joint custody for my infant son

[Anonymous]

I think this is a hard spot your both are in. I understand where the mom is coming from and I get where you are comming from. I guess my question is can you sit down one evening/day and talk about what longer term your time with your child is going to be and how you as a family are going to get there (yes your and her and the baby are a family - maybe not the one we all envision when we plan our lives but...).

Is she on the same long term page as you? If so I would say BE PATIENT.

Can she run her errands while you keep the baby in her apt alone for short periods?
Will she agree for you to talk that baby for 2 or 3 hours at a time for a while and slowly work up the time?
Is there an age she THINKs she may be okay with the baby spending a night at your house? (this will widely depend on the child as he grows)
What are her concerns regarding you taking the baby for a couple hours or even the night? How can you help her to be comfortable with this?
Can you pick up the baby a couple times a week and bring him to her apt? (it would be a little bit of time for you and him AND it would be helpful to her I would think)
Is either of your schedule alterable? (could you keep him during some of her work hours?)
I may have read this in yoru post but are you feeding the baby at all? OR changing diapers? Giving baths? etc....? That was a big one for me my EX didnt do many of those things for a long time (his parents did but not him)


Here is how it worked for our child from 0-2years.

my DS dad come to see him where we lived until 8 months. (arounds 5 months I started leaving them and running errands, going to the bookshop, out for coffee, whatever for a couple hours at a time. (that being said I didnt sit on top of them either. I curled up and read a book in the bedroom, played the Wii, surfed the web, cleaned, took a shower, a nap, etc)

at 8 months he started taking him out or to his house for short stints ( a couple hours).

at a year he started with ALL day one weekend day and a couple evenings a week based on everyones schedule.

He didnt start overnights until after 2 BUT our child was not ready for it until then and even still will request that "I needs mommy now all done playing with you daddy" BUT he also asks for his dad at time. WE are BOTH very important to him.

Also if you guys can come to an agreement I would get it legally put in place. It really will make life easier to have something to go back to. Ours is VERY basic and very flexible BUT we have SOMETHING there which protects our sons RIGHT to have both of us in his life as much as possible.


you BOTH need to learn to paretns right now and its hard for BOTH of you. I hope you to can learn to paretn together. It is best for the child not to feel conflicted about his parents.

[Anonymous]

A few questions -
1. You said the mother is allowing you to spend as much time as you want at her house, so why not take advantage of this and spend as much time as you would like with the baby at her house? If the issue is bonding with the child, this should solve the "problem."
2. You said that her not allowing you to take the child on your own has been "recent" - did she used to let you take the baby to your house and is now not allowing it? Is there anything you can think of that has changed? Have you asked her why she doesn't want you to take the baby - this is important information because otherwise we are all just guessing here. Direct communication is SOOOO important when co-parenting.
3. Are there any reasons the mom has to be concerned about you spending time alone with the baby? This was my first thought - that she is worried about something related to your ability to care for the child.
4. Where do you live? Do you live with anyone else? Do you have a crib for the baby? Other baby supplies? Is the neighborhood safe? Have you ever had the baby alone at night? Done night feedings? What is your philosophy about putting the child to bed/CIO (at 3 months this shouldn 't be an issue), etc.? Maybe she does not agree with your ideas about nighttime care for the baby and this is contributing to her not wanting the baby with you at night? Again, this is where direct communication is important so you can ascertain what specifically is causing her to not want you to have the baby alone for overnights.

Just some other thoughts: being a single mom (even with the support of the father)is very stressful. Just the transition to being a new mom is very stressful - she could well be dealing with some very real post-partum depression issues, and separating from her child (even though the child is in daycare) could be extremely difficult for her - especially if she had breastfeeding difficulties. It is really important to be mindful of these things -having a new baby is a major life/identity change and your ability to have empathy/understanding for this is very important - a lack of it will increase the chance of difficulties now and later on.


I really am curious about the circumstances of your break up - because this could be contributing to her reasons for not wanting you alone with the child. Again, without information all we have to go on are assumptions.

[Anonymous]

PP here - another question, you said she had difficulty breastfeeding - is she still trying at all? If so, nighttime is the most important/best time for milk production. So if she is trying to get her supply up, and then feeding him either in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning, that could be really important. Especially if she's having trouble but still trying, being around the infant as often as possible and trying to nurse is VERY important. Again, communication is very important b/c these are all just guesses without real info.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She also has not had much success with breastfeeding from the start and our son has been in daycare for two weeks already now, so it seems unreasonable to think he should not spend more time with me in my world.

You say "she has not had much success with breastfeeding..." Can you clarify if she is still trying to breastfeed at all? If she is, I would suspect that this is a major reason why she doesn't want you to take the baby out of the home. Breastfeeding can be very complicated and when the baby is out of the home for daycare, etc., it is even more complicated. Pumping to express milk (IME) is not as effective as have a real baby breastfeeding. Beyond that there are issues related to milk supply, bonding, understanding the baby's signals, etc. Then pile on top of the anxieties about being an unsuccessful mother (not that one is if not breastfeeding, but that one might think so ...), etc.

If you want to try to understand how difficult breastfeeding can be, just search some of the other DCUM threads.

If she is still trying to breastfeed, then, IMO, it is very unreasonable for you to want to take the baby for longer than an hour or so let alone overnights, especially if the baby is already in daycare. This means that she is pumping or feeding formula for a significant part of the day and further separation would just likely lead to giving up breastfeeding.

BTW, I am also unmarried mom of 2 who has for the past 5 years been handling custody/visitation of our kids with their Dad. Neither one of us ever approached the courts to resolve our custody/visitation issues. He lives 10 min. away from us. Kids live with me. He comes over for dinner/bath/bed time 3 nights a week and spends one weekend day with them. Sometimes we do things together, sometimes he takes them out for activities, but they always return to the same bed at the end of the day. My daughter is now old enough that she has seen many of her peers split homes and she has expressed gratitude to me that she has never had to endure switching houses. This is what is right for both Dad and me and kids for a variety of reasons, but I want to assure you that our kids love him just as much as if they lived with him. In our situation kids/parents get to spend more than 50/50 time with each other, so this is the major bonus. Yes, Dad or I could insist that the other go away during our "time" but then I (and he) would actually end up spending less time with our kids than we do now.

Having said that, I respect that you want some "alone time" with the baby. At this age, perhaps you can take baby for a walk in the stroller, go to playground, go to a nearby baby class, etc.? Try to be helpful to Mom also -- maybe you can suggest that she would like to take a Yoga class every Sat. AM while you stay with baby or have a regular "girls night" with friends while you stay at her place with baby? Or even just bring her breakfast, coffee and the paper and encourage her to have a good weekend relaxation while you play with the baby in another room. There are many ways for you to get "alone time" without having to take the baby to your house. Remember, the space doesn't matter as much as the face. As long as the baby is seeing your face, then you shouldn't worry too much about where that happens.

[Anonymous]

14:11 I don't think OP and your children's father are cut from the same cloth. My ex is like OP, and insisted that my son do overnights at his house starting at age 2 when we split up. It was hell, I suggested we do what you are doing but he wanted to create his own world and have as little to do with me as possible -- including refusing to let me speak to my son even though a psychiatrist had recommended we have phone contact. And he left me. So, you are lucky to have such a flexible co-parentint. Also, in the interest of sensitisizing everyone to this, I do hope your older one doesn't tell her classmates who have two homes that she's happy that she doesn't have to do that. Also, does she actually use the word "endure," or are you projecting?

[Anonymous]

There are some very helpful posts, but there are many that are just so slanted to the perspective and inherent authority of the mother that I find it offensive. Why does the fact of giving birth let the mother make all the rules? This is the flip side of married dads that call taking care of their own children babysitting.

This is a dad that wants to be involved and the mother is making all the rules. Dads spending independent time with their children does in fact make a difference in the relationship. It sounds like this mom will not leave him alone with the child or let him take the child out of the apartment. That is simply unreasonable, I would not want to be forced to learn to be a parent under somebody else's roof and rules, I would at least need to feel that we reached the agreed to plan with input from both sides. Perhaps they should work with a psychologist and a mediator to come up with a plan, but mom does not necessary know best here just because she is mom.

I am, by the way, a mom.

[Anonymous]

22:41 NO ONE, not a single poster, suggested the mother should make all the rules. This is just an infant, and there is no reason whatsoever that the father needs to take the infant out alone right now. NONE. As for unreasonable, did the mother say she would never allow the father to take the baby on his own, for the rest of the baby's childhood? FNo. or all we know, the mother is grieving over the realization that she is going to miss so much of her child's childhood, and needs time to come to terms with that. If she's letting OP see the baby regularly, what is wrong with the current arrangement for now? Emphasis on for now. I think it is unreasonable -- preposterous in fact -- for a father to assert "equal parent" entitlement with an infant. (Just curious: Are you a mom raising a child between two homes or a partnered mom or a single mom with no father involvement? Because unless you are living this life, you cannot believe how emotionally wrenching it is.)

[Anonymous]

I think it is unreasonable -- preposterous in fact -- for a father to assert "equal parent" entitlement with an infant.

Unless she is breastfeeding, why is it unreasonable (much less preposterous)? That attitute - that the mother is entitled to much more time/bonding/contact with the child, and the father has to take what he can get (really, what she decides to give him), is exactly the attitude that 22:41 is taking about. It's just not about rules. Your position seems to be, "There's no reason for it, and it would be devastaing to the mother." That prioritizes the mother's feelings over all else, including the father's relationship with his son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: So, you are lucky to have such a flexible co-parentint. Also, in the interest of sensitisizing everyone to this, I do hope your older one doesn't tell her classmates who have two homes that she's happy that she doesn't have to do that. Also, does she actually use the word "endure," or are you projecting?

I am lucky to have a flexible co-parent. As a result, I try to be very flexible as well. Our children benefit tremendously.

Of course, my child doesn't tell her friends she's happy she doesn't have to switch homes. They tell her she's lucky she doesn't have to. She listens but doesn't respond much to their complaints, because there's nothing she can do to make them feel better about their situation. I'm definitely not projecting her dislike of 50/50 arrangements. She hears it directly from her friends who live it.

[Anonymous]

This thread is so confusing to me...OP, you are just as much of a parent and jump in there. If she is not breast feeding then the mother is not more entitled to bond than you are (I'm a mother btw).

If she isn't going to let you have your child spend a night with you, tell her you'd be happy to spend a night at her house to bond with your son. But you WILL spend the night with your son. You don't want to miss out on those early bonding experiences.

All you mothers who somehow think you are more important than your partners - I'm sure you'd be the first to be screaming if a father was saying "I don't want to have anything to do with my child during the first few weeks" - but this father wants to be involved and you're giving him shit.

SHAME.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: So, you are lucky to have such a flexible co-parentint. Also, in the interest of sensitisizing everyone to this, I do hope your older one doesn't tell her classmates who have two homes that she's happy that she doesn't have to do that. Also, does she actually use the word "endure," or are you projecting?

I am lucky to have a flexible co-parent. As a result, I try to be very flexible as well. Our children benefit tremendously.

Of course, my child doesn't tell her friends she's happy she doesn't have to switch homes. They tell her she's lucky she doesn't have to. She listens but doesn't respond much to their complaints, because there's nothing she can do to make them feel better about their situation. I'm definitely not projecting her dislike of 50/50 arrangements. She hears it directly from her friends who live it.

But his son will have to do 50/50 or the like - so why not get used to it now. The mother doesn't set the rules, the parents do together

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So it's OK for the mother's wishes to control the situation? But when the father makes his wishes known, he's not acting in the best interests of his child? What hypocrisy.

Well, when two parents disagree, as they often do, the parent whose wishes seem more attune to the child's should prevail. Here, the mother's wishes seem more attuned to their son's needs than the father's, who is referencing needs that go beyond his son's cognitive abilities, like becoming familiar with his space. Age is the biggest issue here. If this were a toddler, I would post that the mother is being unreasonable and unaccommodating.

I wonder what the relationship is/was btwn the OP dad and the mom. Or if there was a relationship. Does he pay ny child support? Was he available to her during the pregnancy?

[Anonymous]

Well, if he becomes an equal parent, he's setting the rules! Obviously they are going to have to compromise.

Also, all you folks who are advocating equal parenting, have you witnessed firsthand how hard this is on children? I am guessing not. You are just focused on the parents. I have lived this, and my child begged not to have to go to daddy's for years, and would cry and beg me to call his dad and ask for an extra day with me and tell me he cried himself to sleep every night at bedtime because he missed me. For years. His dad even pulled a sobbing, sick child out of my arms, telling him, "But it's my turn." Now my child is older, and is fine with the back and forth.

Do some research. There is a consensus about age appropriate visitation.

And right we do not know the history of this couple. Further, visitation drives child support, and can be a factor in a parent's wishes for time with their child.

[Anonymous]

9:26 That is not my position. My position is the father is claiming his son needs something -- time at the father's place -- when it is actually the father who needs it. As one PP said, what's important now is face time. I do think the mother's feelings are important right now given what she just went through physically and emotionally. But I never suggested they were the only thing to consider. I have urged the OP to be patient and flexible. He's already constructed an equal parent paradigm, which suggests to me that he has done little research about infant and toddler attachment, age-appropriate visitation and models other than perfect 50-50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:9:26 That is not my position. My position is the father is claiming his son needs something -- time at the father's place -- when it is actually the father who needs it. As one PP said, what's important now is face time. I do think the mother's feelings are important right now given what she just went through physically and emotionally. But I never suggested they were the only thing to consider. I have urged the OP to be patient and flexible. He's already constructed an equal parent paradigm, which suggests to me that he has done little research about infant and toddler attachment, age-appropriate visitation and models other than perfect 50-50.

I sense you're bringing your own baggage into this.