What do cheaters tell themselves?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many affairs and didn’t tell myself anything. They just happened and most were coworkers.

You need an exorcist if it just happens without your active engagement, but otherwise you lack the commitment, boundaries and character to be worthy of a monogamous relationship. You have to tell yourself that you can’t control yourself or you don’t care about your job or partner. Maybe everyone else is doing it? Someone as selfish as you know you are entitled to it or something…

I couldn’t stop it, it was a high. Yes, terrible. Yes, selfish and self centered. Eventually, I came to my senses, walked away from my career and got my head on straight. Haven’t thought about stepping outside the marriage since.

Happy to hear that, did you tell your spouse?

No, did you?

I have never cheated, so it would be a boring conversation for my spouse. You should tell them. How is it possible for them to actually love you, when you are just acting out a character in a story?

You have no idea whether that spouse would want to know. You don't get to decide that for other people, even if you do think of yourself as the moral compass for the entire universe.

I am only my own moral compass, not the world’s or the universe’s. My point was that your spouse doesn’t even know who you are, they love the idea of being married to a character that you present to the world.

Ok? Thanks for your TED talk.

I wish you didn’t need one, but alas you have mo moral compass just an insatiable need to be less than anyone you meet.

Actually I'm not a cheater but thanks for playing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many affairs and didn’t tell myself anything. They just happened and most were coworkers.

You need an exorcist if it just happens without your active engagement, but otherwise you lack the commitment, boundaries and character to be worthy of a monogamous relationship. You have to tell yourself that you can’t control yourself or you don’t care about your job or partner. Maybe everyone else is doing it? Someone as selfish as you know you are entitled to it or something…

I couldn’t stop it, it was a high. Yes, terrible. Yes, selfish and self centered. Eventually, I came to my senses, walked away from my career and got my head on straight. Haven’t thought about stepping outside the marriage since.

Happy to hear that, did you tell your spouse?

No, did you?

I have never cheated, so it would be a boring conversation for my spouse. You should tell them. How is it possible for them to actually love you, when you are just acting out a character in a story?

You have no idea whether that spouse would want to know. You don't get to decide that for other people, even if you do think of yourself as the moral compass for the entire universe.

I am only my own moral compass, not the world’s or the universe’s. My point was that your spouse doesn’t even know who you are, they love the idea of being married to a character that you present to the world.

Ok? Thanks for your TED talk.

I wish you didn’t need one, but alas you have mo moral compass just an insatiable need to be less than anyone you meet.

Actually I'm not a cheater but thanks for playing.

I am confused, what opinion are you bringing to the table in this conversation?

[Anonymous]

I'm an adult and do adult things that are outside the view of my children all the time. What do I tell myself? That I'm finally enjoying a sex life I was missing for years with someone else who is in the same situation. I'm not going to divorce over sex although I won't rule it out in the long run. If there was any chance in hell to save this part of my marriage, I wouldn't be having an affair but I have exhausted all avenues. She has made the choice for herself that she is done with sex and it doesn't matter to her how that effects me or our marriage. Since starting the affair, I've lost the deep seated anger and bitterness I've had towards her and I'm much more at peace around her and the family. I'd much prefer having a sex life with her than any AP I could find but it's not to be. We all make hard choices in life. This is not ideal but it works for now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People can rationalize anything. Some will tell themselves that they can't help it, that it's how they are programmed or they are just not strong enough. Others will normalize it, they'll convince themselves that everyone wants to cheat, and that more people do it than let on. Still others will blame their spouse for not meeting their needs. Some awful people probably even blame their kids, for stressing them out or for "stealing" their spouse away.

It doesn't matter what people tell themselves, what they think, or how they justify their behavior.

What matters is what people do.

Why do they HAVE to help it? Because society says they do?

Maybe they are programmed this way and aren't strong enough. Everyone's brains are wired differently. Hence, addictions.

There's not a married guy on this earth who hasn't thought about/envisioned themselves with another woman. Maybe it's the neighbor, maybe it's Margot Robbie. Either way the same thing that has society believing infidelity is cheating also considers lust "cheating".

Maybe their spouse isn't meeting their needs. Lucky people find this out before they're married, the unlucky people learn it later on.

Society is so funny. Not everyone is the same, therefore everyone's norms aren't the same.

Cheater's justify why they did it and the victim of the cheating justifies that it's wrong. At the end of the day, it's all fabricated by society.

Devil's advocate for open relationships and justifiable cheating. We all only get one shot at this whole life thing. People have urges and act upon them. They're right to believe they did nothing wrong is just as legitimate as you're right to believe they did.

Again, different morals, different beliefs, different norms doesn't make one person right and someone else wrong.

Unfortunately cheaters are not open about their morals, beliefs or actions and they committed to monogamy when they got married. It’s not deceptive or cheating if they have agreed to an open marriage and stay within the agreed upon boundaries. It isn’t betrayal if it has been set as the foundation of the relationship.

Yes, I committed to having sex with just one person for the rest of my life. Then she broke the commitment by deciding our sex life was over. That's cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^True. Frigid wives aren't open about theirs, either.

That doesn't make sense. Especially in this day and age where people generally have sex before marriage, a man is going to know whether a woman is "frigid" before marriage. Is she into sex? Does she like doing it frequently? He will know. It's not the 1800s where you might not find out your partner's approach towards sex unit the wedding night. If for whatever reason you decided not to vet your spouse's sexual preferences before marriages and they refused to have sex with you after, then you could get the marriage annulled.

Now, sometimes attitudes towards sex change. Many women lose interest in sex as they age, hit menopause, or due to the stress of kids. If it changes, the people in the marriage have to reassess. And they can and should do so openly. If her new attitude towards sex is absolutely unacceptable to him, they can discuss an open marriage or divorce. There's no secrets there -- if sex dries up, they both know it, they can address it openly between them.

Whereas a cheater has taken a vow of monogamy, has not expressed to their partner that their opinion on that vow has changed, and keeps their change a secret. It's a totally different issue. A spouse who is cheated on is not being given an option to decide if the new terms of their marriage are acceptable. They aren't being given the option to choose an open relationship or divorce.

Bullshit. Do you really think a spouse hasn't discussed this topic at great length, sometimes for years before making the leap to cheating? Not given the option to decide? WTF are you talking about? My wife always had the option to decide and she decided our sex life was over, take it or leave it. She could decide tomorrow to change her mind and I'd stop seeing other women in a minute, but that's not happening bar some miracle. Or maybe she will get struck by lightening and it will re-wire her brain.

Any spouse, man or woman who makes the decision to stop having sex knows damn well it's a problem. They are adults and should never be surprised at the consequences of that unilateral decision. If they just "aren't feeling it" then they still know that's a problem that will only get worse. They can ignore the problem or discuss it like an adult and look for solutions. If not, they have already decided and it's their spouse who, " has not being given an option to decide if the new terms of their marriage are acceptable." I decided the new terms were not acceptable and took action.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an adult and do adult things that are outside the view of my children all the time. What do I tell myself? That I'm finally enjoying a sex life I was missing for years with someone else who is in the same situation. I'm not going to divorce over sex although I won't rule it out in the long run. If there was any chance in hell to save this part of my marriage, I wouldn't be having an affair but I have exhausted all avenues. She has made the choice for herself that she is done with sex and it doesn't matter to her how that effects me or our marriage. Since starting the affair, I've lost the deep seated anger and bitterness I've had towards her and I'm much more at peace around her and the family. I'd much prefer having a sex life with her than any AP I could find but it's not to be. We all make hard choices in life. This is not ideal but it works for now.

I wonder what in your brokenness gives you self control with your emotions now that you are literally destroying your wife’s life. Just be a man and ask for an open marriage, stop behaving like a middle schooler. You put so much thought and planning into avoiding the real issues, try putting a little effort into accountability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^True. Frigid wives aren't open about theirs, either.

That doesn't make sense. Especially in this day and age where people generally have sex before marriage, a man is going to know whether a woman is "frigid" before marriage. Is she into sex? Does she like doing it frequently? He will know. It's not the 1800s where you might not find out your partner's approach towards sex unit the wedding night. If for whatever reason you decided not to vet your spouse's sexual preferences before marriages and they refused to have sex with you after, then you could get the marriage annulled.

Now, sometimes attitudes towards sex change. Many women lose interest in sex as they age, hit menopause, or due to the stress of kids. If it changes, the people in the marriage have to reassess. And they can and should do so openly. If her new attitude towards sex is absolutely unacceptable to him, they can discuss an open marriage or divorce. There's no secrets there -- if sex dries up, they both know it, they can address it openly between them.

Whereas a cheater has taken a vow of monogamy, has not expressed to their partner that their opinion on that vow has changed, and keeps their change a secret. It's a totally different issue. A spouse who is cheated on is not being given an option to decide if the new terms of their marriage are acceptable. They aren't being given the option to choose an open relationship or divorce.

Bullshit. Do you really think a spouse hasn't discussed this topic at great length, sometimes for years before making the leap to cheating? Not given the option to decide? WTF are you talking about? My wife always had the option to decide and she decided our sex life was over, take it or leave it. She could decide tomorrow to change her mind and I'd stop seeing other women in a minute, but that's not happening bar some miracle. Or maybe she will get struck by lightening and it will re-wire her brain.

Any spouse, man or woman who makes the decision to stop having sex knows damn well it's a problem. They are adults and should never be surprised at the consequences of that unilateral decision. If they just "aren't feeling it" then they still know that's a problem that will only get worse. They can ignore the problem or discuss it like an adult and look for solutions. If not, they have already decided and it's their spouse who, " has not being given an option to decide if the new terms of their marriage are acceptable." I decided the new terms were not acceptable and took action.

You might have whined and vocalized unhappiness, but you never communicated the solution. Keep justifying you temper tantrum until she knows you and doesn’t hate you, but is disgusted at who you are instead of what you don’t do for her. You suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an adult and do adult things that are outside the view of my children all the time. What do I tell myself? That I'm finally enjoying a sex life I was missing for years with someone else who is in the same situation. I'm not going to divorce over sex although I won't rule it out in the long run. If there was any chance in hell to save this part of my marriage, I wouldn't be having an affair but I have exhausted all avenues. She has made the choice for herself that she is done with sex and it doesn't matter to her how that effects me or our marriage. Since starting the affair, I've lost the deep seated anger and bitterness I've had towards her and I'm much more at peace around her and the family. I'd much prefer having a sex life with her than any AP I could find but it's not to be. We all make hard choices in life. This is not ideal but it works for now.

I wonder what in your brokenness gives you self control with your emotions now that you are literally destroying your wife’s life. Just be a man and ask for an open marriage, stop behaving like a middle schooler. You put so much thought and planning into avoiding the real issues, try putting a little effort into accountability.

+100. Be an adult and tell your wife that you are not happy going without sex and that you want to re-negotiate the sexual aspect of the marriage. How does she see you moving forward? Is there a way to stay together while you sleep with other people? Is she allowed to sleep with other people? What kind of relationships can you each feel comfortable with - one night stands? medium or long term affair partners? people inside or outside your current circle? is there some kind of post-nuptial written agreement that can be negotiated that would give each person the security they need in terms of potential divorce terms?

The problem with the cheaters is that they really don't want to negotiate. They want to dictate terms, and they do so by keeping their behavior secret and doing what they please, hoping that if they can keep their betrayed spouse from knowing, then the betrayed spouse won't ask for their own sexual needs and other needs to be met. It's always amazing to me how cheaters with wives who won't sleep with them think that their wife doesn't like sex any more. No, she doesn't like sex with YOU any more, and part of the reason you cheat is so that you can control her sexuality, and she doesn't sleep with other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an adult and do adult things that are outside the view of my children all the time. What do I tell myself? That I'm finally enjoying a sex life I was missing for years with someone else who is in the same situation. I'm not going to divorce over sex although I won't rule it out in the long run. If there was any chance in hell to save this part of my marriage, I wouldn't be having an affair but I have exhausted all avenues. She has made the choice for herself that she is done with sex and it doesn't matter to her how that effects me or our marriage. Since starting the affair, I've lost the deep seated anger and bitterness I've had towards her and I'm much more at peace around her and the family. I'd much prefer having a sex life with her than any AP I could find but it's not to be. We all make hard choices in life. This is not ideal but it works for now.

I wonder what in your brokenness gives you self control with your emotions now that you are literally destroying your wife’s life. Just be a man and ask for an open marriage, stop behaving like a middle schooler. You put so much thought and planning into avoiding the real issues, try putting a little effort into accountability.

+100. Be an adult and tell your wife that you are not happy going without sex and that you want to re-negotiate the sexual aspect of the marriage. How does she see you moving forward? Is there a way to stay together while you sleep with other people? Is she allowed to sleep with other people? What kind of relationships can you each feel comfortable with - one night stands? medium or long term affair partners? people inside or outside your current circle? is there some kind of post-nuptial written agreement that can be negotiated that would give each person the security they need in terms of potential divorce terms?

The problem with the cheaters is that they really don't want to negotiate. They want to dictate terms, and they do so by keeping their behavior secret and doing what they please, hoping that if they can keep their betrayed spouse from knowing, then the betrayed spouse won't ask for their own sexual needs and other needs to be met. It's always amazing to me how cheaters with wives who won't sleep with them think that their wife doesn't like sex any more. No, she doesn't like sex with YOU any more, and part of the reason you cheat is so that you can control her sexuality, and she doesn't sleep with other people.

"The problem with the cheaters is that they really don't want to negotiate. They want to dictate terms"
You have it backwards. The terms were dictated by her with no negotiation. Believe me, I tried.

"No, she doesn't like sex with YOU any more"
Then what's the difference? She doesn't want sex or just not with me is the same outcome for me. If that's true, she can go on pretending it's a sex problem when it's really a problem with me and she has made her own bed instead of talking it out or seeking solutions.

Asking for an open marriage is not my solution. I'm not controlling her or her sex life. She is in control and has been for years. This solution works for me. For now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^True. Frigid wives aren't open about theirs, either.

That doesn't make sense. Especially in this day and age where people generally have sex before marriage, a man is going to know whether a woman is "frigid" before marriage. Is she into sex? Does she like doing it frequently? He will know. It's not the 1800s where you might not find out your partner's approach towards sex unit the wedding night. If for whatever reason you decided not to vet your spouse's sexual preferences before marriages and they refused to have sex with you after, then you could get the marriage annulled.

Now, sometimes attitudes towards sex change. Many women lose interest in sex as they age, hit menopause, or due to the stress of kids. If it changes, the people in the marriage have to reassess. And they can and should do so openly. If her new attitude towards sex is absolutely unacceptable to him, they can discuss an open marriage or divorce. There's no secrets there -- if sex dries up, they both know it, they can address it openly between them.

Whereas a cheater has taken a vow of monogamy, has not expressed to their partner that their opinion on that vow has changed, and keeps their change a secret. It's a totally different issue. A spouse who is cheated on is not being given an option to decide if the new terms of their marriage are acceptable. They aren't being given the option to choose an open relationship or divorce.

Bullshit. Do you really think a spouse hasn't discussed this topic at great length, sometimes for years before making the leap to cheating? Not given the option to decide? WTF are you talking about? My wife always had the option to decide and she decided our sex life was over, take it or leave it. She could decide tomorrow to change her mind and I'd stop seeing other women in a minute, but that's not happening bar some miracle. Or maybe she will get struck by lightening and it will re-wire her brain.

Any spouse, man or woman who makes the decision to stop having sex knows damn well it's a problem. They are adults and should never be surprised at the consequences of that unilateral decision. If they just "aren't feeling it" then they still know that's a problem that will only get worse. They can ignore the problem or discuss it like an adult and look for solutions. If not, they have already decided and it's their spouse who, " has not being given an option to decide if the new terms of their marriage are acceptable." I decided the new terms were not acceptable and took action.

You might have whined and vocalized unhappiness, but you never communicated the solution. Keep justifying you temper tantrum until she knows you and doesn’t hate you, but is disgusted at who you are instead of what you don’t do for her. You suck.

Were you there? You have no idea what I've communicated. When your spouse stops bothering you about serious, unresolved marital issues, you're a fool to think they just let it go. I don't bother her about it at all anymore and life with her is much more peaceful for the both of us. I've exhausted myself trying to communicate with someone who refuses to recognize it as a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an adult and do adult things that are outside the view of my children all the time. What do I tell myself? That I'm finally enjoying a sex life I was missing for years with someone else who is in the same situation. I'm not going to divorce over sex although I won't rule it out in the long run. If there was any chance in hell to save this part of my marriage, I wouldn't be having an affair but I have exhausted all avenues. She has made the choice for herself that she is done with sex and it doesn't matter to her how that effects me or our marriage. Since starting the affair, I've lost the deep seated anger and bitterness I've had towards her and I'm much more at peace around her and the family. I'd much prefer having a sex life with her than any AP I could find but it's not to be. We all make hard choices in life. This is not ideal but it works for now.

I wonder what in your brokenness gives you self control with your emotions now that you are literally destroying your wife’s life. Just be a man and ask for an open marriage, stop behaving like a middle schooler. You put so much thought and planning into avoiding the real issues, try putting a little effort into accountability.

+100. Be an adult and tell your wife that you are not happy going without sex and that you want to re-negotiate the sexual aspect of the marriage. How does she see you moving forward? Is there a way to stay together while you sleep with other people? Is she allowed to sleep with other people? What kind of relationships can you each feel comfortable with - one night stands? medium or long term affair partners? people inside or outside your current circle? is there some kind of post-nuptial written agreement that can be negotiated that would give each person the security they need in terms of potential divorce terms?

The problem with the cheaters is that they really don't want to negotiate. They want to dictate terms, and they do so by keeping their behavior secret and doing what they please, hoping that if they can keep their betrayed spouse from knowing, then the betrayed spouse won't ask for their own sexual needs and other needs to be met. It's always amazing to me how cheaters with wives who won't sleep with them think that their wife doesn't like sex any more. No, she doesn't like sex with YOU any more, and part of the reason you cheat is so that you can control her sexuality, and she doesn't sleep with other people.

Nope, I'm not asking permission for an open marriage which she would never agree to. She didn't ask permission to end our sex life. This is what happens when you go that route and don't care. I care much more about our marriage than she does. Other than our sex life, we get along fine and even better now. I don't need permission to be happy. It's only sex and she places no importance on sex so I've removed that burden from her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an adult and do adult things that are outside the view of my children all the time. What do I tell myself? That I'm finally enjoying a sex life I was missing for years with someone else who is in the same situation. I'm not going to divorce over sex although I won't rule it out in the long run. If there was any chance in hell to save this part of my marriage, I wouldn't be having an affair but I have exhausted all avenues. She has made the choice for herself that she is done with sex and it doesn't matter to her how that effects me or our marriage. Since starting the affair, I've lost the deep seated anger and bitterness I've had towards her and I'm much more at peace around her and the family. I'd much prefer having a sex life with her than any AP I could find but it's not to be. We all make hard choices in life. This is not ideal but it works for now.

I wonder what in your brokenness gives you self control with your emotions now that you are literally destroying your wife’s life. Just be a man and ask for an open marriage, stop behaving like a middle schooler. You put so much thought and planning into avoiding the real issues, try putting a little effort into accountability.

+100. Be an adult and tell your wife that you are not happy going without sex and that you want to re-negotiate the sexual aspect of the marriage. How does she see you moving forward? Is there a way to stay together while you sleep with other people? Is she allowed to sleep with other people? What kind of relationships can you each feel comfortable with - one night stands? medium or long term affair partners? people inside or outside your current circle? is there some kind of post-nuptial written agreement that can be negotiated that would give each person the security they need in terms of potential divorce terms?

The problem with the cheaters is that they really don't want to negotiate. They want to dictate terms, and they do so by keeping their behavior secret and doing what they please, hoping that if they can keep their betrayed spouse from knowing, then the betrayed spouse won't ask for their own sexual needs and other needs to be met. It's always amazing to me how cheaters with wives who won't sleep with them think that their wife doesn't like sex any more. No, she doesn't like sex with YOU any more, and part of the reason you cheat is so that you can control her sexuality, and she doesn't sleep with other people.

Nope, I'm not asking permission for an open marriage which she would never agree to. She didn't ask permission to end our sex life. This is what happens when you go that route and don't care. I care much more about our marriage than she does. Other than our sex life, we get along fine and even better now. I don't need permission to be happy. It's only sex and she places no importance on sex so I've removed that burden from her.

Sounds reasonable to me, TBH. And if there’s truly no sex then you’re not putting her health at risk.

My question is what do you do when you need a basic, low level of emotional intimacy in order to want to have sex with your spouse but they refuse to do any real work towards that? If you are the one recommending therapy (both couples and solo), recommending books, trying to initiate conversations for YEARS and they just keep their head down and want to act like you haven’t been communicating how unhappy you are for years? What then? Just because they’ll f*** you still, you just have to deal? My body literally feels unsafe around my spouse. I cannot make myself do it. I have a high drive and it’s killing me but I need emotional and physical intimacy to find some semblance of happiness.

[Anonymous]

"S/he's the first person who ever really loved me". - my parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^True. Frigid wives aren't open about theirs, either.

That doesn't make sense. Especially in this day and age where people generally have sex before marriage, a man is going to know whether a woman is "frigid" before marriage. Is she into sex? Does she like doing it frequently? He will know. It's not the 1800s where you might not find out your partner's approach towards sex unit the wedding night. If for whatever reason you decided not to vet your spouse's sexual preferences before marriages and they refused to have sex with you after, then you could get the marriage annulled.

Now, sometimes attitudes towards sex change. Many women lose interest in sex as they age, hit menopause, or due to the stress of kids. If it changes, the people in the marriage have to reassess. And they can and should do so openly. If her new attitude towards sex is absolutely unacceptable to him, they can discuss an open marriage or divorce. There's no secrets there -- if sex dries up, they both know it, they can address it openly between them.

Whereas a cheater has taken a vow of monogamy, has not expressed to their partner that their opinion on that vow has changed, and keeps their change a secret. It's a totally different issue. A spouse who is cheated on is not being given an option to decide if the new terms of their marriage are acceptable. They aren't being given the option to choose an open relationship or divorce.

Bullshit. Do you really think a spouse hasn't discussed this topic at great length, sometimes for years before making the leap to cheating? Not given the option to decide? WTF are you talking about? My wife always had the option to decide and she decided our sex life was over, take it or leave it. She could decide tomorrow to change her mind and I'd stop seeing other women in a minute, but that's not happening bar some miracle. Or maybe she will get struck by lightening and it will re-wire her brain.

Any spouse, man or woman who makes the decision to stop having sex knows damn well it's a problem. They are adults and should never be surprised at the consequences of that unilateral decision. If they just "aren't feeling it" then they still know that's a problem that will only get worse. They can ignore the problem or discuss it like an adult and look for solutions. If not, they have already decided and it's their spouse who, " has not being given an option to decide if the new terms of their marriage are acceptable." I decided the new terms were not acceptable and took action.

You might have whined and vocalized unhappiness, but you never communicated the solution. Keep justifying you temper tantrum until she knows you and doesn’t hate you, but is disgusted at who you are instead of what you don’t do for her. You suck.

Were you there? You have no idea what I've communicated. When your spouse stops bothering you about serious, unresolved marital issues, you're a fool to think they just let it go. I don't bother her about it at all anymore and life with her is much more peaceful for the both of us. I've exhausted myself trying to communicate with someone who refuses to recognize it as a problem.

She doesn’t know you are cheating, so uncommunicated seems like the appropriate description for your solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an adult and do adult things that are outside the view of my children all the time. What do I tell myself? That I'm finally enjoying a sex life I was missing for years with someone else who is in the same situation. I'm not going to divorce over sex although I won't rule it out in the long run. If there was any chance in hell to save this part of my marriage, I wouldn't be having an affair but I have exhausted all avenues. She has made the choice for herself that she is done with sex and it doesn't matter to her how that effects me or our marriage. Since starting the affair, I've lost the deep seated anger and bitterness I've had towards her and I'm much more at peace around her and the family. I'd much prefer having a sex life with her than any AP I could find but it's not to be. We all make hard choices in life. This is not ideal but it works for now.

I wonder what in your brokenness gives you self control with your emotions now that you are literally destroying your wife’s life. Just be a man and ask for an open marriage, stop behaving like a middle schooler. You put so much thought and planning into avoiding the real issues, try putting a little effort into accountability.

+100. Be an adult and tell your wife that you are not happy going without sex and that you want to re-negotiate the sexual aspect of the marriage. How does she see you moving forward? Is there a way to stay together while you sleep with other people? Is she allowed to sleep with other people? What kind of relationships can you each feel comfortable with - one night stands? medium or long term affair partners? people inside or outside your current circle? is there some kind of post-nuptial written agreement that can be negotiated that would give each person the security they need in terms of potential divorce terms?

The problem with the cheaters is that they really don't want to negotiate. They want to dictate terms, and they do so by keeping their behavior secret and doing what they please, hoping that if they can keep their betrayed spouse from knowing, then the betrayed spouse won't ask for their own sexual needs and other needs to be met. It's always amazing to me how cheaters with wives who won't sleep with them think that their wife doesn't like sex any more. No, she doesn't like sex with YOU any more, and part of the reason you cheat is so that you can control her sexuality, and she doesn't sleep with other people.

Nope, I'm not asking permission for an open marriage which she would never agree to. She didn't ask permission to end our sex life. This is what happens when you go that route and don't care. I care much more about our marriage than she does. Other than our sex life, we get along fine and even better now. I don't need permission to be happy. It's only sex and she places no importance on sex so I've removed that burden from her.

You don’t care enough about your marriage to be honest or true to your vows. Honestly, the entitlement and selfishness you communicated in these posts make you sound like a horrible spouse with no understanding of your culpability in the state of your “marriage”. You are fine with the way things are and are too fearful of allowing her to choose this life for herself, because you don’t owe anyone anything.