Friend giving me a hard time about not hosting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’re in our late 20s and I’m the only one in our DC friend group that doesn’t live with a partner & lives in a 400 square foot studio downtown. I also work a pretty demanding media job where I don’t have evenings open so I rarely cook for myself or anyone else. I also don’t have seating for more than 3 people, have a huge office set up in my apartment and super limited space, so when I initiate plans for everyone I usually make restaurant reservations.
Also I’m frankly busy & have limited time to date because of my job so I love going out to restaurants and actually want to enjoy my free time

One of my married friends keeps bringing up that I never host which is bizarre because I do initiate plans as frequently as anyone else- but all of them have balconies, actual tables and kitchens with dishwashers ect and enough space for everyone. Can she not read a room and understand why I wouldn’t want a ton of people in my tiny apartment or am I the dramatic one?

Does your apartment have any sort of common area/party room you can reserve or rent?

[Anonymous]

Op here and I cannot imagine asking anyone to host something, ever - is that just me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you happily accept their offers to dinner and whatnot, but can't be bothered to contribute because your job is SO! IMPORTANT! and BUSY! But you reciprocate often by clicking away at your phone for 10 secs to secure reservations.

Gotcha

There we are then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s usually what I do already. Last time we got together I picked up and paid for pizza for everyone and we went to their place. She made a side comment “you couldn’t be bothered to cook something?”

That's rude - not everybody cooks and that's fine. Food is not automatically better because it's homemade.

I suggest you tell her that you don't cook but are happy to pay for prepared food at a friend's home, a restaurant, a park, etc. -- and then actually do this. Host dessert at a bar or pastries at a park. If she doesn't like it she doesn't have to attend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here and I cannot imagine asking anyone to host something, ever - is that just me?

+1
However, I have a sibling who lives in 5+ acres w massive square footage and never hosts.

This sibling loves cramming in others smaller homes w her 16267373 kids.

We would NEVER ask this sibling to host either.

Folks are strange.

[Anonymous]

Also should note money is no object for anyone else in this group. Each individual makes over 150k a year

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here yes I do always contribute financially, help clean, and I always bring something - but it’s usually something premade or ice cream, casserole from 1310. I do work in journalism and have weird hours!

And I definitely don’t like people’s husbands in my private space, that’s a big part of it

Sounds like you could definitely show more effort in your contributions. I don't host because I'm a terrible cook but I overcompensate with very nice, substantial contributions to the meal that I pick up from a nice bakery, or a large charcuterie plate, fancy salad etc... plus a good bottle of wine. Hosting is expensive and it does sound like it's been uneven from a financial not just a hard work perspective.

[Anonymous]

The suggestions here are good but it sounds like these people will and have complained about pretty much everything suggested so far: her place when she hosts, her not hosting at her place, her paying for pizza rather than cooking, etc. I suggest she stop trying to please them at all. It doesn't appear anything will unless she buys a large house and entertains often, and they'd probably say something then too.

[Anonymous]

Just say you already feel bad about it, any embarrassing comments aren’t going to make you a chef, enlarge your place, lessen your work load or increase your budget to buy furniture and equipment. You need her support, not her unproductive criticism. If it’s such a burden for her, she too can stop hosting and y’all can meet outside or outdoors and share costs.

[Anonymous]

How many in the friends group?

I’m older but I don’t invite husbands.

1. They dint want to be there.
2. I don’t want to invite people who come begrudgingly.

You can host 6 women.

[Anonymous]

The responses here are sort of astounding.

Her friends behavior is a classic boundary violation. It amazes me that so many people are missing this. The OP has a boundary that she doesn’t like to host dinners in her apartment. It is her life. She gets to decide that.

The friend can decide whether she wants to have a reciprocal boundary — not hanging out with her anymore because of it. It is her life. She gets to decide that.

But it is absolutely a boundary violation for the friend to force the OP to do things that the OP doesn’t want to do. The OP also doesn’t need a good reason either — it can simply be her preference.

My wife and I never host people at our house for dinners. It is not our thing at all. We even have a big house — not a small apartment There is nothing wrong with that.

[Anonymous]

I'm also single and live in a studio apartment. There's no way I could host anyone for dinner. It sounds like your friend is tired of doing the work and expense of hosting. I would respond by saying she doesn't always have to host and you can to a restaurant instead. Or offer to split the cost with her next time she hosts and make sure you help with cleaning up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here yes I do always contribute financially, help clean, and I always bring something - but it’s usually something premade or ice cream, casserole from 1310. I do work in journalism and have weird hours!

And I definitely don’t like people’s husbands in my private space, that’s a big part of it

I completely understand this. When you're in a studio you're basically inviting people to hang out in your bedroom. I have a room divider that partially separates my bed from the rest of the living space, but there's no hiding that my bedroom and living area share the same space. It makes it very awkward to entertain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here and I cannot imagine asking anyone to host something, ever - is that just me?

You are being dramatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s usually what I do already. Last time we got together I picked up and paid for pizza for everyone and we went to their place. She made a side comment “you couldn’t be bothered to cook something?”

Does she think you're going to cook an entire meal and schlep it over to someone else's house? This woman sounds annoying. You literally do not have room to host a damn dinner party. It's not like you're a free loader who never contributes to the get togethers.