Friend giving me a hard time about not hosting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The responses here are sort of astounding.

Her friends behavior is a classic boundary violation. It amazes me that so many people are missing this. The OP has a boundary that she doesn’t like to host dinners in her apartment. It is her life. She gets to decide that.

The friend can decide whether she wants to have a reciprocal boundary — not hanging out with her anymore because of it. It is her life. She gets to decide that.

But it is absolutely a boundary violation for the friend to force the OP to do things that the OP doesn’t want to do. The OP also doesn’t need a good reason either — it can simply be her preference.

My wife and I never host people at our house for dinners. It is not our thing at all. We even have a big house — not a small apartment There is nothing wrong with that.

100% on target. Make your boundary crystal clear and then drop the rope.

[Anonymous]

When you make reservations for your group, do you pick up the check? Or are you equating spending 5 mins on Open Table to shopping, cleaning and cooking for a group?

There are many ways to host without having a dinner party for 8 in your tiny apartment, especially at this time of year. Get creative!

[Anonymous]

By host she means pay. It costs a lot of money to have people over. Host in a bar and pick up the tab.

[Anonymous]

Hosting is money, but it's also time. You're cleaning for people and cleaning up after them, grocery shopping, cooking. Showing up with ice cream or a pizza or making reservations is much lower-effort. I do think she's being rude, but you aren't contributing equally to this.

And that you're busy--I'm not saying you're not as busy as you think, but your reasons for being busy are not going to read as "of course she needs a break and it's reasonable for things to not be equal right now." You could easily be this busy or more busy for the next decade+.

[Anonymous]

Why is everyone saying OP should "host" e.g. pay for meals for all her friends who have husbands etc? There is clear wealth disparity between her and her married friends who are married to bankers. I would never expect a friend who lives in a crappy studio cover my and my husband's restaurant check under any conditions

[Anonymous]

Your friend should understand how problematic it would be for you to host a dinner w/such a small apartment.
I wouldn’t expect someone living in a studio apartment to host a large group > does she know that you live in a studio apartment??

[Anonymous]

I would never expect a friend with a studio to host me.

I think you want to hang onto this friendship but you are drifting in different directions and she isn't a great friend anymore. She is married and has a bigger home and you have different priorities. Find more people who are at your stage of life or who don't expect so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By host she means pay. It costs a lot of money to have people over. Host in a bar and pick up the tab.

Why bar? Why pay for overpriced toxic drinks? Why not casual hole in the wall type restaurants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s usually what I do already. Last time we got together I picked up and paid for pizza for everyone and we went to their place. She made a side comment “you couldn’t be bothered to cook something?”

Ok she’s rude and a B. Why do you hang out with her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone saying OP should "host" e.g. pay for meals for all her friends who have husbands etc? There is clear wealth disparity between her and her married friends who are married to bankers. I would never expect a friend who lives in a crappy studio cover my and my husband's restaurant check under any conditions

The way to show hospitality to your friends for cheap is to cook something inexpensive. OP has ruled that out. Her friends are apparently regularly feeding her. She should reciprocate in some manner. Also, she did not say money was the issue here.

[Anonymous]

Have an affair with the men so they tell their wives to stop btching

[Anonymous]

OP doesn't appear to be the sharpest knife in the drawer and her friends aren't very nice people. You don't have to hang on to high school and college friends forever.

Joinna MeetUp group or a social club or a church

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just say you already feel bad about it, any embarrassing comments aren’t going to make you a chef, enlarge your place, lessen your work load or increase your budget to buy furniture and equipment. You need her support, not her unproductive criticism. If it’s such a burden for her, she too can stop hosting and y’all can meet outside or outdoors and share costs.

Lean into it. Confess that your are up to your eyeballs in debt, and you need to work unpaid overtime because you keep screwing up at work, and you're feeling suicidal, and could she lend you $50K that her husband wouldn't even notice?

[Anonymous]

I think OP is discovering the const of socio-economic status.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP doesn't appear to be the sharpest knife in the drawer and her friends aren't very nice people. You don't have to hang on to high school and college friends forever.

Joinna MeetUp group or a social club or a church

She has a super demanding job and wants to enjoy her free time. She's not joining a church.