonable to not have more equity and have time with him at my home, but she has proven inflexible on this so far. I'm trying to decide when to draw the line and ask for the court to intervene. This time is very important and I think our son deserves to be a part of both of our lives. We only live about 20 minutes from each other (in good traffic), so it is relatively easy to share time. She also has not had much success with breastfeeding from the start and our son has been in daycare for two weeks already now, so it seems unreasonable to think he should not spend more time with me in my world. Any thoughts or experiences to share? (I am talking with my attorney, but I am naturally skeptical of his advice, since litigation is how he makes his healthy living!)

[Anonymous]

Why can't you just continue spending time with your son at your son's mother's house for now? Is it really such a big deal? He won't be an infant forever. Your relationship with his mother will affect the quality of his life. I hope your attorney is letting you know that if you go to court you will be poisoning that relationship, which will adversely affect your son's life.

[Anonymous]

I feel it's already being poisoned by her not respecting me as an equal parent. It is kind of a big deal, but, to your point, I'm trying to understand just how important. It makes no sense that she can feel okay dropping him off at daycare for the day, but refuses to let me bring him to my home for one day per weekend (without overnights). There are absolutely no issues with my home - 2br, clean, safe condo in upper NW, very similar to her apartment. MY struggle is knowing that this is a critical time for him when he is beginning to understand his surroundings and bonding with us as his parents, and I know that the sooner he is introduced to the knowledge that he has two homes, the easier it will be for him in the long run. Furthermore, I'm concerned by his mom's recent efforts to cut down on the amount and quality of time I spend with him. He won't be an infant forever, but I'm thinking it's important to establish an agreement sooner than later so that his mom will start to recognize that I am his father with equal rights. Tough call - appreciate the thoughts...

[Anonymous]

Dude, with all due respect I think that you are getting way ahead of yourself. The baby is what, 12 weeks old? He does not have the capacity to understand that he has 2 homes. You are confusing your needs with his. What was your relationship with his mother like before she got pregnant? Why was marriage or living together not in the cards? What are her reservations about you?

I think it comes down to the simple fact that she is back at work and has very little time with him and doesn't want to lose a whole weekend day. No judge will order that, not even in DC. In fact, they are far more likely to order exactly what you have for such a young infant. Did she seem more resistant after you started to talk about being equal and what you were entitled to? If so, I can totally understand that response. How much reading have you done about child development? I'd put an equal if not double amount of time and energy into figuring out how to have the best relationship possible with your ex. Throwing a tantrum and threatening litigation and the baby is just newly in daycare? If it was my I'd be thinking of moving out of the area.

[Anonymous]

I'm not clear, has she EVER let you take him out of her apartment? Is the hanging out with him at her place a change in her policy? If things did change, what preceded that? If you have only hung out with him at her house why is it necessary to change that at this time?

You seem very focused on you and what you want and not so focused on showing her the respect and consideration you feel you are due. I take it this is why you don't even live together? I think if you stopped being so all about ME, ME, ME, you might find your relationship with your ex going more smoothly. Making increasing demands on the mother of a newborn and threatening to get the courts involved is a real jack**s manuever.

You might really want to do some therapy yourself and figure out how fighting over a baby is not in anyone's long term interests. It sounds like you have tons of access. Why is that still not enough? Imagine, if you were able to really see your interests and build a great relationhsip with his mom, you could even get to live with him daily.

[Anonymous]

I think PPs are being a little harsh on OP, who just wants to be an equally involve parent. I think there is real value in the baby being with dad in his own home. It's important for dad's bonding to feel like a father and not a visitor or helper to the mother.

OP, I can totally see why your child's mother doesn't want DC away from her for a whole day on the weekend if she's away from him now during the weekdays. It's a tough adjustment for any mother, so while the situation is new, I'd try to be compassionate about her sense of losing time with the baby every day. That said, is there any way your job would allow you to be the caregiver some of the time during the week in lieu of daycare? This would address both of your concerns. Are you able to claim FMLA consideration to maybe adjust your schedule to four days a week for a while or four days in the office and makeup work time on weekends or evenings so that you could be with your baby more during the week? Try to think creatively about solutions that will benefit you both.

[Anonymous]

OP,

This sounds like it's about you and not the baby. The baby does not need to go to your place right now. Do some research on early child development.

I'd continue seeing the baby as you are until he's walking and talking. If you push his mother, should could up and move to a jurisdiction with less favorable custody laws than DC.

Be patient. Save your money for your baby. Going to court costs thousands and thousands of dollars.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like the mom is being very generous as you said yourself she allows you to come over and spend as much time as you would like with your son. I think you would look very unreasonable to a judge/court by stating the his mom is being restrictive with your time with him.

[Anonymous]

I'm a mom of a 2yo. My ex and I broke up during the pregnancy, but it's been a good co-parenting relationship. while we didn't get the legal stuff ironed out right away, he had joint custody from the beginning. He did his first overnight with her at 5-6 weeks, and after that he had one overnight a week for awhile, then eventually we moved to 2. (which is where we are now.) Before that, he stayed at my house for the first 2-3 weeks and at least weekly during my leave, so I learned to trust him with the baby.

You guys may need to sit down and really talk about this stuff. First, remember that she is still probably affected by her pregnancy hormones. Second, do NOT say that to her. Don't poke the mama bear - a guy pretending he understands our hormones can come off as condescending or just annoying. Third, remember that our protective instincts are crazy strong anyway, but especially when the baby is so teeny. You might think you're attached, but trust me, we are more attached because we carried that kid inside of us for 9 months and our entire world has changed more than yours has. Our bodies are different, our minds are different, our routines are different, and that happened once we found out we were pregnant, not 3 months ago. So yeah, we're protective.

anyway, you need to figure out how the responsibility will progress. Think long term, not "what do I have today." Frankly, at some point, she will want/need some time away from the kid, and she will know that he's better off with you than with more time with daycare or babysitters, but she has to get to that point internally. And honestly, while it is important that you bond with your son from day 1, the bonding at 6 months or 1 year or 2 years will be even more fulfilling. That's your goal. Slow start is no big deal - this is a marathon. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mom of a 2yo. My ex and I broke up during the pregnancy, but it's been a good co-parenting relationship. while we didn't get the legal stuff ironed out right away, he had joint custody from the beginning. He did his first overnight with her at 5-6 weeks, and after that he had one overnight a week for awhile, then eventually we moved to 2. (which is where we are now.) Before that, he stayed at my house for the first 2-3 weeks and at least weekly during my leave, so I learned to trust him with the baby.

You guys may need to sit down and really talk about this stuff. First, remember that she is still probably affected by her pregnancy hormones. Second, do NOT say that to her. Don't poke the mama bear - a guy pretending he understands our hormones can come off as condescending or just annoying. Third, remember that our protective instincts are crazy strong anyway, but especially when the baby is so teeny. You might think you're attached, but trust me, we are more attached because we carried that kid inside of us for 9 months and our entire world has changed more than yours has. Our bodies are different, our minds are different, our routines are different, and that happened once we found out we were pregnant, not 3 months ago. So yeah, we're protective.

anyway, you need to figure out how the responsibility will progress. Think long term, not "what do I have today." Frankly, at some point, she will want/need some time away from the kid, and she will know that he's better off with you than with more time with daycare or babysitters, but she has to get to that point internally. And honestly, while it is important that you bond with your son from day 1, the bonding at 6 months or 1 year or 2 years will be even more fulfilling. That's your goal. Slow start is no big deal - this is a marathon. Good luck.

Really good advice here. I agree some of the PPs are being overly harsh as well. OP, you sound like a dad who wants a relationship with his child -- that's great.

I would also add that taking him for an entire weekend day from the get-go is probably a bit much. Perhaps you can offer to take him out for shorter periods of time? Like, offer to take him to the coffee shop with you for a few hours on a Sunday morning so she can get some sleep. Small steps.

While I do think it's important that the baby is allowed to stay with you at your home at some point, it's not quite yet.

Also, have you hammered out a custody agreement with your child's mother? You should. And you should write it knowing the child will spend more time with mom as an infant and hten be able to go to your house for overnights when he or she is a bit older.

[Anonymous]

As a PP who asked the OP who he was thinking more about, him or the baby, I do not think I am being harsh. Re-read his posts. It's all about him and his role as a dad and his son's mother's attitude towards that. The fact that he's already starting spending money on a lawyer is very sad to me, because it is so early in the process.

As for what to do, just because one PP agreed to an overnight at six weeks doesn't mean that works for everyone. That's an example of what you can do, not what you should do. I never would have been comfortable with that. Please be patient! Please try to find a middle ground between what she, your son's mother wants, and what you want, now and forever!

[Anonymous]

Agree with 14:27. OP makes it sound like an attorney knocked on his door and asked him if he wanted representation. Obviously OP went to an attorney. It sounds like he is itching to assert his 'rights' or he wouldn't be talking to an attorney. Do what is best for your son, not what is best for your ego. (And have some compassion for your DS's mother, who is trying to adjust to taking care of an infant and doesn't need any extra pressure from you. Why don't you try to help her instead? She is your DC's mother, not just 'someone'.)

[Anonymous]

OMG- these PP'S ARE FULL OF IT! If it was the mother writing that the dad did NOT want to spend time... the first thing they would be yelling is what a JERK! The guy wants to be a father to his child -- GOOD FOR HIM! Why is it hard for her to be away from the baby but not the dad??? It's smart for him to contact an attorney -- if he finds a good one. A good one may be able to help him to respectfully and peacefully iron out a custody agreement that works for everyone involved. How sexist folks are -- a million posts about dads not wanting to be involved and they get roasted in the flames of DCUM HELL -- but when a dad says he wants to be involved from the beginning he's being pushy and aggressive -- geez!

[Anonymous]

There are many, many ways a father can be very involved without being aggressive toward the child's mother. Maybe if OP weren't acting aggressive he wouldnt' come off as aggressive. Suing a new mother for joint custody is unconscionable. It's saying, 'I don't give a damn about my baby's mother, just about me and my rights.' Nice attitude.

[Anonymous]

17:23 Actually, this PP would be saying count your blessings if he didn't want to be super involved at this juncture. In fact I've seen posts on DCUM from mothers without involved fathers expressing gratitude and relief for that. In many ways this OP is being just as selfish as an uninvolved father, because his reasons for all about being an equal parent -- why equal? -- are all about HIM. Plus he is so clueless he thinks a three-month old is going to get the concept of two parents in two homes. This is ludicrous.

Is it sexist? No. He's not the mother.

No PP said to bug off. The consensus is to remain involved but be patient about overnights, etc.

Fiinally, do you co-parent? I do. It is hard on everyone, starting with the child.