Reply to Has anyone ever had successful marriage counseling?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]No abuse. No cheating that I know of. Just one person who is fine with the status quo (him) and one person who is not (me.) Late 40’s, marriage 20+ years, two teens.

Is there any point to marriage counseling? Or are my choices just accept it (I’ve tried!!) or leave?[/quote]

What specifically are you unhappy about? What would you hope to change?
Its hard to answer your question without understanding whether or not you have valid reasons.[/quote]

I want to make plans and do things. I want him to want to make some (not all) of those plans. I want him to want to do anything other than just work and sit at home doing nothing. He is in charge of cutting the grass and paying the bills that come due. He couldn’t tell you what days our kids have practice or games or where. He will call me on his way home from work and say “does anyone need to be picked up?” And “what were we thinking for dinner?” and to him this makes him an Involved Father. Never reads school emails, team emails, group chats. Never fills out forms or signs anyone up for anything. Never plans a vacation or a basic meal or an activity. His idea of a plan is “what should we watch on Netflix?” About once a week he will feign interest in me which is my cue that he wants to have s*x. And then he’ll be checked out again until the next time. It’s boring and lonely. When the structure of kids school and activities fall away (only a few years away) I’m so sad to think what our life will be like. He’s not concerned in the least.

And the most upsetting part is that I’ve told him all these things so many times and he just acts like I’m being ridiculous. [/quote]

This is SO easy to solve. Make your own plans, invite him.  "Husband, I want to go to London the first week in October. Would you like to come with me? I've ask and if you want to come, my parents can take care of the kids. If you prefer to stay home with the kids Susie Q said she'd go with me." Then DO IT. Either you start going on trips with friends and have a great time without your husband, or eventually he'll join in. This goes for anything. You can  include the kids. This can go for classes, exercise, whatever. Offer the option to join you, then DO IT ANYWAY without him. He will eventually join in. Or not, and in that case you always have somebody to care for the dog.[/quote]

I tried that. Invited to a hike to a national park... during which he took off as he wanted to go to a restricted area (guarded off) and I refused. I ended up hiking alone. In a bear country. Of course it was not completely unexpected, as he had left me with little kids on trails on numerous occasions earlier in our marriage, when a 3-4-5 yo couldn't keep up with his pace. Just like OP husband, he hasn't planned a single meal, holiday, vacation, sports event, even his own family visits or anything one can think of. It's as if he's just waiting on the sidelines for life to happen.

I completely get you, OP. I don't think counseling will help as in the end, he doesn't want to change. He's happy he doesn't have to do anything and doesn't even have to think of anything. He's happy in his "marriage" with a wonderful wife and wonderful kids, who managed to grow up all by themselves in his opinion. This one poster here who thinks that in addition to our mental load, we should be WRITING LISTS of the mental load gives you an idea of how these men think. [/quote]

You planned a hike with children in bear country knowing your husband would likely leave you behind, because he did before?

You both sound unfit for children and marriage. [/quote]

These 2 are separate: leaving me alone and leaving me with kids alone on separate occasions. These were not the same trails. I obviously didn't plan on him leaving me/kids behind. That trip was the last one I took with him. Yes, I've raised the kids on my own (they're now young adults) as he turned out to be unreliable. Meaning, it's not SO EASY to invite a man along and hope that this will make him get involved or perhaps reciprocate.  [/quote]

The first time he abandoned you on the bear trail was on him; the second time he abandoned you on the bear trail was on you. [/quote]

Try to keep track. The bear trail was once, when I was with him alone. That happened when kids were already launched. When kids were little, we didn't go on bear trails. That hike on bear trail was the last one I ever went with him. [/quote]

I stand corrected: you were left alone on the bear trail once, hiking with the guy who has a well-established history of leaving you alone on hikes. Every other occasion you brought the children to be left alone on hiking trails, you did not encounter any bears. 
 [/quote]

Not sure what your point is here. You've never been to a national park and it has shocked you that other people go? You do realize that people do way more dangerous activities than hiking in a national park? Often with kids? Hiking is a lot of fun if you do it with reliable companions, just like many other activities in life. Bear trail or not, that was not the point, nor a reason to get your panties all in a bunch. I have gone on solo hikes, hiked with my kids, hiked with different companions. Not all trails are within a bear habitat and you know beforehand where a bear habitat is. My kids, when older, have been on bear trails and it's not a problem at all. All national parks have wild animals. The whole point of going on a hike in a national park is to encounter different wild animals. However, when I go to bear country, I go with a companion. There are plenty of people who go to a bear country alone. I carry a bear spray. I've seen many bears. The scariest encounter I've actually ever had was with a cougar on a trail not far from our house where I often went by myself, not in a national park.

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