Out of town in laws attendance at birthdays

[Anonymous]

Pp here. But this is on your dh. If he can’t arrange things with his own parents, it’s their own fault for being left out. It’s not the DILs relationship to manage. They should have raised a son who invited them to things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it. My parents are local and my in-laws aren’t. When we invite my parents for something it’s a 2 hour invite and maybe we eat ice cream or have dinner after. If we invite my in-laws, it’s a massive ordeal with me cleaning the guest room and changing sheets, planning multiple meals at home, cleaning the house, cancelling other plans since they’ll be here. My parents also get pushed aside in favor of my in-laws which I then have to hear about from my parents (my parents help nonstop, help coach sports games and pick the kids up from events often. They then get upset about not having access to major things like birthdays. They come and then leave right afterwards while we do fun stuff with in-laws)

That being said, birthdays are in the “major” category along with graduation and recitals. Grandparents are an automatic invite. Out of town grandparents aren’t an automatic invite to minor stuff like weekly soccer games.

You're making shit up that isn't in OP's post. At all. You're irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp here. But this is on your dh. If he can’t arrange things with his own parents, it’s their own fault for being left out. It’s not the DILs relationship to manage. They should have raised a son who invited them to things.

BS. Does your husband send the birthday invites to his side and you send the same invite to your side? Does your kid send the invites to their friends? Or does 1 person coordinate all of it?

[Anonymous]

Not everything is about men versus women and what's a man's responsibility.

OP did not want her ILs there. That's why they weren't invited. Maybe her husband didn't want them either. But she didn't say that. She made perfectly clear that SHE took the decision not to invite them.

You can't pin this on the husband just because he's a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t understand why you wouldn’t just invite them and let them make a decision about whether to come or not. I understand why they’d be offended and surprised DH doesn’t care.

I agree. You are awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp here. But this is on your dh. If he can’t arrange things with his own parents, it’s their own fault for being left out. It’s not the DILs relationship to manage. They should have raised a son who invited them to things.

BS. Does your husband send the birthday invites to his side and you send the same invite to your side? Does your kid send the invites to their friends? Or does 1 person coordinate all of it?

I send the evite to all the school friends. I call neighborhood kids. For a different kid, I take the school friends and my husband takes the lacrosse friends. There’s no rule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp here. But this is on your dh. If he can’t arrange things with his own parents, it’s their own fault for being left out. It’s not the DILs relationship to manage. They should have raised a son who invited them to things.

BS. Does your husband send the birthday invites to his side and you send the same invite to your side? Does your kid send the invites to their friends? Or does 1 person coordinate all of it?

I send the evite to all the school friends. I call neighborhood kids. For a different kid, I take the school friends and my husband takes the lacrosse friends. There’s no rule.

In fact do you really think OPs family got an evite? They might have just gotten a text. Hubs can text.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You see them often enough that the drive is clearly not a big deal for them. I really don't get why you didn't invite them. It causes no extra work for you. You don't need to figure out if it works with your schedule. You don't need to figure out transportation. If they normally stay with you, you could have had DH book a hotel, which takes all of 5 minutes. This seems like a major oversight on your part and I'm really surprised you need so many people to point this out for you.

Why is it an oversight on her part and not the husband? Where is the husband in all of this? It is his family. Also, I bet if you book a hotel for them, then they’re going to be offended by that so you can’t win. Let your husband deal with his family as anything you do is going to be critiqued and judged. I would ignore her complaints if I was you. Who has time for that?

I can guarantee OP was the hostess who planned the party and issued the invites. In that case it would be on her to extend an invite to the ILs as well. It's always nice to just be invited, even if it doesn't even make sense for the to come. Issue the invite, they say no, and everyone's happy.

This isn’t preventing the husband from extending an invite

A wife saying do not invite your parents is absolutely preventing husband from extending an invitation.

Actually, no. A spouse does not get unimpeachable decision-making authority involving the other spouse inviting parents to a family event.

The wife can express her opinion on the matter, but that’s the end of it. If he invites his parents, that is that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not everything is about men versus women and what's a man's responsibility.

OP did not want her ILs there. That's why they weren't invited. Maybe her husband didn't want them either. But she didn't say that. She made perfectly clear that SHE took the decision not to invite them.

You can't pin this on the husband just because he's a man.

Exactly. OP made the executive decision and gave her reasoning: dd didn't specifically ask for them, they live 4 hours away, they will see them next weekend. So, no invite was extended and then the payback came when they found out and were pissed. Maybe they would have come anyway, that should have been their decision. It would have cost nothing to invite them then you come out smelling like a rose b/c you tried to be inclusive and gracious.

It's a universal truth that's it always better to be invited than not even if you can't or won't be able to make it. Grown women get upset about these things when they get left out of the neighborhood get togethers, luncheons, birthday dinners, etc. This isn't an alien concept.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp here. But this is on your dh. If he can’t arrange things with his own parents, it’s their own fault for being left out. It’s not the DILs relationship to manage. They should have raised a son who invited them to things.

BS. Does your husband send the birthday invites to his side and you send the same invite to your side? Does your kid send the invites to their friends? Or does 1 person coordinate all of it?

I send the evite to all the school friends. I call neighborhood kids. For a different kid, I take the school friends and my husband takes the lacrosse friends. There’s no rule.

In fact do you really think OPs family got an evite? They might have just gotten a text. Hubs can text.

You call the neighborhood kids? No you don't. Nobody does that. You send the evite so people can add it to their calendar.

[Anonymous]

Since they’re 4 hours away do they expect to spend the night at your house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not everything is about men versus women and what's a man's responsibility.

OP did not want her ILs there. That's why they weren't invited. Maybe her husband didn't want them either. But she didn't say that. She made perfectly clear that SHE took the decision not to invite them.

You can't pin this on the husband just because he's a man.

Exactly. OP made the executive decision and gave her reasoning: dd didn't specifically ask for them, they live 4 hours away, they will see them next weekend. So, no invite was extended and then the payback came when they found out and were pissed. Maybe they would have come anyway, that should have been their decision. It would have cost nothing to invite them then you come out smelling like a rose b/c you tried to be inclusive and gracious.

It's a universal truth that's it always better to be invited than not even if you can't or won't be able to make it. Grown women get upset about these things when they get left out of the neighborhood get togethers, luncheons, birthday dinners, etc. This isn't an alien concept.

It’s always the same grown women who get upset: the difficult ones that guilt people and make everything about them. Do people really want to be somewhere they’re not wanted but everyone’s grinning and bearing it? I don’t. If I’m not wanted, I’m not going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not everything is about men versus women and what's a man's responsibility.

OP did not want her ILs there. That's why they weren't invited. Maybe her husband didn't want them either. But she didn't say that. She made perfectly clear that SHE took the decision not to invite them.

You can't pin this on the husband just because he's a man.

Exactly. OP made the executive decision and gave her reasoning: dd didn't specifically ask for them, they live 4 hours away, they will see them next weekend. So, no invite was extended and then the payback came when they found out and were pissed. Maybe they would have come anyway, that should have been their decision. It would have cost nothing to invite them then you come out smelling like a rose b/c you tried to be inclusive and gracious.

It's a universal truth that's it always better to be invited than not even if you can't or won't be able to make it. Grown women get upset about these things when they get left out of the neighborhood get togethers, luncheons, birthday dinners, etc. This isn't an alien concept.

It’s always the same grown women who get upset: the difficult ones that guilt people and make everything about them. Do people really want to be somewhere they’re not wanted but everyone’s grinning and bearing it? I don’t. If I’m not wanted, I’m not going.

OP didn't say they weren't wanted she played mind reader and decided they wouldn't make the drive so didn't deserve an invite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it. My parents are local and my in-laws aren’t. When we invite my parents for something it’s a 2 hour invite and maybe we eat ice cream or have dinner after. If we invite my in-laws, it’s a massive ordeal with me cleaning the guest room and changing sheets, planning multiple meals at home, cleaning the house, cancelling other plans since they’ll be here. My parents also get pushed aside in favor of my in-laws which I then have to hear about from my parents (my parents help nonstop, help coach sports games and pick the kids up from events often. They then get upset about not having access to major things like birthdays. They come and then leave right afterwards while we do fun stuff with in-laws)

That being said, birthdays are in the “major” category along with graduation and recitals. Grandparents are an automatic invite. Out of town grandparents aren’t an automatic invite to minor stuff like weekly soccer games.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t understand why you wouldn’t just invite them and let them make a decision about whether to come or not. I understand why they’d be offended and surprised DH doesn’t care.

+1. This was mean