Friend giving me a hard time about not hosting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone saying OP should "host" e.g. pay for meals for all her friends who have husbands etc? There is clear wealth disparity between her and her married friends who are married to bankers. I would never expect a friend who lives in a crappy studio cover my and my husband's restaurant check under any conditions

The way to show hospitality to your friends for cheap is to cook something inexpensive. OP has ruled that out. Her friends are apparently regularly feeding her. She should reciprocate in some manner. Also, she did not say money was the issue here.

It does sound to me that she reciprocates within her means - bearings wine and gifts to their events. I wouldn’t expect much from someone much poorer than myself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone saying OP should "host" e.g. pay for meals for all her friends who have husbands etc? There is clear wealth disparity between her and her married friends who are married to bankers. I would never expect a friend who lives in a crappy studio cover my and my husband's restaurant check under any conditions

The way to show hospitality to your friends for cheap is to cook something inexpensive. OP has ruled that out. Her friends are apparently regularly feeding her. She should reciprocate in some manner. Also, she did not say money was the issue here.

It does sound to me that she reciprocates within her means - bearings wine and gifts to their events. I wouldn’t expect much from someone much poorer than myself

She said nothing about money being the issue for her. And do you think people who aren't rich don't host or cook? Tons of people host in their 20s from studio apartments. And there's not a chair shortage out there in the world, you can get some more chairs if that's the issue. Put a curtain up if you don't want people to see your bed. If you want to reciprocate your friends hosting and cooking for you, you will find a way of doing that.

[Anonymous]

Assuming this was OP upthread:

“Also should note money is no object for anyone else in this group. Each individual makes over 150k a year”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The responses here are sort of astounding.

Her friends behavior is a classic boundary violation. It amazes me that so many people are missing this. The OP has a boundary that she doesn’t like to host dinners in her apartment. It is her life. She gets to decide that.

The friend can decide whether she wants to have a reciprocal boundary — not hanging out with her anymore because of it. It is her life. She gets to decide that.

But it is absolutely a boundary violation for the friend to force the OP to do things that the OP doesn’t want to do. The OP also doesn’t need a good reason either — it can simply be her preference.

My wife and I never host people at our house for dinners. It is not our thing at all. We even have a big house — not a small apartment There is nothing wrong with that.

100% on target. Make your boundary crystal clear and then drop the rope.

This. This is all that matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Assuming this was OP upthread:

“Also should note money is no object for anyone else in this group. Each individual makes over 150k a year”

You can’t really host crowds of banker friends on 150k in dmv

[Anonymous]

If you are attending regular dinner parties at various friends' homes, you should reciprocate. If you can't host at home, it should be at a restaurant where you arrange the time and pick up the check for the party. That's the general social expectation.

Buying pizza to eat at your friend's house or making a restaurant reservation with a split check isn't fulfilling your social obligation.

I think it's fine to disengage from these dinner parties if you can't reciprocate. Restaurants get expensive. Why don't you just get together with your friend for lunch, since you don't seem to care for her husband anyway?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone saying OP should "host" e.g. pay for meals for all her friends who have husbands etc? There is clear wealth disparity between her and her married friends who are married to bankers. I would never expect a friend who lives in a crappy studio cover my and my husband's restaurant check under any conditions

The way to show hospitality to your friends for cheap is to cook something inexpensive. OP has ruled that out. Her friends are apparently regularly feeding her. She should reciprocate in some manner. Also, she did not say money was the issue here.

It does sound to me that she reciprocates within her means - bearings wine and gifts to their events. I wouldn’t expect much from someone much poorer than myself

Did she say she was much poorer than the others?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By host she means pay. It costs a lot of money to have people over. Host in a bar and pick up the tab.

Why bar? Why pay for overpriced toxic drinks? Why not casual hole in the wall type restaurants.

You are splitting hairs. Literally anywhere. Doesn't have to be a bar. I happen to like over priced cocktails, but if someone else was paying, I'd drink rail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’re in our late 20s and I’m the only one in our DC friend group that doesn’t live with a partner & lives in a 400 square foot studio downtown. I also work a pretty demanding media job where I don’t have evenings open so I rarely cook for myself or anyone else. I also don’t have seating for more than 3 people, have a huge office set up in my apartment and super limited space, so when I initiate plans for everyone I usually make restaurant reservations.
Also I’m frankly busy & have limited time to date because of my job so I love going out to restaurants and actually want to enjoy my free time

One of my married friends keeps bringing up that I never host which is bizarre because I do initiate plans as frequently as anyone else- but all of them have balconies, actual tables and kitchens with dishwashers ect and enough space for everyone. Can she not read a room and understand why I wouldn’t want a ton of people in my tiny apartment or am I the dramatic one?

Did you tell her that? Some people aren't good at "reading the room." Just say what you mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By host she means pay. It costs a lot of money to have people over. Host in a bar and pick up the tab.

Why bar? Why pay for overpriced toxic drinks? Why not casual hole in the wall type restaurants.

You are splitting hairs. Literally anywhere. Doesn't have to be a bar. I happen to like over priced cocktails, but if someone else was paying, I'd drink rail.

Yes. OP needs arrange some sort of get together she pays for... It can be anything. That's just basic grown up manners.

Sure, all of us have friends we're happy to invite to our parties even though they never invite us. That is not the OP's situation. If it was, there wouldn't be a question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone saying OP should "host" e.g. pay for meals for all her friends who have husbands etc? There is clear wealth disparity between her and her married friends who are married to bankers. I would never expect a friend who lives in a crappy studio cover my and my husband's restaurant check under any conditions

The way to show hospitality to your friends for cheap is to cook something inexpensive. OP has ruled that out. Her friends are apparently regularly feeding her. She should reciprocate in some manner. Also, she did not say money was the issue here.

It does sound to me that she reciprocates within her means - bearings wine and gifts to their events. I wouldn’t expect much from someone much poorer than myself

She said nothing about money being the issue for her. And do you think people who aren't rich don't host or cook? Tons of people host in their 20s from studio apartments. And there's not a chair shortage out there in the world, you can get some more chairs if that's the issue. Put a curtain up if you don't want people to see your bed. If you want to reciprocate your friends hosting and cooking for you, you will find a way of doing that.

How useless. No I wouldn't host in such a small space. How miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone saying OP should "host" e.g. pay for meals for all her friends who have husbands etc? There is clear wealth disparity between her and her married friends who are married to bankers. I would never expect a friend who lives in a crappy studio cover my and my husband's restaurant check under any conditions

The way to show hospitality to your friends for cheap is to cook something inexpensive. OP has ruled that out. Her friends are apparently regularly feeding her. She should reciprocate in some manner. Also, she did not say money was the issue here.

It does sound to me that she reciprocates within her means - bearings wine and gifts to their events. I wouldn’t expect much from someone much poorer than myself

Did she say she was much poorer than the others?

She did say these friends all had big houses, investment banking husbands, and she's a journalist in a studio. Unless she confirms that she's a big trust fund beneficiary who just randomly prefers to live int he studio, it's safe to assume that she's universes apart from these friends by wealth

[Anonymous]

They are ruining you life. Dump them. You are better off alone in your studio.

[Anonymous]

OP, in my 20s I was clueless like you about hosting in turn. I’m now in my 50s and still feel embarrassed and ashamed at not knowing better and doing better.

Bringing pizza to someone else’s house isn’t in any way reciprocating at the same level. You need to either figure out how to host them at home or treat them to dinner at a restaurant. Otherwise, you’re being a mooch. And the fact that your friend is openly making pointed comments to you indicates that you need to either change what you’re doing or shift friend groups. It sucks if you’re broke and they aren’t, but otherwise you’re like a Tom Ripley to their Dickie Greenleaf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone saying OP should "host" e.g. pay for meals for all her friends who have husbands etc? There is clear wealth disparity between her and her married friends who are married to bankers. I would never expect a friend who lives in a crappy studio cover my and my husband's restaurant check under any conditions

The way to show hospitality to your friends for cheap is to cook something inexpensive. OP has ruled that out. Her friends are apparently regularly feeding her. She should reciprocate in some manner. Also, she did not say money was the issue here.

It does sound to me that she reciprocates within her means - bearings wine and gifts to their events. I wouldn’t expect much from someone much poorer than myself

She said nothing about money being the issue for her. And do you think people who aren't rich don't host or cook? Tons of people host in their 20s from studio apartments. And there's not a chair shortage out there in the world, you can get some more chairs if that's the issue. Put a curtain up if you don't want people to see your bed. If you want to reciprocate your friends hosting and cooking for you, you will find a way of doing that.

How useless. No I wouldn't host in such a small space. How miserable.

It's totally normal when you're young and people have small apartments, and it's not miserable unless you hate your friends.