joint custody for my infant son

[Anonymous]

Baggage to you, experience to me. Note the PP above whose children with a home base hear from their friends about not liking going back and forth. I am not advocating a home base for OP's son by any means. I repeat: I am suggesting he be flexible and patient and willing to compromise. The mother will have to compromise, too, of course. There's time for that. (And you know, calling my experience "baggage" is kind of nasty. But you know that.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: So, you are lucky to have such a flexible co-parentint. Also, in the interest of sensitisizing everyone to this, I do hope your older one doesn't tell her classmates who have two homes that she's happy that she doesn't have to do that. Also, does she actually use the word "endure," or are you projecting?

I am lucky to have a flexible co-parent. As a result, I try to be very flexible as well. Our children benefit tremendously.

Of course, my child doesn't tell her friends she's happy she doesn't have to switch homes. They tell her she's lucky she doesn't have to. She listens but doesn't respond much to their complaints, because there's nothing she can do to make them feel better about their situation. I'm definitely not projecting her dislike of 50/50 arrangements. She hears it directly from her friends who live it.

But his son will have to do 50/50 or the like - so why not get used to it now. The mother doesn't set the rules, the parents do together

I hate this "will have to do 50/50". There is no "have to". In fact, if you look at state parenting/custody guidelines, many are no where near 50/50 for infants (usually 1-2 hours, 3x a week and 1 24hour period max per week only if father was "hands on" prior to separation). Whatever arrangement the parents can agree upon between themselves is OK. By and large, if 2 parents come before a court to legalize a custody arrangement they have agreed on privately, the court is going to enter it without change unless the court believes that one of the parties is making the agreement without benefit of counsel. There is no legal authority to say that custody HAS to be 50/50. There is no psychological authority that says that custody HAS to be 50/50. There are legal presumptions to be used when the parties disagree. Consensus psychologically is 2 involved parents, not a particular period of time.

If Mom is still trying to breastfeed, then IMO, Dad should try to support that and focus less on strict 50/50 and his house at this age and more on frequent short visits and ways to be alone with baby for short bursts. The best way to accomplish this is to talk about it in an non-threatening cooperative way. There are lots of ways to get alone time and even get to his own house. For example, he goes over to Mom's house to visit baby now. Why not propose that he pick up baby from daycare bring to his own house and fix dinner for Mom, baby and everyone? This way one visit is at his house. Mom has one flexible PM at work where she doesn't have to pick up baby and bonus of not fixing dinner, yet Mom can still breastfeed right after work, and baby still sleeps in just one crib. Or depending on breastfeeding schedule, Mom can pickup and feed at daycare and bring to Dad's while Dad fixes dinner. Dad could pitch it straight up as one of his 3 nights or propose it as 4th night with child --either for him to focus on child or for mom to spend time with child w/o having to do home chores.

Once Mom's and Dad's concerns are understood, perhaps there are other ways to meet both Mom and Dad's concerns for child -- instead of 50/50 custody between 2 houses, there can be rotating "nesting" where one home is primary for the child and the parents rotate in and out, either sharing the "out" nest or having 2 smaller apartments in addition to the primary home. (Yes, money can be a factor in this.)

There are many ways to skin a cat.

Maybe instead of a lawyer for advice, OP needs a mediator or facilitator that can help him talk to the Mom in a neutral way to come to short term and long term flexible understandings about custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:9:26 That is not my position. My position is the father is claiming his son needs something -- time at the father's place -- when it is actually the father who needs it. As one PP said, what's important now is face time. I do think the mother's feelings are important right now given what she just went through physically and emotionally. But I never suggested they were the only thing to consider. I have urged the OP to be patient and flexible. He's already constructed an equal parent paradigm, which suggests to me that he has done little research about infant and toddler attachment, age-appropriate visitation and models other than perfect 50-50.

I sense you're bringing your own baggage into this.

I agree that his is about the OP not the baby. First he says it doesn't matter at all to the infant who gives him a bottle or changes his diaper (i.e., the mother is just like any other person) then he says he needs to do those very things himself so his son will bond with him. Which is it? If it doesn't matter if it's the mother or someone else, why does it matter if it's the OP or someone else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel it's already being poisoned by her not respecting me as an equal parent. It is kind of a big deal, but, to your point, I'm trying to understand just how important. It makes no sense that she can feel okay dropping him off at daycare for the day, but refuses to let me bring him to my home for one day per weekend (without overnights). There are absolutely no issues with my home - 2br, clean, safe condo in upper NW, very similar to her apartment. MY struggle is knowing that this is a critical time for him when he is beginning to understand his surroundings and bonding with us as his parents, and I know that the sooner he is introduced to the knowledge that he has two homes, the easier it will be for him in the long run. Furthermore, I'm concerned by his mom's recent efforts to cut down on the amount and quality of time I spend with him. He won't be an infant forever, but I'm thinking it's important to establish an agreement sooner than later so that his mom will start to recognize that I am his father with equal rights. Tough call - appreciate the thoughts...

After cruising through the replies to your question I'm fairly sure the people replying are disgruntled single moms with issues of their own regarding custody, not helpful. Of course you want to spend time with your child, of course you want to introduce him to your home and have him become a more cohesive part of your life. I think its wonderful that you want to and are taking such an active role in your child's life. It is not unreasonable to want any of these things and it is unreasonable of your former partner to restrict your time and refuse to allow you to have over night visits without cause.

This time is crucial and you have just as much a right to share in these early weeks as the mom. I am sure that if your roles were reversed and for some reason the baby was living with you instead, no one would be saying 'dude its only been twelve weeks'. It is so important that you be a consistent and ongoing presence right now, so your child perceives you as a source of safety and comfort. Ultimately it does that baby a severe injustice to limit their access to another parental source of unconditional love and affection simply because they themselves have either control issues, or wish to punish you, or even simply (if unreasonably) can't bear to be without the child. Unless you have a child on your own with an anonymous sperm donor you should pretty much have to assume you will need to share and it won't always be comfortable but it is ultimately often best.

At any rate, my son is going through a similar situation. He is probably a bit younger than you, only 21 and his former girlfriend is trying to make it as impossible as she can for him to spend time with his newborn son. He was at every appointment and the birth and spent the first 7 days with him at her parents house but it became so difficult and unpleasant once it was clear that the baby was not going to miraculously rekindle their relationship. Her statement to him was that if he didn't want to be with her she doesn't want him in their lives. My reply to my son who was visibly worried and distraught-- Too bad, in Maryland the father has as much of a right to parent as the mother. If he wants, he can drive up there with a car seat and bring that baby home for the night and the only question the police would ask were they called would be, are you the baby's father? So, its really important to go ahead and get a written joint custody agreement together and file it with the courts. You will save yourself a lot of trouble and pain, and she might be more reasonable.

So, its been really nice and patient of you not to push but it might be in your and your baby's best interest if you go ahead and make it official.

By the way: It is not selfish to want to parent your son equally. I have two month old and two 21 year old sons, and while my daughter recognizes her brothers and finds their faces interesting, only me OR my husband can calm her when she's fussy or upset, so a three month old will definitely recognize daddy, and could benefit from establishing a a regular schedule at his house. Why do these moms think allowing a father to, well, father will take something away from them? So its not a fairytale ending, it rarely is, be glad your baby has someone who loves them enough to want to spend time taking care of them.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all of the responses but here is a question for your OP. Have you satisfied all of your child support obligations? A lawyer will want to know.

[Anonymous]

18:21 Perhaps you are disgruntled grandmother with issues of your own about custody. Seriously, if your husband left you tomorrow, would you be begging for 50-50?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:18:21 Perhaps you are disgruntled grandmother with issues of your own about custody. Seriously, if your husband left you tomorrow, would you be begging for 50-50?

I think 18:21 sounds completely reasonable and not disgruntled at all. That's a weird interpretation of what I thought was a very reasonable perspective.

[Anonymous]

10:34 She's accusing the single mothers who've posted here of being disgruntled. So by her definition she is disgruntled since her son is having custody issues! Her experience is informing her, just as mine is informing me. I would love to see how she'd feel if her current husband left her tomorrow and insisted on 50-50 custody of her infant. Not that I wish that on her or her child.

[Anonymous]

Don't assume OP will get joint custody if he goes to court, as if he is being 'patient' with the mom and kind for not forcing the issue. My DC's child sued me for full custody and got only a few hours of visitation per week. No overnights, no joint custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't assume OP will get joint custody if he goes to court, as if he is being 'patient' with the mom and kind for not forcing the issue. My DC's child sued me for full custody and got only a few hours of visitation per week. No overnights, no joint custody.

Meant my DC's father.

[Anonymous]

11:22 Where was this? Every state is different. Something tells me this was not in D.C.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:11:22 Where was this? Every state is different. Something tells me this was not in D.C.

It was in MD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:34 She's accusing the single mothers who've posted here of being disgruntled. So by her definition she is disgruntled since her son is having custody issues! Her experience is informing her, just as mine is informing me. I would love to see how she'd feel if her current husband left her tomorrow and insisted on 50-50 custody of her infant. Not that I wish that on her or her child.

I bet she'd hate it, and want to spend more time with her child. That doesn't change the fact that the child's father has every right to be an equal co-parent. Once again, a mother's separation anxiety shouldn't interfere with a father establishing a close, bonding relationship with his child. It's not all about the mom.

[Anonymous]

10:57 here. Of course it's not all about the mom. How to handle a child's separation anxiety? Should that help shape the schedule? If OP's son has serious separation anxiety over spending time away from mom at age nine months or 18 months or 3 years, will you think maybe for a stretch the child should spend more time with the mother, or does dad's opinion prevail.

My point was not that the mom decree what the split be. It's that her stance would change if she lived what others have lived.

11:40 Montgomery County? OP is in DC.

[Anonymous]

That doesn't change the fact that the child's father has every right to be an equal co-parent.

ACCORDING TO?
AT EVERY AGE?
IF DAD WORKS LATE FOUR NIGHTS A WEEK?
OR TRAVELS ALL THE TIME FOR WORK?